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Thread: I think my girlfriend is being really abusive and manipulative. Need help

  1. #21
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    This should have been over, years ago. She is abusive and WILL NOT CHANGE! Why do you continue with this?

    This woman would be a horrible mother. You need to get out of this mess, and seek therapy, to understand why you chose this lunatic!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-29-2019 at 09:20 AM.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    Not all people who have abusive parents or a bad childhood end up abusers themselves and that should not be an excuse to abuse people. She has responsibility, accountably and agency in her choices and the way she treats you. This is who she is. In 3 years no matter what you did, it never changed. It probably never will because she doesn't even take responsibility for her wrong doings.

    So you have two choices: you either stay and be her punching bag and live a life of being controlled and miserable, or you leave and aim for healthier and stable relationships in the future, because this ain't it.
    I agree. Her background is not an excuse.

    I suggest you reread the title of your thread.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-29-2019 at 09:20 AM.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OP, your gf isn't the way she is because of her background or her father, she IS her father. Meaning that things will never get better with her.

    She is abusing you, manipulating and gasslighting you to an extreme extent. I think it's concerning that you put up with it as long as you have, but at the same time, it's common. Google codependent and I think you'll see yourself in the description. Always trying to help, fix, smooth over, hanging on to a bad relationship for dear life, trying to keep the peace. Blaming yourself, thinking that you can control what the abuser does or that you are responsible for their outbursts is also common.

    Thing is you are not responsible for her behavior and you can't fix it or control it or change it. Yes, abusers can also be very very good to you. It's why it's called a cycle of abuse, it's why people keep staying for years with abusive partners, and why overall these relationships can be so confusing. It goes like this:

    Abusive outburst ---->apologies and promises to change from abuser. Victim becomes very hopeful that things will be good going forward-----> happy period where abuser is very nice and victim is very happy----->tension building, where the victim is often not even aware that the abuser is getting ready to attack again, the need to abuse is internal within the abuser completely independent of the victim, but the victim gets blamed during the incoming outburst------>abusive attack/outburst---->...... round and round you go

    This cycle doesn't stop until the victim, you OP, finally decide that you've had enough of this and leave the abuser. Also, when you do so, be sure to cut all contact, because abusers will go to great lengths to get their victim back under control. Lies, tears, promises, even some action - whatever will give you hope and make you return back to that cycle of abuse. IT NEVER STOPS UNTIL YOU LEAVE FOR GOOD AND CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH ABUSER.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    OP, your gf isn't the way she is because of her background or her father, she IS her father. Meaning that things will never get better with her.

    She is abusing you, manipulating and gasslighting you to an extreme extent. I think it's concerning that you put up with it as long as you have, but at the same time, it's common. Google codependent and I think you'll see yourself in the description. Always trying to help, fix, smooth over, hanging on to a bad relationship for dear life, trying to keep the peace. Blaming yourself, thinking that you can control what the abuser does or that you are responsible for their outbursts is also common.

    Thing is you are not responsible for her behavior and you can't fix it or control it or change it. Yes, abusers can also be very very good to you. It's why it's called a cycle of abuse, it's why people keep staying for years with abusive partners, and why overall these relationships can be so confusing. It goes like this:

    Abusive outburst ---->apologies and promises to change from abuser. Victim becomes very hopeful that things will be good going forward-----> happy period where abuser is very nice and victim is very happy----->tension building, where the victim is often not even aware that the abuser is getting ready to attack again, the need to abuse is internal within the abuser completely independent of the victim, but the victim gets blamed during the incoming outburst------>abusive attack/outburst---->...... round and round you go

    This cycle doesn't stop until the victim, you OP, finally decide that you've had enough of this and leave the abuser. Also, when you do so, be sure to cut all contact, because abusers will go to great lengths to get their victim back under control. Lies, tears, promises, even some action - whatever will give you hope and make you return back to that cycle of abuse. IT NEVER STOPS UNTIL YOU LEAVE FOR GOOD AND CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH ABUSER.
    Stellar advice!

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    OP, your gf isn't the way she is because of her background or her father, she IS her father. Meaning that things will never get better with her.

    She is abusing you, manipulating and gasslighting you to an extreme extent. I think it's concerning that you put up with it as long as you have, but at the same time, it's common. Google codependent and I think you'll see yourself in the description. Always trying to help, fix, smooth over, hanging on to a bad relationship for dear life, trying to keep the peace. Blaming yourself, thinking that you can control what the abuser does or that you are responsible for their outbursts is also common.

    Thing is you are not responsible for her behavior and you can't fix it or control it or change it. Yes, abusers can also be very very good to you. It's why it's called a cycle of abuse, it's why people keep staying for years with abusive partners, and why overall these relationships can be so confusing. It goes like this:

    Abusive outburst ---->apologies and promises to change from abuser. Victim becomes very hopeful that things will be good going forward-----> happy period where abuser is very nice and victim is very happy----->tension building, where the victim is often not even aware that the abuser is getting ready to attack again, the need to abuse is internal within the abuser completely independent of the victim, but the victim gets blamed during the incoming outburst------>abusive attack/outburst---->...... round and round you go

    This cycle doesn't stop until the victim, you OP, finally decide that you've had enough of this and leave the abuser. Also, when you do so, be sure to cut all contact, because abusers will go to great lengths to get their victim back under control. Lies, tears, promises, even some action - whatever will give you hope and make you return back to that cycle of abuse. IT NEVER STOPS UNTIL YOU LEAVE FOR GOOD AND CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH ABUSER.
    This should be copied and pasted in all threads on ENA about abusive relationships!

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    OP, your gf isn't the way she is because of her background or her father, she IS her father. Meaning that things will never get better with her.

    She is abusing you, manipulating and gasslighting you to an extreme extent. I think it's concerning that you put up with it as long as you have, but at the same time, it's common. Google codependent and I think you'll see yourself in the description. Always trying to help, fix, smooth over, hanging on to a bad relationship for dear life, trying to keep the peace. Blaming yourself, thinking that you can control what the abuser does or that you are responsible for their outbursts is also common.

    Thing is you are not responsible for her behavior and you can't fix it or control it or change it. Yes, abusers can also be very very good to you. It's why it's called a cycle of abuse, it's why people keep staying for years with abusive partners, and why overall these relationships can be so confusing. It goes like this:

    Abusive outburst ---->apologies and promises to change from abuser. Victim becomes very hopeful that things will be good going forward-----> happy period where abuser is very nice and victim is very happy----->tension building, where the victim is often not even aware that the abuser is getting ready to attack again, the need to abuse is internal within the abuser completely independent of the victim, but the victim gets blamed during the incoming outburst------>abusive attack/outburst---->...... round and round you go

    This cycle doesn't stop until the victim, you OP, finally decide that you've had enough of this and leave the abuser. Also, when you do so, be sure to cut all contact, because abusers will go to great lengths to get their victim back under control. Lies, tears, promises, even some action - whatever will give you hope and make you return back to that cycle of abuse. IT NEVER STOPS UNTIL YOU LEAVE FOR GOOD AND CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH ABUSER.
    Wow.. I think it's just the perfect summary of what was going on the whole time. Thanks a lot!

    So, I have really went in touch with her during last few days. She says she is sorry and she didn't want to make me feel bad, and now I start to doubt if it is really respectful of her to have this kind of friends around. But even if it is not right, she shouldn't behave like that with me. Am I having right conclusions here?

    Again, I can't say enough how I am grateful to all of you. Thanks a lot again

  8. #27
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    Haven't went in touch*

    Sorry for the typo

  9. #28
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    All relationships being voluntary, it's up to each of us to recognize mistreatment, and to walk away. If you'd rather lean in and attempt to fix another person, that's not against the law, but it's opting to become part of another's problem instead of establishing reasonable boundaries for yourself and your own life.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by elmariachi93
    Wow.. I think it's just the perfect summary of what was going on the whole time. Thanks a lot!

    So, I have really went in touch with her during last few days. She says she is sorry and she didn't want to make me feel bad, and now I start to doubt if it is really respectful of her to have this kind of friends around. But even if it is not right, she shouldn't behave like that with me. Am I having right conclusions here?

    Again, I can't say enough how I am grateful to all of you. Thanks a lot again
    Yes, so you see where in the cycle you are right now - apologies, tears, promises, saying anything that will make you doubt yourself, feel bad for her, start hoping that maybe she really will be better. BUT remember that it never gets better. You've got to kill that hope and just move on. No, nobody ever has any excuse for acting the way she does. Problem with abusers is that they never get better, they can get worse with time and age however. It's a case of you have to save yourself from their madness.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Yes, so you see where in the cycle you are right now - apologies, tears, promises, saying anything that will make you doubt yourself, feel bad for her, start hoping that maybe she really will be better. BUT remember that it never gets better. You've got to kill that hope and just move on. No, nobody ever has any excuse for acting the way she does. Problem with abusers is that they never get better, they can get worse with time and age however. It's a case of you have to save yourself from their madness.
    It is amazing how you guessed the pattern. It actually copies the pattern I had with my dad. He was an alcoholic when I was a kid, and each time I had to help him out of his binge, he promised he will change and stop drinking. He kinda stopped when I turned 23, and it was solely because he decided it would be better for himself.

    Maybe another conclusion is that a person can rarely change his or her fundamental traits, and the lion's share of these transformations are happening only when this person realises it is for his or her betterment. I feel quite ashamed I'm learning such obvious things only now.

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