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Thread: Advice with distant girlfriend

  1. #1

    Advice with distant girlfriend

    Met my gf in June 2018. We were hot and heavy from the beginning. She has 2 small children from previous marriage that ended over a year before. I have no kids and no previous marriage. I'm 42 and she's 41. We never had any arguments or disagreements till about Christmas. Her ex-husband was an alcoholic and abuser. I am neither of those, but over the Xmas weekend, we were over at my place and I was drinking and becoming impatient with her kids (both under 6 yrs old). I was yelling at them for various behavioral issues - even my GF admits that they seem to "lose their minds" when they come to my house. Anyway, between my drinking and her kids misbehaving, she got triggered (because of her experience with ex husband) and had a big discussion about our relationship. We agreed to put the intamacy part of our relationship on hold, which basically means no sex, no cuddling, etc, until she addresses her intimacy issues. After the Xmas incident, she told me that she felt that she never properly mourned the end of her marriage. So now as it stands, kissing is the only "intimate" thing we do. And that's only when I'm leaving her place or she's leaving mine. And I think the issues on her end began even before Xmas, because we haven't had sex since October. I admit that between her job and the responsibilities with her kids, it was hard to find time for that kind of intimacy anyway. We've probably only had sex a dozen times or so since we met. She insists that she loves me, but every time I text her (since Xmas anyway) she only sends me one word responses. This concerns me. I think she's conflict avoidant. She only texts me when I text her to ask her something or whatever. I'm worried that her feelings toward me have changed, but that she's afrad to tell me? Her kids both love me (and I love them as well!), so maybe she just keeps me around for them??? Sorry if this comes off as more of a rant than a question, but I guess I'm asking; is there something I can do to help her along with her intimacy issues?

  2. #2
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    This isn't about her "intimacy issues."

    It's that she's not over her ex and you showed her you have poor boundaries when you drink. I would be furious if a man I have only dated a few months yelled at my hypothetical children. No matter how annoying the little ones were being, you stepped out of line.

    I'm sorry to say that it seems clear her feelings have changed, and now that the honeymoon is over, she is seeing that she doesn't want to continue dating. She hasn't yet pulled the plug completely but I think you should prepare for that. Her current behaviour towards you is not that of a woman who is all that into you anymore, man.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cardmaster
    Her ex-husband was an alcoholic and abuser. I am neither of those
    Are you sure?
    Originally Posted by Cardmaster
    I was drinking and becoming impatient with her kids (both under 6 yrs old). I was yelling at them for various behavioral issues

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    What are you doing yelling at the kids? Thatís a big no no.

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    Agree with others, I don't have kids but if I did and my bf yelled at them, attempted to discipline -- deal breaker. Immediately.

    No matter how unruly they were.

    Re the lack of sex (since October?,) she's not sexually attracted to you, the end.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I agree with the others, if those were my kids, you wouldn't have a chance to be near them again. You were way out of line and showed her that you've got no restraint or patience when it comes to children.

    She also told you she isn't over her marriage, she's being honest. And lastly, the sex was non existent the last few months.

    You didn't exactly give her anything great to come running back to.

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    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Drinking with kids over / lost patience when they are under 6 years old / expressed impatience by yelling at them.

    Granted, I am not this woman of whom you write. But I could have been, when post-divorce I was more chaotic. My perspective?

    Over. Forever. Massive personal reflection as to why I put my kids in that situation. All dating stopped until I can trust myself to have better judgment. Amidst all this reflection self-reprobation and growth, you are the least of my concerns.

    If this seems extreme, read about stages of brain, physical. and emotional development ages 0 to 5. Talk to anyone who grew up with an angry parent. No way am I bringing anger into my kids lives and if alcohol begets anger, then alcohol is banned. It is that toxic and that important.

  9. #8
    Thanks for all the feedback guys, but I think you're all way off base with the yelling at the kids issue. The first time I raised my voice to them, I asked my gf if I overstepped my boundries. She said no and added that they needed to see us both get upset like that, because if one authority figure (mom) displays anger and the other (boyfriend) does not, then the kids don't learn anything. There was more to that, but that's the short version.

    It only bothered her that one time when I was drinking and it brought back horrible memories of her abusive, alcoholic ex husband. She absolutely insists that her reaction had nothing to do with me, it was all about her and her unresolved feelings about the end of her marriage.

    But like some of you said, she seems to have lost interest in me even before Christmas. No sex since October, one word responses to all my texts... Yeah, the writing is on the wall. And this is the first weekend since we met where we haven't spent at least some time together. I'll have a talk with her and ask her where I stand with her. If I don't like the answer, I'll probably just end the relationship right there. I love her and her kids and I don't want to lose them, but im not afraid to move on without them either.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to say but she is too damaged to date and still has very poor judgement from years of abuse. This rationalization and philosophy in itself is bizarre and indicates this:
    Originally Posted by Cardmaster
    they needed to see us both get upset like that, because if one authority figure (mom) displays anger and the other (boyfriend) does not, then the kids don't learn anything.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Cardmaster
    they needed to see us both get upset like that, because if one authority figure (mom) displays anger and the other (boyfriend) does not, then the kids don't learn anything.
    That mentality is problematic, in and of itself. The fact that she is okay with and actually encouraged you to raise your voice with them and show your anger is concerning. Those poor kids. I personally think it was far too early for you to even be involved with the kids to the degree that you were participating in any sort of discipline, but it sounds like Mom has some questionable judgment herself.

    The kids probably "lose their minds" when they come to your house because it's all too much for them and they act out. Their dad is an abusive alcoholic, and now they've got another man in their lives who they don't know well but they're carted to his house. Did neither you nor Mom foresee the problems they might have adjusting to this new figure (you) in their lives, or how chaotic it might be for them to deal with Dad being around less but you being around more? You said they're both under 6, so they're quite young. They've undergone some big changes to their own family dynamic and it sounds as though it's happened much more quickly than they know what to do with. Behavioural issues are thus not too surprising, given the circumstances these children have been dealt. Yelling at them, especially as it sounds like this was not the first time, is not the way to go about addressing it. Probably a moot point now, but something to think about if you meet another woman with kids in the future.

    Which brings me to the next point: if she hasn't had sex with you in months, and has told you she needed more time to mourn her marriage, it's safe to say she just isn't ready for a relationship. She hasn't had the courage to actually break up with you yet, but it's coming. The incident in which you drank and yelled at the little ones was simply the moment she chose to make her indirect exit.

    How long has she been divorced, by the way?

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