Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 14

Thread: Needs space...

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    14

    Needs space...

    Hello,

    My fiance and I live 2 hours apart, as he is staying with some friends in order to find a job and save money on rent. We want to get married, but he has to get a car, have money for the wedding, etc. He wasn't making enough money in the town I live after having to pay rent and stuff so he figured he'd save more money living somewhere else. Long distance has been hard only because I miss him so much but we've been talking on the phone almost everyday and Facetiming, Snapping each other, and we always manage to have so much to talk about no matter how soon it was since the last time we talked. Because it's winter, however, and there aren't many jobs out in the country he is thinking of coming back and finding a job so that he is at least making some money. Monday night was the last time I talked to him on the phone and I talked to him briefly on Tuesday when he said he was feeling moody and he clearly didn't want to talk. I talked to him just today and he said he needs some space and I've been really worried this week because he has the tendency to overthink things and lose hope in us and his future goals. I wish I was there with him so I could keep motivating him but sadly I can't. I hope this space doesn't mean he is losing hope in us and wants to break up. When we talked he said we're still good but that he does need space. I know he is going to New York next week and will meet with his spiritual advisor whom he will talk to and will hopefully let him come back to the city. He wanted originally to come back and couple months ago but his advisor told him it would be better to stay there so he did. But he is currently very restless not having a job and it not working out. Hopefully this trip will be good for him to see his friends and and his advisor and I'm praying very hard his advisor lets him come back. I know he struggles with not being in a good place financially, as he really wants to be back in school studying and preparing for the career he wants and that he wants to get married and move to our ideal place and build our home and family. But I know he gets into moods sometimes where he feels life is moving too slowly for him and he is hopeless that things will work out and feels the need to withdraw from me because he thinks he needs to be on his own. He explained once that being alone for so long has taught him to be independent and that he's comfortable alone. When he's not in one of his moods or overthinking, he's the most wonderful person in the world to me. There is no sign I've ever received that he's not happy with me anytime else. He's kind and considerate and he likes to talk about the kinds of things he wants in our house and he always listens to me when I need to rant and he takes good care of me and always pushes me to do better.
    I just want some outside perspectives on whether this seems like an "I'm planning to break up" kind of space versus just needing to fous on getting things done or something.
    Thank you if you read through this whole novel.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    10,363
    Why does his "spiritual advisor" get to tell him where to live? Why would he need permission from this "spiritual advisor" to move somewhere?

    What would happen if you two got married and he decided he "needs space"?

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    14
    I know that his advisor is someone who he's known almost forever and is someone he really trusts and looks up to and therefore really trusts his advice and trusts that his advisor knows him well enough to know what's best for him.

    I've often thought about what space would mean if we were living together, to be honest. He claims that if I lived with him he wouldn't be moody and he would be happy all the time so maybe he wouldn't? I'm not sure, but I know that he feels better when we talk. Once he was feeling really depressed and we got on the phone and I made him laugh within a few minutes and then he was happy. He's a very family oriented person and if we were together it would mean he has his life together and we can have kids which he also really wants. His sources of depression and such come from the fact that he wants to be farther ahead in life (having a family, house, kids, etc).

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    7,639
    Originally Posted by boltnrun

    What would happen if you two got married and he decided he "needs space"?
    My dad was like this.

    I remember my mom telling us to leave dad alone, he needs peace and quiet, working too hard whatever.

    Sometimes lasted for days.

    Later when I grew up and my dad and I became really close, he told me he just needed his time alone, didn't mean he loved us any less.

    He was a great dad, may he rip.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    7,639
    Originally Posted by shortsunflwr

    I've often thought about what space would mean if we were living together, to be honest. He claims that if I lived with him he wouldn't be moody and he would be happy all the time so maybe he wouldn't?
    He doesn't sound very self aware.

    No one is happy "all the time," never has moods, whether living with their partner or not, come on.

    And there is nothing wrong with that necessarily, goodness knows I had/have my moods and I am in a very happy RL.

    Same for my bf.

    Some people need more space than others, if you can't accept that he needs more, perhaps you need to start rethinking this relationship?

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    14
    I agree that sometimes people need space! I pray that your dad rests in peace. <3
    It doesn't bother me to give him space, I'm totally okay with it. I know that space is how some people need to deal with tough situations, even though I tend to rely on friends and family. Maybe a gender difference?
    I was just worried because everything I've read online says that space is another way to break up with someone even though I don't agree with that. And sometimes in the past when he's needed space and gotten into moods it's meant he was the one rethinking our relationship because he thought he had to be alone when he was in a difficult place.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    7,895
    Originally Posted by shortsunflwr
    he has the tendency to overthink things and lose hope in us and his future goals. I wish I was there with him so I could keep motivating him but sadly I can't. I hope this space doesn't mean he is losing hope in us and wants to break up.
    I take it that he has considered breaking up before?

    Why does he allow this spiritual adviser to dictate where he lives, and are you sure that's not simply an excuse because he doesn't want to come back?

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    14
    Yeah we've had a couple rough patches in the past.
    And no, he's not just using it as an excuse. He's honest and truly cares about me, but at the same time needs to be in a good situation to make money.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    3,043
    Gender
    Female
    How old are you two? How long have you been dating? Do you make most of the effort in communicating? If that's the case, what would happen if you pulled back on that, and see if he makes an equal effort? Would he do so, or would he let the communication fade away? Have you made him the sole center of your universe, or do you have a good career, girlfriends you spend time with, and hobbies/interests you do without him?

    What does "space" mean for him? What's his past relationships history and work history? I feel it would be helpful to know all of this info to get a better outsider's view on things.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    14
    I'm 19, he's 25 and we've officially been together since spring of last year though we met the summer of 2017 and were just friends/hooking up then. He usually texts me first, he's always the one to text me first in the day and want to talk all day, asks to call me, etc. I do think I have some probems focusing too much on him, and I guess herein lies my problem. I'm in school and I work part time, I have friends and hobbies and stuff but even I feel as though I sometimes don't know how to balance my relationship and have my own things going on as well. I feel like I have to just get better at realizing that if he's not up to talking for a few days and needs to focus on his life that it doesn't mean he doesn't like me or want to be with me. He's been in several past relationships and has had his heart broken and because of that he has some baggage/trust issues, and he has mostly worked at restaurants as a chef, etc.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •