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Thread: I think my girlfriend is being really abusive and manipulative. Need help

  1. #11
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    removed ...spoken about and cleared up .........................

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Not all people who have abusive parents or a bad childhood end up abusers themselves and that should not be an excuse to abuse people. She has responsibility, accountably and agency in her choices and the way she treats you. This is who she is. In 3 years no matter what you did, it never changed. It probably never will because she doesn't even take responsibility for her wrong doings.

    So you have two choices: you either stay and be her punching bag and live a life of being controlled and miserable, or you leave and aim for healthier and stable relationships in the future, because this ain't it.

  3. #13
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    One of the things which really struck me about your original post was how much of it was taken up with other people, their behaviours and backgrounds. What you really need to be looking at is your own situation, minus the psychiatric labelling and the amateur versions thereof.

    All you need to know is that your girlfriend is abusive and manipulative, and that while you stay with her, you will be on the receiving end of that. Period. The responsibility for staying with her, and the potential to leave this abusive situation, rest solely with you. She is responsible for her own words and actions - but you are responsible for yours.

    In other words - run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. Whatever you do, don't get involved on any level which will take a load of legal process to undo!

    Good luck!

  4. #14
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    My parents have issues, my dad esp. I didn't turn out emotionally messed up and out of control-her dad being the way he is isn't reason for her to treat you the way she does. You enable her bad behaviour and it must be something in your childhood that makes you stick around and blame yourself. She is unable to have a healthy relationship and you're just destroying yourself and wasting away.

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  6. #15
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    First of all, dear all, thanks a lot for your support and insightful anwers. Things are starting to clear up in my mind.

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Was that guy a medical professional who had examined her in person?

    Beware of "diagnosing " people. That usually ends up being used as a crutch to either stay in a bad relationship or as a way to avoid your own personal responsibility.
    Yes, of course I understand that. I was just so desperate in the middle on the night that found this really unpleasant to even think of.

    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    elmariachi, she is acting like she is your prisoner warden. That's what you're feeling is wrong. She is watching what you do, who you talk to, if she approves of it or not.
    She is controlling what goes on in your life and she has no right to do that.

    If you want to continue this at all, you need to stand your ground and tell her that you are done with being controlled, done with her telling you what to do and she either trusts you or she doesn't and if she doesn't, then it's time to say goodbye...and MEAN IT!!!
    Thank you for this long reply Sherry, but the thing is that she is ususally not like that, and it makes me wonder if I really messed up somewhere. I can easily go to the bar with my buddies or even to a night club or whatever and she doesn't freak out about that at all. So do I because I trust her.

    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking

    Don't fall into that trap ...you will go through your life thinking everyone has a mental illness ....when the reality is they are just asses ...and everytime someone has a temper tantrum you will then be thinking ..ahh its ok they are mentally ill !!!!

    As for the * wonderful * after your comment ....People suffering with mental health for the rest of their lives don't think it's so great either !!!!!
    I appreciate your concern and just want to say that I'm also wary of this kind of people. Maybe they meant good by saying that it is not normal and you should go see a specialist. I actually wrote that *wonderful* remark just to show that as if this situation wasn't bad enough, now there is a slight possibility in might be a mental condition. Again, I'm not trying to label people here, I was just shocked and feeling desperate, that's why I used this kind of language. I can't really imagine how life is with this kind of condition.

    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    Not excusing any of the behaviour, but just checking that your girlfriend has been introduced to this friend and that you sometimes go places together?
    Yes, in fact it is my girlfriend who introduced me to this friend of mine. We went to restaurants and movies a dozen of times together.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry this is happening. It seems you've tried everything to make it work including therapy and dealing with her for 3 years. It's a good choice not to move in or go further. She may be fine "95%" of the time but the rest of the time was, is and will be destructive, painful and heartbreaking.

    Keep in mind part of who she is is not only her horrible and fixed learned upbringing, but whatever genetics come with that (obviously untreated serious mood, personality disorders and probably a host of psychopathology).

    Think long and hard about needing therapy yourself simply to deal with her untreated hostile chaotic abusive personality. You can chose this or you can chose happiness.
    I'm actually considering going to councelling again I went to a psychoanalyst about a month ago and she found out that I value people around me a lot more than myself, we even went through a hypnosis session. She was rather hesitant if I should break up or not though. She just said go with the flow and don't do anything deliberately.

    Originally Posted by Annia
    Not all people who have abusive parents or a bad childhood end up abusers themselves and that should not be an excuse to abuse people. She has responsibility, accountably and agency in her choices and the way she treats you. This is who she is. In 3 years no matter what you did, it never changed. It probably never will because she doesn't even take responsibility for her wrong doings.

    So you have two choices: you either stay and be her punching bag and live a life of being controlled and miserable, or you leave and aim for healthier and stable relationships in the future, because this ain't it.
    Many thanks, Annia! I also went trough pretty bad parenting and now I try my best not to be like the bad side of my parents. She fully understands she hurt me a lot, and she even cried saying sorry about a year ago and promising she will be better. And she made huge progress on that, she really showed how she cares about is all. But last one got me really confused and worried if it is her job or just mine carefully walking on eggshells.

    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    One of the things which really struck me about your original post was how much of it was taken up with other people, their behaviours and backgrounds. What you really need to be looking at is your own situation, minus the psychiatric labelling and the amateur versions thereof.

    All you need to know is that your girlfriend is abusive and manipulative, and that while you stay with her, you will be on the receiving end of that. Period. The responsibility for staying with her, and the potential to leave this abusive situation, rest solely with you. She is responsible for her own words and actions - but you are responsible for yours.

    In other words - run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. Whatever you do, don't get involved on any level which will take a load of legal process to undo!

    Good luck!
    Wow, I never actually noticed that all I wrote about was other people, not me. Thanks for pointing out.

    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    My parents have issues, my dad esp. I didn't turn out emotionally messed up and out of control-her dad being the way he is isn't reason for her to treat you the way she does. You enable her bad behaviour and it must be something in your childhood that makes you stick around and blame yourself. She is unable to have a healthy relationship and you're just destroying yourself and wasting away.
    I think that the biggest thing that stops me from taking a final desicion is how heartful and warm our relations are outside these quarrels. She is very caring and I love her a lot and I'm always aware of job she is doing on herself. But you actually hit a bull's eye since I was brought up in such a way that I blame myself too much, even my psychoanalyst confirmed that. I'm working on it.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    True unless you fix yourself you can't fix anything or anyone. Perhaps it's a translation error but a therapist what promotes inertia and indecision does not sound helpful.

    It's hard to tell if you are keeping her because you feel damaged and sick or keeping her is making you damaged and sick.

    As long as you limp along as a martyr and she beats you up mentally, you'll never know what a good life is.
    Originally Posted by elmariachi93
    I'm actually considering going to councelling again I went to a psychoanalyst about a month ago and she found out that I value people around me a lot more than myself, we even went through a hypnosis session.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It's hard to tell if you are keeping her because you feel damaged and sick or keeping her is making you damaged and sick.
    I would guess it's a bit of both. People tend to get into toxic cycles without even realizing it.

    Beware of staying with the hopes that she will change and then trying to do everything to change her or wait for her to change, when the fact is, this is who she just might be.
    She has the genetic dispositions for it, she grew up with it, it's "normal" to her. I can't see it changing a whole lot no matter how badly you want it to.

    Though you do well on self blame, and that's gotta stop too.
    Last edited by SherrySher; 01-29-2019 at 06:39 AM.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    True unless you fix yourself you can't fix anything or anyone. Perhaps it's a translation error but a therapist what promotes inertia and indecision does not sound helpful.

    It's hard to tell if you are keeping her because you feel damaged and sick or keeping her is making you damaged and sick.

    As long as you limp along as a martyr and she beats you up mentally, you'll never know what a good life is.
    No error, that's actually what she told me. "Don't do anything on purpose, I will work it all through with your subconsciousness when you'll be in hypnosis, and it will sort itself out".
    That's so terrible a realisation to hear all that since I have never spoken to anyone about this except for my therapist.

    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I would guess it's a bit of both. People tend to get into toxic cycles without even realizing it.

    Beware of staying with the hopes that she will change and then trying to do everything to change her or wait for her to change, when the fact is, this is who she just might be.
    She has the genetic depositions for it, she grew up with it, it's "normal" to her. I can't see it changing a whole lot no matter how badly you want it to.

    Though you do well on self blame, and that's gotta stop too.

    She actually did admit that and said sorry like a couple of hours ago. But I don't know... First time she admitted she mistreated me in this way was like a year ago, and the frequency of these outbursts plummeted, but they still happen and in a way thas is clearly uncontrolled by her

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Make sure the therapist is actually helping you improve your life and not a quack selling you mumbo-jumbo. It's fine to relax and do nothing/think nothing in a yoga or meditation class, but if you are facing serious life problems, do nothing/think nothing may not be the best option, since it seems to have you paralyzed and accepting abuse.
    Originally Posted by elmariachi93
    No error, that's actually what she told me. "Don't do anything on purpose, I will work it all through with your subconsciousness when you'll be in hypnosis, and it will sort itself out". That's so terrible a realisation to hear all that since I have never spoken to anyone about this except for my therapist.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yes, but that still doesn't mean she isn't accountable for her behaviors. She is a grown woman, she can choose to control her emotions far better than this. It really does come down to choosing to trust you or not.

    It does sound like she could do with more counselling as well. But part of it is temper tantrums and controlling, neither of which is justifiable or okay.

    You can't keep making excuses for her.

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