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Thread: Is she just crazy or am I a bad friend?

  1. #1
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    Is she just crazy or am I a bad friend?

    I am 46 and my friend is 37. We met at a music festival 3 years ago and quickly became festie besties. We have about 100 mutual friends, also festival goers. We're like a big family, the festivals are small and everyone is into peace, love, good vibes, etc. Yeah kinda like hippies I guess, lol So when we first became friends we always talked about all the things we had in common. But after the 1st year, things changed. I feel like she is all talk about that kinda stuff. Her life is anything but good vibes and peace. So now i'm having a difficult time keeping this friendship up.

    So about 2 years ago I noticed she started to snap at me for various things, one thing is she would get upset if I asked her to send me a picture she took of us (because she doesn't want me posting stuff on FB unless she likes how she looks in the picture). We have gotten into a few arguments about this, and once she didnt talk to me for 2 days (usually we talk every day) and she told me to start taking my own pictures. I always tell her I HATE digging me phone out and being on a phone when I am having a good time dancing to music. But she is snapping pictures left and right instead of enjoying the music which is why she is the one that takes all of them. But I just feel that if you take pictures of you with someone, and they want that picture, you should give it to them, not snap at them to take their own pictures. She tells me not to post pictures of us and once said "All i'm asking is that you be a good friend and not post pictures of me."

    Another thing we fight about is that this guy she dated for 2 months dumped her, and she will not listen to my advice to get over him. She would call me and analyze every aspect of their relationship and his actions, and she would talk for 2-4 hours every time, even though she knows I hate talking on the phone. It's been 4 months now and some psychics told her that he is her twin flame so she gets mad anytime I tell her maybe he's done with her and she should move on. She snaps at me and tells me "Unless you have met your twin flame, you dont know what i'm going through!" and then she'll stop talking to me for a few days.

    Another issue is she snaps at me for is trying to help her improve her life. She is always going on and on about how she needs to get her life together so i'm trying to help her and she gets upset and says she is stressed out enough the way it is, she doesn't need me reminding her. She won't let anyone into her apartment because it's so messy and cluttered. Her furnace was broken for a year because there was no path to get to the furnace. She hasn't had hot water for at least 2 years so she showers at her parents house. The reason why this doesn't get fixed apparently is because then she would have to clean her bathroom. She sits on FB all the time, when she's home, when she's working, when she's driving (she's gotten into accidents because of this but won't stop doing it), she even sits on FB in bed and only sleeps when she finally passes out for an hour or two, then she picks up her phone whenever she wakes up. I know because I have stayed in hotels with her like 5 times and I have only seen her sleeping for a few minutes one time.

    We just got into a big fight a few days ago and it was because she was telling me about all these vacations she wants to take this winter and I said she better get another credit card then, and I typed "lol" and she got mad. Well all her cards are maxed out and she maxed one out just getting some shamanic healing done (which in my opinion didnt heal anything), and she says she needs to get a part time job to pay off her credit card debt, so when she says she is probably going to travel to 4 different places this year, yeah I can't not remind her that she has no money! She still owes me a few hundred dollars from past hotels we've stayed in. Then she snaps at me that she is heartbroken and can't sit home or she'll feel worse. But she's just using that as an excuse because every winter she has to go on vacations to avoid getting depressed, even though she is right back to being depressed again when she is back home. She literally can't stand sitting home doing nothing, that's why she either escapes (vacations) or sits on Fb 24/7 clicking "interested" to events she'll never go to. She also has health issues and every single time there is a festival or something we are gonna do, she can't be there on time because she has a migraine, feels like crap, is too tired, etc. to get ready. So she's late for everything. But snaps at ME when I give her tips on how to pack or get ready earlier.

    So during this fight she was getting irritated with my optimism about how the weather will be in the spring, she was swearing at me and everything. Then I would point out the inconsistency in things she would say and she would snap at me for that. She asked why everything had to be a debate with me. With ME?! She is always telling me how she is always arguing with her mom and how she gets into fights with her brothers and how a few of her friends have made her mad about this, that and the other thing, but she's acting like I'm the one who is making this a debate? I said I was just trying to make sense of what she says and she said the same thing to me. And she said "I'm kind of surprised we are friends sometimes." and also said that I am negative all the time (forgetting that a few minutes earlier she was irritated with me being optimistic about the weather!) then she said that someone told her once that I remind them of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, but she couldn't remember who said that. That is a total load of BS. I get compliments all the time about how much positive energy I have. One person recently told me "I can instantly tell there's all kinds of positive vibes pouring out of your amazing soul!" So for my friend to try to tell me someone thought I was like Eeyore just makes no sense to me. When i go to festivals I am smiling so much my cheeks hurt. I make at least 10 new friends every time i go to a festival. Most of her friends know me. I'm not trying to brag, just saying how her statement just made me laugh cuz there's no way it's true. Of course she can't remember who said it.

    Of course it might seem like I am telling a biased version of the situation, but I was just wondering if it seems like I am being a bad friend in any way for her to snap at me as much as she does. Or if maybe she's just got mental issues (she claims her mom does which is why they argue so much).

  2. #2
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    It seems like you give her a lot of unsolicited advice without making sure she wants your input. It's not helpful to give unsolicited advice or to tell someone something she already knows, if you want to bea good friend. You two seem like a bad match because you interact by giving her unsolicited advice and needing to be "right" instead of close - ask yourself sometimes "would I rather be "right" or "close"" -and be honest about what it important to you.

    I think it's high maintenance of you to keep asking her to send you pictures she took and I hope you didn't post photos of her on Facebook she did not approve of. She gets to make that call not you.

    She sounds like she wants you to be a sounding board more than a give and take friendship and that what you had in common in the beginning has faded. I think it's probably time to distance yourself from this person and simply be casual acquaintances during the festivals you both attend.

    It also doesn't matter how many people tell you about your positive energy because that's not one of those blanket truths. You two bring out negative energy and bad vibes. It happens even with people who generally have positive energy.

    You also don't sound like you admire her or respect her and I'm sure she can tell.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    She sounds like a hot mess and in need of a lot of attention.
    You in turn think it's your place to fix her and make everything better. She is an adult, correct?
    (google codependency)

    She just wants someone to be an audience to her victim lifestyle, she doesn't want advise.
    She just wants to be heard. Most people do

    So given that this is how she is and if you can accept that you have absolutely no say and no influence on her lifestyle, can you still see you two being friends?

    I kinda relate to this. My friend is a similar (but not the same) version of this.
    I learned long, long ago that any advise was wasted oxygen.
    She just likes to complain and she's her own worst enemy.

    It's my choice if I feel like being her audience on any given day.
    Sometimes I don't.

  4. #4
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    Stop correcting her. Have a good time with her at festivals, but stop getting so involved in the rest of her life. YOu will feel better.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    It seems like you give her a lot of unsolicited advice without making sure she wants your input. It's not helpful to give unsolicited advice or to tell someone something she already knows, if you want to bea good friend. You two seem like a bad match because you interact by giving her unsolicited advice and needing to be "right" instead of close - ask yourself sometimes "would I rather be "right" or "close"" -and be honest about what it important to you.

    I think it's high maintenance of you to keep asking her to send you pictures she took and I hope you didn't post photos of her on Facebook she did not approve of. She gets to make that call not you.

    She sounds like she wants you to be a sounding board more than a give and take friendship and that what you had in common in the beginning has faded. I think it's probably time to distance yourself from this person and simply be casual acquaintances during the festivals you both attend.

    It also doesn't matter how many people tell you about your positive energy because that's not one of those blanket truths. You two bring out negative energy and bad vibes. It happens even with people who generally have positive energy.

    You also don't sound like you admire her or respect her and I'm sure she can tell.
    The need to be right vs solving the issues has been a prevalent issue on OP's threads but the friend seems messed up though. But yes, I agree you need to not be so invested in her and her life and I bet you'll feel better and more unbothered by her.

    Also, this is not an attack on you by any means, as I do get the frustration you're going through, but weren't you that had a sleep disorder that prevented you to get jobs that have "regular" hours and impacting your life significantly? Apparently she has health issues too, yet her health issues make you impatient as they are an inconvenience to you. I actually think that this situation with your friend is an amazing opportunity for self study, because even though you don't have her problems and seem to live a happier and more funcional life than her, I can see some parallels between her life and some of the things you talked about in your threads, specially when you said you wanted to change your life, like get an online job or something, and everyone kept advising and giving suggestions but you refuted all of them and none of them were valid. Also the whole issue where you thought you knew what was best for your (ex?) boyfriend and what you thought he needed. At the same time you're feeling frustrated because your friend is refuting and not accepting your suggestions. As I said this is an amazing opportunity for reflection.

    I'm not saying either you or her are wrong for not following advice you both don't agree with, but the lesson here is that you (general you) can't change people, they must be willing to change. And the lesson here is that as much as you have the good intention of fixing her life (didn't you also assume the role of the fixer with your ex?), the best you can do is giving your opinion (if solicited) once and respect that she has to be willing to take action. If she doesn't you either respect it and accept her how she is or you realise the friendship is toxic for you (and it's totally fine to think so as it seems it is) and you step away and stop caring. Don't assume a superiority or a fixer role towards no one because people end up resent you and it's worse. If you care about her as a friend, the best you can do is being there when she needs, but stop trying to fix her life or to make her listen. She might hear some day, but only when she's ready.
    Last edited by Annia; 01-25-2019 at 08:29 PM.

  7. #6
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    If you want photos, then take your own. Also, many people do not want their pic on Fb.

    She sounds like a mess. She also sounds like an emotional vampire. I have no tolerance for this.

    If you don't want to hear about the problems, then shut it down.

    Honestly, I do not know why you have continued this. It sounds exhausting.

    You sound very co dependent. Stop with the advice and mothering.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-25-2019 at 08:36 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    If you want photos, then take your own. Also, many people do not want their pic on Fb.

    She sounds like a mess. She also sounds like an emotional vampire. I have no tolerance for this.

    If you don't want to hear about the problems, then shut it down.

    Honestly, I do not know why you have continued this. It sounds exhausting.

    You sound very co dependent. Stop with the advice and mother role.
    This is a similar pattern with the ex boyfriend from previous threads. The role of the fixer.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    It seems like you give her a lot of unsolicited advice without making sure she wants your input. It's not helpful to give unsolicited advice or to tell someone something she already knows, if you want to bea good friend. You two seem like a bad match because you interact by giving her unsolicited advice and needing to be "right" instead of close - ask yourself sometimes "would I rather be "right" or "close"" -and be honest about what it important to you.
    Isn't that what friends are for though, to help them better themselves? I don't want to be an enabler. But I guess...if she wants to stay miserable, I'll let her stay there. I have tried to let things get more casual lately, by only messaging her when she messages me. But it's every day (unless she's pissed off), and i'm not one to just quit talking to somebody.

    I think it's high maintenance of you to keep asking her to send you pictures she took and I hope you didn't post photos of her on Facebook she did not approve of. She gets to make that call not you.
    I have never once posted a pic of her, she just didn't want her ex boyfriend to see a bad picture of her, that is why she got angry with me that I wanted her to post one.

    She sounds like she wants you to be a sounding board more than a give and take friendship and that what you had in common in the beginning has faded. I think it's probably time to distance yourself from this person and simply be casual acquaintances during the festivals you both attend.
    Oh I agree. I mean I understand needing someone to vent to but every conversation revolves around her problems and when I talk about my life, she gets judgy and condescending so I have stopped talking about my life with her.

    It also doesn't matter how many people tell you about your positive energy because that's not one of those blanket truths. You two bring out negative energy and bad vibes. It happens even with people who generally have positive energy.
    Well i'm just saying I know how I am and I am not negative and mopey like Eeyore. She does bring so much negative energy to my life though which is why I have started to go off on my own at festivals and hang out with friends who are having fun.

    You also don't sound like you admire her or respect her and I'm sure she can tell.
    I know it sounds bad but there isn't much to admire. I mean she's pretty, and I'm always telling her how good she looks (she thrives on attention so I pacify that need). But it's hard to admire a woman in her late 30's who still works for her parents, showers at their house, eats at their house, and argues with them while she's doing it.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    Isn't that what friends are for though, to help them better themselves? I don't want to be an enabler. But I guess...if she wants to stay miserable, I'll let her stay there. I have tried to let things get more casual lately, by only messaging her when she messages me. But it's every day (unless she's pissed off), and i'm not one to just quit talking to somebody.



    I have never once posted a pic of her, she just didn't want her ex boyfriend to see a bad picture of her, that is why she got angry with me that I wanted her to post one.



    Oh I agree. I mean I understand needing someone to vent to but every conversation revolves around her problems and when I talk about my life, she gets judgy and condescending so I have stopped talking about my life with her.



    Well i'm just saying I know how I am and I am not negative and mopey like Eeyore. She does bring so much negative energy to my life though which is why I have started to go off on my own at festivals and hang out with friends who are having fun.



    I know it sounds bad but there isn't much to admire. I mean she's pretty, and I'm always telling her how good she looks (she thrives on attention so I pacify that need). But it's hard to admire a woman in her late 30's who still works for her parents, showers at their house, eats at their house, and argues with them while she's doing it.
    You’re so judgmental of her.

    She’s probably sick of your “better than thou” advice. I don’t blame her!

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    She sounds like a hot mess and in need of a lot of attention.
    You in turn think it's your place to fix her and make everything better. She is an adult, correct?
    (google codependency)

    She just wants someone to be an audience to her victim lifestyle, she doesn't want advise.
    She just wants to be heard. Most people do

    So given that this is how she is and if you can accept that you have absolutely no say and no influence on her lifestyle, can you still see you two being friends?

    I kinda relate to this. My friend is a similar (but not the same) version of this.
    I learned long, long ago that any advise was wasted oxygen.
    She just likes to complain and she's her own worst enemy.

    It's my choice if I feel like being her audience on any given day.
    Sometimes I don't.
    A lot of what you said makes so much sense! I guess when I'm venting about things, I want solutions, so I guess when I hear other people doing it, I naturally want to offer solutions. I guess from now on, I'll just reaffirm that her life sucks and there's nothing she can do about it. Just doesn't sound like what a good friend should do though.

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