Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: How to talk to partner about porn usage..

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Posts
    9

    How to talk to partner about porn usage..

    Hello everyone.
    I've been having a lot of struggles in my life lately. I became pregnant very shortly after having my first baby. I went from being thin young and beautiful to pregnancy belly and weight gain. Don't get me wrong.. I still take care of myself just the same. I'm always shaven, nails done, hair done, I do my makeup when I have the chance. I try to dress cute of course caring for a toddler there are days I don't look so hot but I have not let myself go...

    Anyway I notice lately my partner watches quite a bit of porn :( We don't have sex nearly as often as I'd like. Although I do often give him BJ's as I enjoy giving pleasure. I'd say we have sex once or twice a week lately tbh. When we do he always is ready to go, and finishes.. So I know he is still getting pleasure from it. It really destroyed me because one night after a quick session(yes I am. Positive he came from it) I realized he had viewed porn like an hour or. Two after I went to check on our toddler who had awoken.

    I try to be neutral about porn usage.. But it really really bothered me that he still watched it even after we had engaged in sex. I've caught him Do it before as well. I don't want to bring it up.. I want to be ok with the fact that he is going to watch porn sometimes. I watch It too!!!!! But it is making me feel a bit inadequate.

    I want to bring up To. Him that I feel a bit neglected sexually. He is affectionate with me as far as kisses and all that but he doesn't initiate sex very often. Yes I know i am heavily pregnant so it can hinder things but I'm just really getting down on myself.

    What is a way I can say.. Hey this is what's hurting me rn? I don't wanna be accusatory or bring up him watching porn. But at the same time it is bugging me he rather mastebate than be intimate. And me holding it in only upsets me more.

    Also I do feel a large part is my own insecurities for sure. I think I have always been that girl who is down for sex whenever and a little sex kitten. I've always been all over him. And now I feel like I have lost a bit of my sexiness both tending to motherhood as well as pregnancy. So I realize I have to Adress that but I also want him. To know how I feel :(

  2. #2
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    776
    Gender
    Female
    It sounds like the issue is more with how you currently view yourself and how your feelings about yourself are affecting your self-esteem, then your partner's porn usage. I don't think there is anything wrong with expressing that you want to have more frequent sex, but watching porn and masturbating is normal and common (yes, even when you're perfectly content with your sex life)!

    My suggestion to you would be to not try to compete with porn, and perhaps to consider your own history of masturbation. Many men and women (myself included) still think it's important to take care of business alone sometimes even while in a relationship, and it's perfectly okay to do so if you are not neglecting your partner. Perhaps 1-2 times a week is unsatisfactory for you, but I wouldn't consider it neglecting the relationship.

    Oh, and I would start by simply trying to initiate sex more often, rather than turning it into a long unpleasant conversation. It's possible he is unaware of your feelings, and most men would prefer you communicate your horniness physically.

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Posts
    9
    Yes you're right. I have deep rooted insecurities right now I guess. Like I say I do watch porn too but I can watch it 2 times in one day and still be up for sex like everyday. And our sex. Life has changed since having a child for sure. What used to be hours of rolling around in bed is now usually a short sesh lol.

    And yeah maybe you are right I think talking about it may make me feel better but maybe I'll just try to initiate more.. I just don't know how to be seductive while 8 months preggo lol.. And often times I end up giving him head and he cums. In like 5 min so it doesn't even get to sex and he doesn't attend to my needs :/

    Sigh.

  4. #4
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Posts
    506
    Okay.. please stick with me. What I say may sound bad but in the end i think it's going to help your relationship.

    At its very core, the problem with MOST relationships is - people start to forget the other person and become focused only in their self-interest. And this to a point is what's going on here - ON BOTH SIDES. (Yes you too... i know you don't feel that way but again.. please hear me out).

    Pregnancies can be tough because no matter what you try and think, it CAN hinder sexual activity - both emotional and physically - regardless of how hard you try. So there is always a risk of "i can't" on one side and "but i have needs" on the other side. And this is NOBODY'S FAULT - it just is what it is. He has needs so he looks for alternatives, you have other needs but possibly physically and emotionally you aren't able to feed his needs. Understandable, unavoidable. The trick is figuring out how to work with both and keep everybody happy.

    What I see here is. You're both focused on self-interest. He's doing what he needs for him. You are longing for what you need for yourself. Yes you give BJ's, but that's not "giving" in and of itself. "Giving" is not doing what you want or think you should do, "giving" is giving im what he needs. Do you understand? You can "give him a bj" thinking that's feeding his needs.. or you can "give him the bj that feeds his needs"... understand? That very slight adjustment in mentality and approach and realization will make the different in the world.

    So in the end - here we go. The fact of the matter is - he's turning to porn to "feed his need" - either to satisfy himself, or to work himself up the way he needs so he can orgasm with you. What this means is - the sex he's having with you is NOT feeding his need therefore he needs to turn to an alternative. Unfortunately by him turning to an alternative, and the fact his needs aren't being fed with you, means he's not being as intimage with you which now is NOT feeding YOUR need. And then you become even MORE focused on your self-interest needs bcause you are loacking them which in turn lessens HIS needs being fed by you b/c you're so focused on your OWN needs. See the spiral?

    So how do you fix this? it may never be fixed 100% but you don't have to. I think what's true with most couples is - if they can tell the other person is actually considering THEIR needs and not their own needs and giving it the best shot they can - i think that goes a long way. so in this example with you:
    1. stop focusing on YOUR needs. I get it... they're there and their needs. But the more you are only focusedon YOUR needs, the less you are focused on HIS needs, the more he realizes you are NOT focused on his needs, the more he turns to porn and less to you. Understand? don't give him sex - give him the sex that feeds his need! dont' give him a bj - give him the bj that feeds his need!!
    2. once that's initiated and he STARTS getting his needs fed (and by you), the more he'll turn towards you rather than porn (because if you're getting what you need in person, having it done to you will always be btter than watching it done to somebody else)... understand?

    Now i get it.. you're saying "why can't he do it for me and move first? Why do I have to move first?" Simple. We already know he WON'T move first (he's already shown more and more he'd rather turn to porn). So.. this isn't about right, fair, etc. This is about FIXING it and changing it around. Besdies, once you get what you want and have a lively and fulfilling sex life with your husband who no longer watches porn because you make him so horny and cum harder than any porn star every made him cum - are you going to CARE how you got there?

    congrats on best wishes on a safe and healthy pregnancy.
    you are not inadequate - this is just a matter of both sides "forgetting" that what brought yo together is that you both were doing the things that made you want to be together. And when that stops - it's too easy to choose to want to do things elsewhere. Stop that by making the best path to pleasure yourselves.

    Good luck.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    4,144
    Gender
    Female
    All of this seems very reasonable--both of your sides. Being heavily pregnant may make you feel unattractive, and perhaps he isn't quite as attracted to you for this temporary period of time. What is preventing you from talking to him about it and stating the exact thing that is bothering you (porn despite sex)? Are you afraid it will start an argument?

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Posts
    9
    Thisisrichey yes I think I mostly understand what you are saying. I appreciate you taking the time to give a thoughtful suggestion and advice. I am hoping we can become more attune and in sync. I am willing to make an effort as he is a good partner and father but sex is fundamental. To. Me. In a relationship so yeah. Hopefully once I pop the baby out and recover we will be better too. Thanks a
    Gain

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Posts
    9
    Jibralta I guess I don't want to look like I'm snooping even tho I have lol and I don't want him to think I think him watching porn is a crime. Or. I'm. Trying to control it. Thought it would be better to focus more on lack of intimacy

  9. #8
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Posts
    506
    Originally Posted by JSDXO
    Thisisrichey yes I think I mostly understand what you are saying. I appreciate you taking the time to give a thoughtful suggestion and advice. I am hoping we can become more attune and in sync. I am willing to make an effort as he is a good partner and father but sex is fundamental. To. Me. In a relationship so yeah. Hopefully once I pop the baby out and recover we will be better too. Thanks a
    Gain
    Hey JSDXO. yes.. it is VERY apparent that sex is VERY fundamental to BOTH of you and that's definitely something you can work with! :)
    It also might just be that you two come to an understanding that sexually anyway, the bedroom you both want just can't happen - and thus come to some agreement about sex until the pregnancy is over with. (aka he can turn to porn while waiting for you to be fullly recovered to come back fully sexually afterwards.. while he agrees to whatever you need him to do to ensure he isn't hurting you or making you feel inadequate - and maybe that is, certain types of porn are off limits. Perhaps its that he must keep it very PRIVATE and non-present around you so it won't make you feel inadequate. perhaps it's an agreement that you go on a rotational basis where he can do porn 1 week and get what he needs to get done, but then the next 2 weeks no porn and any urges he has must be with you...

    again the key here is.. BOTH of your needs must be fed. So there must be some way (there are a million ways) to try and figure out how to feed both of you during this temporary phase where it cant be your full 100% normal bedroom life together.

    It is definitely difficult. NO way around it. And of course NOBODY's fault.
    It just has to be reigned in, talked about, understtood, and worked together on how to make sure you both are getting what you need so you don't keep turning elsewhere taht you never make it back together again.

    Good luck dear. And again, congrats and best wishes on a very healthy pregnancy.

  10. #9
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Posts
    506
    hey here is an idea... do you have friends, relatives, co-workers, colleagues, who can take your currnt child overnight? for a weekend occasionally?
    I use the term "don't forget to keep dating your s/o" to couples. This is very important to keep stuff like... well.. the bedroom alive and kicking :)

    Maybe "mommy/daddy date night out" regularly scheduled or "mommy/daddy weekend away" may help the privacy, the focused nights of escape where you can focus on each other without worrying... and anticipated romance, intimacy, and sex... may help? just brainstorm since you mentioned since kid, it's hard to do your pre-kid rolls in the hay.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    5
    I understand how you feel. When my husband began watching porn I began feeling very inadequate too. It started taking the place of some of our intimacy and that hurt me. One day I was listening to bott radio network and they were talking about marriage and porn and someone referred to it as virtual infidelity. That really rang true for me and made sense. If you’re interested in listening to it you can google the network. I hope this helps. You are not alone. Big hug!

  12. 01-28-2019, 02:48 AM

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •