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Thread: Boundaries / controlling - whatís accepting with opposite sex friends

  1. #51
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unless you work at McDonald's, you may have to socialize with both genders of coworkers and that can include lunch, drinks, power walks whatever. It is not about "thin and pretty coworkers" it's about paranoid insecurity. He is most likely already considering her demand that he "no longer see or speak to her" and planning his exit. Who dictates what coworkers you "can see or speak to"? Insane.
    I don't like that he didn't share with her how regularly and routinely he was spending time with her. It's odd at the very least.

  2. #52
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    I know what you are saying wiseman and I completely agree. I donít want to hold him prisoner. They donít work together, they are in different teams but the same building. They met during a staff training and went out in a group for lunch. Then went out from there on together on their own, organising the walks via their organisation private messaging system. My gut tells me he has/had feelings for her but he at this stage didnít think he was doing anything wrong as nothing physical had happened. What am I supposed to do? We broke up for a few days over this because of the lying. How can the relationship work if their friendship continues as it is? I wouldnít have asked him to stop seeing her had he been upfront about it, but I would have been privately insecure and anxious. He told me he wants to be with me not her and wants our relationship to work but I just donít see how it can work if he maintains this particular friendship. If he resents me down the line for the loss of friendship with her and ends it that is the risk I have to take. Moving forward I want him to feel able to be upfront with me and me to not feel worried.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating? That is sad, it's you who is imposing this gloom as if he's cheating. As you mentioned, nothing would have helped unless she were "fat, old and ugly". Even if he told you, you would be mad. No amount of honesty, reassurance or transparency will help you. Do you think he wants to chronically reassure you that the only females he speaks with fit your "fat ugly old" requirements?

    It sounds like you've been cheated on before and haven't dealt with it so are hyper vigilant to the point of "forbidding" him to talk to or interact with attractive coworkers. Even though he's not cheating you have given him an ultimatum.
    Originally Posted by Lucysm
    They met during a staff training He told me he wants to be with me not her and wants our relationship to work but I just donít see how it can work if he maintains this particular friendship.

  4. #54
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    We have been together nearly a decade and have never had anything like this happen before. I was cheated on during my teens but I remember being insecure about my teenage boyfriend female friendships before I discovered anything untoward. This is just i me. As I said though I would *not* have imposed anything had he been upfront. He has other attractive colleagues that he interacts with but he has never had any 1:1 walks with them (not because of me, he just simply hasnít bonded with them like that). How would you suggest I move forward now? Both in terms of personally with my issues and in terms of this relationship?

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you live together? How is the rest of your relationship? He has never cheated before, why would you think this situation presents a slippery slope? What's really happening in the relationship that you feel this is a threat?
    Originally Posted by Lucysm
    We have been together nearly a decade. I was cheated on during my teens but I remember being insecure about my teenage boyfriend female friendships before I discovered anything untoward.

  7. #56
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Do you live together? How is the rest of your relationship? He has never cheated before, why would you think this situation presents a slippery slope? What's really happening in the relationship that you feel this is a threat?
    Yes lived together three years, mortgage for 1 year. The rest of our relationship has been good apart from some financial stress this year after buying our house. This situation I saw as a slippery slope because he kept her entire existence secret from me. He talks about his colleagues (mostly all female) all the time. Heís worked there three years, known this girl a couple of months and said he gets on better with her than anyone else yet never ever mentioned her name. Whether this is because he had feelings for her (in his words ďI donít think I have feelings for herĒ), or because he thought I would have been too jealous and caused confrontation, I will never know. Perhaps itís both. What I need to know is how to move forward personally and in the relationship.

  8. #57
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    What was your purpose in moving in together and combining finances?

  9. #58
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I don't like that he didn't share with her how regularly and routinely he was spending time with her. It's odd at the very least.
    He has some interest in her past platonic. He even as much as admitted it when he said "I don't think I have feelings for her." That is a soft "yes, I have feelings for her but I don't want to admit that to you or myself just yet."

    Adding: Here is yet another sign that he has her on his mind past a simple friendship:
    I found out as I noticed him searching for her a lot online

  10. #59
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I have male friends. I have handsome male friends. This has been a source of conflict in my past relationships.

    I have a rule in situations like this.

    If my partner has female friends, he needs to feel comfortable enough to introduce them to me (The opportunity may never happen, but he needs to ask himself if he's ok with the idea) After all, they are just friends, right?

    I, in turn consider all my male friends ones that my bf can have access to and socialize with.

    If there is anyone off limits in either of our worlds, then it's typically because there would be some awkwardness - and if you were honest and asked yourself what the awkwardness was about. .it's most likely due to some attraction, realized, addressed or not.

    I stumbled across this in my marriage years ago. When my then husband met me, two of my best friends were guys. He wasn't sure how to deal with it, so I included him in things we did. Fast fwd, a couple years later these guys would come by the house when I wasn't home and hangout with my husband.

    And I had to be honest with myself. I had those mystery male friends that were never going to meet my husband, so I distanced myself from them.

    I still operate this way. It may not be for everyone, but this expectation works for me and I expect the same in return.

    Can you meet this walking/lunching friend? If not, then why?
    You will have your answer.

    ďI donít think I have feelings for herĒ < and I agree. Not a good answer. You should be concerned.

  11. #60
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    If my partner has female friends, he needs to feel comfortable enough to introduce them to me (The opportunity may never happen, but he needs to ask himself if he's ok with the idea) After all, they are just friends, right?

    I, in turn consider all my male friends ones that my bf can have access to and socialize with.
    Totally agree with this, reinventmyself.


    Lucysm, have you met this colleague?

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