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Thread: Boundaries / controlling - whatís accepting with opposite sex friends

  1. #11
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lucysm
    Yes it would be OK :-(
    I agree it's about insecurities then.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Lucysm
    I want to be trusting of my partner and work on any insecurities. What I struggle is not knowing whether I need to trust him or whether he is behaving in a way that crosses a line when in a relationship.

    How would people feel about their partner going on walks and lunches with an attractive single co-worker twice a week? What would it take for a line to be crossed for you?
    I would be fine with it as long as I have the opportunity to meet her and she is supportive of our marriage. My husband has lunch with single/divorced female coworkers -they are 100% for business purposes but sure I assume they also chit chat some. (I happen to be friendly with one of them and she is recently divorced, attractive and chatty like me and I do trust her). Married people cheat so the fact that a coworker is single or married isn't that much of a relevant factor.
    And having said that I asked my husband something that was really out of character for me, last night. He works closely with a married coworker. Third marriage for her, she cheated on her first husband- a coworker -with another coworker. Call me judgey. I don't like it. She is very smart and my husband likes working with her because she is reliable and hardworking like him. They just found out they're invited to the same short conference out of town. And I said "does she ever flirt with you" and he said "no" in that way of "lady are you crazy-where did that come from?" He meets with her about their various work pretty regularly and most often it is with other people in the office. I've never known him to have any personal discussions with her -indeed he only knows about her recent 3rd marriage through the grapevine. Yes. I trust him. Yes, she is someone I feel the need to keep a bit of a closer eye on.

    And yes I've always had opposite sex friends and regularly seen them one on one. In the past 10 years much less because I moved away/became a mom/got married. Never ever anything but platonic. My husband trusts me and is fine with it. I am casually friendly with a few of my male coworkers and based on logistics and motivation I can't see myself ever spending one on one time with any of them other than when we're stapling documents at the same time!

  3. #13
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    Also just know that (at least based on my experience) it's not only attractive people who have affairs, get involved with married people - people who have values that justify getting involved that way often find a way although "well it just happened" -and it's not always true that the affair partner is more attractive than the spouse. Certainly your partner might have a "type" but often if a person is inclined to cheat, the proximity of a coworker whether that coworker is objectively attractive or not builds the temptation/attraction -all of a sudden that person who doesn't have the values to end a relationship first will find him or herself attracted to someone not their typical type.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lucysm
    I want to be trusting of my partner and work on any insecurities. What I struggle is not knowing whether I need to trust him or whether he is behaving in a way that crosses a line when in a relationship.

    How would people feel about their partner going on walks and lunches with an attractive single co-worker twice a week? What would it take for a line to be crossed for you?
    He's doing date like things with another woman. He is crossing a line and they would appear to be on their way to having an emotional affair. There actions are showing each other that their time alone together is important. If they are just friends then why not invite others along on their little trysts?

    I think your concern has nothing to do with insecurity. You may be insecure about their interaction but that is because what they are doing is crossing a romantic relationship boundary for YOU. You two have two different RRBourndaries. I think you are cognizant of the fact that when two people spend a lot of one on one time together (which your b/f and this woman are doing) they can very easily become vulnerable to one another by sharing things and making one another feel important and noticed. Even the most faithful of people can slip down a slippery slope of attraction when they are doing steady date like activities together. I do not think that a business lunch is crossing a line if it is about keeping or making a client but when you are at it constantly rater than occasionally to show appreciation for their business, then it's crossing a line.

    Adding:
    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Yes, agreed.

    You can't tell people to stop doing things, so if it was not something you couldn't accept or be comfortable with, then you need to find another partner.
    You can't tell them what to do but you can certainly discuss romantic relationship boundaries and how what he is doing with this other woman looks and what often happens when two people are bonding like those two appear to be doing... and then he can decide to either quit the one on one with her or keep it going after knowing how it makes his significal other feel. If he won't stop then its obviously that their one on one time means more to him then his relationship with the Op and she can make an informed decision on whether or not to end the relationship.
    Last edited by ThatwasThen; 01-26-2019 at 02:25 PM.

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  6. #15
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    I have gone to lunch with my married friends. Nothing has happened as we were friends. Married people can interact with the opposite sex without anything happening.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    He's doing date like things with another woman. He is crossing a line and they would appear to be on their way to having an emotional affair. There actions are showing each other that their time alone together is important. If they are just friends then why not invite others along on their little trysts?

    I think your concern has nothing to do with insecurity. You may be insecure about their interaction but that is because what they are doing is crossing a romantic relationship boundary for YOU. You two have two different RRBourndaries. I think you are cognizant of the fact that when two people spend a lot of one on one time together (which your b/f and this woman are doing) they can very easily become vulnerable to one another by sharing things and making one another feel important and noticed. Even the most faithful of people can slip down a slippery slope of attraction when they are doing steady date like activities together. I do not think that a business lunch is crossing a line if it is about keeping or making a client but when you are at it constantly rater than occasionally to show appreciation for their business, then it's crossing a line.

    Adding:

    You can't tell them what to do but you can certainly discuss romantic relationship boundaries and how what he is doing with this other woman looks and what often happens when two people are bonding like those two appear to be doing... and then he can decide to either quit the one on one with her or keep it going after knowing how it makes his significal other feel. If he won't stop then its obviously that their one on one time means more to him then his relationship with the Op and she can make an informed decision on whether or not to end the relationship.
    But by her own admission she would be OK with him doing "date like things" with another woman as long as she is fat, ugly or old (or all three).

    Shouldn't those boundaries apply across the board?

    OP, should your boyfriend show you a pic of his coworkers before he has lunch or walks around at lunch time with them so you can determine if they are unattractive enough?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    OP: Has been advise by Batya about looks not necessarily being a factor in someone becoming attracted past the plantonic with someone. I suspect now that she knows better, she would have the same romantic relationship boundary regardless of how attractive/homely SHE THINKS the other is. I think she forgot that attraction is subjective and just because she see's someone as less "hot" then her, it doesn't mean her partner will agree with her.

  9. #18
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    We've all seen those couples where if we are honest with ourselves, we wonder "why is THAT attractive man with THAT homely woman??" And it's usually because both of them are able to see past superficial physical attributes to the person underneath.

    Now, that's not to be naÔve and think that people don't act on physical attraction to someone's appearance because they absolutely do. But someone being fat, ugly (facially) or old doesn't make them "safe" so to speak.

    OP, I just can't see how you could ask for a boundary that consists of "Only fat, ugly and old women are allowed to be your lunch/walking partners. Hot women are not allowed."

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    OP, I just can't see how you could ask for a boundary that consists of "Only fat, ugly and old women are allowed to be your lunch/walking partners. Hot women are not allowed."
    I know you are right I canít ask for that boundary. I guess what I meant was I donít feel any anxiety or concern about him going for lunch with married friends decades older than him. But I feel insecure and anxious about this.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lucysm
    I know you are right I canít ask for that boundary. I guess what I meant was I donít feel any anxiety or concern about him going for lunch with married friends decades older than him. But I feel insecure and anxious about this.
    ... and you should because they are, at the very least more likely than not having an emotional affair and it wouldn't matter if she were older, less attractive than you or married for that to happen. They are crossing a platonic relationship dynamic into a more romantic, date-like realm.

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