Workaholic

My Boyfriend of 2 years began to plow parking lots of snow. I begged him not to take the job because I knew he would always be busy. Now he is canceling plans 3+ times a week for us to see each other. We both work during the day all we had was nights now we don’t have that. I feel so lonely I’m going crazy. I keep lashing out at him when he texts me “sorry I have to plow tonight.” Am I in the wrong for being so upset?

Engagement rings don't pay for themselves. Be supportive. Winter doesn't last forever.

If work always comes first to him I don’t know if I want an engagement ring anymore he missed 4 very important appointments for us.

If work always comes first to him I don’t know if I want an engagement ring anymore he missed 4 very important appointments for us.

What were those appointments?

Why are you labeling a hard worker as a "workaholic?" A workaholic is someone who is compelled to work all the time -it's compulsive -and typically not at menial labor. Of course work should be a top priority in his life if he is not independently wealthy and if he has a work ethic. It's normal and admirable. He also should behave in a reliable way so if he makes a plan -not a tentative plan "depending on work" he should keep the plan. Ask him to please let you know if the plan is conditioned on getting work to do so you can react accordingly.

It's also fine if you want a relationship with someone who works regular hours 9 to 5 and not weekend -or a total of 40 hours a week. I know very few people -especially men of working age -who are financially stable and can limit their working hours in this way. I was never in a serious relationship with someone who had that kind of schedule. And I haven't had a typical 9 to 5 schedule since I was in my 20s, almost 30 years ago. And I am not a workaholic and neither is my husband. Again it truly is your decision -if you want someone who puts making a living and working hard at a lower priority level that's fine and you'll accept the typical downsides of that choice because it will be worth it to you.

What were those appointments?

He couldn't meet up easily this week, but this isn't a history of events. Are you unable to occupy yourself with friends, work, family? Your own hobbies and interests?

We have been trying to become pregnant. The last few appointments I went to, I told him a month in advance. I go to the office thinking he was going to come and he never showed. I didn’t get a reason till 2 hours after the appointment had ended.

I am able to, but we make plans so I set aside any other things and he ends up canceling.

Unfortunately, I'm fairly sure he can't start and stop the snow at his will. Be upset he's plowing if that's how you want to feel. However, you take it or leave it from there. While he is plowing, it should be treated as him being on-call, and thus dates are gonna be canceled, potentially often, if scheduled during a snowy week or winter in general. Failure to accept and accommodate that is on you, not him. Treat your "important appointments" as the same. When he doesn't have to plow and when you're both feeling it, get sweaty in bed then.

IMO he's not a work alcoholic, he's working for your future....engagement ring, wedding, mortgage, babies, you being off work to raise babies, costs a lot of money. He's trying to be a good provider...get it? This is real life, and it's no picnic with all those responsibilities.

You should get a life or hobby outside of your relationship to keep yourself busy. If he is working, invite some friends over for a movie night, or go out for dinner with friends or family...keep busy. Everything will fall into place.

I'm confused. Are you undergoing fertility treatments or other special doctor appointments in the hopes of being able to conceive? What are these appointments?

Maybe I'm missing something but he sounds like a keeper who is working extra now so there can be a secure future.

Tell him Thank You from me. He's one of those fine guys who go out in freezing crappy weather doing hard work so that people can go where they need to go safely.

My husband was snow plowing two winters prior. Can't this year. But trust me, being in the grueling snow is not because you aren't a priority. It's probably cuz you are the number one priority. Fertility treatments aren't cheap. Either are babies.

Try to make plans with others and friends and family when it snows. Or take up a hobby. Or a class.

My Boyfriend of 2 years began to plow parking lots of snow. I begged him not to take the job because I knew he would always be busy. Now he is canceling plans 3+ times a week for us to see each other. We both work during the day all we had was nights now we don’t have that. I feel so lonely I’m going crazy. I keep lashing out at him when he texts me “sorry I have to plow tonight.” Am I in the wrong for being so upset?

Wow, he's out freezing his @@@ off to make a living by clearing snow off the roads and you're hurt that he missed appointments? He doesn't get to decide when the snow arrives.

Being lonely is really not his problem. It is yours.

If you are undergoing fertility treatments, maybe postpone them until winter is over.

Wow, he's out freezing his @@@ off to make a living by clearing snow off the roads and you're hurt that he missed appointments? He doesn't get to decide when the snow arrives.

 

Being lonely is really not his problem. It is yours.

 

If you are undergoing fertility treatments, maybe postpone them until winter is over.

I agree with this and other responses. This guy is working hard to earn money and you are complaining about it. Winter does not last forever, plowing pays well where I live, so I understand why someone would do that. You need to be able to occupy yourself when he's at work. You come across as selfish, tho you probably dont mean to.

My Boyfriend of 2 years began to plow parking lots of snow. I begged him not to take the job because I knew he would always be busy. Now he is canceling plans 3+ times a week for us to see each other. We both work during the day all we had was nights now we don’t have that. I feel so lonely I’m going crazy. I keep lashing out at him when he texts me “sorry I have to plow tonight.” Am I in the wrong for being so upset?

I agree this seems a silly thing to be upset about

I'm going to pile it on as well. Sorry OP, but this guy is working hard to earn some money and provide for you and your future. Winter is temporary. I know how hard it is and can be with busy schedules and opposite schedule. There's someone that posted about this just recently, like the past day or so. I was dating a guy who worked nights, and we really only had one night a week where we were both off, but me used to early mornings and him being up all night, it just wasn't working. I dated another guy who was super busy with his kids and their activities plus our jobs and the fact we really couldn't spend time together when he had his kids. I had to think pretty hard if this was going to work for me. I liked him enough that it was hopeful that child introductions could be made, which would open up some time, just when? This relationship ultimately didn't work out, though. He really wanted more casual.

I don't think you're necessarily wrong for being upset, but I think it's important to talk yourself down from this. It's not the end of the world, and again, the snow won't last forever. Maybe during this busy time, resolve yourself to the fact you're probably going to do a lot of hanging out and watching TV. When his schedule opens up and the weather gets nicer, you can go out more and do stuff. Just be patient. No more lashing out...or curb this. You aren't going to make him want to make the time if you give him flack all the time.

I don't understand why you need him at your appointments. Outside of the ultrasound, my husband (ex) didn't accompany me, nor did he come along to the pediatric visits, though I did offer to him to let me know if he wanted to come to those. He was bringing home the bacon, and if he was to use up vacation time, a vacation or using the money for sick time were better choices in my mind. I can understand needing a companion when there are trying times and issues, but at the same time, why does he need to be there with your legs in the stirrups? If you need the emotional support, is there anyone else who can accompany you?

I guess the bottom line is "this too shall pass."

Taking on extra work and dealing with finances are a decision that should be weighed by both partners. One partner determining what is best for both is inconsiderate and not conducive to good relationship building.

I empathise with you. Sounds like it's his way or the highway. Maybe you should tell him to take the highway, and take his plow with him.

Jayzuz people it's 2019. It's time for the men to stop telling their women to stay home barefoot and pregnant while they go out into the big bad world and make the money.

We have been trying to become pregnant. The last few appointments I went to, I told him a month in advance.

 

I go to the office thinking he was going to come and he never showed. I didn’t get a reason till 2 hours after the appointment had ended.

It sounds a bit like he may feel uncomfortable attending these appointments with you.

Have you asked him?

I guess I'm the odd "man" out, but I think to just not show up is rude, working or not. Especially since he knew about these appointments a month in advance.

That said, I'm wondering what's really bothering you?

Are you thinking or afraid perhaps he's not just "plowing" snow?

How is everything else in your relationship going?

If he were "on call" certainly he could explain that and say, "I'm sorry babe, I'm on call and it's possible I may not be able to make it."

And then if/when he gets a call, text you immediately and tell you rather than leave you hanging waiting there and then not show.

Again I think that's rude and inconsiderate and suspect there's more going on here other than him plowing snow and not showing up for scheduled appointments.