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Thread: Am I right to discourage my husbands participation?

  1. #81
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I gave my personal opinion and found your reaction defensive as if I'd stated that you should do things my way.
    Then you read into it wrong. I'm not nor was I defensive in the least, just responding that we do things differently and therefore giving the Op differing views on the same topic as her dilemma.

    I didn't and didn't intend to which is why I emphasized that it was my personal opinion only - thanks for sharing that you are close with your brother, father and enjoy group activities with male friends as in that is what works for you.
    NP

    I don't go on dates with other men, period, and my husband would never go on a date with another woman or play with fire -neither would I
    No, but you do go on date-like activities with men other than your husband. No judging, that is yours to do.

    -you and I just have different definitions of what that means.
    You apparently define it as intent, whereas I define it as the action.

    Some men won't be in an elevator alone with a woman because of what that could lead to
    What? O.O

    - what is date like or inappropriate to one person is fine to another. And those differences make the world go round!
    Getting in an elevator with a stranger is not a date like action. It may be inappropriate to a certain religious or cultural group but that still doesn't make it date like. Can you imagine that as a POF first date meet up... going up and down in an elevator for an hour or two. ;)

    I'm glad your rules and boundaries work for you -always good to see healthy relationships! For me it would be very unhealthy if I had to see my male friends only in groups and couldn't share a meal with a male friend just because he is a man.
    Like I said, to each their own.

  2. #82
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    I go on date like activities with everyone then lol including my gay women friends. It is your opinion not a fact as you put it. I don't agree that sharing meals one on one at a restaurant is a date like activity - I do agree if it's a romantic dinner at night at a romantic restaurant on a weekend night it can be inappropriate or playing with fire.

    If sharing one on one meals is a date like activity I surely hope you and your husband check if your friends are closeted gays or potentially becoming or believing they are the other gender - because by your definition if one of the two people has the potential to be sexually attracted to the other then one on one meals is a no no. Not judging (joke).

    So you are choosing what date like activity means as well by intention - because you wouldn't intend to be with someone who potentially could be sexually attracted to you -a lesbian or a woman friend exploring being a man and attracted to women, or bisexual - if you're going to have that broad definition then why in the world would it be limited to just someone who presents as a man? And what about gay men -no one on one meals with them either because it's a man? Just showing you where your definition can go if one on one meals is a date like activity.

    My issue with your approach for me (meaning to each her own I know it works for you!) is it requires me to assume that if I have a one on one meal with a platonic male friend I have to assume that even though we are platonic and we both know that and there is no attraction or even if there were a chance of it we would not act on it - that soemhow being alone in a public place is a ďdate ď because itís a restaurant and therefore we canít be trusted to behave loyally and appropriately with respect to one of us being married or both.

    I simply canít live with that presumption of distrust - of myself or the other person - that somehow Iíd make a bad choice because were sharing a meal and having a conversation. My trust boundaries are far different because I prioritize the importance of connection and friendship over the level of distrust and control that it would feel like were someone to say ďif you want to be with me you have to stop having one on one time with any person who is male.

    Some people -yes - yes if he is attracted to me or not supportive of my marriage - but then I wouldnít see the person alone- my husband wouldnít have to tell me that. Same in reverse. When we were first back together a male friend who id never dated asked to meet for a drink alone one hour before meeting me and my husband for dinner to have a personal conversation. Platonic. My husband who was my boyfriend then wasnít comfortable with that. Heíd never met him and it was a Friday night and he simply didnít like the sound of it. I was surprised but told my friend no. The result was my friend met my husband and went overboard trying to make him comfortable and being friendly to him. Which my husband responded to positively. We hung out a couple more times before we relocated.

    So yes of course couples have to talk this stuff out - case by case - yes we always check in with each other about plans whether opposite or same sex - not because of distrust or control but because we like to tell each other whatís going on in our lives. No I donít love when he has lunch with a particular female colleague- business lunch - I just donít get a great sense about her values - but I stay quiet because thatís my issue and I need to let him be.

    Yes Iím ok with blanket statements like ďwe donít date other people ď and yes I find your definition of date and date like activity too broad and potentially destroying or hurting the friendships and connections Iíve built over the years and intend to keep making and building. Again just me - and this goes back to the OP and her boundaries and her husbandís - which apparently are very different. And thatís the real issue in my opinion. Hopefully you and I can talk more over a date like activity some day lol.

    And yes I have had a number of one on one meals with gay women, some are married/committed/some are not. And my husband has had one on one meals with gay men.
    Last edited by Batya33; 02-09-2019 at 08:12 AM.

  3. #83
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Wow... lol

    So be it, Batya. I don't have the care to reply to all of that.

    We clearly have two different ideas of what is and what isn't appropriate so lets just get on with the next thread. In the scheme of things it really doesn't matter to yours or my relationship what the two of us find okay or not. ;)

  4. #84
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Wow... lol

    So be it, Batya. I don't have the care to reply to all of that.

    We clearly have two different ideas of what is and what isn't appropriate so lets just get on with the next thread. In the scheme of things it really doesn't matter to yours or my relationship what the two of us find okay or not. ;)
    No worries - I agree with what you wrote and always did - just took issue with you stating as a fact that one on one meals are always "date-like activities". It's an opinion and you are entitled to your opinion!

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  6. #85
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Why not just go with him, even one time? You might enjoy yourself and find out you've been worrying for nothing.
    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    Why not just say youíve thought about it and you realized you had nothing to be worried about? That would probably make him happy.
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    btw, if you are uncomfortable being with people you do not know, has this limited your husband's ability to make friends? He feels obligated to accommodate that?
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    OK start there. Invite his friend and wife for dinner/drinks/brunch whatever. It be breaks the ice and you can befriend his friend and his wife. It's a step in the right direction indicating understanding and being sociable rather than leading with paranoia and jealousy and policing.
    Originally Posted by Jennifer2018
    why cant he go?
    Are they in a public place? is brunch code for orgy?

    As long as he wanted to go, and want coming home with lipstick stains, I think you need to ease up on this. Has he come back from one saying that someone made an inappropriate advance? Thats your only justification.
    You mentioned in another post that you expected women to support this decision. If you had no cause, I wouldnt support taking something away from your husband that is innocent.
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    With that logic only men should work with men and women work with women. You make it sound like the man is without personal boundaries, good sense, love for his wife, trust in his own ability to stay faithful. Are you talking about your own short falls, verona and projecting them in this thread?
    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    You essentially called him a cheater, and isolating him from hanging out with friend. You also insulted all the women thinking they were just predators. I would apologize. Don't try to justify why you did what you did...you took the air out of the whole get-together. Just apologize with that you may have just been feeling insecure.
    I think you ought to re-open the book on this and go with him from time to time. To put it bluntly, make it a "marking your territory" exercise. Or, even to find friendships yourself.

    Make friends with these women of his past.

    I doubt they are any more predatory than you would be if you lost your husband.

    Put yourself in their shoes. If you were widowed, God forbid, and at such a gathering, would you be a mate poacher? would you be offended to find out one of your friend's wife thought this of you?

  7. #86
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    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    I think you ought to re-open the book on this and go with him from time to time. To put it bluntly, make it a "marking your territory" exercise. Or, even to find friendships yourself.

    Make friends with these women of his past.

    I doubt they are any more predatory than you would be if you lost your husband.

    Put yourself in their shoes. If you were widowed, God forbid, and at such a gathering, would you be a mate poacher? would you be offended to find out one of your friend's wife thought this of you?
    Good points, although I know "me" a lot better than I know any of them. :-)

    Quite frankly, even though I should have handled it better, I don't want to reopen it. We talked about it so much, and it incited so much tension, that I dread resurrecting it. Things are going very well now and I'd hate to regenerate the problem. It feels like it's over, and I think it'll have to stay that way.

  8. #87
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jude23
    Good points, although I know "me" a lot better than I know any of them. :-)

    Quite frankly, even though I should have handled it better, I don't want to reopen it. We talked about it so much, and it incited so much tension, that I dread resurrecting it. Things are going very well now and I'd hate to regenerate the problem. It feels like it's over, and I think it'll have to stay that way.
    Well, of course you don't want to reopen it. You did get Your way after all!

  9. #88
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    Originally Posted by Jude23
    Good points, although I know "me" a lot better than I know any of them. :-)

    Quite frankly, even though I should have handled it better, I don't want to reopen it. We talked about it so much, and it incited so much tension, that I dread resurrecting it. Things are going very well now and I'd hate to regenerate the problem. It feels like it's over, and I think it'll have to stay that way.
    So, the next time that there are potentially women anywhere in the vicinity of your husband, what are you going to do?

    Will you trust HIM more than you don't trust other women?

  10. #89
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    It may be over for you, but no guarantees that he doesnít resent you.

  11. #90

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    You have a normal and valid interest in some of the details of the brunch.

    It doesn't sound like you really mistrust dear H in a serious way. Certainly not worth flogging yourself.

    Are there women at the brunch that may be looking to have a dalliance? More than likely. But that's really not unexpected.

    If H is a "good catch" physically and financially, he's getting hit on every now and then, it's not a big thing.

    All in all, unless you think it's worth bringing the whole thing up again, do so. If not, and things are good, let it go.

    Only you know what may be best.

    If he wants to go again, go with him every now and then. You won't be an odd person out. Your married to him for goodness sake.
    That makes "them" all odd persons out, as far as you and hubby are concerned.

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