Needs space...

Hello,

My fiance and I live 2 hours apart, as he is staying with some friends in order to find a job and save money on rent. We want to get married, but he has to get a car, have money for the wedding, etc. He wasn't making enough money in the town I live after having to pay rent and stuff so he figured he'd save more money living somewhere else. Long distance has been hard only because I miss him so much but we've been talking on the phone almost everyday and Facetiming, Snapping each other, and we always manage to have so much to talk about no matter how soon it was since the last time we talked. Because it's winter, however, and there aren't many jobs out in the country he is thinking of coming back and finding a job so that he is at least making some money. Monday night was the last time I talked to him on the phone and I talked to him briefly on Tuesday when he said he was feeling moody and he clearly didn't want to talk. I talked to him just today and he said he needs some space and I've been really worried this week because he has the tendency to overthink things and lose hope in us and his future goals. I wish I was there with him so I could keep motivating him but sadly I can't. I hope this space doesn't mean he is losing hope in us and wants to break up. When we talked he said we're still good but that he does need space. I know he is going to New York next week and will meet with his spiritual advisor whom he will talk to and will hopefully let him come back to the city. He wanted originally to come back and couple months ago but his advisor told him it would be better to stay there so he did. But he is currently very restless not having a job and it not working out. Hopefully this trip will be good for him to see his friends and and his advisor and I'm praying very hard his advisor lets him come back. I know he struggles with not being in a good place financially, as he really wants to be back in school studying and preparing for the career he wants and that he wants to get married and move to our ideal place and build our home and family. But I know he gets into moods sometimes where he feels life is moving too slowly for him and he is hopeless that things will work out and feels the need to withdraw from me because he thinks he needs to be on his own. He explained once that being alone for so long has taught him to be independent and that he's comfortable alone. When he's not in one of his moods or overthinking, he's the most wonderful person in the world to me. There is no sign I've ever received that he's not happy with me anytime else. He's kind and considerate and he likes to talk about the kinds of things he wants in our house and he always listens to me when I need to rant and he takes good care of me and always pushes me to do better.

I just want some outside perspectives on whether this seems like an "I'm planning to break up" kind of space versus just needing to fous on getting things done or something.

Thank you if you read through this whole novel.

Why does his "spiritual advisor" get to tell him where to live? Why would he need permission from this "spiritual advisor" to move somewhere?

What would happen if you two got married and he decided he "needs space"?

I know that his advisor is someone who he's known almost forever and is someone he really trusts and looks up to and therefore really trusts his advice and trusts that his advisor knows him well enough to know what's best for him.

I've often thought about what space would mean if we were living together, to be honest. He claims that if I lived with him he wouldn't be moody and he would be happy all the time so maybe he wouldn't? I'm not sure, but I know that he feels better when we talk. Once he was feeling really depressed and we got on the phone and I made him laugh within a few minutes and then he was happy. He's a very family oriented person and if we were together it would mean he has his life together and we can have kids which he also really wants. His sources of depression and such come from the fact that he wants to be farther ahead in life (having a family, house, kids, etc).

 

What would happen if you two got married and he decided he "needs space"?

My dad was like this.

I remember my mom telling us to leave dad alone, he needs peace and quiet, working too hard whatever.

Sometimes lasted for days.

Later when I grew up and my dad and I became really close, he told me he just needed his time alone, didn't mean he loved us any less.

He was a great dad, may he rip.

 

I've often thought about what space would mean if we were living together, to be honest. He claims that if I lived with him he wouldn't be moody and he would be happy all the time so maybe he wouldn't?

 

He doesn't sound very self aware.

No one is happy "all the time," never has moods, whether living with their partner or not, come on.

And there is nothing wrong with that necessarily, goodness knows I had/have my moods and I am in a very happy RL.

Same for my bf.

Some people need more space than others, if you can't accept that he needs more, perhaps you need to start rethinking this relationship?

I agree that sometimes people need space! I pray that your dad rests in peace.

It doesn't bother me to give him space, I'm totally okay with it. I know that space is how some people need to deal with tough situations, even though I tend to rely on friends and family. Maybe a gender difference?

I was just worried because everything I've read online says that space is another way to break up with someone even though I don't agree with that. And sometimes in the past when he's needed space and gotten into moods it's meant he was the one rethinking our relationship because he thought he had to be alone when he was in a difficult place.

he has the tendency to overthink things and lose hope in us and his future goals. I wish I was there with him so I could keep motivating him but sadly I can't. I hope this space doesn't mean he is losing hope in us and wants to break up.

I take it that he has considered breaking up before?

Why does he allow this spiritual adviser to dictate where he lives, and are you sure that's not simply an excuse because he doesn't want to come back?

Yeah we've had a couple rough patches in the past.

And no, he's not just using it as an excuse. He's honest and truly cares about me, but at the same time needs to be in a good situation to make money.

How old are you two? How long have you been dating? Do you make most of the effort in communicating? If that's the case, what would happen if you pulled back on that, and see if he makes an equal effort? Would he do so, or would he let the communication fade away? Have you made him the sole center of your universe, or do you have a good career, girlfriends you spend time with, and hobbies/interests you do without him?

What does "space" mean for him? What's his past relationships history and work history? I feel it would be helpful to know all of this info to get a better outsider's view on things.

I'm 19, he's 25 and we've officially been together since spring of last year though we met the summer of 2017 and were just friends/hooking up then. He usually texts me first, he's always the one to text me first in the day and want to talk all day, asks to call me, etc. I do think I have some probems focusing too much on him, and I guess herein lies my problem. I'm in school and I work part time, I have friends and hobbies and stuff but even I feel as though I sometimes don't know how to balance my relationship and have my own things going on as well. I feel like I have to just get better at realizing that if he's not up to talking for a few days and needs to focus on his life that it doesn't mean he doesn't like me or want to be with me. He's been in several past relationships and has had his heart broken and because of that he has some baggage/trust issues, and he has mostly worked at restaurants as a chef, etc.

Again, why is he letting a "spiritual adviser" make his life decisions for him?

I know you are very young and probably don't have experience with men like this, who blow hot and cold and don't know what they want, but please listen to those of us who have been around that block: don't get any more attached to the idea of this being your forever relationship.

"He explained once that being alone for so long has taught him to be independent and that he's comfortable alone."

This is a red flag. And the fact he was willing to move two hours away from you when there doesn't even seem to be any work in that new place, doesn't sound very promising. A 25 year old who hasn't even been able to afford a car? I'd be questioning what kind of life partner he's going to be when he doesn't seem to have his #$%^ together by now, and can't even find viable work?

Your brain won't be mature until you're 25, basically in the decision making area of your prefrontal lobe. That's probably why there's a 75 percent failure rate for people who marry before age 25. Start thinking about if you're more frustrated and upset than satisfied in your relationship, because your needs matter, and you should be dating to find someone who meets all of your main needs. Many women put up with too much BS sometimes because they think if they love a guy, they need to stick it out.

You haven't had the life experience yet to date a lot and figure out who is compatible with you and who isn't. Be careful about tying yourself down to someone who might not share the same goals as you. Figure out if the space he needs from you is due to you expecting too much and you're suffocating him, or it's unreasonable and solely because he's not ready to be in a serious relationship.

Sorry this is happening. Have your own place/ live with your parents? Where was he living and working before? Why can't he be a cook in a restaurant again? Did he drop out of school? What does he want to go to school?

Unfortunately it sounds like there is way too much pressure talking about weddings, marriage, dream house, kids etc. He is homeless unemployed and doesn't even have a car. It doesn't sound like you are engaged.

It's hard to believe he would be having those conversations. Who is this spiritual adviser? Is he in a cult? Why can't he decide where he wants to be and what he wants to do? Why does he have to get permission from this spiritual adviser?

All you can do is give him space and stop all the high pressure wedding, marriage, dream home, talk.

My fiance and I live 2 hours apart, as he is staying with some friends in order to find a job and save money on rent.

 

We want to get married, but he has to get a car, have money for the wedding, etc.

 

I talked to him just today and he said he needs some space

 

He wanted originally to come back and couple months ago but his advisor told him it would be better to stay there so he did.

 

I'm praying very hard his advisor lets him come back.

 

he really wants to be back in school studying and preparing for the career he wants

Agree with Wise.

I just posted this in another thread but it's possible your behavior is causing the very thing you fear happening - him needing space and possibly ending things.

Dial back all the future talk, Wise is right, way too much pressure on a guy with no job, no car, no money, yikes!

Leave him be for now. If/when he wants to resume things, chill and like Wise advised back off on the wedding, marriage, dream home etc.

It's just too much given his circumstances.