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Thread: Am I right to discourage my husbands participation?

  1. #91
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    It may be over for you, but no guarantees that he doesn’t resent you.
    Agree. And its not just about the brunch. Its part of a longer pattern --- if you "don't like strangers" and he can't socialize because of you. (you may tell him to "go ahead, go out with your friends but he clearly cares for you and there are situations where a spouse would go or its very normal for people to go out as couples with others-- to establish friendships "as couples" with an old classmate of his and his/her spouse, etc. When my cousins and i get together - our spouses are included unless they are working. And also i sense that you make him feel bad that you only want to socialize with him).

    you can let resentment build up or you can tell him "sorry, i realized that i am wrong." Its going to be hard for him to go now because he is going to think its a trap -- that you are testing him.

  2. #92
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    Originally Posted by Jude23
    None of the women tried to lure him away as far as I know. But that doesn't mean they won't in the future. The more he goes, the more likely it would be.
    I get what you are trying to say here, but thats like saying...

    "I don't want my 16yr old daughter to drive, because even though she hasn't had an accident now, that doesn't mean she wont have one in the future. The more she drives, the more likely it would be"

    All of life is about risk and danger, including relationships.

    Would you make your daughter walk everywhere because you let your fear of them getting into an accident control their decisions or choices?
    This is the same with your husband. Dont let your fear that he may cheat or be lured away control his life, choices, and decisions.

  3. #93
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    Originally Posted by Jgregoire108
    [/I]"

    All of life is about risk and danger, including relationships.
    Yes. You say there's never been any infidelity, you've been married a number of years, why are you so worried? Why are you so insecure?

    BTW, I am married and send Christmas cards to my male friends. It means NOTHING romantic. I would be questioning my husband's trust in me if he thought I was having an affair with every friend I sent a Christmas card to.

    OP, you are really going to make your husband resent you. You are acting extremely unreasonable. You are acting controlling. You are acting insecure and manipulative. He's catching up with old friends. Friends that were presumably a part of his life before he met you. He's been faithful to you, so why are you trying to limit what friendships he has? He's allowed to care about other people, and yes even other women. You could go with him if you want. If you are unwilling and already judging these people or writing them off, I really have to wonder if you have some issues with being close to people. Do you have many close friends or is your husband your whole world? Even in the BEST of marriages, you need friends and platonic relationships outside the marriage. No one person can be everything to you. And no one person SHOULD be, it is not in any way healthy.

    My ex-husband behaved as though I should have no friends. I grew to resent him for it. After we divorced, I was so much happier when I realized I could have friends. My current husband is mature and secure enough in our love to know I would never cheat on him. And my life is fuller and I am happier because I have friendships that make my life more complete.

    I think you need to take a minute and really think about why this is upsetting you so much. What are you really afraid of? IMVHO, I get the sense that what you are really afraid of isn't an actual affair, but that you won't be the most important person to your husband anymore. Please remember that him valuing other people does NOT in any way mean that he values you less.

  4. #94
    Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I wouldn't discourage the classmate group if there were more men to even out the ratio better. Since it's mainly 15 women and only 2 men, it's odd that the men are interested in meeting for monthly brunches. I would accompany my husband to these brunches and perhaps become friends with one or several of the classmates.

    Since your husband decided not to attend these brunches anymore, that's that. If he wants to see his friend, he can meet him at a restaurant once in awhile.

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  6. #95
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I wouldn't discourage the classmate group if there were more men to even out the ratio better. Since it's mainly 15 women and only 2 men, it's odd that the men are interested in meeting for monthly brunches. I would accompany my husband to these brunches and perhaps become friends with one or several of the classmates.

    Since your husband decided not to attend these brunches anymore, that's that. If he wants to see his friend, he can meet him at a restaurant once in awhile.
    I really don't see how the ratio of men to women matters. If they are old friends, why is it odd? If her husband is faithful, he's faithful- no matter HOW many women are around. What if he worked in an office that had more women than men? Is he definitely gonna cheat just because there's women around? She must have a really low opinion of her husband to think that. Like he can't control himself at ALL.
    I agree that she should go and meet his friends. She may even like them and make a friend of her own. Also, then it wouldn't be shrouded in mystery. She imagining it is worse than it actually is. She should go and see that a brunch is just a brunch.

    The problem is- he DIDN'T decide. He felt forced to choose between his spouse and his friends because his wife nagged him about it due to her insecurities, which is not healthy.

    He's not going to forget this. Because it's not really about a brunch. It's that he'll likely be frustrated feeling like his wife doesn't trust him, doesn't care that he wants his friends in his life, and isn't at all secure in the marriage, even after years and years of proven loyalty. Which is NOT a good feeling. OP, how would you feel if an old male friend of yours decided to send you a Christmas card and then your husband accused you of cheating or behaved as though you were definitely going to cheat on him because of this card? And he said that he trusted you but not the man? WOULD you feel like he trusted you? Or would you feel belittled, insulted, and disrespected since you've never given him reason to question your loyalty?

    OP, you can SAY you trust your husband all you want. But actions speak louder than words.
    He may no longer go to brunch. But in my opinion you have created a far more serious problem in your marriage now.

  7. #96
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    Originally Posted by redswim30
    I really don't see how the ratio of men to women matters. If they are old friends, why is it odd? If her husband is faithful, he's faithful- no matter HOW many women are around. What if he worked in an office that had more women than men? Is he definitely gonna cheat just because there's women around? She must have a really low opinion of her husband to think that. Like he can't control himself at ALL.
    I agree that she should go and meet his friends. She may even like them and make a friend of her own. Also, then it wouldn't be shrouded in mystery. She imagining it is worse than it actually is. She should go and see that a brunch is just a brunch.

    The problem is- he DIDN'T decide. He felt forced to choose between his spouse and his friends because his wife nagged him about it due to her insecurities, which is not healthy.

    He's not going to forget this. Because it's not really about a brunch. It's that he'll likely be frustrated feeling like his wife doesn't trust him, doesn't care that he wants his friends in his life, and isn't at all secure in the marriage, even after years and years of proven loyalty. Which is NOT a good feeling. OP, how would you feel if an old male friend of yours decided to send you a Christmas card and then your husband accused you of cheating or behaved as though you were definitely going to cheat on him because of this card? And he said that he trusted you but not the man? WOULD you feel like he trusted you? Or would you feel belittled, insulted, and disrespected since you've never given him reason to question your loyalty?

    OP, you can SAY you trust your husband all you want. But actions speak louder than words.
    He may no longer go to brunch. But in my opinion you have created a far more serious problem in your marriage now.
    I think you're being very fair and you're right, he DIDN'T decide. He acquiesced in order to silence her.

    I admit I am insecure in a way. I wouldn't like it if my husband met his former classmate in a sea of females for brunch every month. I should be enough female for my husband including friendship. Call me old-fashioned or whatever but that's how I am and in my case, my husband would see my side. It's not only a matter of trust or stealing husbands either even though the OP fears this. It just seems like a singles type party despite my married husband in the mix. I'm sure it's all quite innocent but it would make me feel uneasy. Not that my husband would attend but he's the type who would understand how I feel even though outsiders may not see my point.

    Every couple is different. Some don't see anything wrong with it and others have a problem with this and I am one of them. I fully support what other couples do and if they reach an agreement, then swell. I also fully support other people's opinions as well. As for my husband and I, we're different and while a one time HS reunion is fine, habitual brunches with only 2 men and 15 women wouldn't sit well with me. Fortunately, something like this wouldn't cause an explosive argument with my husband. He's easy going and the type to understand how I would feel about this. And, he's the type to ask if I 'd like to join and make some friends myself with those women. Or, he could meet his friend for a meal every now and then.

  8. #97
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    I think you're being very fair and you're right, he DIDN'T decide. He acquiesced in order to silence her.

    I admit I am insecure in a way. I wouldn't like it if my husband met his former classmate in a sea of females for brunch every month. I should be enough female for my husband including friendship. Call me old-fashioned or whatever but that's how I am and in my case, my husband would see my side. It's not only a matter of trust or stealing husbands either even though the OP fears this. It just seems like a singles type party despite my married husband in the mix. I'm sure it's all quite innocent but it would make me feel uneasy. Not that my husband would attend but he's the type who would understand how I feel even though outsiders may not see my point.

    Every couple is different. Some don't see anything wrong with it and others have a problem with this and I am one of them. I fully support what other couples do and if they reach an agreement, then swell. I also fully support other people's opinions as well. As for my husband and I, we're different and while a one time HS reunion is fine, habitual brunches with only 2 men and 15 women wouldn't sit well with me. Fortunately, something like this wouldn't cause an explosive argument with my husband. He's easy going and the type to understand how I would feel about this. And, he's the type to ask if I 'd like to join and make some friends myself with those women. Or, he could meet his friend for a meal every now and then.
    You are confusing situational friendships from close friendships. Yes, aside from close relationships with family - sisters, grandma, etc, being all the female friendship he *needs* is valid, but being *friends* with the neighbors, classmates, other parents from your kids' sports team, coworkers is totally different. I am friends with male classmates. I may not see them for 10 years, but if i knew someone who was starting in their industry, i could send them an email or call and say "hey, classmate, my nephew is starting in your field, any pointers?" Do i spill my heart out to them? no. Have i me their wife? Unless they were dating them when we were in school - probably not. And as far as a hobby i am involved with - do i have to take one of the women out to lunch outside of the group to appease my husband since the group is male dominated? Nope. i can simply go to the meetings and converse with whoever is there. I have my own close friends.

  9. #98
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    You are confusing situational friendships from close friendships. Yes, aside from close relationships with family - sisters, grandma, etc, being all the female friendship he *needs* is valid, but being *friends* with the neighbors, classmates, other parents from your kids' sports team, coworkers is totally different. I am friends with male classmates. I may not see them for 10 years, but if i knew someone who was starting in their industry, i could send them an email or call and say "hey, classmate, my nephew is starting in your field, any pointers?" Do i spill my heart out to them? no. Have i me their wife? Unless they were dating them when we were in school - probably not. And as far as a hobby i am involved with - do i have to take one of the women out to lunch outside of the group to appease my husband since the group is male dominated? Nope. i can simply go to the meetings and converse with whoever is there. I have my own close friends.
    I think whatever you're comfortable with, go for it. Each couple needs to work it out somehow.

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