Unusual Circumstances

Hi All -

I wanted to briefly share a story with you and ask for your guidance from an unbiased point of view.

I was dating girl 1 for 2 years. Our first year was great, however I became controlling and it ultimately led to us breaking up. We both had our fair share of issues that contributed to the breakup.

Shortly after, I started dating girl 2. We have been dating for 9 months now. She is 33 weeks pregnant currently. Near the beginning of the relationship, my ex texted me and said that she was able to heal and start working on the deficiencies on her side as long as I could work on trusting her and getting past my control issues.

I told girl 2 that I wanted to take a break and figure out what I really wanted. She was 2-3 months pregnant at this point.

After consulting with friends, although my heart was with my ex, the relationship with the mother of my unborn child seemed promising, I hadn't given it enough time, and it was the practical decision.

I chose girl 2. We moved in together. Beginning of this month she said she wanted to move in with her parents. She resented me for breaking up with her to figure out what I wanted, although I felt that to be the respectful and fair thing to do. That she questions everything I do and cant get the thought of me being with girl 1. That whenever shes with me, it haunts her.

She said she still wants to date, see me several times a week, etc. We see each other maybe once a week. I try to bring up couple counseling and various options that she avoids. I begged her to stay the night one night last week, which she did, but she doesnt want her parents knowing shes over here bc they dont like me. Who would after their daughter was impregnated?

I decided to take a trip just me to the beach for the weekend to get space and think. She gets upset that I didnt invite her. I told her I had to beg her to stay 1 night, let alone 3 nights out of state.

My friends are telling me she's going through a lot of changes during the pregnancy and I should just wait it out and be there for her whether it takes her a few months or a year to possibly come back.

The problem is I dont feel effort. I dont feel shes trying to "work past" her resentment and anger and lack of trust. I feel I'm there for her when she needs to be consoled otherwise she has her own life with her family now. I dont know if I've grown attached to the pregnancy, or to her, like my friends advised I would but I have definitely developed something to where this apartness and separation hurts.

At the same time, I want to just say I made a bad decision and go with my heart back to my ex. However, all I can see right now is girl 2, pregnant, and that I want to have a family.

On a side note, she grew up in a very loveless or tough love home. Her mom and she never got along, would always say mean things and curse at her. Now her mom is being loving and giving her what she never received as a child so I am thinking that is part of it.

From the outside looking in...what are your perspectives? It's really hard to focus on life and my career with this heartache and I'm really hoping to find relief in just a different mindset, perspective, and conversation.

Thank you all in advance.

You blew her off after she was pregnant to figure out if you wanted a different girl and now you want her to make more of an effort? I don't think you are sufficiently self centered in this situation, I am astounded she is talking to you, much less spending any time with you at all. She is in her last trimester, the father of her child is completely unreliable and wants things his way and seems to show NO UNDERSTANDING of what it is like to be pregnant, much less pregnant with an uncertain future and a flaky, selfish potential partner. You should be knocking yourself out to show her that she is a priority and that you understand what you did and that she is actually your choice. If she is not, if you only want her because you want a "family" then let her go and just be a father. I think you need to do a lot of work on what you want out of life, how you treat people and what kind of a person you want to be. Why are you "begging" her to spend the night? What for? How is about figuring out what you can be doing for her instead of thinking of yourself.

You broke up with your pregnant girlfriend to be with an ex? I'm surprised girl 2 let you come back. And I'm not surprised her parents don't like you.

"The problem is I dont feel effort" - if you stop only thinking about yourself, maybe you realise that maybe it's you that have to do the effort for now while your girlfriend is pregnant and is unsure if you'll pull another one to "find your self"/"be with girl 1"/"be with another girl". It's you that should be showing that you're reliable and that she can trust you again. She's pregnant of your child, the dynamics have changed, if you want to be a father, you need to think about her and the baby's needs and not just yours. If you're not able to do so, then leave her be and stick to child support and visitations.

Talk about being irresponsible..wow! To be honest, I'm surprised either one of these girls would want you. It sounds like you play games and don't really think before you make decisions.

If I were to give an honest opinion I think you should leave both of them alone. Concentrate on working to finance your child. be a good father. That doesn't mean you need to be with the child's mother.

Keep your pants on and focus on how you're going to take care of this baby. As for dating? I don't think your mature enough for that.

Sorry to hear this. At this point you are playing with 3 lives and two relationships and messing everyone about because you can't make up your mind. Stop listening to your friends and start being responsible and listen to your gf (pick one and respect the other, but make up your mind). Decide what you want before you ruin 3 lives on your whims. Get grown up responsible advice from a therapist.

Holy.....wow....just wow..... You dumped your pregnant gf to go ponder if you want to go back to your ex and NOW you are surprised that she doesn't trust you? I mean do you have any clue at all what you did and how destructive that is? Clearly not, as you actually dare to sit here and ponder how she should be making an effort for you.

Dude, if she was on here, my advice to her would be to drop kick you out of her life, file for child support and never have anything to do with your selfish azz ever again.

It's not her who needs to show effort, it's YOU. You need to get your head screwed on straight and beg for forgiveness and do whatever it takes to rebuild trust and show her that you aren't an oblivious, selfish, immature man child. You want a family? Then grow up.

Near the beginning of the relationship, my ex texted me and said that she was able to heal and start working on the deficiencies on her side as long as I could work on trusting her and getting past my control issues. I told girl 2 that I wanted to take a break and figure out what I really wanted. She was 2-3 months pregnant at this point.

I decided to take a trip just me to the beach for the weekend to get space and think. She gets upset that I didn't invite her. I told her I had to beg her to stay 1 night, let alone 3 nights out of state.

At the same time, I want to just say I made a bad decision and go with my heart back to my ex. However, all I can see right now is girl 2, pregnant, and that I want to have a family.

When you ask why your pregnant girlfriend won't forgive and get past the resentment, please re-read the above sentences from your post. You left her while she was pregnant for your ex, and even though you came back to her, you still haven't fully committed to her and the relationship. Your lack of authenticity and your unwillingness to fully commit to the relationship are the reasons she is still feeling angry and resentful. She senses your heart isn't in it and rightfully so is being protective of her own heart as a result.

If your heart is still with your ex, then stop playing around with this girl's emotions and let her go... she deserves to have someone in her life that is 100% committed to being with her.

Dude. Just...dude.

You are stunningly lacking in insight here, and come across as very self-absorbed. Her parents don't like you because you ditched their pregnant daughter for your ex, then tried to bounce back into her life. They probably watched their daughter cry herself to sleep at night after you left, wondered how she was going to get by as a single mom, questioned how a man could be so callous. If you have a little girl, imagine some guy treating her the same way. Do you think you would want that guy in her life? I doubt it.

Given that you left just 2-3 months into her pregnancy and she is 33 weeks along now, this has all happened very quickly. Most people would need a lot more time to process being dumped like that, but add a baby into the mix, and she's got a heavy emotional load on her shoulders.

As such, now is not the time to be pestering her about dating seriously again. It's going to cause too much distress when the last thing she needs is more emotional strain. You don't seem to understand how difficult pregnancy can be and that her energy right now is going to be devoted to making sure the remaining weeks go smoothly - not to putting in effort for a guy who already showed her he's not very emotionally responsible or reliable. She's keeping her distance from you as a means of self-preservation, which is also important for the health of the baby.

All you can do is be prepared to provide support to the baby and get involved in his or her life. You two might find your way back to each other as a couple but I think it will be a much slower process than you're expecting. Your romantic relationship isn't the number one priority for her right now. Nurturing your unborn baby is.

I don't know how old you are physically, but your emotional age is very, very young. You can't seem to see anyone or anything outside of yourself. Everything is about you.

This is why it's so concerning that you're going to be a father. Very scary

The least you could do as of now is put yourself aside, and do everything you can for this baby. Stop worrying about what the world can do for you, man up, and be a proper father.

Holy.....wow....just wow..... You dumped your pregnant gf to go ponder if you want to go back to your ex and NOW you are surprised that she doesn't trust you? I mean do you have any clue at all what you did and how destructive that is? Clearly not, as you actually dare to sit here and ponder how she should be making an effort for you.

 

Dude, if she was on here, my advice to her would be to drop kick you out of her life, file for child support and never have anything to do with your selfish azz ever again.

 

It's not her who needs to show effort, it's YOU. You need to get your head screwed on straight and beg for forgiveness and do whatever it takes to rebuild trust and show her that you aren't an oblivious, selfish, immature man child. You want a family? Then grow up.

The lack of self awareness and the amount of "selfishness" in this post (OP's, not yours) is so much that I don't know if this is real lol

I suppose my next questions would be;

1. If I am emotionally immature, how does someone go about maturing?

2. How does one go about restoring trust that has been lost?

I suppose my next questions would be;

 

1. If I am emotionally immature, how does someone go about maturing?

 

2. How does one go about restoring trust that has been lost?

There is unfortunately no magic wand you can wave to suddenly become emotionally mature and to restore someone's trust... both of these take time and patience with ourselves and others.

In relation to your situation, emotional maturity would mean accepting that your actions have consequences and taking complete responsibility for how your actions impact others. It means sitting with your feelings and not impulsively bouncing around because you are feeling like you are missing out on something or like you are hanging on to a fantasy. It means being pragmatic and considering your options, thinking things out, not just acting because your heart tells you to. People that do this end up in just the same situation you are with a trail of broken hearts and promises and resentful ex's behind them.

You have a child to consider here... I don't advocate staying in a relationship because you are unhappy, I do however question why you want to run back to your ex. Is it because you are afraid of the responsibility of having a child and the pressure of having a family and the ex with no strings attached is appealing?

And also empathy. Taking all the focus from your self and also thinking about how your pregnant girlfriend feels and what she needs at this time. If you don't love her and don't want to be with her, then don't string her along just because you don't want to be alone and want to keep both women orbiting around you. Stop treating them as options. If you decide not to be with the pregnant girlfriend be honest and follow through and set the visitation rights and child support with a lawyer. If you decide you want to be with her, you need to totally cut communication with your ex and get your heart and mind in the well being of the newborn child and the well being of the mother of your child as they're both attached. No more back and forth and taking breaks to figure out/have sex with other women. But as I said, if you're not ready to such commitment and such empathy and not being the center of it all, leave her and let her find someone more suited to be her loving and committed boyfriend.

You have a child to consider here... I don't advocate staying in a relationship because you are unhappy, I do however question why you want to run back to your ex. Is it because you are afraid of the responsibility of having a child and the pressure of having a family and the ex with no strings attached is appealing?

Speaking to one of my friends today, I believe they hit it spot on. "Are you just afraid of rejection?" I've got two children already - so it's not the pressure of having a family, and the ex has a child also, either way I'd have the responsibility of an additional child.

I am going to try to elaborate slightly more on the background. My ex and I were together for 2 years; the first year was terrific, however the second year was not. My ex was very supportive both emotionally and physically; and she had a drive for life which was what I was most attracted to. She always had a plan, or was making a plan on how to get to the next step. She was not complacent. My jealously lead to controlling the relationship, and lack of intimacy. I am a very loving person, where she was less of the "let's just lay around the house and cuddle today". She reached out to me during my current relationship asking for the birth certificate of her child that I still had, and we met up in a public place for me to give it to her. At that moment, I suddenly had an overwhelming feeling of sadness and love that I had pushed back. That's when I decided it would be unfair to feel that while with my current; so we took a break.

I chose my current girlfriend under the circumstances of what appeared to be in my best interest. Although she doesn't have a "drive for life" that was so appealing to me, we weren't broken - or at least I didn't think we were. I chose to try to nurture and start a new relationship, and family (with the child on the way) as opposed to going back to a relationship that had once failed for it to potentially do so again. Something that was pure, and not previously tainted by jealousy and anger.

What is so appealing about my ex is that she stated she had a 'change in perspective' and understands why I felt the way I did and she has shifted to where she craves the intimacy as well. By intimacy I'm not referring to sex, but just the sole joy of laying around, holding someone; and for that moment, nothing else matters. This has left a nudging "what if" in my head. HOWEVER - once I chose my current girlfriend, every time memories were thought of or I started to miss my ex I would tell myself "You chose her. You aren't thinking about this right now". After I chose her, I 110% committed to her in every way supporting through her pregnancy and all the ups and downs. After a few months went by and her and I lived together - we started fighting more and more. She stated it was due to the distrust caused by our brief breakup. That every time we were apart, she'd think "what if he's with her". Every time we were to be intimate, "what if he's thinking of her". She stated space will help her possibly get through it; that she didn't know if she could or could not. But being in the situation put too much stress on her, but she would still like to see each other multiple times a week. She is actually staying next weekend with me.

And also empathy. Taking all the focus from your self and also thinking about how your pregnant girlfriend feels and what she needs at this time. If you don't love her and don't want to be with her, then don't string her along just because you don't want to be alone and want to keep both women orbiting around you. Stop treating them as options. If you decide not to be with the pregnant girlfriend be honest and follow through and set the visitation rights and child support with a lawyer. If you decide you want to be with her, you need to totally cut communication with your ex and get your heart and mind in the well being of the newborn child and the well being of the mother of your child as they're both attached. No more back and forth and taking breaks to figure out/have sex with other women. But as I said, if you're not ready to such commitment and such empathy and not being the center of it all, leave her and let her find someone more suited to be her loving and committed boyfriend.

I am 100% ready for a commitment. Ever since I had my first child, I've been looking for a commitment. A long-term relationship. A family. That's all that I want. I wanted my next and last child to be with the woman I spend my life with. There's nothing more that I want at this point in my life than a solid relationship with a family.