My girlfriend wants a break to figure out feelings

Hi, i'm having quite a hard time at the moment and need advice. I've been in a relationship for 7 months now and something started to go sideways around 3 months. My girlfriend is a traveller, before we started dating she was travelling a lot. She's really independent and confident. The first couple of dates were amazing and out of this world. It was really quick and both of us started falling in love with each other. We went for a roadtrip around Wales and it was brilliant. When we met she already had a trip booked to Peru.

Everything was perfect, dates, flowers, love letters and amazing time together. I am a romantic guy, with old school values around a woman i love and care about. She is my world and would do anything for her. After coming back from Peru she changed entirely. She was emotionless and angry all the time. Apparently she tried some natural drugs there which make you realise things. Since that time our relationship is a rollercoaster of feelings, anger, patience and lurking break up...In the meantime there is a guy at her work who says he loves her...she says not to worry about it because she likes other man's attention but will do nothing about it. I've been cheated on in the past and told her about it.

Yesterday she told me she needs a break from each other to think about her feelings, because at the beginning she loved me more than any other guy in her life. That the love for me was the strongest feeling she ever experienced. Now she is not sure what she is feeling...when she doesn't see me she misses me but she wants to figure out what happened to her. She wants to completely stop seeing me, texting, calling, any form of contact...except sex, emotionless sex.

What should i do? wait? break up?

I love her more than anything, she is out of this world. Please help me to understand.

Tom

Sorry to hear this. Yes go no contact. "find myself", "confused", "stressed", "busy", "space", etc are all soft breakups. During this time decide if someone like this is even gf material. There's a lot you don't know about her and a lot she's hiding. It could be she met someone, when back to someone, took this trip (physical trip, and/or psychoactive drug trip) with someone, etc. Also consider her use of magic mushrooms and if you want to be with someone who parties this hardy.

After coming back from Peru she changed entirely. She was emotionless and angry all the time. Apparently she tried some natural drugs there which make you realise things.

Hi Wiseman2, thank you for a reply. I meant she tried the natural drugs in Peru and she went with her best girlfriend. I want to go full no contact, i'm just fighting myself not to write to her. Yesterday she offered to have sex but just that. I think it's a terrible idea and it will ruin everything. I might do it once and than just stop contacting her at all.

What do you think?

Sorry to reading this... I don't think that she is worse to your feelings. I can't see her real thinking in her mind, but I feel that she is not ready to have a responsible relationship with someone. I know it is hard but if you keep distance from her, and stop all contact, you will have much possibility that she will be back to you (when she feels lonely). And at that time, it will be you to take a initiative to decide: keep seeing her or not.

Thank you papapooh, i think she is really lost and confused. She said that she wants to spend time on her own to figure out what is going on with her. Unfortunately, it will be really hard for me to break the contact with her at all. I always thought that talking is a way of solving problems. Let;s see what will happen.

it's very hard to accept her decision but don't forget, you can change your future. The most important thing right now is to show her that you are mature, and respectful. As you said, she sounds being lost and she may just need to well prepare for you, who knows. When she will be ready, or simply need someone, it can be you that she calls. It totally depends on your attitude, and then, you can take initiative to decide what your relationship will be; you may not need her anymore or you accept her again.

In my personal opinion, if you want a chance at all with this, it's best to leave her on her own. Give her a chance to truly miss you and to start once again appreciating you.

She can't do that if you're still in her face or still contacting her.

Though to be honest, I'm not sure if this girl is worth it. She enjoys others mens attentions, she does drugs and she is now messed up in the head more than likely due to the drugs.

You might be getting yourself into a situation with a girl who will only bring you drama and problems.

I think the real problem is this other guy in her orbit, not some natural drug that she tried in Peru.

It sounds like she enjoys his attention a little too much and her head is turned in his direction. And no, you should definitely not agree to just be her sex-buddy. How insulting that she even suggested that.

I think it's going to be best to break up altogether, OP.

In my personal opinion, if you want a chance at all with this, it's best to leave her on her own. Give her a chance to truly miss you and to start once again appreciating you.

She can't do that if you're still in her face or still contacting her.

 

Though to be honest, I'm not sure if this girl is worth it. She enjoys others mens attentions, she does drugs and she is now messed up in the head more than likely due to the drugs.

 

You might be getting yourself into a situation with a girl who will only bring you drama and problems.

This.

The sure path to not getting what you want (or at least think you want) is to stay in contact, to agree to emotionless sex. Do that and that's what you are, what you are together.

So, hard as it is, let her go. Do you. Maybe she comes back around, maybe not. But with a little time and space you may find that you're less interested in what she has to offer, which like Sherry said sounds like some sandbox drama packaged in the costume of an existential traveler.

Apparently she tried some natural drugs there which make you realise things

Oh what tosh ...she wants a single life and to be able to have no strings sex when she sees you ......say goodbye and let her get on with it .

So, when she's supposed to be in an exclusive relationship, she fails to put up boundaries with other men, even if it doesn't lead to sex. She relishes men flirting with her, she invites it and responds in a way to keep it going. Her ego boost is more important than hurting you and preserving your relationship. That should be dealbreaker number 1 to you.

IMO, people who choose to take breaks from a partner versus working on issues together, don't care enough. They are willing to lose you, and therefore, really don't love you, as they can imagine a life without you. That should be dealbreaker number 2 for you.

There are other pretty, sexy, fun, intelligent women out in the world who are not flaky, wishy-washy, and who would want to share a beautiful life with you. Let the flake go so you can find a partner who is crazy about you and knows how to act like a mature, emotionally healthy person.

I agree with Andrina and Sherry. As an aside taking a break did work for me - because it was with the understanding that I wouldn't date others (and had nothing at all to do with another guy!) and he didn't either -and it was for a specific period of time (a month I think) -it did clear my head and give me more information.

Update:

She came to my place yesterday evening without heads up, with pizza. Wanted to watch a movie and have sex...after 3 hours of talking this is what she said:

She wants a proper break from tomorrow because she wanted to miss me more, she said that because she likes being in charge changed me into a spineless dude. I had my issues and problems before and that brought me to a therapist. She's 27 but said that she wants to not be a mature again and just use life a bit. Apparently she became mature really quickly and missed stuff. She claims i am a perfect guy for her but like in 3 maybe 4 years when she wants to settle. In her opinion i'm a fantastic guy and i'll be ok and maybe destiny will bring us together in the future.

She wants no contact now to figure out her feelings, at the moment she said she feels 70% to break up :) And just before leaving my place she said she doesn't love me now but maybe the feelings will come back after a break from each other.

What do you guys think?

She sounds like a very messed up person who uses people for sex and plays mind games.

I would delete and block.

Batya33 What was the outcome of the break?

There's a huge difference between a month and her telling you it might take years if you were ever together again.

You seriously need to let it go. She wanted to use you for sex one last time and then harshly told you she didn't love you.

That's pretty bad.

I understand that, probably somewhere deep inside i'm fooling myself that she will appreciate what she has now but common sense tells me that she never will. I need to let go really quickly because i have a soft spot for her and she knows that...

I realised just now how bad it sounds.

Thank you

Hi, i'm having quite a hard time at the moment and need advice. I've been in a relationship for 7 months now and something started to go sideways around 3 months. My girlfriend is a traveller, before we started dating she was travelling a lot. She's really independent and confident. The first couple of dates were amazing and out of this world. It was really quick and both of us started falling in love with each other. We went for a roadtrip around Wales and it was brilliant. When we met she already had a trip booked to Peru.

 

Everything was perfect, dates, flowers, love letters and amazing time together. I am a romantic guy, with old school values around a woman i love and care about. She is my world and would do anything for her. After coming back from Peru she changed entirely. She was emotionless and angry all the time. Apparently she tried some natural drugs there which make you realise things. Since that time our relationship is a rollercoaster of feelings, anger, patience and lurking break up...In the meantime there is a guy at her work who says he loves her...she says not to worry about it because she likes other man's attention but will do nothing about it. I've been cheated on in the past and told her about it.

 

Yesterday she told me she needs a break from each other to think about her feelings, because at the beginning she loved me more than any other guy in her life. That the love for me was the strongest feeling she ever experienced. Now she is not sure what she is feeling...when she doesn't see me she misses me but she wants to figure out what happened to her. She wants to completely stop seeing me, texting, calling, any form of contact...except sex, emotionless sex.

 

What should i do? wait? break up?

 

I love her more than anything, she is out of this world. Please help me to understand.

 

Tom

What a load of crap. She's over you, don't listen to her prattle. move on.

Sorry this is a 100% breakup with a string-along clause. Do not hang on. She met someone on this trip.

She wants no contact now to figure out her feelings, at the moment she said she feels 70% to break up :) And just before leaving my place she said she doesn't love me now but maybe the feelings will come back after a break from each other.

Sorry this is a 100% breakup with a string-along clause. Do not hang on. She met someone on this trip.

This.

And only this.

Maybe she met someone on the trip, maybe not. Doesn't matter, so don't dwell on that—no need for paranoid thinking.

What matters is she's out to lunch. What matters is your spine—get that thing back in tact and, once the waves of sadness pass, you'll just be glad to be standing tall again.

This is a break-up, OP.

Don't wait around for her. She's not the one for you.

Batya33 What was the outcome of the break?

We got back together. Ironically - and so randomly -he saw me out with another guy - huge coincidence. The guy was 100% a platonic friend - and my boyfriend knew him -probably met him - and yes we had dated in the past but.... 100% platonic. This was about 2 weeks into the break so I broke NC to assure him of "just a friend" -and it was all ok! We did get back together. I missed him a great deal. We didn't see other people and we didn't contact each other. In hindsight - a month actually wasn't long enough for me to realize we were not right together. And we ended up back and forth a few times over the next 3 years I think. Never another "break" - just break ups and back together. Ridiculous and unfortunate.

I did love him. Had no desire to cheat, was not triggered to doubt us because of another guy -nothing like that. But! I did have the "dream of someone else" -I did wonder what else and who else was out there. I just never acted on it - so in that way I was very loyal. In the way of not accepting my own feelings, doubts, trying to make things right when they weren't -was that disloyal? Not really -I mean I meant well -I wanted him, wanted us, would not accept we were just not a good match. I wish I'd been stronger and walked away a whole lot sooner. It wasn't fair to him, either. It took me about 4 months after the last break up for the lightbulb moment that we weren't right together and why that was. Two months later I started dating my future husband.

So it is different from the OP - because it sounds like she wants to play the field during this "break" -that's not about finding out how you really feel it's about comparison shopping. And calling it spiritual. Ick.

Update:

She came to my place yesterday evening without heads up, with pizza. Wanted to watch a movie and have sex...after 3 hours of talking this is what she said:

 

She wants a proper break from tomorrow because she wanted to miss me more, she said that because she likes being in charge changed me into a spineless dude. I had my issues and problems before and that brought me to a therapist. She's 27 but said that she wants to not be a mature again and just use life a bit. Apparently she became mature really quickly and missed stuff. She claims i am a perfect guy for her but like in 3 maybe 4 years when she wants to settle. In her opinion i'm a fantastic guy and i'll be ok and maybe destiny will bring us together in the future.

 

She wants no contact now to figure out her feelings, at the moment she said she feels 70% to break up :) And just before leaving my place she said she doesn't love me now but maybe the feelings will come back after a break from each other.

 

What do you guys think?

Though a very polite break up, a break up non-the-less.

She wants to know if she can keep you on a shelf and take you down at her convenience.

Do not demote yourself to that.

Wish her well.

Good Bye.

Update:

She came to my place yesterday evening without heads up, with pizza. Wanted to watch a movie and have sex...after 3 hours of talking this is what she said:

 

She wants a proper break from tomorrow because she wanted to miss me more, she said that because she likes being in charge changed me into a spineless dude.

 

I had my issues and problems before and that brought me to a therapist.

 

When I read your initial post, this^ was my very first thought.

Not saying her behaviour is cool or how she's handing this is acceptable, but your strong pursuit (flowers, love letters?) etc along with your lack of backbone, allowing her to call the shots, was suffocating her and killed her feelings. I'm sorry.

My first thought for this break is that she wants a chance to miss you, just as she said, I've been there myself! So it's a real thing.

Whether it works out with her or not, she sent you a strong message.

You chased too hard, and to quote her, you became a "spineless dude."

You so much as admitted it, posting you had prior issues that you brought with you into this.

This turned her off, killed her feelings or at the very least caused her to become uncertain. Not her fault, and again not uncommon.

So moving forward, I would heed her message whether with her, if she decides her life is better with you in it or without you in it, or with the next woman you get involved with.

Again, not suggesting the way she is handling this is cool, it's not!

But at least she was honest with you as to why she lost interest and uncertain now.

Who cares what she wants at this point? Decide what you want to not just tolerate in your life. Look for people to add into your life for love and friendship that enhance your life. Drop the ones who add in negativity, drama, and flighty behavior. Definitely drop the ones who enjoy "natural" drugs from South America.

What exactly are those? The usual suspects: cocaine, Opium products, Pot? Or some of the more obscure mushrooms and cactus?

Move on.