Escape

I am on a journey of healing from abuse and in recovery from addiction. I have made strides and am feeling better than ever. My family won't let go. I am living with them at almost 30 years old, and as the scapegoat I am told that this is because I am too sick to take care of myself. That might be why I moved back home initially, yet that was YEARS ago--and since then I have completed a certification to change careers and paid off loads of debt. Plus I'm sober and the only one in my family in therapy (how is that possible). As I grow more and more capable, their sickness becomes more apparent. The abuse is more covert. I'm starting to think I might be in real danger. There is no respect for my life or autonomy here. They would rather force me to drink water out of a moldy carafe and get sick then admit that the carafe needs to be washed or to even let me wash it without berating me as I do it. I mean, things need to be maintained and cleaned, that's science...am I living in some kind of cult? The other day I heard my 15 year old sister say "what's a quarter?" after she told me that she didn't have "toxins". Apparently only I have those. I'm mortified. I must have been underground for the last 10 years to miss my sister's steady decline. She is "homeschooled". Well it's called "un-schooling" which is my mom's way of justifying complete neglect. I reported them to CPS several years ago, just to have a real investigation and to ease my own guilt of having to witness the abuse without the power to stop it. All the police and county did was traumatize me and my sister further and left us to go home with our abusers. After that I was labeled a traitor and I don't think my parents or sister will ever forgive me for that. I'm too old to stay here, and the reason I stick around is so my sister doesn't feel abandoned. My sister and I went 15 years without a single fight--and now my family is hitting me where it truly hurts. They are pitting her against me. She bullies me, she is afraid of me, and she thinks I am the evil witch doctor, all of the sudden. After 15 years of being best friends. At the same time my dad begs me to stay because he is obviously the next in line scapegoat, as my mother gaslights, ignores, emotionally blackmails, smears my reputation, and humiliates me and him regularly while she handicaps my sister. At Christmas with extended relatives, people laughed nervously when my mom told me to "sit" and my dad to "stay", just like a person would speak to trained dogs. Later she said that was a joke, and something must be wrong with me for not being able to take a joke. My dad isn't much better as he has full devotion to his wife and totally trusts her judgement, even as it obviously falls apart, or even when it contradicts his own intuition. I'm working this out. I've dated a lot of sociopaths in the past so I understand how to exit slowly. Where I'll go is another story. My biggest concern right now is how I'm going to leave the house alone (for the first time in 2 months) without them chasing me into the street or demanding a long explanation and interrogating me about who I'm with. I just want to go to the movies like any 30 year old without answering my parent's questions or hearing their threats minutes before I go out. . Does anyone have any insight or strategies to share? The last time I caused any narcissistic injury to my mom she threatened to take me to the "doctor" which is kind of this weird tactic that used to scare me as a kid but it's creepy to hear as an adult when they legally have no right to do that unless I am injuring myself or others. My dad also said he would get me put in jail but I am off probation and am free from any life of crime at all, I make a point to follow the law so I can avoid jail. Is it possible for them to do these things to me? How do I protect myself in the event that I am falsely accused of something?

Are there trusted friends or family you can speak with? What about the people involved in your addiction recovery?

You need to get out of that house as fast as possible. Staying there is not helping yourself, your sister or anyone and you have the proof for that because you have been living home and things haven't gotten any better. You are healthier and stronger now, so no, you don't need to live with them. They like feeling you depend on them and having you as a scapegoat. You living in your own place and having your independence far away from the reach of their abuse and manipulation will make you stronger and more capable to make decisions concerning yourself and your sister. And your father saying he'll put you in jail is totally out of line so one more reason to get away before they screw you in more serious ways.

I commend you for getting your life right, paying debt, therapy, staying sober and all that. You've come a long way, but now it's time for one more step towards a better self and a better life. You need to get your own place.

Thank you so much--just the push I needed in the right direction.

Why are you still living there? You need to get out and not look back.

You are 30 years old so I ask you, since you are not a minor, why are you not just packing any belongings and getting yourself out of there after securing yourself another place to live. You are probably eligible for social services and welfare if you're not working. Call social services and get the ball rolling on getting yourself out of there. Stop doing it "slowly" its causing you to not do it at all.

As a recovering addict you will have your own issues and healing to deal with and being around your family will prolong the time it takes you to deal with them. Work on finding your own place and make sure you stay hooked in with a solid group of peers in recovery to help support you through this process... as well as getting some outside help for your trauma.

If you're already on your feet financially, credit yourself with the ability to take the next step: moving into your own place or one with reliable roommates. You're only as stuck as you decide you must be.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This is awful and yes, it is abusive.

Leave as soon as you can. Wait tables, wash cars, do whatever you have to do to pay rent somewhere. As in, leave within days.

Block all of their numbers. Yes, block your own family.

As Dr. Laura would ssy, you got in the wrong line for parents.