Advice with distant girlfriend

Met my gf in June 2018. We were hot and heavy from the beginning. She has 2 small children from previous marriage that ended over a year before. I have no kids and no previous marriage. I'm 42 and she's 41. We never had any arguments or disagreements till about Christmas. Her ex-husband was an alcoholic and abuser. I am neither of those, but over the Xmas weekend, we were over at my place and I was drinking and becoming impatient with her kids (both under 6 yrs old). I was yelling at them for various behavioral issues - even my GF admits that they seem to "lose their minds" when they come to my house. Anyway, between my drinking and her kids misbehaving, she got triggered (because of her experience with ex husband) and had a big discussion about our relationship. We agreed to put the intamacy part of our relationship on hold, which basically means no sex, no cuddling, etc, until she addresses her intimacy issues. After the Xmas incident, she told me that she felt that she never properly mourned the end of her marriage. So now as it stands, kissing is the only "intimate" thing we do. And that's only when I'm leaving her place or she's leaving mine. And I think the issues on her end began even before Xmas, because we haven't had sex since October. I admit that between her job and the responsibilities with her kids, it was hard to find time for that kind of intimacy anyway. We've probably only had sex a dozen times or so since we met. She insists that she loves me, but every time I text her (since Xmas anyway) she only sends me one word responses. This concerns me. I think she's conflict avoidant. She only texts me when I text her to ask her something or whatever. I'm worried that her feelings toward me have changed, but that she's afrad to tell me? Her kids both love me (and I love them as well!), so maybe she just keeps me around for them??? Sorry if this comes off as more of a rant than a question, but I guess I'm asking; is there something I can do to help her along with her intimacy issues?

This isn't about her "intimacy issues."

It's that she's not over her ex and you showed her you have poor boundaries when you drink. I would be furious if a man I have only dated a few months yelled at my hypothetical children. No matter how annoying the little ones were being, you stepped out of line.

I'm sorry to say that it seems clear her feelings have changed, and now that the honeymoon is over, she is seeing that she doesn't want to continue dating. She hasn't yet pulled the plug completely but I think you should prepare for that. Her current behaviour towards you is not that of a woman who is all that into you anymore, man.

Her ex-husband was an alcoholic and abuser. I am neither of those

I was drinking and becoming impatient with her kids (both under 6 yrs old). I was yelling at them for various behavioral issues

What are you doing yelling at the kids? That’s a big no no.

Agree with others, I don't have kids but if I did and my bf yelled at them, attempted to discipline -- deal breaker. Immediately.

No matter how unruly they were.

Re the lack of sex (since October?,) she's not sexually attracted to you, the end.

I agree with the others, if those were my kids, you wouldn't have a chance to be near them again. You were way out of line and showed her that you've got no restraint or patience when it comes to children.

She also told you she isn't over her marriage, she's being honest. And lastly, the sex was non existent the last few months.

You didn't exactly give her anything great to come running back to.

Drinking with kids over / lost patience when they are under 6 years old / expressed impatience by yelling at them.

Granted, I am not this woman of whom you write. But I could have been, when post-divorce I was more chaotic. My perspective?

Over. Forever. Massive personal reflection as to why I put my kids in that situation. All dating stopped until I can trust myself to have better judgment. Amidst all this reflection self-reprobation and growth, you are the least of my concerns.

If this seems extreme, read about stages of brain, physical. and emotional development ages 0 to 5. Talk to anyone who grew up with an angry parent. No way am I bringing anger into my kids lives and if alcohol begets anger, then alcohol is banned. It is that toxic and that important.

Thanks for all the feedback guys, but I think you're all way off base with the yelling at the kids issue. The first time I raised my voice to them, I asked my gf if I overstepped my boundries. She said no and added that they needed to see us both get upset like that, because if one authority figure (mom) displays anger and the other (boyfriend) does not, then the kids don't learn anything. There was more to that, but that's the short version.

It only bothered her that one time when I was drinking and it brought back horrible memories of her abusive, alcoholic ex husband. She absolutely insists that her reaction had nothing to do with me, it was all about her and her unresolved feelings about the end of her marriage.

But like some of you said, she seems to have lost interest in me even before Christmas. No sex since October, one word responses to all my texts... Yeah, the writing is on the wall. And this is the first weekend since we met where we haven't spent at least some time together. I'll have a talk with her and ask her where I stand with her. If I don't like the answer, I'll probably just end the relationship right there. I love her and her kids and I don't want to lose them, but im not afraid to move on without them either.

Sorry to say but she is too damaged to date and still has very poor judgement from years of abuse. This rationalization and philosophy in itself is bizarre and indicates this:

they needed to see us both get upset like that, because if one authority figure (mom) displays anger and the other (boyfriend) does not, then the kids don't learn anything.

they needed to see us both get upset like that, because if one authority figure (mom) displays anger and the other (boyfriend) does not, then the kids don't learn anything.

That mentality is problematic, in and of itself. The fact that she is okay with and actually encouraged you to raise your voice with them and show your anger is concerning. Those poor kids. I personally think it was far too early for you to even be involved with the kids to the degree that you were participating in any sort of discipline, but it sounds like Mom has some questionable judgment herself.

The kids probably "lose their minds" when they come to your house because it's all too much for them and they act out. Their dad is an abusive alcoholic, and now they've got another man in their lives who they don't know well but they're carted to his house. Did neither you nor Mom foresee the problems they might have adjusting to this new figure (you) in their lives, or how chaotic it might be for them to deal with Dad being around less but you being around more? You said they're both under 6, so they're quite young. They've undergone some big changes to their own family dynamic and it sounds as though it's happened much more quickly than they know what to do with. Behavioural issues are thus not too surprising, given the circumstances these children have been dealt. Yelling at them, especially as it sounds like this was not the first time, is not the way to go about addressing it. Probably a moot point now, but something to think about if you meet another woman with kids in the future.

Which brings me to the next point: if she hasn't had sex with you in months, and has told you she needed more time to mourn her marriage, it's safe to say she just isn't ready for a relationship. She hasn't had the courage to actually break up with you yet, but it's coming. The incident in which you drank and yelled at the little ones was simply the moment she chose to make her indirect exit.

How long has she been divorced, by the way?

Why is everyone still hung up on this? The yelling at the kids is NOT the issue. Not directly anyway. Are you guys under the impression that all I do is raise my voice to them? I've only done this a handful of times, and usually I only do it to prevent them from breaking my windows or cause other similar damage to my things. Oh, and I only raise my voice AFTER I try to patiently explain (multiple times) why they can't behave this way. On what planet is that unreasonable???

She's been divorced for a year or so. Separated for a year and a half. The guy left and they haven't seen or heard from him since. The 6 year old has memories of his dad, but her younger daughter doesn't.

And if you guys want to continue this BS about how my yelling at the kids is the real issue, then let me add that any wrong doing or inappropriate behavior on my part is heavily outweighed by all the times I helped her son by playing with Legos, fixing his bed, playing card games, board games and videogames with him, putting his new bicycle together... And how Everytime I walk into her place, her daughter screams my name, runs up to me and gives me a hug. What a monster I must be! Have there been times where I should have shown more patience with them? Probably. For the sake of argument, let's say yes. But all the good things I've done for them and with them, outweighs that by at least 1000 to 1.

That being said, as much as I love my GF and her kids, I think I'm more likely to end the relationship before she does. I think I'm going to detach for a few days, not contact her at all. Maybe a few days without me communicating with her will help her realize her love for me. I know, it's a longshot. If she contacts me unpromted, then maybe something is still there, depending on what she has to say of course.. I'm not a fan of this tactic, but I feel that it's the only card I have left to play to save the relationship.