How to feel about this?

I went on a first casual dinner date with a guy after our classes at uni, and we talked about things like families, childhood, hobbies, etc. He offered his food for me to try but I declined since it was our first time meeting each other. After dinner he suggested that we walk around the block, and we did. We talked some more our our lives and as we were walking on the sidewalk (I was on the outside) there would be cars driving fast despite being in a apartment complex/plaza. As the second car did that he gently take his hand and push my body to the inside so he could be on the outside. The first time he did this I didn’t say anything, but when we switched route I was on the outside again and he also did the same thing, this time saying he doesn’t feel comfortable letting me walk when cars are driving that dangerously. We ended our 15 min walk with his last question “Where do you see us in the future?”. I asked him what he thinks and he said not anything serious because he just got out of a serious relationship last October. I completely gets it and told him I want something casual as well (just not sexual) bc of my priority of medical school first. He said he understands and won’t push me and suggest maybe we can hang out and stuff. I know that I didn’t give him a clear answer on what I want us to be. What I want is for us to hangout and do stuff a couple would do without the committed title of boyfriend/girlfriend. Since I told him I’ve never dated anyone officially before he said he doesn’t want my first time experiences to be ruined by him but I told him it’s okay bc if I waited for a serious relationship to do all of that, it’ll be till marriage which is ridiculous. He walked me to my car, gave me a hug, and said “See you next time”.

I feel that he put in enough efforts for me to see that he’s not looking for a quick hookup, but maybe his past relationship is still taking a toll on him? Should I directly tell him what I want, to date casually and hang out with each other without commitment and see where that takes us?

Edit: he also hinted during dinner that we should try out this X place next time. He’s also been calling me st night to talk 1-2 times a week if that means anything

You've got common sense. Use it. I don't say that to be rude, but that you'll have to learn to seriously employ some confidence in your point-blank observations. He's been exceptionally clear. He said outright he doesn't want to date seriously due to his recent breakup. It's not a question mark. And not wanting to commit inherently means it's not going to "take you two" anywhere.

He wants to casually date. Seems like he's interested in the actual "dating" aspect as much as the casual, so do it if you want to and don't if you don't. Don't do it with the intent of it ever developing into anything, though. Personally, I think you're kidding yourself thinking you're game for it, but you know you better than I do.

Exactly what j.man said.

Brass tacks: He is 100 percent okay with hanging out and having sex without it going anywhere. That is what he is looking for—the "future" he described.

You sound very much like someone convincing yourself that you might be cool with that, though if you were you'd likely not be posting here.

He sensed this in you—hence the comment about not wanting to "ruin" the experience—but is continuing to stay in contact because, well, he's a dude and he's trying to gauge whether he can enter into a casual sexual relationship with you that goes nowhere without feeling guilty.

It would be best to take him at his word. He's looking for casual, not long term. Not "where it takes us".Don't tell him what he wants to hear if it's not what you want. Be honest with yourself.

he said not anything serious because he just got out of a serious relationship last October. I directly tell him what I want, to date casually and hang out with each other without commitment and see where that takes us?

OP you are contradicting yourself here.... you claim to be looking for a casual relationship but you also seem to want a future with this guy.... I would suggest not having any expectations of a future with him because he has told you he doesn't want one with you. If you are totally okay with that then go for it and have some fun with the expectation that it will probably fizzle out on its own after a few months.

Explain to us exactly what you want. I know you don't want anything serious to interfere with your studies but explain what "casual dating" means to you.

Does it mean you can date other people?

Will you both be monogamous?

When you are out will it be dutch?

How often would you want to "hang out"

What does "hang out" mean to you?

He has been pretty upfront here and has shown he is a gentleman at least so that is all good but until you know what you want (be honest with yourself) and can articulate that to him there is a good chance you will get hurt when you catch feelings for this guy and he doesn't reciprocate.

It really sounds like a friends with benefits thing without actually calling it that.

Decide what you really want and what you can handle emotionally and then talk it over with him.

Lost

Brutal truth - some time during your date he decided that you aren't his type and so not gf material. However, he found you attractive enough to demote you to a potential fck buddy IF you are willing to play that game. I think you'd be a complete fool to accept this deal. I'd probably think differently if he had been upfront with you from the get go that he is only looking for casual, but he didn't. He evaluated the date and then put you in a low category.

I'd tell him thanks but no thanks and move on.

Also, like other posters, I'm kind of sensing that you aren't really being honest about what you want. Sounds like you want the normal stuff - date to eventually develop into a relationship. This guy told you straight up that will never happen and I agree that after a few dates or a month or two he'll disappear on you as he finds someone he sees more future potential with.

I would tell him that if he is ever in the position of wanting a relationship give you a call - but you are not up for being a rebound. I don't think he downgraded you -- he was warning you about himself.

Lots of people are encoruaged to "get out there" after a breakup and in reality they have nothing to give.

Honestly, i get the "i don't want anything serious because i am in school". On the contrary, i would find a guy who wants a relationship but is busy like you -- meaning that he is not ready for marriage and kids by far, and is too scheduled for formal courtship -- but where dating looks like late night pizza, sponteneous meetups, studying together and not saying a word, etc. vs formal dates. To me that is the version of casual you want.

I've found it easier not to get hung up on what other people want once I learned to get clear about what ~I~ want. Once I clarified for myself that I am relationship material, then playing games that include the word 'casual' dropped off the table for me. From there, I've been able to tell new dates exactly why I'm dating: to find a long term relationship. I've been able to learn whether they are clear about what they want, or not. If not, I tell them how much I enjoyed getting to know them, and if they're ever clear that they want to date for the same reasons I'm dating, they can let me know. Otherwise, I wish them the best.

Boom! Clarity.

Nobody can confuse you once you're already clear about where YOU stand.

Just keep hanging out with him and see where it takes you. Keep the lines of communication open. I'm sure things will be brought up in conversation from time to time...one step at a time. If it gets to a point neither of you want the same thing, then call it and move on. I know you or him may have something in mind, but over time that could change too.

Don't put the cart before the horse. It's one date, and he was exceptionally polite and chivalrous. I think him asking you about what you "think of us" or your future is too much, too soon on his part. It kind of flew you into a frenzy. You aren't looking to be locked into a long-term relationship, marriage and babies and white picket fence with a dog and a cat and maybe a pony just yet. You want easy, casual.

Maybe he used the wrong words or presented the "us" question a bit clunky, but I appreciate his honesty in putting it out there that he's all of four months out of a relationship, and isn't really looking at anything serious right now. He wanted to be sure you knew, and also put out the feelers on what you want. You avoided the subject rather that being forthright...you really don't want anything serious either. I know you were afraid of him scuttling away if you answered wrong, when you'd probably like to get a little more time out of him. You seem to have a desire to pursue the long-term, not play, but at the same time, you want to keep some separation.

As others have said already, you need to decide what you want and what you can deal with, and cut the cord if it's not working. You also have to be open to the fact that the men you date will cut the cord if you are seeking something they don't want or cannot provide. It's a 50/50 split here, and both parties have free agency to move on...or stay...and it sucks and hurts when they aren't on the same page and you don't answer the "right" way, and they leave, ghost, break up...and it sucks when you're the one that has to do it as well. I have yet to determine whether it's better to be the breaker or breakee...they both suck.

Your date sounded very wonderful. His acts of providing and protecting have me swooning a little (actually a lot). Us ladies don't really need jackets tossed over puddles, and we don't really need the man to walk on the street side, open doors, or pull out chairs, but it really means a lot when they do. We're pretty hard-wired in this capacity in that we need and want providers and protectors.

This guy annoys me a little that he threw out a "define the relationship" question with such severity so soon. It was one date. I can see myself getting a little frenzied and over-analyzing if I was tossed this question so quickly.

My thought/advice is to be clear on your own intentions, and run the risk that this might make a guy run away...and this is good because you really don't want to waste a lot of time or emotion on a non-starter anyway. If you want to continue seeing this guy, this is just for fun...no expectations. You KNOW you are a rebound...are you okay with that? Can you do that? Can he? You can see where it goes, knowing full well it can go nowhere, but it's super fun right now...some smooching, some food, drink, dinners, a companion to bring to that "thing" you want to do but don't want to do it alone, with hand-holding and snuggling. It was only one date, and if you like the guy, a second and third date are perfectly reasonable to see how things play out...this is the purpose of dating. Have some fun with it.

I completely gets it and told him I want something casual as well (just not sexual) bc of my priority of medical school first. He said he understands and won’t push me and suggest maybe we can hang out and stuff. I know that I didn’t give him a clear answer on what I want us to be. What I want is for us to hangout and do stuff a couple would do without the committed title of boyfriend/girlfriend. Since I told him I’ve never dated anyone officially before he said he doesn’t want my first time experiences to be ruined by him but I told him it’s okay bc if I waited for a serious relationship to do all of that, it’ll be till marriage which is ridiculous. He walked me to my car, gave me a hug, and said “See you next time”.

 

I feel that he put in enough efforts for me to see that he’s not looking for a quick hookup, but maybe his past relationship is still taking a toll on him? Should I directly tell him what I want, to date casually and hang out with each other without commitment and see where that takes us?

Edit: he also hinted during dinner that we should try out this X place next time.

Did you actually tell him those words `not sexual' because if you didn't I think you just agreed to give your virginity away to someone looking for a hook up.

You were clear with us what it is you do and do not want, but you gave him a mixed message and it appears he interpreted the way he wanted to.

He’s also been calling me st night to talk 1-2 times a week if that means anything