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Thread: Is she just crazy or am I a bad friend?

  1. #11
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    You are negative and mopey because you act like her mother and tell her what's wrong with her all the time.You need friends that you genuinely like right off the bat. you don't like her.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    Isn't that what friends are for though, to help them better themselves? I don't want to be an enabler. .
    No! Not at all.
    It's not our place to help people better themselves. Especially those who aren't asking for it.
    And extra especially those who are telling you to butt out.

    An enabler would be adding to it or encouraging it some way. By keeping your hands to yourself, you are not enabling.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Stop correcting her. Have a good time with her at festivals, but stop getting so involved in the rest of her life. YOu will feel better.
    I wish I had done this 2 years ago! I just give people the benefit of the doubt that there is more good about them than bad. Of course, it doesn't help when it gets worse after a long time. 2 years ago it was tolerable and now it barely is. I have stopping contacting her first but she still does every day unless she's mad about something. As for festivals though I always go to them separately (because she is always late, sometimes a day late).

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    I'll just reaffirm that her life sucks and there's nothing she can do about it. Just doesn't sound like what a good friend should do though.
    You are joking right?
    I don't think anyone advised that.

    How about you just listen and not say anything?

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    Isn't that what friends are for though, to help them better themselves? I don't want to be an enabler. But I guess...if she wants to stay miserable, I'll let her stay there. I have tried to let things get more casual lately, by only messaging her when she messages me. But it's every day (unless she's pissed off), and i'm not one to just quit talking to somebody.



    I have never once posted a pic of her, she just didn't want her ex boyfriend to see a bad picture of her, that is why she got angry with me that I wanted her to post one.



    Oh I agree. I mean I understand needing someone to vent to but every conversation revolves around her problems and when I talk about my life, she gets judgy and condescending so I have stopped talking about my life with her.



    Well i'm just saying I know how I am and I am not negative and mopey like Eeyore. She does bring so much negative energy to my life though which is why I have started to go off on my own at festivals and hang out with friends who are having fun.



    I know it sounds bad but there isn't much to admire. I mean she's pretty, and I'm always telling her how good she looks (she thrives on attention so I pacify that need). But it's hard to admire a woman in her late 30's who still works for her parents, showers at their house, eats at their house, and argues with them while she's doing it.
    Then why do you have anything to do with her? You judge and do not respect. You are not her friend. She is not yours.

    If everything is about her, then why do you speak to her? I think you get something out of trying to control her, and feel superior.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    A lot of what you said makes so much sense! I guess when I'm venting about things, I want solutions, so I guess when I hear other people doing it, I naturally want to offer solutions. I guess from now on, I'll just reaffirm that her life sucks and there's nothing she can do about it. Just doesn't sound like what a good friend should do though.
    You're not a good friend though. You totally trashed this woman.

    I don't know what you get out of this, other that feeling like you are better.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Then why do you have anything to do with her? You judge and do not respect. You are not her friend. She is not yours.

    If everything is about her, then why do you speak to her? I think you get something out of trying to control her, and feel superior.
    It was the same with the ex boyfriend and all her friends who she says only talk about themselves. But yet she keeps being friends to people she describes bring nothing positive to her life and which she doesn't seem to like (the way she talked about her ex when she was with him all that time, about her festival friends who she said only talked about themselves and were so self centred and now this friend) and even seem to feel contempt.

    OP, I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I'm just noticing a pattern that might be interesting to look in to. My question is, what are you getting of this friendship? What are the good things coming from this friendship? If she's your friend she probably has qualities that made you be her friend and that makes it so that you continue so invested in her after so much time. But if you think she's toxic and that she's not bringing anything of value to your life anymore, and apparently she's fed up with your unsolited advice and asking for photos, maybe it's healthy for you (and her to) to step away. I get the frustration of seeing people we like in destructive paths and feeling powerless, but each person is on their path we have to respect it. So I ask you again, what do you get that is positive out of this friendship? What are qualities in her that you admire and sustained this friendship?

  9. #18
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    Rock,

    You have not heard anything, from anyone. You are just like her!

  10. #19
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Rock,

    You have not heard anything, from anyone. You are just like her!
    Absolutely. Just coming here to complain!

    Funny because this advice is actually solicited

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    The need to be right vs solving the issues has been a prevalent issue on OP's threads but the friend seems messed up though. But yes, I agree you need to not be so invested in her and her life and I bet you'll feel better and more unbothered by her.
    I guess i'm just a problem solver by nature. When I vent to friends and ask for advice, it is because I want a solution. I don't see the point in complaining about something if you aren't going to do something about it.

    Also, this is not an attack on you by any means, as I do get the frustration you're going through, but weren't you that had a sleep disorder that prevented you to get jobs that have "regular" hours and impacting your life significantly? Apparently she has health issues too, yet her health issues make you impatient as they are an inconvenience to you.
    Yeah that is me with the sleep disorder...but it was diagnosed by a sleep specialist. She has not been able to find anything wrong with her, and the issues I mentioned only happen right before she is supposed to be somewhere. and they don't affect me, I just go without her, i'm always there before her anyway (we never ride together). Like one example is just an hour ago she complained to me that she wanted to go rollerskating but she has no motivation to move. Like I wasn't even talking to her and I get this message, "Ugh... this is supposed to be fun but I'm sitting here trying to motivate myself to go skating, sounds like a lot of energy to expend." What am I supposed to say to that, other than something like 'just get up and do it'? Of course if I say anything positive she'll come back with a response like 'I would but it's hard when you feel horrible and you're heartbroken' (very similar to things she has said before).

    I actually think that this situation with your friend is an amazing opportunity for self study, because even though you don't have her problems and seem to live a happier and more funcional life than her, I can see some parallels between her life and some of the things you talked about in your threads, specially when you said you wanted to change your life, like get an online job or something, and everyone kept advising and giving suggestions but you refuted all of them and none of them were valid. Also the whole issue where you thought you knew what was best for your (ex?) boyfriend and what you thought he needed. At the same time you're feeling frustrated because your friend is refuting and not accepting your suggestions. As I said this is an amazing opportunity for reflection.
    But there is a difference, I am taking action to make my life better, she isn't. I joined a program to build an email list for my business and I started building a website. I also have notebooks full of ideas and ways to make money. In contrast, she sits on FB while complaining to me that she needs more money and can't stand sitting around all the time. As for my ex bf, that situation is easy to use blanket statements about though when you can't compare how someone is to how they could have been if the situation had been handled differently. But I have heard from our mutual friend that he seems angry all the time (she works with him).

    I'm not saying either you or her are wrong for not following advice you both don't agree with, but the lesson here is that you (general you) can't change people, they must be willing to change. And the lesson here is that as much as you have the good intention of fixing her life (didn't you also assume the role of the fixer with your ex?)
    I know you can't change someone who doesn't want to change, but she tells me she needs to change but never does more than thinks about it! She is always talking about things she needs to do. How do you respond to someone that tells you 100 times how they need to get another job? So I say something like "Yeah I thought you were gonna do that?" and she'll say "I was before I started to feel like crap!" or "...before he broke my heart!" So I just don't know what to say anymore.

    the best you can do is giving your opinion (if solicited) once and respect that she has to be willing to take action. If she doesn't you either respect it and accept her how she is or you realise the friendship is toxic for you (and it's totally fine to think so as it seems it is) and you step away and stop caring. Don't assume a superiority or a fixer role towards no one because people end up resent you and it's worse. If you care about her as a friend, the best you can do is being there when she needs, but stop trying to fix her life or to make her listen. She might hear some day, but only when she's ready.
    She DOES ask for advice, i'm not just giving it to her unsolicited. But she still doesn't take any action even though the solution is simple...she already knows where she wants to work, her aunt runs the place, she just needs to tell her aunt and start working. But yeah I am just going to have to find something else to say in response and just watch her continue to be miserable.

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