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Thread: Should I make a visit to his home, like a "ghostbuster"?

  1. #1
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    Should I make a visit to his home, like a "ghostbuster"?

    In one of my posts, I spoke about being ghosted after about 4 years, and after being told by him he would call me the next day. Well, it's been almost a month and I've never heard from him and it's hard to move on. On some days I find myself in a state of disbelief, thinking he would not do this, maybe he will call, scouring the obits to see if he is actually dead, googling to see if he was in an accident, had a stroke, and on and on until I am physically exhausted, on the verge of tears, not sleeping and trying to figure out how to move on. Other times I think this is his sadistic, manipulation of me, just like he's behaved before after all of our other disagreements when he would not talk to me for days, and he would love it if I just reached out to him as usual, trying to work things out.

    So I really would like to move on; but my question is, since I have tried to call him like the idiot I am, and he did not answer, would it be just terrible if I went to his home just to see that he really is alive, that nothing happened to him and to confirm the fact that he is just too horrible to tell me goodbye? He lives about an hour away and I know this sounds desperate but this is really hard. And yes - I am starting therapy. I just believe I could move on if I could confirm that he is really as bad as his actions indicate. I just feel like something is missing inside and I am stuck.


    All responses are welcome. Help!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't do it. You broke up. Never stalk or trespass. You won't like the results. He could...be with someone or tells you it's over or to get lost or has you arrested or files a restraining order against you. However do drive over to a therapist's office and start unpacking your feelings and getting some support. If he wanted to be with you he would not have ghosted or broken up.
    Originally Posted by Summer065
    would it be just terrible if I went to his home just to see that he really is alive, that nothing happened to him and to confirm the fact that he is just too horrible to tell me goodbye? He lives about an hour away and I know this sounds desperate but this is really hard.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Other times I think this is his sadistic, manipulation of me, just like he's behaved before after all of our other disagreements when he would not talk to me for days, and he would love it if I just reached out to him as usual, trying to work things out.

    ...I mean....don't you think you've wasted enough of your life on this abusive jerk? How many more years do you want to waste? I'm glad you have an appointment with a therapist coming up. I hope you start to explore why you put up with abuse and keep going back for more. Why do you so desperately seek approval from such a low life? Think about it - you want an abusive jerk to suddenly change and behave like a decent, sane, normal human being. If you want that, you need to date a guy who is already all those things. Don't expect a snake to act like a puppy dog.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Though I have never ghosted anyone, I have had ex's show up on my door step months later, distraught and much like you describe.

    I can give you a possible insight to his reaction:
    He will feel unsafe. Your actions will appear a little unhinged and impulsive and he'll lose respect for you.

    Ask yourself what the best outcome you could hope to come out of this move.
    He throws himself in your arms and asks your forgiveness? Seriously, you need to ask yourself if you'd want anything to do with someone if they could turn their back on you so easily, because he's capable of doing it again. Not to mention: his sadistic, manipulation of me,

    I know you are struggling and we've all had these thoughts.
    I am glad you came here to flush them out, but please care enough about yourself to not act on them. Because he apparently does not.

    Hang in there. This will pass.

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  6. #5
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    Please do not go anywhere near his home. From your past history you know he is most likely OK. And if you truly were a couple of course someone who knows both of you would tell you about something tragic like that. Do not justify invading his personal space because you think something tragic happened.

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    Donít do it. You know itís a little cray or you wouldnít have posted (lol!). Trust me when I say that this is one of those things where you will be glad you kept your self-respect in a few months when the pain subsides.

    In terms of whether heís still alive, etc - i assure you he is. Heís fine. If you were dating for 4 years, you have presumably met his friends and family. One of them most certainly would have found a way to track you down if that happened. (And if you didnít know his friends and family after 4 years, thatís a red flag on itís own).

    Unfortunately, you have your answer (in the most cruel way possible, I agree). His silence is your answer. And his methods tell you everything you need to know about his character. Can you imagine being married to or having kids with someone like this?! He gets upset and just takes off without saying a word? This is not someone you should want to try to build a future with.

    I think that one of the hardest parts of some breakups - beyond the obvious loss - is that sometimes you learn things about your (ex) partner that you didnít realize before and you question who that person even was. This guy was not the awesome guy you thought he was. If he couldnít talk to you about this, there was probably a whole host of things he was hiding - and his solution is to run away. You canít build a relationship with that. You just canít.

  8. #7
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for your pain, but rather than go one step forward, and two back, I'd opt for taking the high road and aim for living a good life.

    Keep in mind that silence speaks volumes. You can do this...

  9. #8
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    It's over, you do not need to check to see if he is alive. Do not call, don't consider his weasel words to "call you the next day" as some kind of contract. It was merely an awkward way to end the conversation.

    Again, you do not want to embarrass yourself by contacting him. Move on.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Like the old days when the guy said he was going out to get cigarettes and never came back.

    Just grasp the reality it's over and move on.

  11. #10
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    I feel your pain. I think itís best to bring the attention back to YOU. No more wasting time on him.

    He acted in a way that wasnít deserving of your love and attention, and I hope you can see that. Even if he showed up at this moment and profusely apologized, youíve got to think: Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has a pattern of doing this to you? Itís time to cut your losses. Iím glad you are starting therapyó this is the kind of care you deserve to give yourself.

    Sending you thoughts of healing. Itís very difficult now but you will get through this!!!

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