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Thread: S/O cheated while I was in jail on multiple occasions. Am I to blame?

  1. #1

    S/O cheated while I was in jail on multiple occasions. Am I to blame?

    Ok so long story short.Ive done a couple of medium length jail bids since late 2014.Specifically Nov. 2014-Feb 2015,Aug. 2015-May 2016,June 2016 July 2016-July 2016,September 2016-Feb. 2017,and Aug.2018-Oct.2018I know it seems like allot but most of them were for stupid probation violations for dirty urines and things like that. I've been with my wife since I was 12 yr old I'm now 25 she's 27 and we have 3 daughters together. Pretty much every time I left I gave her an out and told her she could leave if she wanted, especially before the Sept 2016-Feb 2017 bid. I begged her to leave me before she cheats because I just found out before that she cheated when I was away for 3 weeks during June 2016. Every time she told me no I love you I'll Never leave you I dont care if you had life your my world and all of that good stuff.I Never really found anything crazy out until I came home July 2016 after 3 weeks when I seen a guy blocked on her Facebook that I knew but didn't think she even knew he existed. I asked her. She said he wouldn't leave her alone while I was away so she blocked him out of respect for me. Well I confronted the kid for coming at my wife after beIN turned down multiple times.turne out I was wrong. 2 days after I left she started liking all his pictures,he noticed so he messaged her. 2 weeks later she's having sex with him on my couch in my living room,on the eve of Father's day also,and my kids woke up to a strange man in mommy's bed on what was supposed to be Father's day. I forgave her for it. So that's why I stressed for her to leave mre when I went back in Sept cuz I didn't want to feel that pain again. She assured me things would be fine. Fast forward I come home. Thing are great for about 6 months until I notice a number texting her phone every day multiple times and she didn't reply.long story short it was a male nurse she worked with at her hospital and according to our cell phone records. She started texting him 3 days after I left and it never stopped until the day before I got released. They both deny any physical contact outside of a few kisses before leaving work. They said their schedules jus didn't match up and never got together. So I went on her google account history and I found searches like "why are male nurses always so.horny", "best way to give a blowjob",and "something sexually dirty to say to someone". And "porn" now I had no idea that my wife would ever watch porn everytime she found porn on my browser history she called me back pervert and scum an while I was gone she was looking It up a few times a week.i jus don't understand why it feels like I don even know this girl who is Makin these searches.domt get me wrong we really do have great sex but she's never went that above and beyond to make sure that its great.Now all that is this. My wife is not what I consider an overly sexual person. She doesn't shoot me sexy texts during the day she doesn't rlly talk about sex in an excplicit manner or anything like that. She gives me head but she let's it known she dont like to do it and I almost always have to do something to her first to get her revved up to want to do it. And lastly never in our long relationship have we sexted each other. I may have gotten a handful of naked photos through the years but I've had to ask for every single one. She's never texted me saying what she wants to do to me or me to her or anything like that. Then why would she step out of her comfort zone for him. Even tho we been together since kids we both have had multiple other partners through high school and the blowjob search really hit my heart because it took a long time to get her to do that to me on a regular basis. It feels more intimate to me than sex and she doesn't jus go around blowing anybody. But the betrayal comes from how she knows I would feel if I found out she gave. Him a blowjob. That would hurt worse than sex. And mostly everyone including her and my own family say that I deserved it all and I did it to myself an all that. Is that true? Do I deserve it? Or did she cross the line after she vowed to stay faithful just weeks after being caught unfaithful before. Then the last time I went away from Aug 2018 to Oct 2018 I found out that she went to the bar drinking almost every weekend I was gone which wouldn't be a problem but she didn't tell me while I was gone. And I haven't been out to the bar with my wife in years. It seem like she only goes out when I'm not home. Like when I leave she is a whole different person.i left august 14 she was at the bar till 4 in the morning by the 18th. Am I crazy or is she taking the freedom a little too far. I'd like to go out an have fun with her. But I have no choice but to think she dont take me out because she cant do what she usually does when she out if I'm there. It just hurts. I have a drug problem I'm not just some criminal. And I've always been faithful to her and love her so much. I jus want her to do the same. But going and pretty much fishing to cheat 2-3 days after I leave is a little much. Please give me some help or advice. I have no friends or family to go to and this eats me up inside.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Paragraphs please if you want replies.. It's almost impossible to read such a massive wall of text. Thanks.

  3. #3
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    To be honest, your cheating wife is the least of your problems. When you ask if you deserve it... all of us are responsible for our own actions. She, and she alone, is responsible for her cheating ways. You are not to blame.

    However - you, and you alone, are responsible for your drug problem and your probation violations. While you are not to blame for your wife's actions, you have set yourself up with a lifestyle which means that no quality woman would want anything to do with you.

    And that IS your responsibility.

    The good news is that you can do something about it. There's nothing you can do about her; she's going to continue to lie and cheat for as long as she's in a relationship with you. But you can take steps to deal with your drug problem (with support), move away from the lifestyle which keeps you hooked into it, and move away from a lifestyle which involves her.

    Other than that... if you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've always got...

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Incarceration is grounds for divorce. She should have done that rather than "cheat".
    Originally Posted by phillyboyty
    Ok so long story short.Ive done a couple of medium length jail bids since late 2014.Specifically Nov. 2014-Feb 2015,Aug. 2015-May 2016,June 2016 July 2016-July 2016,September 2016-Feb. 2017,and Aug.2018-Oct.2018I know it seems like allot but most of them were for stupid probation violations for dirty urines and things like that.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    OK, I just skimmed that wall of text, but here's some advice.

    People need companionship to stay in love - since you were in jail and could not be there for her, her love level went down (and maybe out?). Long distance relationships have the same problem.

    When this happens, some people divorce, and some people cheat. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, this is just how relationships and marriage works, and what people do.

    Some people can survive cheating and keep the marriage together, and some others can't. Again, there is not right or wrong here, it's just the way it works, reality. Even if you can save it, it's going to take you a long time to recover.

    And sometimes you need to divorce. Good luck to you.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Op: I think you should just be glad she keeps taking you back into her bed. There aren't too many women out there that would tolerate someone who is thrown in the slammer as a lifestyle.

  8. #7
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    there is probably a lot more to this story from her side than we all know.
    The truth is you've been to jail 5X in 4-5 yrs... and that in a way is very selfish. Endangering and putting your wife and family through that because you can't stay within the rules.

    Put that way.. I don't know that she's right to cheat or lie to you.
    But you were not right to put her in a situation where she coldn't rely on a husband being there for her.

    Both sides are wrong.
    Nobody is right here.

  9. #8
    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    To be honest, your cheating wife is the least of your problems. When you ask if you deserve it... all of us are responsible for our own actions. She, and she alone, is responsible for her cheating ways. You are not to blame.

    However - you, and you alone, are responsible for your drug problem and your probation violations. While you are not to blame for your wife's actions, you have set yourself up with a lifestyle which means that no quality woman would want anything to do with you.

    And that IS your responsibility.

    The good news is that you can do something about it. There's nothing you can do about her; she's going to continue to lie and cheat for as long as she's in a relationship with you. But you can take steps to deal with your drug problem (with support), move away from the lifestyle which keeps you hooked into it, and move away from a lifestyle which involves her.

    Other than that... if you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've always got...
    Thank you for the reply. Most of what you said is right. We are responsible for only ourselves. But the last part about setting myself up to where no quality woman would want me i have a discrepancy with. While the statement itself is true. The way you meant it was not.
    I have been with her since 12 years of age. I have had her long before I ever had a drug problem and besides the cheating she is a pretty good quality person who has a great job her own car,house,bank accounts and all that. So it's not like I picked her up somewhere on my drug runs. This is a decent woman who to my knowledge hasn't done anything outside our relationship if I was not in jail and doing right. And I cant give up everything about her because we have 3 kids. She loves me and she does everything and anything for me. It's jus like when I leave something kicks on in her head and she cheats.

  10. #9
    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    OK, I just skimmed that wall of text, but here's some advice.

    People need companionship to stay in love - since you were in jail and could not be there for her, her love level went down (and maybe out?). Long distance relationships have the same problem.

    When this happens, some people divorce, and some people cheat. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, this is just how relationships and marriage works, and what people do.

    Some people can survive cheating and keep the marriage together, and some others can't. Again, there is not right or wrong here, it's just the way it works, reality. Even if you can save it, it's going to take you a long time to recover.

    And sometimes you need to divorce. Good luck to you.
    Yes people do fall out of love. But since u said u only skimmed you might have missed the part that she begins to cheat within days of me being locked up. But never threatened to leave me and never cheated while I've been home before. Which is why it's hard

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
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    If the advantages of your existing situation outweigh the disadvantages, there's no need for any change and I apologise for giving you advice.

    The short answer to your initial question, "Am I to blame?" is that no, you aren't responsible for her actions.

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