What does it meant? My ex could be BPD

Hello,

so after really hard times in our relationship, where it was on and off couple of times, she cheated on me and I ended it, she lied a lot and used me. She told me she didn't really cared about me when she cheated, she had no guilt, maybe only shame. It was really complex break-up, firstly I broke up with her to give her some space, then she called me after 3 days that she wanted to sleep with someone and how bad she feels, I wasn't pleasant for me and I was done with being nice, so I wasn't quite supportive. After one month I worked abroad I came back, we met randomly, we talked a lot and when we said goodbye she kissed me. Next day I got informed that she is still looking for one night stands. I confronted her and she got really hysterical. She told me that she was ok when I was abroad and I am the problem. After like 4 days I went to return some books I borrowed from her. We got together again, we talked a lot about our relationship and how we want to start again, but she was leaving in 2 days, she went on yoga retreat in Cambodia. Long story short she cheated on me there and told me first day she came back, but only after we had great time together and all seemed alright. I see now that I played a big part in this with how hard I was trying to stay with her.

She is really unstable, impulsive, often rages quickly and used to punch or kick me when we argued. She was depressed a lot, suicidal at times, self-damaging when I confronted her with her behaviour. Almost everytime she apologized afterwards, but it was really hard. I was walking on eggshells for sure, she was really demanding, jealous and never took any responsibility, she only apologized and cried a lot, she was always playing a victim role. All this abnormal behaviour and fact that she has no stable identity and thinks one way acts another made me think she may suffer from BPD, it would make things clearer. What do you think?

It was hard for me to go no contact but after I realized there is no logic in her behaviour I stopped texting her. I was writing her some messages for like frist week and a half and then two messages in a span of one month. I never wrote anything vulgar or anything bad I just wanted some answers and wanted her to know how she made me feel. Last message got really bad and she called me and was quite hysterical again. After 3 days from that drama, she called me and we talked about everything, it seemed ok, I felt better and she apologized for how she bahaved in the end (cheating). I started to feel better, less focused on her and more on myself.

But 2 days ago we met in the bus, it is like 10 days after her hysterical call, she asked me if I can sit next to her, I said no and sat somewhere else, but I felt bad, so I went back and sat next to her. We talked quite normally like nothing ever happened between us, she wasn't giving me any , just talking about her life in general and asking about mine. It felt like she is normal. We got off on same spot so we walked together for a while, then I hugged her and went away. After like 50 meters I turned away and she was still looking at me as she waited for traffic to pass. It made me a bit confused, how normal it was. Why does she wants to speak to me? Why is she acting like nothing happened? Is it just for her public persona or is there something I am not aware of? Does she wants to be friends? A lot of questions arised with this random small talk, I realized it just stimulated my trauma and all that she did on daily basis. I got little upset that she doesn't even know what kind of stuff I had to go through. She just seems so beyond all that she did and all that happened. I don't know. Sometimes I fell like I am the problem now, like I had some signs of her bahaviour.

Can someone relate to this weird normal talk after break-up with abusive partner?

Thanks for answers and sorry for too much reading.

PS: English is not my native language so sorry for grammar.