Getting over a narcissistic ex

I moved away from my family and friends in May 2016 to live with him 75 miles away with my kids. A new start he said. He’s look after me he said. I was his soul mate he said. Things changed once the honeymoon period was over! He changed. I left him Oct 2017 having moved into the spare room for the month prior to leaving. He warned me what message that would send him but his behaviour towards me was awful so I needed to get away. I looked for a place to go and I took my two teenage kids with me. I had arranged that I would go back the next night to discuss things and talk about money etc. I never went. We never spoke again. No messages, no calls, no nothing. He never checked we were okay and he moved in with a woman up the road two weeks after we moved out.

I now know having done some work and research that he may well be a narcissist and that I have experienced gaslighting and discarding. I am hurt, confused and angry. I have tried self help, counselling, time and therapy but I cannot seem to get over this trauma. I feel sad that I meant nothing to him, that he never loved me and that he has replaced me so quickly as if I never existed. He is no doubt happier with her and will change for her but why wasn’t I ever enough? How have I been forgotten so easily? We lived as a step family and now we are nothing. his son told my daughter, via one text message that he has a ‘new step sister’. How is this possible? I just cannot make peace with this and it’s ruining my life.

I met someone else but this is impacting on the happiness I could have. I’m so anxious and my self esteem is in bits.

Please does anyone have advice how I can get over this?.... I am desperate to move on from this but nothing is working up till now 😥

The best way to move past this is to take the focus off of him and use that wasted energy you've put into trying to figure him out into yourself.

If he's such a bad guy or a narcissist, why were you attracted to him?

What is about you that he was attracted to? Bad guys and narcissists are attracted to certain types.

Do you fit this description and what can you for yourself that you are not someone's target ever again?

Were there signs? Were there signs you ignored?

You need to take charge and take responsibility for how you ended up like this. It's not all on him. By take charge and challenging yourself you get your self esteem back.

There is very little to be learned by focusing on someone else's behavior.

It becomes a distraction from working on yourself. In the end you end up feeling anxious, unhappy and stuck.

I guess there were signs but I thought I would be the one to change him as he told me ‘I had turned his life upside down’ and ‘I had saved him’.

I was attracted to him as he was confident, funny and seemed so kind and attentive when I first met him.

I am a bit of an empathetic person so I guess I was easy to target :(

I guess there were signs but I thought I would be the one to change him as he told me ‘I had turned his life upside down’ and ‘I had saved him’.

I was attracted to him as he was confident, funny and seemed so kind and attentive when I first met him.

I am a bit of an empathetic person so I guess I was easy to target :(

I can tell you just got all of this off the internet perusing Narcissists sites.

Nothing wrong with that, but you need to spend some time on this and dig a little deeper.

I know because I did the same thing once upon a time.

And I'd be very careful labeling him with a serious personality disorder if it's not the case. All the time trying to come up with answers and filing it in with all of this may all be for nothing.

. . he may very well be a disordered person. He may also have just had a change of heart.

Sometimes if we can pin a scary title on them it makes it more tolerable for those of us that are left behind.

But in the end, much like you just described, it leaves us as nothing more than a perpetual victim.

He's long gone and the only one punishing you at this point, is you.

Choose to be kind to yourself and get back into therapy.

I'm sorry. I know it's hard. But this is on you now. Take care of yourself

Besides, nothing you described, unless you left something out indicates he was an N.

He used to constantly put me down and tell me I was too sensitive and paranoid. If I disagreed with him he’d tell me I was crazy. He told me I was only attractive when I was ‘done up’. He never showed me any affection once we moved in and if he did initiate any intimacy, it was always rough and impersonal.

He never thought he did anything wrong and would say and do hurtful things with the justification that ‘he’s just being honest’. Everything was always my fault and he took pleasure out of telling me how rubbish I was at everything.

A change of heart i can just about cope with but to change that heart to another woman after two weeks is a bit hurtful...

He used to constantly put me down and tell me I was too sensitive and paranoid. If I disagreed with him he’d tell me I was crazy. He told me I was only attractive when I was ‘done up’. He never showed me any affection once we moved in and if he did initiate any intimacy, it was always rough and impersonal.

He never thought he did anything wrong and would say and do hurtful things with the justification that ‘he’s just being honest’. Everything was always my fault and he took pleasure out of telling me how rubbish I was at everything.

A change of heart i can just about cope with but to change that heart to another woman after two weeks is a bit hurtful...

He sounds like nasty piece of work. Thank the woman who has him now.

Advice from my mother:

"Be thankful for her presence, because without her he'd be lurking around your doorstep"

Why are you still allowing him to determine your worth? He's not even around and you are permitting it.

Don't ever give someone that power.

I don’t know why I am even thinking about him! It’s not a conscious choice.... I try to put it out my mind and distract myself but when I’m alone with my own thoughts, it keeps haunting me :(

I don’t know why I am even thinking about him! It’s not a conscious choice.... I try to put it out my mind and distract myself but when I’m alone with my own thoughts, it keeps haunting me :(

If you keep telling yourself you don't have a choice then that's what will transpire. Try telling yourself something different.

I read advise on this once and it made sense. Just trying to stop yourself from a thought is impossible.

*In the absence of that thought, there is nothing.

You need to find something to replace that unwelcomed thought with. Have a tool belt of thoughts and happy places to go to when you are trying to break yourself of this habit.

It takes practice . . .and yes, choices. That and believing you are worth it.

I guess there were signs but I thought I would be the one to change him as he told me ‘I had turned his life upside down’ and ‘I had saved him’.

I was attracted to him as he was confident, funny and seemed so kind and attentive when I first met him.

I am a bit of an empathetic person so I guess I was easy to target :(

This is called co dependency. Look it up. By choosing fixer uppers you get men like this.

Stop trying to change people and choose better partner!

He used to constantly put me down and tell me I was too sensitive and paranoid. If I disagreed with him he’d tell me I was crazy. He told me I was only attractive when I was ‘done up’. He never showed me any affection once we moved in and if he did initiate any intimacy, it was always rough and impersonal.

He never thought he did anything wrong and would say and do hurtful things with the justification that ‘he’s just being honest’. Everything was always my fault and he took pleasure out of telling me how rubbish I was at everything.

A change of heart i can just about cope with but to change that heart to another woman after two weeks is a bit hurtful...

He sounds abusive. So, why did you stay?

Your have almost wasted a 1.5 years of your life on this guy by not moving on. You need to address why you stayed and why you are still attached.

I can tell you just got all of this off the internet perusing Narcissists sites.

Nothing wrong with that, but you need to spend some time on this and dig a little deeper.

 

I know because I did the same thing once upon a time.

 

And I'd be very careful labeling him with a serious personality disorder if it's not the case. All the time trying to come up with answers and filing it in with all of this may all be for nothing.

I agree reinvent except its not for nothing it’s how some attempt to cope.

So you’ve got a double whammy of unhealthy habits happening, diagnosing your ex and rebounding. Ironic thing is selfishly involving an innocent person to use as a crutch to get over an ex is probably one of the most selfish things someone could do. Blaming others and using others isn’t that narcissistic?

See what I did there? Most exes will fall under the category of narcissist or sadist or whatever because when someone hurts us, that slight is magnified. We humans are very self centered beings, that’s what makes this labeling phenomenon so popular.

He used to constantly put me down and tell me I was too sensitive and paranoid. If I disagreed with him he’d tell me I was crazy. He told me I was only attractive when I was ‘done up’. He never showed me any affection once we moved in and if he did initiate any intimacy, it was always rough and impersonal.

He never thought he did anything wrong and would say and do hurtful things with the justification that ‘he’s just being honest’. Everything was always my fault and he took pleasure out of telling me how rubbish I was at everything.

A change of heart i can just about cope with but to change that heart to another woman after two weeks is a bit hurtful...

By detailing all the horrible stuff he said and did instead of making him look bad, I personally, just see a woman with some issues to face. Why else would you have accepted any of this? No judgement, I put up with a lot of sh*t myself, lived and learned.

It sounds like he wasnt a very good partner, I realize you dont feel it now, but he just did you a huge favor.

Take sometime, allow yourself to mourn, allow yourself to work through it naturally and then take charge. DO NOT victimize yourself it'll keep you stuck, you cant change him and convincing yourself you stayed is because hes some master manipulator with a mental disorder will not only keep you stuck but will destine you to repeat your dating habits, work on you, focus on you and most of all love yourself. And for the love of God, be single.

Do you have a social life and friends?

Really selfish to bring another guy into the mix. Deal with your s-it with another therapist.

I agree reinvent except it not for nothing it’s how some attempt to cope.

 

So you’ve got a double whammy of unhealthy habits happening, diagnosing your ex and rebounding! Ironic thing is selfishly involving an innocent person to use as a crutch is probably one of the most selfish things someone could do. Blaming others and using others isn’t that narcissistic?

 

See what I did there? Most exes will fall under the category of narcissist or sadist or whatever because when someone hurts us, that slight is magnified. We humans are very self centered beings, that’s what makes this labeling phenomenon so popular.

If we want to split hairs, everyone is narcissistic to some degree. It's part of being human.

It's when it gets to a higher degree and someone is considered `disordered' that things start to get dicey.

Not arguing with what you wrote. Just adding another angle.

Wow... I guess some of this brutal advice is a wake up call for me.

I don’t have much of a social life as my friends are all married and I don’t want to drag them down.

I was married too but my husband died and so I guess I’ve been a bit lost since. Maybe that’s why I got involved with a wrong man....

as for using people, I’ve never done that in my life and the man involved is aware of all of this and knows that I struggle with what happened.

 

as for using people, I’ve never done that in my life and the man involved is aware of all of this and knows that I struggle with what happened.

Would it be fair to say that this new guy is somewhat of a crutch for you?

Can you fairly say you are present, healthy partner to him?

And if you were in a better place emotionally would you still be with this guy?

Because if you are able to state that you picked the wrong guy before because you felt vulnerable and lost, aren't you still feeling that way today?

I am very sorry about your husband, bytheway. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been.

You should not be dating if you still have feelings for another. Do you always have to have a man in your life?

I suggest you make an effort to make friends. Try Meetups, volunteering, classes, look into hobbies, anything. Your lack of a social life is one of the reasons you stay with crappy men.

You should not be dating if you still have feelings for another. Do you always have to have a man in your life?

 

I suggest you make an effort to make friends. Try Meetups, volunteering, classes, look into hobbies, anything. Your lack of a social life is one of the reasons you stay with crappy men.

I've been through a version of this after a divorce and trying to find my way.

I too dated all the wrong guys and did everything wrong.

The best thing I ever did for myself was to learn to enjoy my own company, be self reliant and cultivate friendships. Once I did that, dating was no longer a priority. And. . getting to this place was a challenge and it didn't happen over night.

At times my life was so full, I didn't know how I would have time for relationship.

Once my happiness was not attached to having a man, I met a good man.

Would it be fair to say that this new guy is somewhat of a crutch for you?

Can you fairly say you are present, healthy partner to him?

And if you were in a better place emotionally would you still be with this guy?

 

Because if you are able to state that you picked the wrong guy before because you felt vulnerable and lost, aren't you still feeling that way today?

 

I am very sorry about your husband, bytheway. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been.

Thank you. I don’t rhink I’ve ever recovered. You have given me some things to think about.

Would it be fair to say that this new guy is somewhat of a crutch for you?

Can you fairly say you are present, healthy partner to him?

And if you were in a better place emotionally would you still be with this guy?

Agree again with reinvent.

Im sorry marmaduke, Im not trying to be brutal, but rather to point out how toxic the road you were going down truly is, I personally think its something people with low self esteem and bad dating habits do to justify their actions, but the mindset allows you to take no ownership, again allowing you to keep repeating the same mistakes on top of allow one to stay stuck. The truth is, again to me, a persons time is going to be SO MUCH better spent tacking their own demons.

And you dont see what youre doing as wrong because you havent been looking outside of yourself. You view yourself as a victim and while in that mindset, youre doing whatever to make yourself to feel good because well you deserve it or well theyre doing it so I should too.

Thank you. I don’t rhink I’ve ever recovered. You have given me some things to think about.

I'm glad. This is where it begins

The best way to move past this is to take the focus off of him and use that wasted energy you've put into trying to figure him out into yourself.

 

If he's such a bad guy or a narcissist, why were you attracted to him?

What is about you that he was attracted to? Bad guys and narcissists are attracted to certain types.

Do you fit this description and what can you for yourself that you are not someone's target ever again?

Were there signs? Were there signs you ignored?

 

You need to take charge and take responsibility for how you ended up like this. It's not all on him. By take charge and challenging yourself you get your self esteem back.

 

There is very little to be learned by focusing on someone else's behavior.

It becomes a distraction from working on yourself. In the end you end up feeling anxious, unhappy and stuck.

I agree. Many people (and I've done it too!) get too focus in trying to analyse the other person and trying to understand why they did what they did instead of taking control and think about why they allowed themselves to be wrapped up in such dynamics and how we can avoid it in the future. When me and an who was abusive to me, I've read all the online material there was about narcissists, sociopaths and abusers, only to later realising that my time shouldn't be wasted trying to analyse or diagnose him through online websites, but to take a deep look at myself and think about what made me stay in such relationship.

I know it's somewhat comforting to read about narcissists and have this sense of closure/relief of "Oh, he was a narcissist, so that explains why and there was nothing I could have done!", but in the long run this is not productive and useful. Also, narcissists, sociopaths and etc are rare and many times we're falsely diagnosing people who might be simply selfish jerks.

NPD is so toxic.