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Am I right to discourage my husbands participation?


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We've been married 30 years, both retired. We get along fine, occasional argument but nothing serious, no sign of infidelity on either part ever.

 

A few months ago my husband ran into an old high school friend (hadn't seen in years) and they met for breakfast. I was happy for him to reconnect.

 

His friend learned that a group of their high school classmates meet for brunch every other month. His friend suggested they go to the next one, and my husband agreed (told me about it in advance).

 

It seems the group began meeting several years ago as a few women. Recently, as people retired, the number of women increased and a couple men sometimes came. At the brunch my husband went to there were about 15 women, he estimated, while he and his friend were the only men.

 

I'm not happy about my husband participating with so many women and so few men. Some of those women are likely single or divorced and looking for a man. My husband is a nice guy and a “good catch”. He's naive about predatory women – he wouldn't know if one was pursuing him unless she was blatant. Even then he's too polite to rebuff firmly, and anything less might seem like encouragement.

 

After hearing the situation, I asked my husband not to go anymore. He said it's only brunch and he'd never get involved with another woman, but who knows what might happen. Interaction that starts out innocent could escalate to trouble. He said he never had a relationship with any of the women except for being classmates. That being the case I can't see why he'd want to spend any time with them now.

 

I could go with him, but I don't know any of them and would feel out of place. Plus it would only prove that no one went after him while I was there. I certainly don't want to go every time.

 

My husband thinks I'm being paranoid. He claims it's all very innocent, but I'm uncomfortable with it. He agreed to my request not to go but I could tell he was annoyed. And he doesn't know what to say to his friend, who wants to keep going (and whose wife seems okay with it). I didn't insist that he not go, but he realizes I'd be upset if he did.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm being reasonable, but just to be fair I'm posting this to ask for feedback. I am right to ask him not to attend?

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I could go with him, but I don't know any of them and would feel out of place.
Then I don't think you are being fair.

 

If he said you couldn't go, well then yes, you would have a point. If you don't want to go when you can, then you are being rather controlling in not wanting him to go without you.

 

You blame his "naivety" on not wanting him to go when in fact you don't trust him or you are feeling insecure in wanting to have a life outside of the one he has with you.

 

I would suspect that if the meet ups are not to his liking then he certainly is grown up enough to ask to meet just with his male friend for coffee. If they are to his liking then get yourself dressed and go with him if you are that uncomfortable with him going without you.

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Fifteen women and two men?

I would be relieved if you asked me not to go.

 

I think he may be too.

 

He says he wants to go mainly to hang out with his male friend. My husband doesn't have many friends and he seems to really like this guy. They used to be friends in high school but lost touch and just reconnected a few months ago.

 

It's fine with me if he wants to spend time with his friend, but they should do it on their own rather than with a bunch of women.

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Don't tell him what he can and can't do. He'll get sick of the gossip and all that soon enough. If you make it a no-no based on your jealousy and interpretation of 'predatory women' it not only sounds ridiculous but he may stand his ground for the pure principle of it.

 

He resisted somewhat but didn't stand his ground. He agreed not to go since he realized how much it bothered me.

 

I don't want to be unreasonable, which is why I posted here for other opinions, but it would unsettle me a lot if he kept going.

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Then I don't think you are being fair.

 

If he said you couldn't go, well then yes, you would have a point. If you don't want to go when you can, then you are being rather controlling in not wanting him to go without you.

 

You blame his "naivety" on not wanting him to go when in fact you don't trust him or you are feeling insecure in wanting to have a life outside of the one he has with you.

 

I would suspect that if the meet ups are not to his liking then he certainly is grown up enough to ask to meet just with his male friend for coffee. If they are to his liking then get yourself dressed and go with him if you are that uncomfortable with him going without you.

 

Do you really think I'm being controlling and insecure? I don't want to be like that. It doesn't feel that way to me -- I just feel like I'm protecting our marriage.

 

If I tell him to go, I think it will trouble me quite a bit and I may resent him for it. It just seems a lot safer for him not to go.

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If he is true to you nothing any woman does will matter. So does it mean you don’t trust him?

 

It's not him I don't trust; as far as I know he's never been unfaithful. It's the women I suspect. I'm sure some of them are single or divorced, and I've known women our age who seem desperate for a man. I'm not sure they would be deterred by his married status. And his naivety and kindness might be interpreted as encouragement. And who knows -- he might be tempted, anyone might be in certain circumstances.

 

I guess I do have a jealous streak, but it seems justified with all those women involved. No one can say for sure what may happen, so why tempt fate?

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Do you really think I'm being controlling and insecure? I don't want to be like that. It doesn't feel that way to me -- I just feel like I'm protecting our marriage.

 

If I tell him to go, I think it will trouble me quite a bit and I may resent him for it. It just seems a lot safer for him not to go.

Yes I really think you are being insecure and controlling. I would think that you had reason to feeling that way if he didn't want you going with him but that's not the case, you are welcome to go but you instead of doing that, you just want to curtail your husband's social time without you.

 

Either go with him and let him (re)make a friend or at least come up with a compromise that your husband won't feel like you're controlling him. As for resenting him if he goes. How do you think he feels now that you've cowtowed him into not going?

 

Get yourself ready to go with him and don't be such a restricting partner. I am usually the first to say when situations can lead someone down a slippery slope to unintended infidelity but this is not one of them. If its that scary to you that your husband go to these coffee meets then I wonder what he has done (or you yourself have done) in the past to make you have such a fear. This is not a one-on-one date like activity with an opposite sex friend, luv.

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If you don’t want him to go, you don’t trust him. It’s that simple.

 

In the past I haven't felt like I didn't trust him, but maybe I am mistrustful now. But I don't understand why he'd even want to be around a group of women he wasn't ever friends with, and doesn't have anything in common with except that they went to high school.

 

BTW, I forgot to mention that one of the women sent him a Christmas card. That strikes me as her showing interest in him.

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As for resenting him if he goes. How do you think he feels now that you've cowtowed him into not going?

 

That's a good point and it does worry me some. I don't know what's worse -- that he goes and I resent him, or that he doesn't go and he resents me. I'm unhappy with both alternatives.

 

I don't know what to do.

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Can you suggest a get together with his friend, his wife and you and your husband. It may show that you at least somewhat understand his need for friends.

 

I could do that. And I do understand his need for friends. He used to have some good friends but they moved out of the area, quite far away.

 

I don't think meeting his friend and wife would solve the lunch issue though. From what I know his friend is a very nice person. I have no qualms about him, except that he's responsible for getting my husband into the lunch situation. But he wasn't trying to cause any problem so I don't blame him for that. Well, maybe a little, but I'm sure he means well.

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Why not just go with him, even one time? You might enjoy yourself and find out you've been worrying for nothing.

 

Perhaps I should have. But now I feel like it's too late for that. The lunches became such a contentious issue that the last time we discussed it he said there's no way he would go again. Partly because he knew it bothered me, and partly (maybe mostly) because it was more trouble than it was worth.

 

I'd have been more likely to go to one if my husband had asked me first. It was only after I told him that he should have invited me that he said I was welcome to come. He said he hadn't asked because he thought I would decline, because I'm uncomfortable around strangers and I wouldn't know anyone there -- and they would all know each other, making me the lone outsider. He's probably right that I wouldn't have gone but I'd have liked to be asked.

 

I'm hesitant to bring it up after he was so emphatic about never going again. The hubbub has died down and we're getting along fine. I don't want to disrupt that.

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I have to admit that I'm surprised by the responses I've gotten. I had felt like I was justified in my attitude and expected affirmation from most of the people who answered, especially all the women.

 

That's clearly not the case. I have felt some guilt and I'd been hoping for confirmation, which would have alleviated it. Instead almost everyone thinks I was wrong. It makes me feel worse.

 

But as I said in the last post, I don't think I can change it now. My husband was adamant about not ever going again. I'm all but certain that if I brought it up again and told him to go, he'd say no way. He wouldn't believe that I'd be fine with it, and quite honestly even if I thought it okay intellectually, in my gut it would still bother me.

 

I guess I'll have to live with some guilt.

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For me personally, I would want to do what I could to make a situation acceptable and happy for my husband if it was making him happy.

 

Would I be jealous or worried? Not after 30 some years of marriage. Besides the fact that I think all of us do worry about our partner losing interest or having feelings for someone else.

But unfortunately, that's what goes along with relationships. You have to trust blindly and hope that your partner won't do that to you.

 

Would we, or do we worry? Sure, but you can't control someone either or at least, you shouldn't.

 

You really do have to have complete faith and trust in your husband.

 

If it had been me, I think I would have asked to go with my husband and tried to get to know these people and become apart of another part of his life.

It would have been interesting and somewhat nice to somehow become apart of his school days.

I think you focused too much on having hurt feelings over him not asking but just the same, it was a minor oversight that could have easily been overcome.

You two could have shared this together and you could have listened in on their stories and found out more about your husband and his life.

 

I guess it's just how you look at it.

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my sister's graduating class was pretty equal male/female. My class and my one brother's were very skewed - one class was maybe 3 to 5 male to female ratio. In his class, the women stuck around in the area after graduation were always the ones organizing things.

 

Instead of forbidding him, i would have been encouraging and would have said "that's great. 2 is a great start -- are there any other guys still in the area?" and encourage him to reach out instead of cutting him off from friendships to include more guys that might like to join up

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