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My boyfriend feels guilty about breakup with ex


B7276

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Well, he feels guilty about how he broke up with her and that it hurt her feelings. Apologies in advance for the long post, but some background:

 

He has been with his ex for 4 years, and for most of that time, based on what he and his friends tell me, she manipulated and scarred him mentally, would always put him down when he was enthusiastic about something in his life that did not involve her. She would cut herself and sometimes use that as leverage to get him to do what she wanted. When he finally broke up with her, he did so directly, stone faced, with very little eye contact as she begged for another chance. He says this is what haunts him the most.

 

Then he met me after about 2 months after the breakup. Since then we have had nothing but good times. We are very much compatible, we have spent every weekend together despite mild location distance between us, and we text each other every day, and he has had my by his side at every event even intimate family gatherings. His friends absolutely love me and say that we belong together (it seems most of his friends and family did not like her) He is very open about his past relationship, and I see the bitterness and emotional scars show when he talks about her. I even asked if he can recall any good times with her, and he seemingly can't think of too many.

 

It's been about 5 months and up until recently, he was apprehensive about using the term "girlfriend" in front of certain people. I understood that he didnt want to rush into things. But he surprised me earlier this year and made it official to all of his friends and family. We even shared a kiss in front of everyone during a family party!

 

He says that he feels that I am the one, and his friends and family seems to agree that I am an upgrade from his last. He tells me that he loves me and loves who he is when he is around me. and that he can see his brightest future with me.

 

Recently he has brought it to my attention that he wanted to have a sit down with his ex to clear the air because he feels that he is responsible for breaking her heart. I told him that she broke his first, and we are all responsible for our own happiness. But he feels guilty for pursuing his own happiness. He reassures me that there is no romantic feelings left, only the guilt.

 

I am not sure exactly how he will handle the situation, and part of me feels that he is setting it up to allow her to yell at him or something to hopefully make her feel better.

 

He tells me he is writing down and revising what he is going to say to her, and he even has some of her stuff to give back to her. I told him that he should talk to her, and I am hoping that after this he can fully move forward past all of this, and hopefully break free of this emotional grip his ex has on him.

 

My concern: I am NOT worried about him, i am worried about his ex and her manipulative actions. I don't want her to start manipulating his feelings, or even threatening to cut herself as a way of getting him back. I know that he wont go back, but I am worried that her manipulation will shut him down and effect our relationship.

 

Or I could be speculating too much. There could be a chance that she is getting better emotionally and the meet up is a good thing. To help the healing process.

 

I am going to try to give him my trust, and hope that he knows what he is doing. I just needed to write down my thoughts somewhere, and I figured this forum might be a good start :)

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I think you're doing the right thing in supporting him.

 

He still has unresolved feelings of guilt over the break up and needs closure. I can't see him having any feelings for her, I think he's being honest with you and telling you the truth.

It really is just about ending things properly without feeling guilt.

 

I hope he finds that and that she doesn't start her antics. Although if anything, it will prove to him even more than he did the right thing in getting away from her.

 

When is he planning on seeing her? Couldn't he just message her? I'm not exactly sure why it needs to be in person.

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I realize you didn't explicitly ask for our input, but since you posted, I am guessing you do want to hear our thoughts. So here goes.

 

I don't see why he needs to have this conversation with her now, especially in person. I get that he feels bad for hurting her, but having a "sit down" with her is not the way to go about dealing with guilt. Not when he is in another relationship now. It sure wouldn't sit well with me, anyway. I expect my partners to exercise better judgment and stronger boundaries in situations like this.

 

Personally, I think he is about to open a can of worms. She thus isn't the only one you need be to worried about. She can't manipulate her way back into his life if he doesn't clear the way for her to do that, and that's what he is about to do with this misguided plan. He could avoid that risk by letting the past stay in the past, but he's about to bring his past into his present. I would be very uneasy about this whole idea, primarily because he is the one initiating it. That is not good.

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The reason why I can understand is, I've been in this position.

 

Even though my ex was manipulative and emotionally/verbally abusive, I felt guilt when I ended it and knew it hit them hard.

 

At the time I didn't care, (he deserved it) but after a long time, I moved on and felt guilty. Is it reasonable? Maybe not. But if your boyfriend has a conscience like mine, then it's a good thing, not a bad thing.

 

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he is missing her (although you know him better than us).

I see it more like, he is finally happy, he found love and now he wants to have complete closure without feeling like he was cold and harsh about things. (at least that's how I take it, as I have been there).

 

If it clears his mind and he is able to let go and be guilt free, so be it.

 

But yeah, I don't understand the part either why it needs to be in person. I sent a message, that in my opinion is more than she deserves and is good enough.

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Thank you for the response :) he said sometime this week, he is still organizing his thoughts and speech on paper. I'm not entirely sure on why it needs to be in person, but I feel that I should express my concerns to him. Writing on this forum helped me to organize my thought :)

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He is not over her. You are a rebound. Sorry.

 

You guys got involved too soon. He should have had at least 6 months to process the break up. Perhaps more, since it was abusive.

 

You are not his therapist and he should not be talking about this with you. I strongly suggest you end this.

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You ARE worried about him, although you say you are only worried about her actions.

 

I think you're worried that she will get emotional and he will react to her. And perhaps feel guilty enough to get back together with her.

 

Honestly, do these fears live secretly in the back of your mind? You don't have to tell us the truth as long as you are honest with yourself.

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He broke up with with her face to face ....what the hell is there left to say and why does he want to say it !

 

We don't know the exes side , maybe this will benefit her !!! or maybe he is actually been cruel opening this all up ....

 

She can't have been so bad if he wants to meet up with her and rake over it !

 

I also think deep down you are worried ..you mentioned more then once how his friends and family like you etc etc ...just seems you are trying to convince yourself in trying to convince us .

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Just want to add .........

 

Guilt is a terrible emotion , it can rot your soul and often people ease their guilt by pouring things out that the other person doesn't want/need to hear .

 

If I were talking to your boyfriend I would say ...is this just to relieve your guilt and happily skip on with life with your new g/friend ? Be careful not to just do a whole load of dumping on someone who clearly has a few issues ( the cutting ) just so you can be guilt free .

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I agree with Pippy.

 

I don't see any reason for him to see her face to face to apologize. He is writing his thoughts down so I think it would keep the door closed if he simply sent her her belongings in the mail along with a note wishing her the best in her future.

 

Like Pippy said, he may be opening up a whole can of worms (and hurt) on her because zero contact is how someone gets over another so it would be quite selfish of him to want to "cleanse" his guilt by laying it on her.

 

I hope he is mature enough to leave her alone. He broke up with her face to face because she was a unhealthy thorn in his side. He has ZERO reason to feel guilty.

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If the break up was so awful, talking to her in person (to sooth her?) while being in a new relationship will put salt in a open wound if she hasn't fully healed and moved on from it. Only time apart from her will heal both and especially heal him from the emotional abuse he went through with her. I see zero reason to talk to her in person about all this and revive this all over again. I'd see more use in talking to a therapist.

 

Also, if he feels so guilty and so distraugted about the end of his past relationship, maybe it's too soon for him to be in a new relationship. He might have good intentions and feel truly guilty and I get that, but I don't think this is the way of solving these issues.

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He's not ready to date. Your relationship is about them, not you and him. Stop trying to heal or fix him. He's trying to get back with her.

 

Then he met me after about 2 months after the breakup. he wanted to have a sit down with his ex to clear the air because he feels that he is responsible for breaking her heart.

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I tend to agree. If Op's b/f is feeling responsible for breaking her heart then he needs therapy to help him understand that he broke up with her because she was an abusive and manipulative witch and that she doesn't deserve to have him in her life. He should also understand that he's not that important and she will, with his continued zero contact certainly get over him to go on and find yet another guy to victimize and manipulate.

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If his ex is not contacting him and everything is quiet and in the past, why must he open this can of worms. I do not agree with him even going to see her. Maybe the girl is getting over this and to open this wound will start drama he doesnt need and also your relationship doesnt need. I would def advise him not to do this.

 

But all in all I think hes not ready for a new relationship until he releases the past and heals. It doesnt mean he should meet with her. It means he should heal on his own.

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Im gonna get on my trusty soap box here for a second and say, Ladies, we have got to do better...There are too many men out here.

 

Like wiseman said your relationship isnt even about the both of you. Think about it, do you think its normal to know this much about an ex? The comparisons? That would scare the crap out of me!

 

It may be an ego boost but its not a healthy one, youre being used as a crutch right now. You two have a foundation that is his 'moving on' from his ex, there is no shakier ground to be on...

 

Even if he truly didnt want her back, you are guaranteed to pay for her sins, he didnt heal, how could he, he met you 4 weeks later.

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Think about it, do you think its normal to know this much about an ex? The comparisons? That would scare the crap out of me!

 

I agree with you ...the validation the op kept giving herself in the opening thread was jumping out at me ...there should be no need to keep saying about friends and family not liking the ex but liking her and all the comparisons as you say .

 

It is like making a pro - con list of the ex and herself ...it shouldn't be this way .

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My ex's family loved me and could not stand the woman he dumped me for. They said they considered me family and they would never accept her.

 

Ten years later, my ex is still with that same woman. Family approval carried no weight with my ex, obviously.

 

OP, do you fear your boyfriend still loves his ex? Just because she was awful doesn't mean he couldn't possibly love her.

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Sounds all too familiar. He loved and cared for his ex. Her behavior in the relationship was inexcusable.

He needs to understand that the way he dumped her was probably the only way he could have. Otherwise she would have got the best of him....again! Sociopathic Manipulators only care for what suits themselves. And To sit with this woman and open himself up to more of the same mind games, can only be harmful to the both of you. If he insists on doing it, then you should be there right with him when he does. If he is not open to that, then you need to ask him why.

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Here's my advice, take it or leave it: Tell him you care for him very much, and to contact you in 6 months. That he should spend a minimum of 6 months on his own, dealing with his feelings of guilt or whatever, and that once he is fully and truly done with her, to call you for a date, and that if you are available, you'll go. And that you should go back to the dating sites, meet ups, however you meet people, and find new guys to date.

 

He's addicted to her drama. He has nothing to feel guilty for.

 

Guilt, by definition:

"the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime."

Did he commit an implied offense or crime? Of course not.

 

What he feels is sad. He feels bad. The point is, he feels things surrounding her. My guess is, he feels he is missing something. He was drawn to the manipulation and drama, and he misses that. He was the one who stayed for 4 years; no one held a gun to his head.

 

You two can have the happiest-go-luckiest time in the world, but he needs, and feeds off of, drama and manipulation.

 

You can talk all day long about how much his friends and family love you; that doesn't matter. He is starving of drama and manipulation. Do not be fooled by his "good guy", aw shucks gotta clear myself of some guilt. Nuh uh.

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If you see him like some 5year old who can be manipulated by others then your relationship is unhealthy. Regardless of whether they stay broken up or not, he doesn't sound ready for a new relationship. He is still dealing with the aftermath of the old one. You sound like a rebound and he sounds like someone who likes drama and playing the victim. If he actually doesn't want to hurt her any further, he should stay no contact with her and let her heal. He is going to end up hurting her further by creating false hope with this needless apology only to shoot her down again by rubbing her nose in the fact that he now has a girlfriend. Your boyfriend sounds like a very selfish person who only thinks of his feelings. What about her feelings? What about your feelings? The way they broke up was fine. He did it face to face and he was clear that it is over. What he wants to do now indicates that he is not over the relationship and he is trying to relieve his discomfort by dragging the very person whom he chose to leave behind into it. He sounds like a selfish drama queen, no better than the ex that you are trying to blame for his wishy washyness. It sounds like he was part of the problem and the manipulations as much as she was. You need to take a step back and think. If he can be so easily manipulated, and you are so tempted to join in this dance of manipulation to "save" him, is this a healthy relationship? Imo, if he needs saving then that's not a relationship you want to be in.

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