Jump to content

Was an idiot to a Girl I really liked


eldasensei

Recommended Posts

Hi guys,

 

I don't know where to start. This is about a girl(25) I had been in the friendzone with for 2 years. She allready had a boyfriend when I got to know her. She was in my project-group for atleast a year. As a group we also often organised some fun things to do with eachother, for example: cooking, playing games and just having a lot of fun.

Well at some point her relationship ended and after that she made it obvious that she still wasn't available which I thought was understandable. It's still raw and fresh for her after all and it takes time to deal with everything. After another half year she was starting to date and all but still made it obvious to me that she wasn't available (for me that is). She would roll-up her eyes when seeing me and mention some other day that she saw me on tinder but swiped me left. Which I didn't make a big deal out of it, I kind of found this hilarious and didn't know why she brought it up or what point she was trying to make. She would also start talking about a new crush of hers at that time.

 

Well, she went to study abroad for some time, so we didn't see eachother for a half year. During this time, I was in the hospital for a abnormal heartrithme (AV-Block type2 Wenckebach) and decided to start lifting weights again to regain some confidence in my body. Thankgod, I had made significant changes and had gotten a lot of confidence from this, it helped regain some trust in my body. Some pictures of me and my mutual friends were shared within a whatsapp group. She is also a part of this group and I think she saw me in a different light after that. The reason why I brought this up is, because I can't find any other reasonable explanation how she suddenly showed interest in me after she came back. She started to text me more and when we would meet up with the group, she would really put her focus on me and there would be heavy flirting between us (she would giggle and we would tease eachoter, banter back and fort). All the others saw this and I think they knew what was up. She really demanded attention from me. But after that day we've hold off contact for some time due to workload. Now this is where it went wrong.

 

She started to text me and I thought she wanted to date. But I made an ass move and hurt her, made her feel rejected which was not my intention. I reacted stupidly out of my own insecurity. This is how the chat went:

 

Her: Hey "Eldasensei" :D, how are you?

Me: It's going well "her name" and how are you?

Her: I'm also doing fine, I really haven't seen you for a long time? How are your days like lately?

Me: You're right, we haven't seen eachother for some time

Me: How does your schedule look after the 26th?

Her: 9 and 10 febuari (friday and saturday) I'll probably be at your city (we live 3 hours apart)

Me: "Her name" probably is useless for me

Me: Maybe we should try this some other time

Her: k

 

When reading her Probably I was reading it as probably not (I have been flaked a lot in the past) and reacted as a douche according to that. I had really screwed this up.

After sending this I realised she probably felt really hurt or rejected. I didn't want that. I was hoping that she would come up with a definitive schedule. But damm I screwed this up.

Two days later I sent her a voice message saying: "Hey "her name". Sorry for my rude answer. That was really stupid. Offcourse you're welcome to come on the 9th and 10th! Let me know so we can chat.

She saw the voice but never responded. I realised that I must've really hurt her feelings and after this I've had only send her a message to congratulate her birthday without asking for a reply (by this point I knew she would never be willing to talk to me, forgive me or look at me the same way).

 

What do you guys think of this situation and do you guys think we could ever be on good terms? I actually wanted her to come over as I really like her. But I sabotaged this out of my own insecurity and pissed her off.

 

I really liked her for a long time and looks like I have to grief this one out. This really stings.

 

It doesn't seem like I can do more then this. I am also affraid of how this is going to affect in our friendsgroup, as we often have had fun get-to-gethers and still had plans to.

Link to comment

You gotta rein in those insecurities in general. It's ok to be insecure, but it's foolish to lash out like that. It makes you look like you are controlled by your emotions and of weak character. If she's not into guys like that she will be turned off. Believe me, it's a major attraction-killer.

 

Your apology was appropriate, but beyond "I'm sorry" it's not going to help to chase or plead for forgiveness. The best thing you can do now is let her come to you. And if she contacts you in the future, JUST BE NICE. Don't get reactive or upset. Really work on this. It will help you in other areas of your life as well.

Link to comment
It sounds like she was being friendly and reconnecting and catching up with people. It doesn't sound like an interest in dating so your preemptive strike was a bit rude. Let it blow over and be polite, friendly but do not try to date.

 

Thankyou Wiseman2! I think you're right that might've also been the case. But whatever the case may be, I just hope we can both be cool with eachother at some point because we are in a close friendsgroup. I had shown the dialogue to two guyfriends and they said that I had kinda rejected her and she's probably pissed. While this was not my intention at all, I wanted to see her but was afraid that she would flake because I felt like she didn't give me a definitive date. I do however think that she started showing more attraction to me. But who knows, maybe the flirting was just innocent. I just hope that normal communication is still salvagable in the future.

Link to comment
You gotta rein in those insecurities in general. It's ok to be insecure, but it's foolish to lash out like that. It makes you look like you are controlled by your emotions and of weak character. If she's not into guys like that she will be turned off. Believe me, it's a major attraction-killer.

 

Your apology was appropriate, but beyond "I'm sorry" it's not going to help to chase or plead for forgiveness. The best thing you can do now is let her come to you. And if she contacts you in the future, JUST BE NICE. Don't get reactive or upset. Really work on this. It will help you in other areas of your life as well.

 

You're deffinitly right Jibralta, I just hope normal communication in the future is still possible. In the future, there will deffinitly be no more heavy flirting again or even more then that. I will really miss what we had. I'm affaid that she felt rejected as some friends of mine think it kinda looked like I rejected her. How do you think she felt after reading this? I'm also afraid that she took it personally while it was my own insecurity. Or maybe she knows, who knows. I only feel lots of regret and feel like i've lost the oppertunity that I've always wanted with her. I'm the whole loser in this whole picture.

Link to comment
I'm affaid that she felt rejected as some friends of mine think it kinda looked like I rejected her. How do you think she felt after reading this? I'm also afraid that she took it personally while it was my own insecurity. Or maybe she knows, who knows.

 

I couldn't say how she feels. She may just be annoyed or slightly turned off. It may all blow over after some time passes, and you might be able to pick up where you left off.

 

Time will tell.

 

But all is not necessarily lost.

 

Just be more aware of your reactiveness in the future so that you can avoid these situations.

Link to comment

I think this girl went on a fishing expedition...she was going to be in town, and she wanted to have that "boyfriend" connection with you because there is an interest. Distance and future-life and future goals are a problem, and you need to be realistic that this situation is rather precarious long-term as you pursue your paths of life, but there is an interest in you. I don't think you blew it. We women circle the drain a lot, just like a lot of men do, and one incident like this doesn't completely kill everything. In a black-and-white world, it should, but we exist in several shades of gray. If she has plans to be in town anyway, you can recover this incident by inviting her out on a "real date," like coffee or mini-golf or a movie or something. See what transpires and enjoy.

Link to comment

Is it a good Idea to call her in private and tell her that my behavior is due to me starting to like her, but that I don't know how to act due to fear of screwing up a lot of things which one of them is the groupdynamic and the friendship. On the other hand I am also afraid that it is the ultimate turnoff to tell a girl/women that you like her before even having had sex or kissed. Never heard of a succes story that ended great in this way (not personally atleast).

 

What I hope to get out of this is just a clear understanding of eachother so we can both move on (hopefully in good terms).

Link to comment

I would strive for trying to chat a bit more, be friendly and just asking her out one-on-one for example, simply mention that you could come to her city or next time she's around you could do something together. Be confident and interested but don't expose anxiety or say too much too soon.

Is it a good Idea to call her in private and tell her that my behavior is due to me starting to like her, but that I don't know how to act due to fear of screwing up a lot of things which one of them is the groupdynamic and the friendship. On the other hand I am also afraid that it is the ultimate turnoff to tell a girl/women that you like her before even having had sex or kissed. Never heard of a succes story that ended great in this way.
Link to comment
You usually kiss and have sex with women before you tell them you like them??

 

Wouldn't you think thats obvious after flirting/kissing/sex?? Sure what you are looking for, relationship/hookup will be more clear while getting to know eachother but normally I wouldn't explicitly say or confess an "I like you". I used do that in teenage/early twenties but it turned off the girls/women somehow. Later I did find out that they liked me, somehow the confession made them change their mind and feelings. Probably because the anticipation and mystery is gone or maybe something else entirely. But that's just my experience.

Link to comment
I would strive for trying to chat a bit more, be friendly and just asking her out one-on-one for example, simply mention that you could come to her city or next time she's around you could do something together. Be confident and interested but don't expose anxiety or say too much too soon.

 

Thankyou Wiseman! What do you mean with too much too soon? Moreover, when do you think is the best time to call her up? I was thinking tomorrow but on the other hand I was thinking that might be too soon. I probably also shouldn't mention the incident (the bad texting). Furthermore, she probably celibrated her birthday today, maybe I could also talk more about that kind of stuff.

 

Another female friend looked at the whatsapp conversation and she said: "Eldasensei, you know that you are giving her a very bad sign when you respond to her a day later?! Also, after that, she goes along with your texting speed, it is very obvious. She said that I shouldn't make a big deal out of my text (the text : "I can do nothing with a probably") but that the "k" she send was because she seems very confused about you and thinking "where the hell do I stand with this"."

She was the one mentioning that I should "convess" (and be honest) that I like her on the phone. But I don't know much succes stories telling a girl/women that you like her. In my experience it was more or less the opposite.

Link to comment
But I don't know much succes stories telling a girl/women that you like her. In my experience it was more or less the opposite.

 

On the other hand I am also afraid that it is the ultimate turnoff to tell a girl/women that you like her before even having had sex or kissed. Never heard of a succes story that ended great in this way (not personally atleast).

 

I don't know about the people that you know, but I don't mess with anyone unless I know they like me.

 

Of course, I have to like them back.... That's key.

 

But why would I kiss someone who might hate or disrespect me? That would be really dumb.

 

I wouldn't do that even if I really liked them.

 

Makes no sense.

Link to comment

 

I don't know about the people that you know, but I don't mess with anyone unless I know they like me.

 

 

I allways thought it would be kinda obvious that a guy likes you by their behaviour (heavy flirting, banter back and forth, eye contact and so on).

 

But why would I kiss someone who might hate or disrespect me? That would be really dumb.

 

I wouldn't do that even if I really liked them.

 

Makes no sense.

 

I feel like this is directed towards me, because I felt like I came off too rude or direct and acted out of insecurity (I've had send the message in the next morning: ""Her name" probably is useless for me" "Maybe we should try this some other time"), reading too much into her message: "9 and 10 febuari I'll probably be at your city".

I don't know if it looks like hate or disrespect

Link to comment
"You know, I think I worded that badly. I would like to get together for lunch/coffee when you are in town. What do you think?"

 

Boltnrun this is a good example, thanks! I did allready sent her a voicemessage few days ago saying: "Hey "her name". Sorry for my rude answer. That was really stupid. Offcourse you're welcome to come on the 9th and 10th! Let me know so we can chat."

She did not reply to it but after that when I had sent a birthdaymessage without asking for anything to her, she did react "Thank you ^^"

 

Thats why I thought when calling her I might be able to ask how her birthday was, and if the issue comes up that I might mention what you just wrote. But I wanted to have a diffinitive date from her and I handled it really bad out of insecurity (I interpreted her "9 and 10 febuari I'll probably be at your city" as probably not coming).

 

Or maybe advancing forward now will only make me dig a deeper grave. Maybe let this slide for some time and catch up later when things have cooled down or refreshed might be a much better option?

 

Or maybe I am currently having the illusion of taking action. I don't know. I just don't know how she interpreted the whole conversation and if shes confused about this guy here (me).

Link to comment
Boltnrun this is a good example, thanks! I did allready sent her a voicemessage few days ago saying: "Hey "her name". Sorry for my rude answer. That was really stupid. Offcourse you're welcome to come on the 9th and 10th! Let me know so we can chat."

She did not reply to it but after that when I had sent a birthdaymessage without asking for anything to her, she did react "Thank you ^^"

 

Thats why I thought when calling her I might be able to ask how her birthday was, and if the issue comes up that I might mention what you just wrote. But I wanted to have a diffinitive date from her and I handled it really bad out of insecurity (I interpreted her "9 and 10 febuari I'll probably be at your city" as probably not coming).

 

Or maybe advancing forward now will only make me dig a deeper grave. Maybe let this slide for some time and catch up later when things have cooled down or refreshed might be a much better option?

 

Or maybe I am currently having the illusion of taking action. I don't know. I just don't know how she interpreted the whole conversation and if shes confused about this guy here (me).

 

Well, you already reached out twice.

 

I would wait until a week or so before she is due to arrive, then follow up with a "hey, so you're going to be in town soon. How does lunch/coffee sound? I know a couple of great places you could choose from."

Link to comment
I allways thought it would be kinda obvious that a guy likes you by their behaviour (heavy flirting, banter back and forth, eye contact and so on).

 

If it's obvious, why avoid confirming it? Why pretend it's not true when it's obviously true?

 

That's just silly.

 

I feel like this is directed towards me, because I felt like I came off too rude or direct and acted out of insecurity (I've had send the message in the next morning: ""Her name" probably is useless for me" "Maybe we should try this some other time"), reading too much into her message: "9 and 10 febuari I'll probably be at your city".

I don't know if it looks like hate or disrespect

 

I'm not sure what you mean here.

 

For my part, I was just saying that I wouldn't get involved with a guy if I didn't know they liked me. I like guys who like me. Guys who don't like me are a turn-off.

Link to comment
If it's obvious, why avoid confirming it? Why pretend it's not true when it's obviously true?

 

That's just silly.

 

How did it allways go in your case?

 

Also do you think it's a good Idea to call her in private and tell her that my behavior is due to me starting to like her? What do you think is the worst that could happen? I'm afraid that everything will become awkward afterwards especially within our friendsgroup.

Link to comment
How did it allways go in your case?

 

If I liked the guy back, it went well for both of us.

 

If I didn't like him back, it didn't go well for him.

 

I mean, I didn't punch him in the face or anything. I just didn't get involved with him.

 

Now that I think about it, I've always resented guys who hung around but who were never clear about their feelings.

 

I appreciate directness.

 

Also do you think it's a good Idea to call her in private and tell her that my behavior is due to me starting to like her? What do you think is the worst that could happen? I'm afraid that everything will become awkward afterwards especially within our friendsgroup.

 

This whole situation occurred because you overreacted.

 

If you continue to overreact by issuing an excessive amount of apologies, you're just going to make things worse.

 

Honestly, I don't think your text to her was so terrible. You just sounded abrupt.

 

Since it was over text, there's no telling how it came across to her. She might not have taken offense at all.

 

Relax.

Link to comment
If I liked the guy back, it went well for both of us.

 

If I didn't like him back, it didn't go well for him.

 

I mean, I didn't punch him in the face or anything. I just didn't get involved with him.

 

Now that I think about it, I've always resented guys who hung around but who were never clear about their feelings.

 

I appreciate directness.

 

 

 

This whole situation occurred because you overreacted.

 

If you continue to overreact by issuing an excessive amount of apologies, you're just going to make things worse.

 

Honestly, I don't think your text to her was so terrible. You just sounded abrupt.

 

Since it was over text, there's no telling how it came across to her. She might not have taken offense at all.

 

Relax.

 

 

Thankyou for your honesty Jibralta. How do you think I should continue forward? Would you say I should tell her that I like her or just let this go and see where it ends and accept whats coming after that?

 

And what are you thoughts on this comment from a girlfriend of mine?

 

Another female friend looked at the whatsapp conversation and she said: "Eldasensei, you know that you are giving her a very bad sign when you respond to her a day later?! Also, after that, she goes along with your texting speed, it is very obvious. She said that I shouldn't make a big deal out of my text (the text : "I can do nothing with a probably") but that the "k" she send was because she seems very confused about you and thinking "where the hell do I stand with this"."

She was the one mentioning that I should "convess" (and be honest) that I like her on the phone.

Link to comment

I do think you should be honest with her about your feelings, but it's not necessary to lead with I LIKE YOU.

 

In other words, don't impose your feeling on her.

 

There's a natural rhythm to every situation. Go with the flow a little and observe what is going on before you blurt anything out.

 

Because of you propensity to rush forward and apologize and confess, I do think you should do the opposite and hang back for a while. You are still being governed emotionally. That's why these impulses are so strong.

 

Hold on loosely, as the song goes.

Link to comment

Jibralta, thankyou for your advice which is something I try to follow now, but more of the extreem I think. I did talked and opened her up a little on whatsapp, talked about her birthday and graduation a bit. We are both in a groupapp and yesterday she was asking a guy to meetup for coffee somewhere in the city (if his schedule permitted) on the 9th of februari (the day she also had mentioned for me). Although the guy declined the offer and said maybe another time I'm kinda busy (which he handled much, much better then me), it bothered me a little and I felt hurt and jealous. This offcourse, are my feelings and my responsibility and it's none of my business what she wants to do with other people. It mostly bothered me because it looked like she tried to make a clear schedule with him and made it kinda obvious to see (not intentionally I think, thats probably how she is when she really wants to meet a guy). It felt like I missed my chance and directed her to him and it bothered me that I had to play detective(understand her texts) and lead to a date/meetup.

 

So I called a good friend of mine, who is also a datingcoach (I can't allways call her for these things but it bothered me so much that I wanted her advice). She said: "Eldasensei, it sounds like you have a huge crush on this girl and have put her on a pedestal. If you could've done something, you should've done it 2 years ago when you've met her. Although she had a boyfriend in the first half year you've met her, you could've flirted with her a little here and there, kept it fun and enjoyable. Maybe a lesson for next time. In this very case you have two options. 1: you can stay her friend and hear out how she's dating others and having sex with (which obviously will hurt me a lot), try to hold on to the friendship, or 2: You cut off contact with her and move on and try to meet new people even if you keep comparing other women with her, staying at the same place and shutting yourself off for other oppertunities will only keep you stagnant and you will litterally not move forward, not taking the chance of becoming a more attractive person and grow. It's okay to feel all these negative feelings now, it takes time (which I know, just affraid that it will take years), If she ever reaches out to you and asks if you ignore or try to avoid her, maybe then you could tell her" -Girls name-, reason why I try to avoid you is because I have a weakness for you/like you and I know it's not mutual. Don't take it personally, this is my way of protecting myself which was also the reason why I might've overreacted when we first tried to meetup"."

 

So I chose option two. When she tried to plan a date with the guy in the groupapp, she had also send me a message sometime before that, continuing our converstation. I tried to react to it in a light and humorous way and close it off with wishing her good luck with the thesis, let us both fix and finnish it! She never replied back to it, but thats okay. I don't want to dwell much on her (even though I am doing that allready 24/7). So I think it's best to remove everything that reminds me of her (groupfoto's, unfollow on social media and archive our whatsapp conversation). I still feel a lot of emotions like hurt, fear (that I will never have a better chance then this or a chance with just as beautifull, athletic and sexy girl like her, if not better), rejection, sadness and jealousy (mostly this, jealous that others were easily able to date her and it makes me feel inadequate, not good enought to attract a attractive girl like her), but I don't want to stand still and watchover how she's dating, trying to date others (feels like torture).

 

This is it actually. It's much like what you've adviced, hanging back for a while, but more of the extreem. Maybe this is also overreacting because of my emotions (fear of feeling hurt/not good enough/rejected again). But I'll start with hanging back for a while and see if it helps me calm and ground myself again, if not I think it's best to cut contact and move on (as best as I can).

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...