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Thread: I completely ruined my life.

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    This girl wanted nothing but a physical relationship though, right?

    I am not excusing what you did to her(whatever that was), but if she already gave you the go ahead that she wanted to be physical, what was the difference that night?
    Eek. This was the logic behind marital rape exemption, which actually wasn't fully criminalized in the US until the 1990s.

    Saying yes in the past doesn't guarantee yes perpetually into the future. Bottom line is, forcing or stealing sex is an act of violence against another person. Being black out drunk isn't an excuse.

    Drunk people are expected to know not to drive, not to murder, not to assault, and not to rape.

  2. #22
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    Again, Iím not debating whether what I did was ok or excusable because I was drunk. It wasnít. And I understand why they didnít want me to live there anymore especially given the girl was my roommates best friend and was over there often.

    But I donít think I deserved to have my life completely ruined which is what happened.

    And really what I was searching for with this post was advice and encouragement. Itís really difficult for me to see how Iím going to make it out of this. Even in a great economy professional jobs can be very hard to get and right now I am just so devastated I donít see how Iím going to have the resolve to pull through.

    Maybe it would help if I gave some specifics of my situation and what I think.

    Iíve changed industries a couple times since graduating college 3 years ago. My degree is in Marketing. I have a couple years of experience as an operations analyst in telecom. When I moved to Texas I took a job in transportation as a logistics coordinator.

    I have about 4K saved up.

    I could keep living with my parents for a while and look for jobs. That would certainly help preserve the money I do have. But I really donít want to stay in Denver. The cost of living is so high and the job market is very competitive. And again I left here for a reason.

    I honestly really want a chance to go back to Texas and redeem myself but I think at least with my old roommates itís unrepairable. And it would probably just never be the same. Iím always going to be the guy that took advantage of her and it doesnít help sheís the center of the group. Everyone loves her. And without help from someone like a place to live I donít see how I could do it. And I donít think anyone can/will help me. I asked.

    My next best option is to move to another city and start over again. That seems like the most fun and would be best for me mentally. But is 4K enough to do that? Who would rent me a room without a job? I could try to get a job first but I know from experience itís harder to get a job without being in the city first.

    I donít think itís going to be good for my mental health to stay here with my parents too long though.

    Thoughts? And thank you so much for your input. Iím feeling a little better just talking about it and weighing my options even if it is with complete strangers.
    Last edited by Jy1986usa; 01-25-2019 at 07:49 PM. Reason: Spelling

  3. #23
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Eek. This was the logic behind marital rape exemption, which actually wasn't fully criminalized in the US until the 1990s.

    Saying yes in the past doesn't guarantee yes perpetually into the future. Bottom line is, forcing or stealing sex is an act of violence against another person. Being black out drunk isn't an excuse.

    Drunk people are expected to know not to drive, not to murder, not to assault, and not to rape.
    I agree.I wasn't sure of the circumstances and I thought they had both came onto each other that night. He also said nothing sexual happened.

    I thought perhaps that's why he went ahead and was coming onto her, was because in his inebriated mind, she had already given him to go ahead from days previous and that night.
    He also said he was blacked out too and that can cause many confused decisions.

    Either way, I think it's been established that it was wrong on all accounts and he fully admitted it.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I personally think you should stay where you are just for the time being. Let things settle down, get your head in a better place.

    Eventually, you could always move somewhere else and restart your life. Moving back to Texas should be off the options. That bridge is burned and you need to leave it.

    But the US is a big place and you have many choices of where to start over again.

    I just hope that what happened this time, doesn't re-occur. Will you keep your drinking to either a minimum or stop completely? Maybe even find friends that aren't into drinking?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jy1986usa

    My next best option is to move to another city and start over again. That seems like the most fun and would be best for me mentally. But is 4K enough to do that? Who would rent me a room without a job? I could try to get a job first but I know from experience itís harder to get a job without being in the city first.

    I donít think itís going to be good for my mental health to stay here with my parents too long though.

    Thoughts? And thank you so much for your input. Iím feeling a little better just talking about it and weighing my options even if it is with complete strangers.
    You are probably better equipped to answer this seeing you've done it before. You obviously have what it takes. Don't let this event cause you to second guess that.

  7. #26
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    Unfortunately I think youíre correct. Iíve been hopelessly waiting for the last few days for one of them to call and say itís ok and come back. But the phone has not rung.

    And I have done it before. But I had the luxury of having a cousin let me live with her for a few months until I got on my feet. This time Iíd be on my own.

  8. #27
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    /I would have moved out - even to a hotel if i had to until i found a place and i would have stayed at your job -- and just look for another one.... i would have immediately started going to AA, counseling etc, and would have dumped all your liquor. If she pressed charges, then you will/would have to face the music. But i would not have run like that. You cannot run away from your problems. If you are living with your folks, enoy them while they are still alive.Truly. If you decide to go back to texas, then remember its a huge state and your small circle of friends are not the only people there. But address your alcohol issue before going anywhere. If the market in denver is competitive - then you just have to find the edge that makes you competetive - -- you don't have to work in marketing.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I do feel bad for you.
    That was an unfortunate set of circumstances and you are clearly not a bad guy.
    Take some time and shake this off. Take your time before you make any decisions.
    Be thankful that you have your parents home to go and work on getting your balance back.

  10. #29
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by superfan
    I highly doubt his friends would have acted this way without good reason. Regardless, I personally think that instead of trying to excuse what you did you need to own up to it and learn from it.

    Regardless of whether you had a physical relationship or not, if she is not conscious, she cannot consent to ANYTHING you do. Trying to excuse it by saying "crap happens when drinking" is not learning a thing.

    So what should you do?

    1. Get some help for your mental health issues if you can
    2. Get some help to deal with your drinking and make a pledge not to drink to excess like that again.
    3. Never ever touch a woman while drunk. It's not okay. Ever.
    4. Recognize you can't change what happened and work on making new friends.

    You may have to build your life from the ground up and that is a result of the choices you made. Own that.
    I agree with the above. I also don't think they overreacted - they had a reason for reacting the way they did (imo).

    One thing that made my roommate so mad is that me and the girl were supposed to be distancing ourselves from each other and she had said we shouldnít have relations anymore. Apparently she had already turned me down that night too. So I see why that makes it worse.
    ^ THAT's the reason. They even had to stop you. I'll probably get flamed for this, but I don't believe they overreacted.

    All you can do is learn from this experience and move on. Get help for your mental health and drinking problems.

  11. #30
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    I appreciate that and agree. That was the big issue. Not so much what happened but that it happened under those circumstances. But threatening my job and telling me everyone hated me/ wanted me gone when that actually wasnít the case was out of line.

    Like I said even the girl told me after that it wasnít anything we couldnít get passed and acknowledged people sometimes do really dumb stuff when wasted. She was no stranger to that sort of behavior either and understood even though she was still mad at me and understandably so.

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