No contact is so hard!

Hi guys,

I am on Day 6 no contact. We mutually broke up 2 months ago and had been in contact over Christmas. I met up with him briefly last week to collect my Christmas gifts, thinking that would draw a line under everything and closure would be mine. This week has been a lot better in the sense that I do feel I got a bit of closure and I haven't been thinking of him obsessively, but today is a different matter. I feel a mug for having confided in him about private things during our relationship, putting so much into him all for nothing now that we don't speak. This radio silence is absolutely deafening. When we met last week, he told me I wasn't a priority anymore. This hurt, and was an unnecessary thing to say (I would never say something so cruel to someone I've just broken up with, especially if they are sensitive). However, he also told me he missed me and that I deserve all the happiness in the world. It's confusing.

It is so difficult and I'm hoping you guys can talk me down from the ledge. What makes it even more hard is not hearing from him. I know NC is the best way for me to go, as whenever we are in contact, I am hurt and feel the contact is dreadfully unsatisfying because he's pretty unemotional. He hasn't stood up for me when I've needed him to. He's chosen sh*tty housemates over me on numerous occasions so I know the loneliness of being on my own is not a million miles away from the loneliness of being in a relationship with him, but I miss him being around and his company. Having someone to cuddle and kiss and to have dinners with. When will my heart stop breaking? It's so painful and I just want to reach out to him, but I know that's the worse thing I could do. xx

Don't run back to what broke you.

He was bad to you. Telling you that you're not a priority anymore, just proves what kind of jerk he is. You don't need someone like that.

Everyone goes through a period where they are sad and lonely after a break up and all you can remember are the good things and feel like you've lost someone great.

But he wasn't great and it's all being skewed in your mind due to you feeling lonely.

He was a jerk to you and even though you can't see it now, you are most definitely better off without him.

It will take time to heal, it does for everyone. The fact that he remains cold, again shows what kind of man he is. You don't want someone like that.

Allow yourself something better.

Now that you've closed that door, you've opened the possibility of opening a new door, a better door.

You just have to have patience.

Things won't stay like this forever. You will continue to move forward and things will slowly get better.

Try to spend time with family or friends, listen to music that makes you feel happy, not sad music.

Be gentle with yourself. Take a warm bath, take naps when you need to, remind yourself that you're worth more than he could give you.

He didn't deserve you.

Don't run back to what broke you.

 

He was bad to you. Telling you that you're not a priority anymore, just proves what kind of jerk he is. You don't need someone like that.

 

Everyone goes through a period where they are sad and lonely after a break up and all you can remember are the good things and feel like you've lost someone great.

But he wasn't great and it's all being skewed in your mind due to you feeling lonely.

He was a jerk to you and even though you can't see it now, you are most definitely better off without him.

 

It will take time to heal, it does for everyone. The fact that he remains cold, again shows what kind of man he is. You don't want someone like that.

Allow yourself something better.

Now that you've closed that door, you've opened the possibility of opening a new door, a better door.

You just have to have patience.

Things won't stay like this forever. You will continue to move forward and things will slowly get better.

 

Try to spend time with family or friends, listen to music that makes you feel happy, not sad music.

Be gentle with yourself. Take a warm bath, take naps when you need to, remind yourself that you're worth more than he could give you.

He didn't deserve you.

Thank you so much Sherry. Your words are so therapeutic! I feel like my soul has just been on a spa day reading them! You're right that my perception is completely skewed by loneliness, and the reality is that I felt dreadfully lonely and neglected towards the end of the relationship, when I was being told I wouldn't see him over the weekend because he was going out partying and then being hungover with his buddies. I always felt pushed aside. I think NC is pushing me along, but I sometimes come to an obstacle on the path and idealise someone who was flawed and insensitive towards me for the most part. Rather than lowering my standards to meet his capabilities as a partner, I need to raise my standards and eventually meet someone who would never dream of telling me I'm not a priority! xxx

Argh no, please make this the very last time you're in contact with him again! Don't give him another opportunity to hurt you!

LOL (just like a really sick one, of recognition) at the 'not a priority anymore.' The ARROGANCE of that! Who gives a toss about what HIS priorities are?! Why do all these rubbish blokes say exactly the same things in exactly the same arrogant way when they are messing with us? There was absolutely no need to say that - it is cruel in an almost calculated way. Don't let him use you to prop him up for a second longer!

You WILL feel better, but you have to stick to No Contact - take comfort in it. I think of it like a big fleecy dressing gown, protecting me from someone who isn't very important anyway. I'm about to go into (London) town now, I am going to look out for your bloke and give him a great big slap if I see him, the arrogant tool!

Thank you Enn. I needed that. Like, REALLY needed that. It is Burns night tonight and as we are both Scottish, I was so tempted to text him to wish him a happy Burns night, but reading your message has convinced me otherwise. That moment of weakness has passed me by and I am grateful to you for that

I will indeed continue with NC and take comfort and solace in its cosy dressing gown! The less contact I have, the less I will idealise someone who turned out to be very different to what I need anyway! Enjoy London!! xxx

Dammit, I didn't see him, so was unable to deliver the slap. However, I put it OUT THERE in the universe and he WILL feel it, believe me!

I'm afraid I'm a Sassenach (though originally from very close to the border, which in my opinion should count as some sort of Get Out of Jail Free card ;-) ) but I have always loved Robert Burns so *I* am going to wish you a Happy Burns Night! He's not the only Scot, and not the only Scot in London either - he is just one human being who has said something VERY cruel. Something he more or less vocalised out loud because he ISN'T doing great but he wants to USE you as a prop to get to the next stage! Well you won't be that will you?

I'd go so far as to say he's an ugly, creepin, blastit wonner. How dare he?!!!

You'll be over this sooner than he is...stick to your guns! xxx

Haha, I know the universe will deliver an almighty blow to him! That's so sweet of you, and the first Happy Burns Night I have received (none of my Southern counterparts have ever heard of Robert Burns apparently!) If I ate meat I would be guzzling haggis and tatties just now, but alas, I will stick to pasta!

Yes, you're right. There are plenty of Scots in the South and even if there weren't, I'm quite happy being the black sheep amongst my friends. I think the main thing is to be around kind people which I realise he most likely hasn't been. Telling me I'm no fun anymore the week after my dad died, informing me I'm no longer a priority... I don't think he possesses a mental filter. I would just never even consider these things. Anyway, you have successfully prevented me from texting him and also delivered a well-earned slap. I'm sure his ego is weeping right now! xxx

What helped me in moments like this was to view this much like an addiction. Much like abstaining from alcohol, the cravings get worse before they get better.

Consider yourself in detox mode. Take extra care of yourself as if you were sick. At the same acknowledge that what you are going through is what it takes to get the other side. You can also choose to embrace it and know that you are right on track for where you should be, having suffered this kind of disappointment.

It's also probably not the first time you went through this and may not be the last. We've all been through it and survived.

If you choose to challenge yourself you can come out the side a better, stronger version of yourself for having experienced it.

Just know it's normal. . and it will pass.

Hang in there. You got this.

Thank you Reinventyourself. At the darkest moments: when I have woken in the night feeling very isolated, or crying in public, I have felt like this is an addiction. In a way, it is. My life has revolved around this substance/ relationship for three years and so cravings don't just go away. I have previously thought 'bugger it, I'll just text him and deal with the consequences another time', much like saying 'I'll deal with the hangover tomorrow' but the most overwhelming feeling has been regret. At least with no contact there is none of that, just distance and an increased ability to breathe as time goes on. Thanks so much, I am already feeling stronger xxx

I have previously thought 'bugger it, I'll just text him and deal with the consequences another time', much like saying 'I'll deal with the hangover tomorrow'

Exactly. It's much like getting this far and taking another drink. All the work is wasted and you get to start all over again. That and the self shaming you do when you regret your actions. It's just not worth it.

AND it takes you just that much longer to get over it. I don't know about you, but I want to lesson the amount of time it takes, not add to it.

Just go through it once, a straight line and your eyes on the horizon. No looking back.

Do you have a trusted friend who you can text instead? Ask that friend if you can text her/him whenever you feel the urge to text your ex. You can even have a preset text that says "Help, I'm tempted to text him!"

Also, instead of deleting his number, how about saving it in your contact as "NO DON'T!" as a reminder.

Do you have a trusted friend who you can text instead? Ask that friend if you can text her/him whenever you feel the urge to text your ex. You can even have a preset text that says "Help, I'm tempted to text him!"

 

Also, instead of deleting his number, how about saving it in your contact as "NO DON'T!" as a reminder.

I've done both. Offered to be a break up buddy for my friend who did really impulsive, cringe worthy things.

I had her call me first before she acted on it.

And I've either blocked and/or changed their picture on my phone. Once I put in it's place a gruesome picture of the Joker, from the Batman movie and I changed his name to FREAK! That's all it took when it popped up to make me not want to answer it and in turn sometimes even made me laugh at myself a little.

Yes! Abolutely! In fact he just called me to congratulate me on NC. It's great to have a friend like that who is always there to tell it to you straight, even when you've convinced yourself contact is the best thing. As for adding my ex to my phone under a different name, I prefer not having him on there at all. The temptation is diminished (I'd need to search through old bills to find his number and it's a lot of effort!) and otherwise, I end up just looking to see when he was last on Whatsapp and getting peeved when it's always 'online'. This way, he is no part of my life whatsoever :)

Yes! Abolutely! In fact he just called me to congratulate me on NC. It's great to have a friend like that who is always there to tell it to you straight, even when you've convinced yourself contact is the best thing. As for adding my ex to my phone under a different name, I prefer not having him on there at all. The temptation is diminished (I'd need to search through old bills to find his number and it's a lot of effort!) and otherwise, I end up just looking to see when he was last on Whatsapp and getting peeved when it's always 'online'. This way, he is no part of my life whatsoever :)

Good girl!

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Holly, what does your message mean please?