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The hidden perks of a breakup- share yours!


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I know, I know. It’s painful and we feel restless and anxious and when we’re out, we can’t wait to go home and cry. And when we’re home alone and crying, we don’t know what to do with ourselves. Breakups suck big time.

 

BUT...are there unexpected perks? Some good that came out of it?

 

In my case, I’ve been losing a bit of weight and I feel like I’m looking pretty good. Not my preferred choice of weight loss but my belly is become flatter and flatter as I don’t crave food so much. I eat enough calories, don’t worry. But just enough, I think,

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Excellent. It sounds like you are handling this quite well and making lemonade out of lemons, so to speak. Agree retooling and self improvement plans are a great way to refocus. There is also the freedom and relief from the relationship strife and bs factor.

In my case, I’ve been losing a bit of weight and I feel like I’m looking pretty good.

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When my serial cheating ex left, lost 100lbs, become the cool dad (my kids used to call me Grandpa), I met many new friends, started dating again for the first time in 25 years, started doing things I enjoyed in my youth like horse riding and surfing and maybe I'm a little crazy, but I've been dating an ex Russian model for two years. We meet in all sorts of romantic destinations all over the world....... My married friends used to feel sorry for me, now they are all jealous ; )

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I'm self-employed and for years have been 'coasting'; not really trying and taking 'comfort' in someone else being there. But good lord - the VALUE of shedding that 'dead weight' of having someone around who just doesn't care that much, someone who could just leave at any moment (someone who thought they were doing me a favour by just being there) is IMMENSE. It's liberating! I'm now focussing on my business and GETTING SOMEWHERE. (In fact the nerves I feel about financial stuff are actually beneficial and motivational - for years, I was just settling into miserable almost-comfort).

 

Also, I love my home...it really always was my dream house (it was his too, when we moved in!) - but for so long everything I loved about it was bittersweet because the person who shared it with me constantly seemed to want to be elsewhere. Now I can go into the back garden, listen to the birds, look at the massive pine tree and just ENJOY it and be present. No 'ifs' or 'buts' - this is a gorgeous place and I am happy here, it is at last truly HOME.

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I have soooooo much time to do whatever I want! This is the first time in my life that I’m taking accountability for my own life. For the first time in my life my decisions aren’t based on what another man wants. I have not been good to myself for so long that it feels empowering to feel good right now even after all the hurt. Even if it’s just for a few hours (it’s only day 8 post break up for me). But I know as time passes, I’m only going to feel better and better. Goodnight everybody!

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Perks: I feel so much better about myself 6 months after the breakup. Without a man who hated me and my young children-- telling me how he never loved me, criticizing me, etc, I learned how to love and value myself more. With my renewed self confidence and focus, I was able to acquire a higher paying job, a new 4000 square foot home, (my dream home) as well as obtain a new car in 6 months. I work less hours per week and make more money than I did at my previous job. I've learned how to be alone and not rely on anyone emotionally. I'm still healing and I have my moments where I vent here but it's all part of my healing process and I'm excited about continuing to move forward.

 

I discovered that I was able to provide for myself everything that I had hoped a man would give me.(Stability) I rediscovered what its like to feel loved and valued by others. I am free to meet the man that God has for me- because I'm no longer wasting my life and tears on my ex. The best perk is that I dont have to answer to anyone-- I've been in abusive relationships my entire life and I'm just taking my time to heal, have fun, travel and rediscover myself. I go to happy hour/girls night out at my friends house every Friday evening. I get out more and I've made a few new friends because of it. I can bring whomever I want over to my house whenever I feel like it. That's the best perk of them all!!

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Good question here.

 

I'd say that all of my biggest breakups—four in 14 years—have given way to the best chapters of my life. Yes, the pain sucks, and so on.

 

But past the pain, and alongside the pain, what's come? So, so much! I've moved cities, twice, maybe initially to run from pain but in doing so I expanded my life, literally. Ended up with homes in multiple cities, built a mobile life, which was a dream of mine since I was a kid. Hard to be too angsty when you're realizing dreams, when you realize you've got all the fuel on your own to do so.

 

I have one very distinct memory of sitting in what became my home in the South—floating in my pool on a humid summer day, sipping something bubbly, staring up at a palm tree, still very much crushed and alone, but thinking: I can't believe this is my life, that this beauty is real, and it's my life because of heartbreak, because of loss. I was sad but hardly mad. I was, above all, incredibly lucky to be alive.

 

I've traveled the world while heartbroken, so I can thank breakups (and by extension the incredible women I shared time and space with) for jumping out of a plane over the Atlantic Ocean, driving the English countryside, motorcycling through Japan, climbing a volcano in Ecuador, and discovering a surf town in Costa Rica where I now spend two months a year and have a supportive community.

 

I'm also a breakup hobbyist, and it was a sore heart that got me into, among other pursuits, learning about classical music, rereading classic novels, making pottery, riding motorcycles, learning to surf. Some of those didn't stick once the heart was beating normally again, but most of them became part of me, who I am today. More luck, that. Sorry we didn't work out, but thank you.

 

Six years ago I went through a breakup where, like you, I shed a bunch of weight. Yeah, that's because I was a mess and just didn't eat for like two weeks, unless you count the calories in bourbon. Whatever. At 33 I was back to the body I had as an athletic teen, taut and tendon-y, and you know what? That felt good. Kind of wanted to keep that. Started every morning with 100 pushups, and have done that every day since. Got into yoga—out of vanity, I admit, but turned out to be even better for the mind. Got into cooking, and (if I may) can whip up a lot of pretty dazzling healthy fare. The flat stomach is nice for my nearly 40 year old ego, the inner balance essential for my soul, the dinner parties I now regularly throw (me! a dude who didn't know how to make mac-n-cheese at 30!) integral to deepening my friendships and, yeah, doesn't hurt in the world of dating.

 

Personally, I hate nothing more than complacency, and it's often in relationships—especially ones that have stopped working—where we become complacent. Netflix and chill. Rinse and repeat. Yeah, it's comforting, but limited. Yawn. I invite anything into my life that triggers growth, that cracks me open—and there's nothing quite like a breakup to do that. Sometimes you need to be emptied to fill back up.

 

The self-searching, the chance to dig deep, to reevaluate yourself, to discover things inside you didn't know were there: I've gone down some amazing paths following breakups, and am stronger for it, more curious, more open, more compassionate—with others, with myself.

 

The women who prompted all that and more—I loved them, yes. Made real magic and lost those loves. Some I left, some left me. Some I didn't treat so well, some didn't treat me so well. But I value them all—not just for what we shared, but for who I became in the wake of letting go. The real forever stuff. No regrets, only well wishes.

 

So hang in there. Lean into this moment and, odds are, you might find yourself nostalgic for it once the pain recedes. Which it does. Because the resilience of human beings is truly astounding and when we have a chance to be reminded of our own inner strength—even if that chance is delivered with a blow—we can really astound ourselves.

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About 15 months after my breakup, I would say there have been no actual benefits to my breakup. I've seen a lot of things improve in myself and in my life, but those all had to do with outside forces or were things that would have happened regardless of my relationship status. I'm still dealing with a lot of the consequences of the breakup, though, but perhaps not for much longer.

 

I'm pretty sure I will always look back on this (and my late relationship) with sadness and disappointment, but that doesn't mean I won't carry on.

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About 15 months after my breakup, I would say there have been no actual benefits to my breakup. I've seen a lot of things improve in myself and in my life, but those all had to do with outside forces or were things that would have happened regardless of my relationship status. I'm still dealing with a lot of the consequences of the breakup, though, but perhaps not for much longer.

 

I'm pretty sure I will always look back on this (and my late relationship) with sadness and disappointment, but that doesn't mean I won't carry on.

 

Hugs. Just hugs.

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I've found, in the more recent past, that break ups have made me more empathetic and compassionate. It seems to be a temporary thing that fades as I start to feel better, but it's nice while it lasts. It has brought me closer to some friends. I'm not in a rush to go through a break up any time soon, though!

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