I completely ruined my life.

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible as I know really long posts can be a little too much. But I want you to get the full story.

But essentially I just completely destroyed my life. A little back story. I moved to Texas almost a year ago because I needed a new start. I was going through a breakup, trouble finding a job, and battling severe depression. And it was the best decision I ever made. I found a great job, made great friends, and created a whole new life for myself. And I was doing really well.

I even met a girl that was really fun. It was purely physical and she told me she didn’t want a relationship. It was my roommates best friend. I struggled from time to time with this as I had genuine feelings for her. But was more less ok with things. Eventually though she had to take a step back because she knew I couldn’t handle a physical only relationship and we went back to being just friends without the benefits.

Well less than a week ago we decided to go do some day drinking together. And we got incredibly wasted. We both blacked out. We came back to our house and continued drinking. And as I said I was blacked out so don’t remember anything and neither does she.

I apparently made a big mistake. My roommates told me that at one point she was passed out on the couch and I laid on top of her inappropriately and did a couple other things, not sexual but not ok either (I know it’s still really messed up) Never have I ever done anything similar even while drunk. They stopped it. I also got in a big fight with my roommate and called her a bunch of bad names. Just a real bad night.

Well the next day they told me I needed to move out right away and that they wanted nothing to do with me ever again. And that the entire friend group hated me now and wanted me gone. I also work with my roommate and she threatened to tell my work what had occurred. So in a panic I abruptly quit my job. The next day went and moved all my stuff out of the house and drove back home to Colorado where my parents live.

I completely destroyed an incredibly good thing I had going in Texas. Career, friends, reputation. I’m now 32 years old and moved back in with my elderly parents with no job.

And I am incredibly saddened and devastated by the experience and have no idea what I’m going to do next. The job won’t take me back. The relationships with the friends are unfixable. So I definitely cannot go back to Texas. And there is also nothing for me here. My old friends have long moved on and are married with kids.

And the worst part is I was so close to really getting to where I wanted to be. Had a good job, friends, was happy, and was dating and doing somewhat well at it. I had two dates lined up this week. And in one bad night set myself so far back.

And I am just freaking out about what I’m going to do. If anyone can offer some advice or words of encouragement I would really appreciate it. I’m not a bad person. Even the friend I was being inappropriate with told me I’m not a bad person. But I did do a bad thing that I can’t reverse. I do acknowledge I have a drinking problem. Not with drinking too often but sometimes when I do drink I don’t know when to stop and do dumb stuff. Please help.

Stop "day drinking" (whatever that means), and own up to your behavior abut what that big mistake was.

What was it?

I did own up to it. I acknowledge it was a big mistake and something you just can’t go back from.

But the series of mistakes I made that led up to the big mistake was continuing to be close to her after I knew we wanted different things. If I would have just stopped hanging out with her so much after she told me she didn’t want a relationship I wouldn’t have gotten myself in this predicament.

I really don’t want to be scorned for what took place that night. I’m very aware of how bad I messed up. What I would really like is advice on how to move on given the fact that now I am starting my life completely over again. Friends are gone, life I had is gone, and I’m now looking for a new job and a new life from scratch and trying to be a better human being. I do have some money saved up and am probably going to head to a new city in an attempt to re-create what I did in Texas.

This girl wanted nothing but a physical relationship though, right?

I am not excusing what you did to her(whatever that was), but if she already gave you the go ahead that she wanted to be physical, what was the difference that night?

Neither of you knew what you were doing and she had already said she had wanted to be physical.

I am not excusing what you did to her(whatever that was), but if she already gave you the go ahead that she wanted to be physical, what was the difference that night?

I think the difference is the fact that she was passed out and then he: "she was passed out on the couch and I laid on top of her inappropriately and did a couple other things, not sexual but not ok either (I know it’s still really messed up)". I wouldn't be too happy with that either, but that's just me. I can see why the roommates/friends kicked him out (rightly so, imo).

Yes but if he was blacked out, how can you punish someone for that?

Not saying it was okay, whatsoever...but maybe his mindset was on the fact that she wanted to be physical and he was too out of it to make proper decisions.

Yes but if he was blacked out, how can you punish someone for that?

 

Not saying it was okay, whatsoever...but maybe his mindset was on the fact that she wanted to be physical and he was too out of it to make proper decisions.

Because when it happened they were no longer "physical". At that point, apparently, they were just friends.

"Eventually though she had to take a step back because she knew I couldn’t handle a physical only relationship and we went back to being just friends without the benefits."

I guess my point was, trying to establish that you're not a monster and so you'll stop feeling as horrible as you do.

Drunk people do stupid things, they can't make proper decisions, they lose control.

Your first mistake was drinking like that. You can't handle your alcohol and you get out of hand.

The best thing you can do, is to end the drinking.

What's done is done. You need to accept responsibility, come to terms with it all and move forward.

This is still all overwhelming to you and no doubt quite stressful. But you can move past it. Give yourself some time.

Focus on finding a job, in time you will find friends and can look for dates. But for now, try to settle your emotions down and concentrate on finding work and getting settled back in.

Sorry but unless the OP is not telling us the whole story this is ridiculous. He's 'done a few physical things' with his FWB whilst both were black-out drunk. So what? S*** happens. God knows I've done my fair share of stupid things when drunk. Doesn't make me a monster who deserves to loose my entire circle of friends and my job.

You didn't destroy your life. You made a mistake which was drinking more than you could handle. Actually both of you had more than you could handle. (I'm assuming that up I were both very drunk and there was no sexual contact)

Now it's time to move again, get another job and another circle of friends. You've done it once and you can do it again.

Sorry but unless the OP is not telling us the whole story this is ridiculous. He's 'done a few physical things' with his FWB whilst both were black-out drunk. So what? S*** happens. God knows I've done my fair share of stupid things when drunk. Doesn't make me a monster who deserves to loose my entire circle of friends and my job.

I agree. I feel it was an over the top reaction.

People do stupid things when they're drunk. Girls kiss guys they'd never do otherwise, even sleep with them. How does that make it any less than what went on here?

It's a fine line, because I don't want anyone thinking that it's okay to molest or rape someone whilst drunk. Though I also think that stupid decisions doesn't make someone as bad as that.

But for all of them to kick him out, unfriend, him lose his job and place to stay? It seems way over the top given what happened.

Sorry this happened. You need to get the drinking, anxiety and depression under control. Find the help you need.

we got incredibly wasted. My roommates told me that at one point she was passed out on the couch and I laid on top of her inappropriately and did a couple other things, not sexual but not ok either (I know it’s still really messed up) Never have I ever done anything similar even while drunk.

Yeah, sorry but it does sounds like these so called friends way over reacted. Threatening you, your job, and kicking you out was actually inappropriate and amounts to blackmailing behavior. Hate to say this, but their own hands right now are dirty and they probably don't even realize that.

When people get drunk, sh$t happens and you were both wasted voluntarily. Thinking back to my own friends and our party drinking days, yeah there were some incidents of someone drinking too much and becoming a handful. Yes, it does ruin the fun and the party for everyone else. Yes, we did have a serious talking to once the person is sober, but it's more along the lines of "you better learn your limits because if this ever happens again, you are on your own." The culprits in question got the message loud and clear, plus decent people do feel bad for wrecking the night for everyone, same as you feel awful for it. Point being that you don't have to be an evil drunk alcoholic to drink too much and for things to get out of hand as a result. Throwing stones in glass houses and all that.

There really are three separate lessons for you here. One is don't get involved with a girl when your dating goals are different. This isn't just about you wanting more and she doesn't, but also other way around. You don't want anything and she does. In either case, things can get very very messy.

Second thing obviously is from now on to forever, limit your drinking and never ever get caught up in having even one drink more than you've limited yourself to.

Third thing is keep your friends, roommates, and work all separate. Roommates are just people you live with. Friendly sure, but not friends. Co-workers, are just co-workers. Sure you need to be friendly with them and head out to a happy hour if that's the culture, but again, remember to keep a bit of an arm's length in that these are the people you work with and so you need to be careful with them about what you say, not getting drunk, etc, etc, etc. Friends are people you hang out with for fun, it's people you have a connection with over something like a hobby, a sport, an interest, but you don't work with them, live with them, etc. Those are people where you can let your hair down and be more your relaxed self around. You've got to learn to compartmentalize life a little because when you don't, what just happened will happen.

Anyway, try not to beat yourself up too much. You made some mistake and misjudgments, but you aren't a monster. Focus on this - you were here before and you were able to get out there and build a happy life for yourself. That means that you absolutely can do so again, but this time being a little wiser, do it better and compartmentalize more.

Focus on the fact that this time next year, your life could be much different (in a good way) and you could be in a better place, with better friends and a nice girlfriend.

It is possible.

For now, just keep moving forward.

I agree. I feel it was an over the top reaction.

 

People do stupid things when they're drunk. Girls kiss guys they'd never do otherwise, even sleep with them. How does that make it any less than what went on here?

 

It's a fine line, because I don't want anyone thinking that it's okay to molest or rape someone whilst drunk. Though I also think that stupid decisions doesn't make someone as bad as that.

 

But for all of them to kick him out, unfriend, him lose his job and place to stay? It seems way over the top given what happened.

I know this might seem a little out of topic and I don't want to seem like I'm condoning drunk rape or anything, but I never understood if 2 people are both intoxicated and drunk beyond common sense and get physically involved, why is it his fault if both were drunk and not on their right mind.

I also believe that given what happened, these "friends''" reaction is too over the top. Especially the part about saying they're going to tell his boss and make him be fired.

I highly doubt his friends would have acted this way without good reason. Regardless, I personally think that instead of trying to excuse what you did you need to own up to it and learn from it.

Regardless of whether you had a physical relationship or not, if she is not conscious, she cannot consent to ANYTHING you do. Trying to excuse it by saying "crap happens when drinking" is not learning a thing.

So what should you do?

1. Get some help for your mental health issues if you can

2. Get some help to deal with your drinking and make a pledge not to drink to excess like that again.

3. Never ever touch a woman while drunk. It's not okay. Ever.

4. Recognize you can't change what happened and work on making new friends.

You may have to build your life from the ground up and that is a result of the choices you made. Own that.

I have acknowledged I made a big mistake and never excused it by being black out drunk. It was a terrible thing to do.

One thing that made my roommate so mad is that me and the girl were supposed to be distancing ourselves from each other and she had said we shouldn’t have relations anymore. However, what she said and did were two different things. Apparently she had already turned me down that night too. So I see why that makes it worse.

Anyway thank you for the responses. Like I said it’s done. I can’t do anything to repair it with the roommates. It seems like the general consensus is they did overreact. I’m just dumbfounded this escalated so quickly. I’m so distraught. It took me 14 months to get that job and I just don’t think I can do this all over again. Moving to Texas, getting the job, making the friends is what saved me from myself.

I’m so lost. All I want is to be back in Texas right now and hanging out with them. And I know that won’t ever happen. I really don’t know how I will recover from this. I’ve burned just about every bridge I have. I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive this.

Texas is a big place and there are a lot of other jobs out there. You can make new friends.

Mod Note: Please remain on topic and do not start debates about rape.

This girl wanted nothing but a physical relationship though, right?

 

I am not excusing what you did to her(whatever that was), but if she already gave you the go ahead that she wanted to be physical, what was the difference that night?

Eek. This was the logic behind marital rape exemption, which actually wasn't fully criminalized in the US until the 1990s.

Saying yes in the past doesn't guarantee yes perpetually into the future. Bottom line is, forcing or stealing sex is an act of violence against another person. Being black out drunk isn't an excuse.

Drunk people are expected to know not to drive, not to murder, not to assault, and not to rape.

Again, I’m not debating whether what I did was ok or excusable because I was drunk. It wasn’t. And I understand why they didn’t want me to live there anymore especially given the girl was my roommates best friend and was over there often.

But I don’t think I deserved to have my life completely ruined which is what happened.

And really what I was searching for with this post was advice and encouragement. It’s really difficult for me to see how I’m going to make it out of this. Even in a great economy professional jobs can be very hard to get and right now I am just so devastated I don’t see how I’m going to have the resolve to pull through.

Maybe it would help if I gave some specifics of my situation and what I think.

I’ve changed industries a couple times since graduating college 3 years ago. My degree is in Marketing. I have a couple years of experience as an operations analyst in telecom. When I moved to Texas I took a job in transportation as a logistics coordinator.

I have about 4K saved up.

I could keep living with my parents for a while and look for jobs. That would certainly help preserve the money I do have. But I really don’t want to stay in Denver. The cost of living is so high and the job market is very competitive. And again I left here for a reason.

I honestly really want a chance to go back to Texas and redeem myself but I think at least with my old roommates it’s unrepairable. And it would probably just never be the same. I’m always going to be the guy that took advantage of her and it doesn’t help she’s the center of the group. Everyone loves her. And without help from someone like a place to live I don’t see how I could do it. And I don’t think anyone can/will help me. I asked.

My next best option is to move to another city and start over again. That seems like the most fun and would be best for me mentally. But is 4K enough to do that? Who would rent me a room without a job? I could try to get a job first but I know from experience it’s harder to get a job without being in the city first.

I don’t think it’s going to be good for my mental health to stay here with my parents too long though.

Thoughts? And thank you so much for your input. I’m feeling a little better just talking about it and weighing my options even if it is with complete strangers.

Eek. This was the logic behind marital rape exemption, which actually wasn't fully criminalized in the US until the 1990s.

 

Saying yes in the past doesn't guarantee yes perpetually into the future. Bottom line is, forcing or stealing sex is an act of violence against another person. Being black out drunk isn't an excuse.

 

Drunk people are expected to know not to drive, not to murder, not to assault, and not to rape.

I agree.I wasn't sure of the circumstances and I thought they had both came onto each other that night. He also said nothing sexual happened.

I thought perhaps that's why he went ahead and was coming onto her, was because in his inebriated mind, she had already given him to go ahead from days previous and that night.

He also said he was blacked out too and that can cause many confused decisions.

Either way, I think it's been established that it was wrong on all accounts and he fully admitted it.

I personally think you should stay where you are just for the time being. Let things settle down, get your head in a better place.

Eventually, you could always move somewhere else and restart your life. Moving back to Texas should be off the options. That bridge is burned and you need to leave it.

But the US is a big place and you have many choices of where to start over again.

I just hope that what happened this time, doesn't re-occur. Will you keep your drinking to either a minimum or stop completely? Maybe even find friends that aren't into drinking?

 

My next best option is to move to another city and start over again. That seems like the most fun and would be best for me mentally. But is 4K enough to do that? Who would rent me a room without a job? I could try to get a job first but I know from experience it’s harder to get a job without being in the city first.

 

I don’t think it’s going to be good for my mental health to stay here with my parents too long though.

 

Thoughts? And thank you so much for your input. I’m feeling a little better just talking about it and weighing my options even if it is with complete strangers.

You are probably better equipped to answer this seeing you've done it before. You obviously have what it takes. Don't let this event cause you to second guess that.