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Should I make a visit to his home, like a "ghostbuster"?


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In one of my posts, I spoke about being ghosted after about 4 years, and after being told by him he would call me the next day. Well, it's been almost a month and I've never heard from him and it's hard to move on. On some days I find myself in a state of disbelief, thinking he would not do this, maybe he will call, scouring the obits to see if he is actually dead, googling to see if he was in an accident, had a stroke, and on and on until I am physically exhausted, on the verge of tears, not sleeping and trying to figure out how to move on. Other times I think this is his sadistic, manipulation of me, just like he's behaved before after all of our other disagreements when he would not talk to me for days, and he would love it if I just reached out to him as usual, trying to work things out.

 

So I really would like to move on; but my question is, since I have tried to call him like the idiot I am, and he did not answer, would it be just terrible if I went to his home just to see that he really is alive, that nothing happened to him and to confirm the fact that he is just too horrible to tell me goodbye? He lives about an hour away and I know this sounds desperate but this is really hard. And yes - I am starting therapy. I just believe I could move on if I could confirm that he is really as bad as his actions indicate. I just feel like something is missing inside and I am stuck.

 

 

All responses are welcome. Help!

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Don't do it. You broke up. Never stalk or trespass. You won't like the results. He could...be with someone or tells you it's over or to get lost or has you arrested or files a restraining order against you. However do drive over to a therapist's office and start unpacking your feelings and getting some support. If he wanted to be with you he would not have ghosted or broken up.

would it be just terrible if I went to his home just to see that he really is alive, that nothing happened to him and to confirm the fact that he is just too horrible to tell me goodbye? He lives about an hour away and I know this sounds desperate but this is really hard.
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Other times I think this is his sadistic, manipulation of me, just like he's behaved before after all of our other disagreements when he would not talk to me for days, and he would love it if I just reached out to him as usual, trying to work things out.

 

...I mean....don't you think you've wasted enough of your life on this abusive jerk? How many more years do you want to waste? I'm glad you have an appointment with a therapist coming up. I hope you start to explore why you put up with abuse and keep going back for more. Why do you so desperately seek approval from such a low life? Think about it - you want an abusive jerk to suddenly change and behave like a decent, sane, normal human being. If you want that, you need to date a guy who is already all those things. Don't expect a snake to act like a puppy dog.

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Though I have never ghosted anyone, I have had ex's show up on my door step months later, distraught and much like you describe.

 

I can give you a possible insight to his reaction:

He will feel unsafe. Your actions will appear a little unhinged and impulsive and he'll lose respect for you.

 

Ask yourself what the best outcome you could hope to come out of this move.

He throws himself in your arms and asks your forgiveness? Seriously, you need to ask yourself if you'd want anything to do with someone if they could turn their back on you so easily, because he's capable of doing it again. Not to mention: his sadistic, manipulation of me,

 

I know you are struggling and we've all had these thoughts.

I am glad you came here to flush them out, but please care enough about yourself to not act on them. Because he apparently does not.

 

Hang in there. This will pass.

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Please do not go anywhere near his home. From your past history you know he is most likely OK. And if you truly were a couple of course someone who knows both of you would tell you about something tragic like that. Do not justify invading his personal space because you think something tragic happened.

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Don’t do it. You know it’s a little cray or you wouldn’t have posted (lol!). Trust me when I say that this is one of those things where you will be glad you kept your self-respect in a few months when the pain subsides.

 

In terms of whether he’s still alive, etc - i assure you he is. He’s fine. If you were dating for 4 years, you have presumably met his friends and family. One of them most certainly would have found a way to track you down if that happened. (And if you didn’t know his friends and family after 4 years, that’s a red flag on it’s own).

 

Unfortunately, you have your answer (in the most cruel way possible, I agree). His silence is your answer. And his methods tell you everything you need to know about his character. Can you imagine being married to or having kids with someone like this?! He gets upset and just takes off without saying a word? This is not someone you should want to try to build a future with.

 

I think that one of the hardest parts of some breakups - beyond the obvious loss - is that sometimes you learn things about your (ex) partner that you didn’t realize before and you question who that person even was. This guy was not the awesome guy you thought he was. If he couldn’t talk to you about this, there was probably a whole host of things he was hiding - and his solution is to run away. You can’t build a relationship with that. You just can’t.

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It's over, you do not need to check to see if he is alive. Do not call, don't consider his weasel words to "call you the next day" as some kind of contract. It was merely an awkward way to end the conversation.

 

Again, you do not want to embarrass yourself by contacting him. Move on.

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I feel your pain. I think it’s best to bring the attention back to YOU. No more wasting time on him.

 

He acted in a way that wasn’t deserving of your love and attention, and I hope you can see that. Even if he showed up at this moment and profusely apologized, you’ve got to think: Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has a pattern of doing this to you? It’s time to cut your losses. I’m glad you are starting therapy— this is the kind of care you deserve to give yourself.

 

Sending you thoughts of healing. It’s very difficult now but you will get through this!!!

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scouring the obits to see if he is actually dead, googling to see if he was in an accident,

 

Me too summer ..... I nearly went mad with grief and worry , I cannot express how much distress this caused me and I cannot express how much I know what you are going through ...

 

Imagine stood there on his doorstep and he is looking at and you treating you like sh1t and as the others said ..a crazy lady ....all that way for him to dismiss you like you are nothing .

 

He is ok my darling , he just didn't have the balls to end it , he doesn't deserve you going all that way ..you will I promise you , get over this xx

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Me too summer ..... I nearly went mad with grief and worry , I cannot express how much distress this caused me and I cannot express how much I know what you are going through ...

 

Imagine stood there on his doorstep and he is looking at and you treating you like sh1t and as the others said ..a crazy lady ....all that way for him to dismiss you like you are nothing .

 

He is ok my darling , he just didn't have the balls to end it , he doesn't deserve you going all that way ..you will I promise you , get over this xx

 

Same.

 

If you just have to know, check his social media, if hes posted, changed his profile picture anything recently, you have your answer, and while emotionally risky its not nearly as devastating as driving to his house.

 

I get feeling you literally cant breathe because you need some reprieve so if you cannot function without something, check his social media, nothing more.

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Good point! Yes I know it's weird and I have never even considered doing something so irrational, it's just that he has taken me to this point. So I am breathing and remembering what a jerk he has truly been and trying to take it a day at a time. it's clear that as you've said - this is a learning experience - about him, about me and who knows what else was really going on.

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You dated for 4 years and know friends and family. If he had died or had an accident someone would've already told you. I'm very sorry for what you're going through, it's devastating. Don't give this selfish jerk the benefit of labelling you as "the crazy ex" to his future victims. You know the truth, but I know at this time it hurts a lot and it's a common stage being on denial and hopeful this is just a misunderstanding or that there's a reason for this.

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I keep thinking about this summer ..... not that I want you to turn up , I don't ..it makes me cringe to think of him having you stood there bless you ..and him just casting you off like you are nothing.

But ...it is odd and very cruel after 4 years ...!!!

 

I saw you say he wasn't on social media ..are his friends , his family . I do feel like you need to have your mind put at rest over this but I just don't know how . I feel sure as Annia said , that someone would have contacted you if something had happened .

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I do have the phone numbers of some of his family members which he gave to me during the early stages of our relationship to use in the event of an emergency. I guess I haven't called them because I am too embarrassed. If he has indeed, "dumped" me, I thought the explanation should come from him, rather than involving his family. Wouldn't that appear that I am trying to garner sympathy or involve his family in his shenanigans?

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I do have the phone numbers of some of his family members which he gave to me during the early stages of our relationship to use in the event of an emergency. I guess I haven't called them because I am too embarrassed. If he has indeed, "dumped" me, I thought the explanation should come from him, rather than involving his family. Wouldn't that appear that I am trying to garner sympathy or involve his family in his shenanigans?

 

Hon, I don’t think pippy is saying call his family, I think she’s saying since you’ve been with him for so long if something happened to him they would have said something to you

 

To add to that, that’s the reality Audrey. Part of me wonders how serious all this was, was this an online only relationship? FWB? Nonjudgement at all, it’s just after 5 years your life intertwined in some way ya know? The lack of knowledge of his life combined with the distance between you two and his disappearing acts and no social media... there are some definite red flags here.

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I agree fio, something's not jiving quite right.

 

I mean let's think about this, you're in a long term committed relationship for many years -- four years to be exact.

 

Suddenly, your partner doesn't come home one night and/or doesn't contact you, not responding to your texts, essentially disappears/goes missing..

 

I can't speak for others, but I'd be frantic!

 

Unless he had a history of disappearing and returning (which I'd never tolerate in the first place -- I'd have ended it after the first time), but assumimg he did not have a history of doing this, I'd be frantic, and would contact his family -- "hey Xxxxx didn't come home last night, not responding to my texts, have you heard from him"?

 

The last thing I'd be thinking is he ghosted, after four years in a committed relationship?

 

Why go there? Unless again he has a history of this or your RL isn't quite as solid and committed as you thought it was.

 

We hear about this crap all the time on the news, long term partners/spouses going missing.

 

It starts with the partner reporting them missing after contacting family, then the entire family starts worrying.

 

Sadly, it often doesn't turn out well, something untoward and tragic has happened to them. More so when a woman goes missing, but men too.

 

But yet you are "embarrassed" to ask his family??? In case he has ghosted you?

 

This leads me to conclude you are not actually worried about him, you KNOW he's okay. Probably because he has a history of this, yet you keep accepting him back only to have him disappear again!

 

This is your dance together -- he gets bored, antsy, meets someone else or starts feeling "boxed in," disappears, you chase him down, he eventually returns, lather rinse repeat.

 

Why do you continue to do this to yourself?

 

He's fine. Let him be gone and stay gone!

 

Sadly however, if and when he turns up, a week, a month, a year, whenever, you will probably take him back, once again.

 

I hope you don't Summer, he's a selfish POS and I don't describe men this way very often on here.

 

You deserve better! Do you not think so?

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I do have the phone numbers of some of his family members which he gave to me during the early stages of our relationship to use in the event of an emergency. I guess I haven't called them because I am too embarrassed. If he has indeed, "dumped" me, I thought the explanation should come from him, rather than involving his family. Wouldn't that appear that I am trying to garner sympathy or involve his family in his shenanigans?

 

But have you met his family during your relationship? If something happened couldn't they simply reached to you, his 4 year girlfriend and say something? I agree that you should not involve the family in this.

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I agree fio, something's not jiving quite right.

 

I mean let's think about this, you're in a long term committed relationship for many years -- four years to be exact.

 

Suddenly, your partner doesn't come home one night and/or doesn't contact you, not responding to your texts, essentially disappears/goes missing..

 

I can't speak for others, but I'd be frantic!

 

Unless he had a history of disappearing and returning (which I'd never tolerate in the first place -- I'd have ended it after the first time), but assumimg he did not have a history of doing this, I'd be frantic, and would contact his family -- "hey Xxxxx didn't come home last night, not responding to my texts, have you heard from him"?

 

The last thing I'd be thinking is he ghosted, after four years in a committed relationship?

 

Why go there? Unless again he has a history of this or your RL isn't quite as solid and committed as you thought it was.

 

We hear about this crap all the time on the news, long term partners/spouses going missing.

 

It starts with the partner reporting them missing after contacting family, then the entire family starts worrying.

 

Sadly, it often doesn't turn out well, something untoward and tragic has happened to them. More so when a woman goes missing, but men too.

 

But yet you are "embarrassed" to ask his family??? In case he has ghosted you?

 

This leads me to conclude you are not actually worried about him, you KNOW he's okay. Probably because he has a history of this, yet you keep accepting him back only to have him disappear again!

 

This is your dance together -- he gets bored, antsy, meets someone else or starts feeling "boxed in," disappears, you chase him down, he eventually returns, lather rinse repeat.

 

Why do you continue to do this to yourself?

 

He's fine. Let him be gone and stay gone!

 

Sadly however, if and when he turns up, a week, a month, a year, whenever, you will probably take him back, once again.

 

I hope you don't Summer, he's a selfish POS and I don't describe men this way very often on here.

 

You deserve better! Do you not think so?

 

Good points.

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