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Thread: Friends have dropped off after I walked away from a not-so-nice "friend"

  1. #11
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    Why don't you reach out to make certain she is okay?

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    deleted. . . . .

  3. #13
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    You said "friends.' How many friends have disappeared?

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Why don't you reach out to make certain she is okay?
    Because I just saw that she RSVP'd with an enthusiastic response to a Super Bowl evite. So I know she's alive, at least. And I did call her last, and left her a nice message. It's not like her to simply not return the call. I do know her to not return a call of someone with whom she is no longer interested in being friends with, so that's my feeling right now.

    But you are right, maybe she's busy with other stuff. So taking your advice, I just contacted her. I texted, just "Hi, thinking of you". I'll let you know if she responds.

    When I say "friends", it's really more of a group, some of whom I'm closer with than the others. But they always see me as part of the one friend and I, as we "came into" this group together.

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  6. #15
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    I often wondered how it went on NYE ...all you can do is sit on this one and see what happens next ...really hoping you have not been made to be the baddy in all this LH .

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    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    I often wondered how it went on NYE ...all you can do is sit on this one and see what happens next ...really hoping you have not been made to be the baddy in all this LH .
    Thanks pippy. NYE was actually one of the funnest times I've had, as I met some new people and just had a great time. I was cordial to S., but I pre-emptively started talking about subjects that she knew nothing about (purposely) to circumvent any possible ways of her bringing up my past. She always does this with people who are new to us, so I got into discussions first, and about subjects where she wasn't able to contribute (i.e. podcasts, which I know she doesn't listen to).

    I did talk to S.'s new boyfriend for quite a bit and found him to be very nice. When S. and I were in the same area, it was "aren't these appetizers great".

    So I found it interesting that she told our other friend that she thought I was mad at her, when in fact I had been very cordial to her. What happened was, it unnerved her that she couldn't put me down, because I never gave her an opening (insert evil grin )

    So we shall see.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Been wondering about how all this went down, LH. Sounds like you were, no surprise, a superstar.

    Probably S. did some back channel research (“Is she upset?”) because on sone level that’s been the dynamic of your “friendship.” That charge, that tension—that’s kind of what made it a “thing.” Without the charge, what’s there? Not much.

    In other words, by simply being cool—by not indulging in the toxic charge—you deprived her of the juice. She’s “mad,” in short, that you no longer seem mad at her. But, being a “friend,” she expresses that by asking if you’re mad.

    Gotta love how how high school follows us forever, huh?

    As for the rest of the group? Deep breaths. Glad you sent the text. See whomever at the Super Bowl. Take a second the acknowledge that you might be reading a bit too much into things, and take another to remind yourself that, even if there’s something to these concerns, they’re something you’ve got all the capacity to smooth over with these good people.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    We are women in our 50's and 60's. Ridiculous.
    That is ridiculous! Stuff like this happens in your teens and twenties.

    However, I do remember something similar happening in my mom's friend-group, which she's had since she was in high school. There were five or six of them and they'd all get together every couple of months and go on a trip. Then one day two of them had a stupid argument and there was a rift. My mom managed to stay out of it, but since then the whole group has never gotten together. Just two or three would get together here and there.

    This happened about 10 or 15 years ago. My mom is in her 70s now, so that would make her around 58 - 63ish at the time of the argument. Which is close to the age group you're dealing with.

    I wonder... are any of these ladies recent empty-nesters or retirees with a lot of time on their hands? That would give them excess time for useless drama just like a bunch of kids.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Been wondering about how all this went down, LH. Sounds like you were, no surprise, a superstar.

    Probably S. did some back channel research (“Is she upset?”) because on sone level that’s been the dynamic of your “friendship.” That charge, that tension—that’s kind of what made it a “thing.” Without the charge, what’s there? Not much.

    In other words, by simply being cool—by not indulging in the toxic charge—you deprived her of the juice. She’s “mad,” in short, that you no longer seem mad at her. But, being a “friend,” she expresses that by asking if you’re mad.

    Gotta love how how high school follows us forever, huh?

    As for the rest of the group? Deep breaths. Glad you sent the text. See whomever at the Super Bowl. Take a second the acknowledge that you might be reading a bit too much into things, and take another to remind yourself that, even if there’s something to these concerns, they’re something you’ve got all the capacity to smooth over with these good people.
    Thank you bluecastle. This is so unbelievably insightful! That our friendship has existed on this level for so long because she feeds off the juice of her put-downs towards me, and when I circumvented her enough times so as to only allow polite, pleasantries, it sapped her of the energy she needs to maintain her "friendship" with me. So, it's not that I was mad at her, but that she was mad that I removed the energy source. So helpful!

    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    That is ridiculous! Stuff like this happens in your teens and twenties.

    However, I do remember something similar happening in my mom's friend-group, which she's had since she was in high school. There were five or six of them and they'd all get together every couple of months and go on a trip. Then one day two of them had a stupid argument and there was a rift. My mom managed to stay out of it, but since then the whole group has never gotten together. Just two or three would get together here and there.

    This happened about 10 or 15 years ago. My mom is in her 70s now, so that would make her around 58 - 63ish at the time of the argument. Which is close to the age group you're dealing with.

    I wonder... are any of these ladies recent empty-nesters or retirees with a lot of time on their hands? That would give them excess time for useless drama just like a bunch of kids.
    So crazy about your mom's friend group. In my case, these are all (mostly) ambitious, working women. In fact, the only ones who steer clear of any drama are the ones who haven't worked in years, due to child-raising, etc.

    S. has done this to many people, and she's disrupted other friendship groups, similar to your mom's group. There are several people who have moved away from her in the past few years, as she seems to like to take one person from each group and do her picking-on thing.

    I did receive a text back from my friend, saying that she's been meaning to call me. So I'm taking that at face value, and I'm cool with that. So thanks....Hollyj, for making the suggestion that I reach out to her to see if she's ok. Sometimes I can dig my heels in a bit, like wait....she should reach out to me, wah wah wah. I'm glad I read your post, as I felt your virtual hand on my phone, texting her, lol.

    I don't want there to be any awkwardness. I so enjoy these other women. I'm going to just lay low for a bit and maybe extend some invitations or phone calls in a few weeks to the others.

    And yes, I'm going to the Super Bowl party. The person having that party hasn't been friends with S. for years, as S. did the same thing to her. I just checked the Evite, and it's over 40 people, so should be a good time!

  11. #20
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    So I’m sorry about this hurtful nonsense. And I take it you will see one of your friends at the super bowl party? That’s good. Deep breaths and try as best you can to tune out the negative what if scenarios. Look this woman obviously has charisma and draws people in despite being a jerk. It’s unfair.
    I was at a kids bday party Saturday. There were two women whose kids went to the same preschool my son had gone to. They were cold and unfriendly to me even though I said hello nicely. And stood right near them. They were in a cliquey huddle with their ironed hair and Kate spade bag on one. And here’s the irony. I’d never met them. Their kids were much younger than mine. But I might as well have because they were exactly the same in looks and attitude as the moms I met 6 years ago at that same fancy preschool he attended for one year. It was really something - and it sounds like your situation is rinse repeat too - she continues to charm the same types of people with the same strategy and “bling” and in a way it makes me wonder about their values in sticking around knowing what they know. Is she that “cool?” Just annoying and frustrating - I hope you get answers soon.

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