Regret..

I will turn 20 years old in a few days. This is a writing of my thoughts, it's not really in order so just bear with me here please. I'm sorry. I just wanna hug her and tell her that I'm sorry for not doing anything to confess my feelings for her. I feel like everyday goes by, my soul keeps dying more and more. I just feel dead with no purpose. In adolesence I wasn't really accepted and loved for who I truly was so over-time I learnt how to supress my true-self and be something that I'm not just to fit in which so far I think was the biggest mistake of my life. About this girl, I fell in love with her the first time I saw her and to this day I haven't had the courage to tell her how I truly feel about her even if in 1 year and a half she has showed interest multiple times. Along with this, I don't have the courage to step up and do anything. I am terrified of being vulnerable and true to someone. She is from my class. I don't care about partying and meeting girls. There is this feeling of regret that has taken over me and it's horrible, unbearable. Today I have just cried for multiple hours straight. The thought that I was never able to be in love and just live I feel like I truly live are killing me on the inside. I know she won't be perfect. I have neglected my feelings for so many years that I don't even know who I truly am as a person. There's been years since I've truly been able to relax and let go. At the same time I don't wanna look pathetic in front of her. I have become someone who I am not. In reality I don't give a about how others think. I would be ready to risk everything to be with her, I just don't find the strength to do it. I don't have the strength to truly go for the girl that I really like or to follow my heart and live the life I wanna live. Any other activity I do, I feel like it's just a way of distracting myself from what I truly want, which is being with her. I regret everything so much. I have very low self-esteem along with scars on my body and I just felt like I don't deserve her. She looked like she was so confident and comfortable with herself and just scared the hell out of me. I don't know what to do. I'm writing this crying from my room. I'm sorry and hopeless and dead on the inside. I regret it so much...

You really could use some therapy, your negative outlook on everything you've written here is bringing you down and making you a miserable person. Please get some counseling and learn how to live your life in an authentic way. There's no need for you to be the way you are.

Agree some therapy and seeing a doctor for a check up would help. Unfortunately this has been going on for quite a while: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=550128&p=6994094&viewfull=1#post6994094