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Thread: I donít want to mess this up

  1. #1
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    I donít want to mess this up

    So, I posted on here a few times early last year and in 2017 in relation to my , as I now see it, toxic relationship. In a nut shell my fiancť of 3 1/2 years broke up with me 2 years running so he could mess around and kept me hanging around for him for when it suited him, he cheated and he lied a lot, he was emotially and mentally abusive and in the end things got physical too... the whole thing was a dramatic mess.

    Anyways even though I am now totally over him it seems that my head still canít forget everything that went along with the relationship.

    I have been in a new relationship now for 3 months and my new partner is totally the opposite in every way to my ex. But I feel like I am starting to maybe risk the relationship because I keep worrying...all of the time. I worry that heís going to get bored of me, that Iím not good enough for him, he tells me all the time I am and I feel terrible he is always having to reassure me. He has been very understanding not only through this but also as my dad died just before Christmas. I think everything is making me very emotional and even the fact that he is amazing and I donít want to lose him makes me worry about everything and that I may. I find myself in a downward spiral because I take things personal and think heís is criticising me when he actually isnít and I canít stand the thought of him thinking negative of me but then if I say something I feel guilty for making a problem out of nothing and he reassured me again but I still think the fact I said something again makes him think negative of me.

    I have seen a therapist 10 times between July 2017 and August 2018 and she said there not much more she can work on with me and that I have to do the next steps myself but to be honest Iím struggling. She has told me a technique I really must get to grips with is ďacknowledgement of the feeling but then thinking of the factsĒ when I get panicked about something. But Iím finding this hard if I donít know the facts. Iím overthinking everything.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Did your therapist mention staying single until you completed the tasks she assigned you? If not she kinda dropped the ball.

    Look, I often say being in a relationship isnít a necessity, itís not like breathing or eating. Emotionally unhealthy people look at relationships as a need but at the end of the day it isnít and in fact if you cannot cope within a relationship youíre actually doing more harm than good being in one.

    And another hard truth attempting to fix yourself while exposing yourself to your triggers is one of the most backwards things you can do, it would be like taking up smoking while going through chemo for lung cancer.

    The only way to not ruin things is to press pause and fix yourself so you donít chase him away which... Iím aorry I think itís only a matter of time you arenít gonna be able to go the rest of your life suppressing your confidence and self esteem and abandonment issues issues

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. lots of adjustments. Go to a doctor for a complete physical to rule out any underlying biological or neurochemical issues. Also get a referral for grief counseling and a new psychologist. Don't go through this alone. get help from a doctor grief counseling/support groups and therapist.

    This new man seems kind enough so take it slow and let it evolve. At some point you can't stay stalled out in the past and ruminating about this ex for years. See what underlying things are causing that.
    Originally Posted by Moonhobbit9
    my dad died just before Christmas.
    I have seen a therapist 10 times between July 2017 and August 2018 and she said there not much more she can work on with me and that I have to do the next steps myself but to be honest Iím struggling.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Seems like you need to go back to getting some more help, support, and counseling. The new relationship, as well as the loss of your dad has triggered a lot of issues from the past.
    You might want to try a different therapist. There is no one size fits all therapy. It seems that what you tried before wasn't an effective match/approach for you and left you where things are still unresolved for you. What is very clear from your post is that you need more help, so please be kind to yourself and seek it out.

    Sometimes therapy combined with some self help books on how to deal with anxieties and insecurities might help too. You might want to spend some time perusing different ones and see what resonates with you in particular. Like I said, no one size fit all. You need to find methods, exercised, ideas that work for you in particular. Something that makes that light bulb go off in your mind, an aha moment.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Moonhobbit9
    ... and kept me hanging around for him for when it suited him,
    Naaah. You're failing your therapist's homework to learn the difference between a feeling and a fact.

    Nobody 'keeps' us hanging around--for mistreatment, or for anything else. That was a choice YOU made, and unless and until you can grasp that, you'll keep casting yourself as a victim 'hanging around' waiting for mistreatment to happen.

    That's not accurate, and as you've noticed, it does the opposite of heal you.

    Healing is a decision, and you won't be relationship material until you're honest enough with yourself to make the right choice.


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