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Thread: My girlfriend wants a break to figure out feelings

  1. #21
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    This is a break-up, OP.

    Don't wait around for her. She's not the one for you.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by tomsons86
    Batya33 What was the outcome of the break?
    We got back together. Ironically - and so randomly -he saw me out with another guy - huge coincidence. The guy was 100% a platonic friend - and my boyfriend knew him -probably met him - and yes we had dated in the past but.... 100% platonic. This was about 2 weeks into the break so I broke NC to assure him of "just a friend" -and it was all ok! We did get back together. I missed him a great deal. We didn't see other people and we didn't contact each other. In hindsight - a month actually wasn't long enough for me to realize we were not right together. And we ended up back and forth a few times over the next 3 years I think. Never another "break" - just break ups and back together. Ridiculous and unfortunate.

    I did love him. Had no desire to cheat, was not triggered to doubt us because of another guy -nothing like that. But! I did have the "dream of someone else" -I did wonder what else and who else was out there. I just never acted on it - so in that way I was very loyal. In the way of not accepting my own feelings, doubts, trying to make things right when they weren't -was that disloyal? Not really -I mean I meant well -I wanted him, wanted us, would not accept we were just not a good match. I wish I'd been stronger and walked away a whole lot sooner. It wasn't fair to him, either. It took me about 4 months after the last break up for the lightbulb moment that we weren't right together and why that was. Two months later I started dating my future husband.

    So it is different from the OP - because it sounds like she wants to play the field during this "break" -that's not about finding out how you really feel it's about comparison shopping. And calling it spiritual. Ick.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by tomsons86
    Update:
    She came to my place yesterday evening without heads up, with pizza. Wanted to watch a movie and have sex...after 3 hours of talking this is what she said:

    She wants a proper break from tomorrow because she wanted to miss me more, she said that because she likes being in charge changed me into a spineless dude. I had my issues and problems before and that brought me to a therapist. She's 27 but said that she wants to not be a mature again and just use life a bit. Apparently she became mature really quickly and missed stuff. She claims i am a perfect guy for her but like in 3 maybe 4 years when she wants to settle. In her opinion i'm a fantastic guy and i'll be ok and maybe destiny will bring us together in the future.

    She wants no contact now to figure out her feelings, at the moment she said she feels 70% to break up :) And just before leaving my place she said she doesn't love me now but maybe the feelings will come back after a break from each other.

    What do you guys think?
    Though a very polite break up, a break up non-the-less.
    She wants to know if she can keep you on a shelf and take you down at her convenience.
    Do not demote yourself to that.
    Wish her well.
    Good Bye.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by tomsons86
    Update:
    She came to my place yesterday evening without heads up, with pizza. Wanted to watch a movie and have sex...after 3 hours of talking this is what she said:

    She wants a proper break from tomorrow because she wanted to miss me more, she said that because she likes being in charge changed me into a spineless dude.

    I had my issues and problems before and that brought me to a therapist.
    When I read your initial post, this^ was my very first thought.

    Not saying her behaviour is cool or how she's handing this is acceptable, but your strong pursuit (flowers, love letters?) etc along with your lack of backbone, allowing her to call the shots, was suffocating her and killed her feelings. I'm sorry.

    My first thought for this break is that she wants a chance to miss you, just as she said, I've been there myself! So it's a real thing.

    Whether it works out with her or not, she sent you a strong message.

    You chased too hard, and to quote her, you became a "spineless dude."

    You so much as admitted it, posting you had prior issues that you brought with you into this.

    This turned her off, killed her feelings or at the very least caused her to become uncertain. Not her fault, and again not uncommon.

    So moving forward, I would heed her message whether with her, if she decides her life is better with you in it or without you in it, or with the next woman you get involved with.

    Again, not suggesting the way she is handling this is cool, it's not!

    But at least she was honest with you as to why she lost interest and uncertain now.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 01-28-2019 at 04:13 PM.

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  6. #25
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    Who cares what she wants at this point? Decide what you want to not just tolerate in your life. Look for people to add into your life for love and friendship that enhance your life. Drop the ones who add in negativity, drama, and flighty behavior. Definitely drop the ones who enjoy "natural" drugs from South America.

    What exactly are those? The usual suspects: cocaine, Opium products, Pot? Or some of the more obscure mushrooms and cactus?

    Move on.

  7. #26
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    Jimthzz It was ayahuasca, cactus based psychodelic :)
    Last edited by tomsons86; 01-28-2019 at 06:39 PM.

  8. #27
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    I will see how the things go but at this moment i'm giving her the desired space and don't contact her at all. I think there's no point and to be fair i've got enough. I feel i got played and now i can't see any other option than to take care of myself. As far as i managed to get to know her, i think she might get in touch in a couple of days but i might be wrong. I need to sort out myself first and carry on with my issues. I reacted to everything that was happening and maybe it was to much based on what she needs and not myself in this equation :)

    I might have chased her too much at the beginning but limited it when i saw that her responds to that became emotionless. Recently she just changed her decisions too often and without any plan what made me think straight away but decided to react without panic. Now it's different, and to be fair, i'm fed up.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Not saying her behaviour is cool or how she's handing this is acceptable, but your strong pursuit (flowers, love letters?) etc along with your lack of backbone, allowing her to call the shots, was suffocating her and killed her feelings. I'm sorry.

    Thanks you for a reply. Through these 7 months i've sent probably around 5 letters, which were meant to bring smile to her face. I gave her flowers but only like once a month and mostly without a reason. I can't even count the times where i was calling the shots but she suddenly didn't want to do anything and there was an argument :) We both have issues and own problems but that doesn't mean we should take breaks from each other.

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