Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 10 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 99

Thread: Am I right to discourage my husbands participation?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,128
    Why not just go with him, even one time? You might enjoy yourself and find out you've been worrying for nothing.

  2. #22
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Posts
    20
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Why not just go with him, even one time? You might enjoy yourself and find out you've been worrying for nothing.
    Perhaps I should have. But now I feel like it's too late for that. The lunches became such a contentious issue that the last time we discussed it he said there's no way he would go again. Partly because he knew it bothered me, and partly (maybe mostly) because it was more trouble than it was worth.

    I'd have been more likely to go to one if my husband had asked me first. It was only after I told him that he should have invited me that he said I was welcome to come. He said he hadn't asked because he thought I would decline, because I'm uncomfortable around strangers and I wouldn't know anyone there -- and they would all know each other, making me the lone outsider. He's probably right that I wouldn't have gone but I'd have liked to be asked.

    I'm hesitant to bring it up after he was so emphatic about never going again. The hubbub has died down and we're getting along fine. I don't want to disrupt that.

  3. #23
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Posts
    20
    I have to admit that I'm surprised by the responses I've gotten. I had felt like I was justified in my attitude and expected affirmation from most of the people who answered, especially all the women.

    That's clearly not the case. I have felt some guilt and I'd been hoping for confirmation, which would have alleviated it. Instead almost everyone thinks I was wrong. It makes me feel worse.

    But as I said in the last post, I don't think I can change it now. My husband was adamant about not ever going again. I'm all but certain that if I brought it up again and told him to go, he'd say no way. He wouldn't believe that I'd be fine with it, and quite honestly even if I thought it okay intellectually, in my gut it would still bother me.

    I guess I'll have to live with some guilt.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,128
    For me personally, I would want to do what I could to make a situation acceptable and happy for my husband if it was making him happy.

    Would I be jealous or worried? Not after 30 some years of marriage. Besides the fact that I think all of us do worry about our partner losing interest or having feelings for someone else.
    But unfortunately, that's what goes along with relationships. You have to trust blindly and hope that your partner won't do that to you.

    Would we, or do we worry? Sure, but you can't control someone either or at least, you shouldn't.

    You really do have to have complete faith and trust in your husband.

    If it had been me, I think I would have asked to go with my husband and tried to get to know these people and become apart of another part of his life.
    It would have been interesting and somewhat nice to somehow become apart of his school days.
    I think you focused too much on having hurt feelings over him not asking but just the same, it was a minor oversight that could have easily been overcome.
    You two could have shared this together and you could have listened in on their stories and found out more about your husband and his life.

    I guess it's just how you look at it.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,089
    Gender
    Female
    my sister's graduating class was pretty equal male/female. My class and my one brother's were very skewed - one class was maybe 3 to 5 male to female ratio. In his class, the women stuck around in the area after graduation were always the ones organizing things.

    Instead of forbidding him, i would have been encouraging and would have said "that's great. 2 is a great start -- are there any other guys still in the area?" and encourage him to reach out instead of cutting him off from friendships to include more guys that might like to join up

  7. #26
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    3,803
    Why not just say you’ve thought about it and you realized you had nothing to be worried about? That would probably make him happy.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,089
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    For me personally, I would want to do what I could to make a situation acceptable and happy for my husband if it was making him happy.

    Would I be jealous or worried? Not after 30 some years of marriage. Besides the fact that I think all of us do worry about our partner losing interest or having feelings for someone else.
    But unfortunately, that's what goes along with relationships. You have to trust blindly and hope that your partner won't do that to you.

    Would we, or do we worry? Sure, but you can't control someone either or at least, you shouldn't.

    You really do have to have complete faith and trust in your husband.

    If it had been me, I think I would have asked to go with my husband and tried to get to know these people and become apart of another part of his life.
    It would have been interesting and somewhat nice to somehow become apart of his school days.
    I think you focused too much on having hurt feelings over him not asking but just the same, it was a minor oversight that could have easily been overcome.
    You two could have shared this together and you could have listened in on their stories and found out more about your husband and his life.

    I guess it's just how you look at it.
    I would have suggested an event with spouses instead of crashing the classmate only thing, but good suggestion. or better yet, she can occupy her time with going out with her own friends.
    I do think he is now "the guy with the controlling wife" if he no longer goes.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,089
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Jude23

    I'd have been more likely to go to one if my husband had asked me first. It was only after I told him that he should have invited me that he said I was welcome to come. He said he hadn't asked because he thought I would decline, because I'm uncomfortable around strangers and I wouldn't know anyone there -- and they would all know each other, making me the lone outsider.
    Then you are making a fuss over nothing, Its like me being upset that my guy doesn't ask me to go for 4 wheeling trips that are in the middle of nowhere with no cell towers. We did once consider the idea that i could stay at the cabin and do nature photographs -- but ultimately it would not be fair for me to be stuck there by myself - feeling obligated to cook for everyone for something to do and not having contact with the outside world until they returned after dark. I am definitely into nature hikes, etc, but i would have been alone for two days pretty much. Only get upset someone doesn't invite you if its your favorite thing in the world and they know it

  10. #29
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,089
    Gender
    Female
    btw, if you are uncomfortable being with people you do not know, has this limited your husband's ability to make friends? He feels obligated to accommodate that?

  11. #30

    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    Posts
    1
    Jude23, I am a >30 yr faithful married man. You are totally correct and reasonable with your concerns. Your husband is swimming in treacherous waters! It is one of those hard things in life, because at face value it seems quite innocent. But what if your husband attended this meeting regularly for a year. There is something very familiar regarding old classmates that implies a long term connection, even if there wasn't at the time. The fact that your husband has had a 30 yr faithful marriage could only make him more desirable to one of those lecherous women. She is sitting at home alone, shopping and facing the world alone every day while you two have something she strongly desires. Your husband is also correct. I don't blame him for wanting to attend the lunches. Sounds like innocent fun. Now what if he attends these meetings for 9 months, and you two end up going through a bad patch in your marriage. He confides in one of these gals... The only thing you have in your favor is that at this age a man is not really looking for a woman of the same age and would definitely prefer someone younger. My wife is not the jealous type whatsoever, but she should not be happy at all about these meeting going on indefinitely.

Page 3 of 10 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •