Jump to content

Did my bf’s friend come on to me? Do I say anything to my bf?


Recommended Posts

I’ve been dating my current bf for close to 3 years. I’ve never cheated on him and don’t ever intend to. My bf has this one friend (who’s actually his previous boss) that I cannot stand. Let’s call him Darren. He’s in his late 30s, and doesn’t have his life together. And the from stories I’ve heard, he sleeps around a lot, even with guys who are “straight” or in relationships (even if he’s friends with their spouses!)

 

Anyway, my bf and I invited Darren and another friend to our place and we drank and watched tv and had an amazing time. Then my bf got too drunk and went to bed around 2am. After about 30 mins the other friend said she was leaving too and I said, “Great. I’m going to bed because I was tired”. After my friend left, Darren was slow to leave and kept lingering. I also saw that he kept staring at me trying to make eye contact but I ignored it.

 

Then he said he was leaving and hugged me goodbye but leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. I withdrew and started cleaning up, but still he kept lingering and then said he couldn’t find his gloves (which was a lie cuz I saw him put them in his pockets). I made him empty his pockets and sure enough there they were.

 

He came up to me again and tried to hug me and I said ok goodnight and quickly gave him a distant hug and a pat on the back and kinda rushed him out of he apartment.

 

So I’m not sure if he was just drunk and being silly and I’m reading too much into it. Or if he was trying to initiate something. Either way I’m disgusted by him. Since I have no clear evidence do I tell my bf about it or no?

Link to comment

Your very negative attitude toward this guy is leading you into reading whole lot of something into what is in reality absolutely nothing. In short, don't flatter yourself, nobody was hitting on you.

 

Btw, your guests should leave long before you or your bf go to bed. Learn how to get people to get out before it gets so late, aka end the get together gracefully. Also, if you are all drinking, maybe limit how much you are all drinking unless you are willing to let people crash at your pad until they sober up enough to leave. If alcohol is flowing, then....well....expect that guests might end up lingering to sober up.

Link to comment

This. Stop inviting him over and write it off as drunk and creepy. If you want drama, tell your bf. But why not just get better boundaries and assertiveness skills, such as not inviting him over, not letting guests get this drunk (and drive!) and making clear the party is over? He should have left when your bf went to bed. And your bf shouldn't host his people and get passed out drunk. The problem is your bf.

I’m not sure if he was just drunk and being silly and I’m reading too much into it.
Link to comment
Your very negative attitude toward this guy is leading you into reading whole lot of something into what is in reality absolutely nothing. In short, don't flatter yourself, nobody was hitting on you.

 

Btw, your guests should leave long before you or your bf go to bed. Learn how to get people to get out before it gets so late, aka end the get together gracefully. Also, if you are all drinking, maybe limit how much you are all drinking unless you are willing to let people crash at your pad until they sober up enough to leave. If alcohol is flowing, then....well....expect that guests might end up lingering to sober up.

 

Not sure why you’re so harsh. I wasn’t flattering myself— our interaction left me uncomfortable (I’m sure your guy friends don’t kiss each other on the cheek when they say goodbye), which is why I came here to gauge people’s opinion.

 

Also, thanks for the advice on how to conduct my parties. My bf drank a lot but the rest of us didn’t drink that much.

Link to comment

My son throws a lot of drinking parties with his partner. They have a Roomba programmed to start vacuuming the house at the time they want everyone to leave. It is a silly thing and everyone knows when it is time to go when the Roomba wants to work.

 

It works!

Link to comment

Also, I have been sexually assaulted before (nothing too graphic— just groped against my will). So forgive me if I read too much into this. Darren and I weren’t that close so for him to be lingering, staring me down and full on kissing me on the cheek, I was uncomfortable. But if I’m reading too much into things I’ll at least know now.

 

Thanks for for the advice guys.

Link to comment

There are a lot of people that say goodbye with a hug - and he was toasted.

I really think that if your boyfriend goes to bed, or you go to bed (unless let's say its family members of the awake person), the party is over - you both bid your guests good night - and then they leave and the tired person goes to bed. Its just good etiquette. i would not have liked it if my guy went to bed and i was stuck entertaining HIS two friends, you know?

Link to comment

The way I see it is, no way in heck would you ever be into Darren, that's more than clear. And you'd never cheat on your bf, so no need to mention anything as no doubt Darren was drunk and being stupid.

 

However, if he tries it again, let your boyfriend know that Darren is a creep and you don't want him around anymore.

Link to comment
My son throws a lot of drinking parties with his partner. They have a Roomba programmed to start vacuuming the house at the time they want everyone to leave. It is a silly thing and everyone knows when it is time to go when the Roomba wants to work.

 

It works!

 

I like that!

Link to comment

I always find it interesting what people will and won’t tell their SOs.

 

In your shoes - I would not accuse him of hitting on you because it’s not clear that’s what he was doing.

 

I would, however, just ask my SO not to leave me alone with Darren. I would just say that you had a bit of a hard time getting him to leave and that it was awkward and a little uncomfortable.

 

I agree with the poster who said that when your BF went to bed, it was time for everyone to leave anyways.

 

I don’t think you have to hide it - but I also wouldn’t accuse him of hitting on you, thereby causing a fight. Middle ground. Mention your feelings of discomfort but don’t accuse him of things he may or may not have been doing, IMO.

Link to comment
I always find it interesting what people will and won’t tell their SOs.

 

In your shoes - I would not accuse him of hitting on you because it’s not clear that’s what he was doing.

 

I would, however, just ask my SO not to leave me alone with Darren. I would just say that you had a bit of a hard time getting him to leave and that it was awkward and a little uncomfortable.

 

I agree with the poster who said that when your BF went to bed, it was time for everyone to leave anyways.

 

I don’t think you have to hide it - but I also wouldn’t accuse him of hitting on you, thereby causing a fight. Middle ground. Mention your feelings of discomfort but don’t accuse him of things he may or may not have been doing, IMO.

 

Absolutely this. It covers everything without going overboard.

Link to comment

2 birds with one stone. Time to go alarm and clean up. brilliant.

My son throws a lot of drinking parties with his partner. They have a Roomba programmed to start vacuuming the house at the time they want everyone to leave. It is a silly thing and everyone knows when it is time to go when the Roomba wants to work.

 

It works!

Link to comment
I’ve been dating my current bf for close to 3 years. I’ve never cheated on him and don’t ever intend to. My bf has this one friend (who’s actually his previous boss) that I cannot stand. Let’s call him Darren. He’s in his late 30s, and doesn’t have his life together. And the from stories I’ve heard, he sleeps around a lot, even with guys who are “straight” or in relationships (even if he’s friends with their spouses!)

 

Anyway, my bf and I invited Darren and another friend to our place and we drank and watched tv and had an amazing time. Then my bf got too drunk and went to bed around 2am. After about 30 mins the other friend said she was leaving too and I said, “Great. I’m going to bed because I was tired”. After my friend left, Darren was slow to leave and kept lingering. I also saw that he kept staring at me trying to make eye contact but I ignored it.

 

Then he said he was leaving and hugged me goodbye but leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. I withdrew and started cleaning up, but still he kept lingering and then said he couldn’t find his gloves (which was a lie cuz I saw him put them in his pockets). I made him empty his pockets and sure enough there they were.

 

He came up to me again and tried to hug me and I said ok goodnight and quickly gave him a distant hug and a pat on the back and kinda rushed him out of he apartment.

 

So I’m not sure if he was just drunk and being silly and I’m reading too much into it. Or if he was trying to initiate something. Either way I’m disgusted by him. Since I have no clear evidence do I tell my bf about it or no?

 

I think you are making far too much out of the antics of a drunken dufus.

Link to comment

Heterosexual men, when drunk, might even tell their guy friend that they love him, and hug and kiss them, if they are happy drunks. When you are not clear of his intention, don't ruin your bf's friendship with assumptions.

 

When I was dating my first husband, I didn't like his best friend, since his friend would make jokes about me, versus joking with me. I told my bf I didn't want to double date with that particular friend, and to keep their friendship doing one-on-one things with each other, without me.

 

If I were you, I'd make the same request. Why subject yourself to someone you can't stand? He can do things with his buddy without you.

Link to comment

He could have been drunk.

Whether he was or wasn't, he was coming onto you.

 

It's up to you if you wnt to let your bf know.

If it were me, I would make sure I knew if Darren is going to be at any shindig you and bf go to and avoid it. If and when your bf asks why, it would be time to let him know.

 

Sorry this happened.

As a home owner/rentor you have the right to ask anybody to leave and they must legally go. If they refuse, you can wake your bf or call the authorities or apt mgr or on-site security to have them removed.

 

Good luck and hang in there.

Link to comment

I would, however, just ask my SO not to leave me alone with Darren. I would just say that you had a bit of a hard time getting him to leave and that it was awkward and a little uncomfortable.

 

This covers it. There is no law that says we need to like every friend a partner has. We just learn how to use discretion in minimizing our exposure to disliked friends while encouraging more time with others. I'd avoid reducing it to a power struggle. That breeds resentment for no 'win'.

 

Head high, you did fine.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...