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Thread: Is she just crazy or am I a bad friend?

  1. #21
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
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    OP why are you friends with someone you don't respect? Is it so you can ultimately feel better about yourself and your life by hanging out with someone worse off than you? Because that's exactly how it comes across on here.

    I suggest you let go of this relationship (stop answering her texts, stop communicating with her except politely when you see her at a festival) and allow her the opportunity to make friends that will be more supportive and accepting of who she is, while allowing yourself the opportunity to build friendships that meet your own expectations.

  2. #22
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    I agree with the suggestions of letting her go. It’s fine to be a problem solver for people who ask for help solving their problems - and that might be a friend, an acquaintance, a coworker.
    Friendship is not about being someone’s problem solver. It’s the old saying “don’t walk in front of me I may not follow don’t walk behind me I may not lead just walk beside me and be my friend”. I’m a mom. He’s almost 10 and honestly I do my very best to encourage him to solve his own problems and I see my role as good listener and facilitator. It’s hard sometimes to keep my mouth shut but I know long term it’s best. How else will he grow and gain insight? But yes sometimes I tell him stuff “for his own good” because he simply lacks the life experience to make choices that might be hard in the short term but prove beneficial in the long term.

    But friendship is different because it should be basically between equals. Sure sometimes one person guides or mentors the other but with respect and care not to overstep boundaries. And sure in rare cases friends can tell each other what to do and it’s cool. I have a friend like that. We met on our first day of high school almost 40 years ago. And she’s a straight shooter and many times has said to me “this is what you should do ok?” One of the last times that sticks out is when I had started a job search after over 5 years as a full time mom. She said “this is the kind of job you need “ and she listed what I as a person with child care responsibilities should be looking for. Totally on the money and I received it well. And appreciated it.

    But it’s rare - and the default should be as someone aptly put it “keep your hands to yourself. “. Instead why not take the time you don’t spend with her to implement more of the ideas you’ve written down in your notebooks?

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    If you want photos, then take your own. Also, many people do not want their pic on Fb.
    She posts pics on FB every single day, she posts more pics of herself than anyone I know. That isn't why. It was because she thought she looked horrible in this picture (she looked amazing, better than me...but I digress), and she didnt want her ex boyfriend to see a picture where she thought she looked bad in. The funny thing is, the photographer who took that picture posted it publically, tagging her in it! But of course she didn't chastise HIM.

    She sounds like a mess. She also sounds like an emotional vampire. I have no tolerance for this.
    Good description. And the only reason I have any tolerance is because the first year we had a great friendship. I guess it's like any relationship, if it starts out good, you have more of a reason to stick around. But I am definitely pulling back, as much as I can.

    If you don't want to hear about the problems, then shut it down.
    I don't want to be a bad friend though...plus it's kinda hard to completely cut someone out of your life when you have 100 mutual friends and attend the same events.

    Honestly, I do not know why you have continued this. It sounds exhausting.
    Like I said, the friendship started off great, nobody shows their true colors early on. It would have been much easier to distance myself then.

    You sound very co dependent. Stop with the advice and mothering.
    I'm not co-dependent, I just gave her the advice she asked for. I don't know how else to respond to complaints and questions.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    This is a similar pattern with the ex boyfriend from previous threads. The role of the fixer.
    I don't like taking that role...but my ex boyfriend complained about his disease and said that since I am more educated on health that I could find some natural remedies for him. Like my friend asking me for advice, he asked me for help. On literally EVERYTHING. He could barely do his dishes without my help. I am so glad I got out of that relationship, I don't like being put in that role, and I don't like it with my friend either. I want a friend (boyfriend too) who is a grown adult and has their life together, and until then I will be single and distance myself from this friend too.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    You’re so judgmental of her.
    I'm just describing her and the situation to give you a better picture. I could say a bunch of good things about her too but this post is regarding our arguments.

    She’s probably sick of your “better than thou” advice. I don’t blame her!
    How is it "better than thou" to tell a girl to get over a man who quit talking to her with no explanation? (Now I think I know why, lol)
    How is it "better than thou" to remind a friend of the things THEY said they need to do to fix their life?

    If she doesn't like my advice, why does she ask me for it every day? Why doesn't she stop talking to me?

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    I don't like taking that role...but my ex boyfriend complained about his disease and said that since I am more educated on health that I could find some natural remedies for him. Like my friend asking me for advice, he asked me for help. On literally EVERYTHING. He could barely do his dishes without my help. I am so glad I got out of that relationship, I don't like being put in that role, and I don't like it with my friend either. I want a friend (boyfriend too) who is a grown adult and has their life together, and until then I will be single and distance myself from this friend too.
    Good decision. Try to surround yourself with people you like, admire and respect. This mean letting go of toxic relationships and friendships or people you don't like how they are and not dragging these situations.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    You are negative and mopey because you act like her mother and tell her what's wrong with her all the time.
    I don't get the correlation between being mopey and acting like a mother. And i dont tell her what is wrong with her, she tells ME.

    You need friends that you genuinely like right off the bat. you don't like her.
    I DID like her right off the bat, we hit it off and within 10 minutes we added each other on FB. We had a great friendship until she started snapping at me about things and arguing.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    I guess i'm just a problem solver by nature. When I vent to friends and ask for advice, it is because I want a solution. I don't see the point in complaining about something if you aren't going to do something about it.
    OMG I almost choked on my chips.

    You do realize many of us remember who you are right?

    Sorry I had to say that, ok back to my snacks, I wonder how many pages this will go this time

  10. #29
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    I'm just describing her and the situation to give you a better picture. I could say a bunch of good things about her too but this post is regarding our arguments.



    How is it "better than thou" to tell a girl to get over a man who quit talking to her with no explanation? (Now I think I know why, lol)
    How is it "better than thou" to remind a friend of the things THEY said they need to do to fix their life?

    If she doesn't like my advice, why does she ask me for it every day? Why doesn't she stop talking to me?
    Re read the post I quoted - if you can’t see how judgmental (and frankly rude & condescending) you are to her, then there’s nothing any of us can do to help.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    No! Not at all.
    It's not our place to help people better themselves.
    I think that is the biggest reason why I often get flak in this forum...because I like to help people better themselves. It's how everyone is in my circle of festival friends. Why have friends if they aren't going to support you in being a better person?

    Especially those who aren't asking for it.
    She IS asking for it. Almost every day she asks my advice about what to do. It's either "Should I post this in case he reads it?" "Should I go to this psychic?" "Should I show up at his show?" "Should I go on a date with someone even though he might find out?" I'm not even exaggerating, every day that we talk she asks me what to do. It's not even limited to the subject of her ex, she asks me things like "Should I drive to ___ and go to this show?" or "Should I eat this food that's been in my fridge for 5 days?" I don't know how she gets through life without people telling her what to do.

    And extra especially those who are telling you to butt out.
    She only tells me that when she doesn't like the advice I give. If she likes it, we have a great conversation. But she rarely likes it because we are so different, as I'm now finding out.

    An enabler would be adding to it or encouraging it some way. By keeping your hands to yourself, you are not enabling.
    Alright...I guess I had the wrong definition of that word. I just never know what else to say when someone is complaining other than to relate to them and offer a solution. But I can't relate to the whole twin flame thing and I can't relate to being dependent on my parents and I can't relate to being depressed sitting home alone (I NEED to be alone and she can't relate to that and is constantly messaging me or calling me) so yeah, it's crazy how much you learn you are different from your friends when you thought you had so much in common.

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