How to gauge attraction and reciprocate interest?

I've been searching for 6 months and not getting anywhere. Had a lot of dates from OLD but not liked any enough to want to see them again.

Online it's easy, you're interested you message, if you lose interest you stop messaging. IRL (my preference for meeting someone) I'm struggling. I think someone is showing interest and I like them enough to try and pursue it but then it falls flat. I don't know if I'm misinterpreting interest or what? My bestie says I'm unintentionally friend zoning people I'm interested in with my "pedestrian" responses. He made recommendations for me to use but I felt they were too cheesy or too suggestive. My other friend said that inviting someone I have interest in to a group event is friend zoning them.

Any pointers on how to gauge interest and reciprocate? If someone is interested in me or I'm interested in them how do you show it in an appropriate manner.

Some relevant points:

I've been told I'm hard to read often

I've been told I'm intimidating often

I'm reasonably attractive and don't try to punch above my weight

I expect rejection but also crave affection and I think this colours my perception of others intentions depending on whether I'm feeling optimistic or not.

I like to get to know someone I'm interested in to make sure I'm actually into them when I meet them IRL so that's why invite to a group event seems more fitting.

I'd like to be more forward and make it easier for someone to approach me, since in today's climate I think people (men especially) darent look at you in case you accuse them of harassment. At the same time I worry I'll come a cross as a creep or desperate or needy.

Replied with a few tips in your other thread about this topic: How to Cold Approach

Replied with a few tips in your other thread about this topic: How to Cold Approach

I have applied a lot of the suggestions when engaging in new activities which have been very useful to make a lot of social connections and friends but no romance 😔 I have tried numerous activity groups and had some success in finding a few with a dateable demographic, much easier than cold approach.

There have been definite improvements in my social life but I'm missing something. I'm not making that transition from acquaintance to date. On the rare occasion someone appears so obviously interested that I notice they quickly seem to lose interest but I'm not sure what I'm doing to put them off other than my friends suggestion I'm friend zoning.

I can only say how I show interest for purposes of dating:

I flirt (not overtly sexual - harmless and lighthearted)

Good and consistent eye contact

Good listening

Mirroring body language/being approachable with my body language

Wearing clothing that is feminine and flattering but not "come thither"

Responding with enthusiasm if he asks me out.

Keeping conversation interesting and flowing -asking good follow up questions that are not prying but show interest. I love talking about travel, books, current events (but not heavy politics), funny anecdotes, food/restaurants, etc. I tried to find out what he was interested in. On the first date I had with a long term boyfriend I knew he was into a particular college football team that had just played a big game so I read up on it. And told him so. He was very impressed.

Do not try to read into signals. If he doesn't ask you out for a date then he is not interested in dating you right then. That might change. Ask him out if you like and if he doesn't respond with enthusiasm he is not interested in dating you right then. All that matters is if he is interested in going on another date -not if he finds you cute/funny/smart/interesting -he might think all those things and yet not want to date you for whatever reason.

If you think you are being intimidating, work on that. I was told that one time, sort of on a first meet. I thought he was very attractive and thought we were having an interesting/engaging conversation and then he said "do you know you're very forward?" First and only time that has been said to me. Some men were intimidated just because of the facts about me -level of education/type of career -so I knew it was a nonstarter. You want people to feel comfortable in their own skin around you.

As far as hard to read -again -have approachable body language and good eye contact.

I can only say how I show interest for purposes of dating:

 

I flirt (not overtly sexual - harmless and lighthearted)

Good and consistent eye contact

Good listening

Mirroring body language/being approachable with my body language

Wearing clothing that is feminine and flattering but not "come thither"

Responding with enthusiasm if he asks me out.

Keeping conversation interesting and flowing -asking good follow up questions that are not prying but show interest. I love talking about travel, books, current events (but not heavy politics), funny anecdotes, food/restaurants, etc. I tried to find out what he was interested in. On the first date I had with a long term boyfriend I knew he was into a particular college football team that had just played a big game so I read up on it. And told him so. He was very impressed.

 

Do not try to read into signals. If he doesn't ask you out for a date then he is not interested in dating you right then. That might change. Ask him out if you like and if he doesn't respond with enthusiasm he is not interested in dating you right then. All that matters is if he is interested in going on another date -not if he finds you cute/funny/smart/interesting -he might think all those things and yet not want to date you for whatever reason.

 

If you think you are being intimidating, work on that. I was told that one time, sort of on a first meet. I thought he was very attractive and thought we were having an interesting/engaging conversation and then he said "do you know you're very forward?" First and only time that has been said to me. Some men were intimidated just because of the facts about me -level of education/type of career -so I knew it was a nonstarter. You want people to feel comfortable in their own skin around you.

 

As far as hard to read -again -have approachable body language and good eye contact.

Thanks, great list! I've got my work cut out as I suck at most of these, especially the responding with enthusiasm when I'm asked out (I think) as I typically don't realise until I think about it later.

Can you give some examples of flirting and approachable body language?

I have good banter and flirting with my friends but I think that's probably too suggestive for a potential date.

Ok. Basic question. Do you like meeting new people. Do you like hearing their stories and where they’ve been and what they do and what makes them tick? If so how much ? I love it all. I love hearing the stories and life experiences and the minutiae too. I meet new people all the time. I met my husband because I crossed a crowded conference room on His first day of work to greet him since I knew he didn’t know anyone. I was the first person to do that. We didn’t otherwise work together. I met one of my close friends 8 years ago at a crowded city park because she asked me about my stroller. As it turned out we’d actislkt dated the same guy, had kids months apart and were born a month apart ourselves. Point is those could have been one time interactions but I show enthusiasm and interest and expand beyond the initial reason for chatting if the person seems interesting. I am not sure from what you write and have wirtten that you actually like getting to know people. It’s ok if you don’t ! But then don’t expect clicking in a romantic way - that’s a high level form of clicking (not sexual I mean the whole package). Flirting - can’t reallg help you there. I’m just good at it naturally. I wouldn’t know how to teach someone.

Ok. Basic question. Do you like meeting new people. Do you like hearing their stories and where they’ve been and what they do and what makes them tick? If so how much ? I love it all. I love hearing the stories and life experiences and the minutiae too. I meet new people all the time. I met my husband because I crossed a crowded conference room on His first day of work to greet him since I knew he didn’t know anyone. I was the first person to do that. We didn’t otherwise work together. I met one of my close friends 8 years ago at a crowded city park because she asked me about my stroller. As it turned out we’d actislkt dated the same guy, had kids months apart and were born a month apart ourselves. Point is those could have been one time interactions but I show enthusiasm and interest and expand beyond the initial reason for chatting if the person seems interesting. I am not sure from what you write and have wirtten that you actually like getting to know people. It’s ok if you don’t ! But then don’t expect clicking in a romantic way - that’s a high level form of clicking (not sexual I mean the whole package). Flirting - can’t reallg help you there. I’m just good at it naturally. I wouldn’t know how to teach someone.

It ranges from love it to hate it on a sliding scale dependant on a number of factors such as state of my mental health, the level of positive engagement I'm getting back from the person I'm talking to and the amount of social energy I've expended in the week prior getting to know other new people.

Some people I find are a joy to get to know and some are harder work (potentially worth the effort) but I sometimes really have to work at it and then I feel bad because I feel like I'm not giving the person the engagement I ought to. It is very draining to be constantly meeting new people without having a close network as well. The difference for me is, socialising with close friends is regenerating and nourishing, socialising with new people can be thrilling but exhausting. I love people watching and I also love analysing what it is about a new person, whose company I'm enjoying, that engages me. Then I try and emulate that because I want others to feel good in my company and to know I value them. The best example I can think of is a new friend O is so easy to talk to and I always feel comfortable around her. She makes good eye contact and is very tactile so that reminds me that eye contact is important. I used to be very sociable and thrived off meeting new people so I will get there again.

I think when it comes to people I find attractive and want to date (as opposed to find attractive but I don't want to date for whatever reason) I get embarrassed and uncomfortable and worry they will reject me if I show any interest so I try and play it cool or sometimes I'm so uncomfortable I avoid them altogether. If they show interest in me I usually don't realise or don't know how to respond and I probably come across as disinterested or even that I might not like them in general. If I could even be as friendly and forward with someone I find attractive as I am with people I want to be friends with I might have some success. Last week I invited someone I was interested in to a group activity (out of my comfort zone to start with) and realised after I got home that he was the only one I didn't hug when parting ways. Looking back on it I think I should have at least given him the courtesy of an individual goodbye, having a bit of chit chat, saying thanks for coming, good to see you, hope you can make it to x event and hugging goodbye like I did with most of the others. FML. No wonder I'm single lol.

So next improvement for myself. Get over my fear of rejection and treat whoever I'm interested in with at least as much attention as people I want to be friends with. God I feel like such a nob right now. I must have come across as so rude or even as I disliked him! Ugh.

I feared rejection from people I wanted to make friends with until a few months ago and now I wouldn't think twice about asking someone I just met for their number and inviting them to an event or activity. I will message someone I've met once on a few different occasions to see if they're free for a meet before I'm discouraged and that is how I am making new friends. I need to apply that same logic to getting dates. Swallow my pride and show interest!

"I think when it comes to people I find attractive and want to date (as opposed to find attractive but I don't want to date for whatever reason) I get embarrassed and uncomfortable and worry they will reject me if I show any interest so I try and play it cool or sometimes I'm so uncomfortable I avoid them altogether. If they show interest in me I usually don't realise or don't know how to respond and I probably come across as disinterested or even that I might not like them in general."

To me it's kinda simple - your ambivalence and self-absorption comes across. You are self-absorbed about focusing on your fears, how you are coming across ,etc and even if you tell yourself "I want people to feel comfortable" a significant part of it are you choosing your fears over developing a friendship with someone. I don't like people when I have to get to work etc and they have no common sense on how to exit/enter a train car efficiently lol. That's not what I'm referring to. I'm fine around introverts- I married one- and I am fine helping people out of their shell, etc but I have my limits. There's a woman I run into regularly through our kids' activities and she describes herself as introverted (on FAcebook and in groups I've been in) and while it's ok the truth is after awhile a cold shoulder to my friendly "hi" just isn't going to cut it if I'm already tired/drained from the day. I don't mean she should chat with me -I mean just return a friendly "hey!" - sometimes it's ok and I cut her slack but sometimes not. I think that is part of what is going on with you and you seem to have a lot of insight -just don't beat yourself up, ok?

"I think when it comes to people I find attractive and want to date (as opposed to find attractive but I don't want to date for whatever reason) I get embarrassed and uncomfortable and worry they will reject me if I show any interest so I try and play it cool or sometimes I'm so uncomfortable I avoid them altogether. If they show interest in me I usually don't realise or don't know how to respond and I probably come across as disinterested or even that I might not like them in general."

 

To me it's kinda simple - your ambivalence and self-absorption comes across. You are self-absorbed about focusing on your fears, how you are coming across ,etc and even if you tell yourself "I want people to feel comfortable" a significant part of it are you choosing your fears over developing a friendship with someone. I don't like people when I have to get to work etc and they have no common sense on how to exit/enter a train car efficiently lol. That's not what I'm referring to. I'm fine around introverts- I married one- and I am fine helping people out of their shell, etc but I have my limits. There's a woman I run into regularly through our kids' activities and she describes herself as introverted (on FAcebook and in groups I've been in) and while it's ok the truth is after awhile a cold shoulder to my friendly "hi" just isn't going to cut it if I'm already tired/drained from the day. I don't mean she should chat with me -I mean just return a friendly "hey!" - sometimes it's ok and I cut her slack but sometimes not. I think that is part of what is going on with you and you seem to have a lot of insight -just don't beat yourself up, ok?

I can't relate to being an introvert. If I didn't find moderating myself and analysing the company I'm in so exhausting (plus having coursework to do) I would be out every night socialising.

I think sometimes I am very self absorbed and anxious but at those times I'm less social, when it comes to attraction I am so focused on trying to read if they are interested in me I probably come across as cold. I love when someone just says in black and white, I like you let's date as I don't have to do any social interpretation. That's very rare though. My therapist recommended I get assessed for ASD. When watching a video by women with autism it made a lot of sense why I don't get dating.

I have put so much effort into learning social interaction since I was a kid and to a degree I've been successful. I think if I can do the same with dating I will have some success with that too.

Your story about the woman on the train is what I fear. That I totally misinterpret someone's interaction and give a negative impression. I already have a reputation at work for being a byatch lol

I can't relate to being an introvert. If I didn't find moderating myself and analysing the company I'm in so exhausting (plus having coursework to do) I would be out every night socialising.

 

I think sometimes I am very self absorbed and anxious but at those times I'm less social, when it comes to attraction I am so focused on trying to read if they are interested in me I probably come across as cold. I love when someone just says in black and white, I like you let's date as I don't have to do any social interpretation. That's very rare though. My therapist recommended I get assessed for ASD. When watching a video by women with autism it made a lot of sense why I don't get dating.

 

I have put so much effort into learning social interaction since I was a kid and to a degree I've been successful. I think if I can do the same with dating I will have some success with that too.

 

Your story about the woman on the train is what I fear. That I totally misinterpret someone's interaction and give a negative impression. I already have a reputation at work for being a byatch lol

So you are not an introvert just drained with respect to socializing because of your job?

Friendship is the opposite of being self-absorbed/reacting in a self-absorbed way. You can be quiet with a good friend, just hang in comfortable silence of course! - but the desire should be to connect with the other person not stay within your own head to the extent you describe. Today I felt anxious about silly life situations - lots of balls in the air -and i needed to be present for my son. He is my friend as well as my son. I forced myself -and it was hard!! - to be present for him in a calm way even though I was anxious inside. And no I wasn't anxious about how he felt about me -but anxious is anxious and often is disconnecting. I told myself he didn't deserve my being stressed around him while getting ready for school especially since he didn't cause any of the situations! So I did it. Because he deserved it. I put him first. We often don't have to put others first to be a good friend -you can do both - prioritize both of you - but right now much of your time is spent focusing on yourself, your internal fears, monitoring everything so you are not present. And people can tell and it's not a comfy feeling.

So you are not an introvert just drained with respect to socializing because of your job?

 

Friendship is the opposite of being self-absorbed/reacting in a self-absorbed way. You can be quiet with a good friend, just hang in comfortable silence of course! - but the desire should be to connect with the other person not stay within your own head to the extent you describe. Today I felt anxious about silly life situations - lots of balls in the air -and i needed to be present for my son. He is my friend as well as my son. I forced myself -and it was hard!! - to be present for him in a calm way even though I was anxious inside. And no I wasn't anxious about how he felt about me -but anxious is anxious and often is disconnecting. I told myself he didn't deserve my being stressed around him while getting ready for school especially since he didn't cause any of the situations! So I did it. Because he deserved it. I put him first. We often don't have to put others first to be a good friend -you can do both - prioritize both of you - but right now much of your time is spent focusing on yourself, your internal fears, monitoring everything so you are not present. And people can tell and it's not a comfy feeling.

By company I mean social presence. I sometimes find socialising with new people exhausting because I have a full time job, part time studies, put a lot of energy at times into regulating my mental health am trying to make friends and date all at once, whilst simultaneously trying to wade through the quagmire that is figuring out what the hell is appropriate behaviour when dealing with others and how to figure out dating and attraction etiquette.

I totally agree, I have the luxury of being able to go full hermit mode when everything gets too much and all I want to do is cry, eat and sleep. I don't subject others to my self absorption when possible, I think it's rude and unfair. Sometimes though I'm in a situation where I am already with people and will get a sudden wave of anxiety and then I have to force myself to engage and be present like you did with your son. It is hard like you say but practice is helping and I remind myself that being mindful and present is good for my anxiety even if it's difficult.

I find that with my close friends I don't have to make the effort to engage, there is that natural comfort there that you described. I have two very good friends with whom I'm very connected and feel very rejuvenated in their presence but we don't get much time together as we all have busy lives. I would love to have more relationships like that and that's what I'm working towards. Moving around a lot means that I never really made strong friendships so I'm focusing as much energy on that as I can. A romantic relationship would be the cherry on top!

I felt that way about social interactions after I became a mom about ten years ago especially if I had my son with me. So I get it! It's all about priorities and how much you want to date. If I hadn't wanted marriage and a potential family I never would have put in the effort I put in to meeting people and dating -wayyyyy to much time, stress and work!

I felt that way about social interactions after I became a mom about ten years ago especially if I had my son with me. So I get it! It's all about priorities and how much you want to date. If I hadn't wanted marriage and a potential family I never would have put in the effort I put in to meeting people and dating -wayyyyy to much time, stress and work!

Yes it is hard work! At the moment I'm doing dating whenever I have the drive and energy to do it. I'm optimistic that as my social connections strengthen and my mental health improves I'll find more energy for regular dating. I think learning how to gauge interest and reciprocate will also massively reduce the stress of dating. Then when uni is over I will have some extra time too! I think it will be a steep learning curve for me and hopefully once I'm free of my studies I'll be more successful with getting dates in real life. One step at a time. I think I will focus on showing interest for now and work on the guaging interest later. Thanks for the chat. I feel a lot more optimistic now xx

Glad you feel optimistic and will venture out when you feel like it. I'm not hearing from you that you have a strong desire for marriage/family in a specific time range (meaning in the next 3 years or 5 years, etc) so you have the luxury of testing the waters as you feel like it.

Glad you feel optimistic and will venture out when you feel like it. I'm not hearing from you that you have a strong desire for marriage/family in a specific time range (meaning in the next 3 years or 5 years, etc) so you have the luxury of testing the waters as you feel like it.

Correct. I won't finish my studies until September 2020 so within 3 years is not very realistic. I know when studying is out of the way my focus will shift from juggling everything to monotasking dating. I just want to get it over and done with so I can live the life I want! I don't want biological children so the clock isn't ticking for me in that respect but I am aware that as time goes on the number of eligible people reduces.

I think I would rather never get married than rush myself down the aisle to the wrong person but I would like to get married, preferably with enough time to travel and enjoy married life together for a few years before having a family. Will see how that works out lol. Nothing has gone to plan in my life so far haaa

Correct. I won't finish my studies until September 2020 so within 3 years is not very realistic. I know when studying is out of the way my focus will shift from juggling everything to monotasking dating. I just want to get it over and done with so I can live the life I want! I don't want biological children so the clock isn't ticking for me in that respect but I am aware that as time goes on the number of eligible people reduces.

 

I think I would rather never get married than rush myself down the aisle to the wrong person but I would like to get married, preferably with enough time to travel and enjoy married life together for a few years before having a family. Will see how that works out lol. Nothing has gone to plan in my life so far haaa

Oh same here -I certainly took the long way around! I found for me that the best way to date was when I already had a busy,, fun and fulfilling life "monotasking" as you refer to it would have made me approach it in too intense a way.

Oh same here -I certainly took the long way around! I found for me that the best way to date was when I already had a busy,, fun and fulfilling life "monotasking" as you refer to it would have made me approach it in too intense a way.

Yes I hope to have a fulfilling life beforehand too. I think I will not be successful in dating if there is no other source of joy in my life. I decided to message the guy I was interested in to see if he wanted to meet up but he hasn't responded. I'm very upset. I know if I wasn't stressed with uni and had a stronger social circle I might have just brushed it off. I really need to work on being comfortable being vulnerable and expressing interest in people I want to date. This is no way to feel about dating 😔

Yes -thick skin is essential! Of course you need a fulfilling life before, during and after marriage or commitment - no brainer. It's ok if he ends up not being interested in dating you -just like you are not interested in dating everyone!