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Thread: Husband wants to have sex with men

  1. #1
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    Husband wants to have sex with men

    oThis could get really long, so I'm going to tell the edited version & can elaborate later.

    H & I have always had what I thought was a very open sexual dialogue & rather creative sex life. We've openly discussed our fantasies but instead of acting out on them, we pretend we did & make up stories. His is 2 or 3 extra guys & me being the dirty . I'm open minded, but trains aren't my thing! Scenarios like that also make up his favorite porn to watch.

    I had to use his phone the other day and when I went to open it, there was a notification for a reply to an ad on CL looking for a "hung activity partner m4m". Of course I opened it & H was the original poster. The other man was VERY into them meeting up. I don't think they have...yet. So, I kept digging & found several more spanning for years! In one message he described his fantasy to be HIM being the dirty for a room full of men. I just also discovered he just opened a free phone & text app & is hiding it as well.

    Honestly, I do not care if he's attracted to men. I care that he's sneaking behind my back, lying and disrespecting me and our relationship. I'm hurt that he feels he can't tell me about that part of himself. That said, I'm not into sharing, either. IDK how to address this with him. How do I start it off? "So, honey I know that you'd really like to be a little for a room full of men disrespecting you"...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I consider this cheating. This is beyond just a fantasy. I'd confront him about. Also, since there's the possibility he's having sex with people outside the marriage, I suggest a complete std scan.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, this is a can of worms, isn't it?

    I think you have to address this, stat, and fortunately it sounds like you guys might have the capacity to do so: that open sexual dialogue, and so on. Time to see how open it can really be, since he's been holding one very important card to his chest—an attraction to men, which he has been acting on for years.

    The attraction to men you say you're fine with—not a marriage dealbreaker. Okay, great. What you are not fine with is his hiding this from you, exploring it elsewhere, perhaps just on the computer, perhaps not. To that latter point: for your own health you really, really need to address this. Has he been sleeping with men while sleeping with you? Does he feel like sleeping with a man is something he needs to do?

    These are questions you need answered to see if this is a marriage that will work for you.

    Now, how to bring this up? I think you tell him (calmly) exactly what happened: went to use his phone, saw the ad, saw the history, and you are very, very hurt and confused. Hurt and confused because, suddenly, your sexual openness doesn't feel so genuine, that his going behind your back is a violation of trust, a violation of the openness that you love so much about your marriage.

    And see what he says, see how what he says makes you feel. Given how close you are, I suspect you're gut will tell you what's what pretty quickly.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Why not tell him exactly how it happened - that the notice popped up. That now you know, and he doesn't have to hide anymore.

    Engage with him in your role as his best friend, through a lens of love and compassion. He must have felt shame and pain for many years.

    For yourself, deal with your feelings, health issues, and relationship concerns privately, at first. Process everything, find what scenario gives you peace, and do that.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is going on. Unfortunately you don't know what's talk, fantasy or actions at this point. The best thing to do is go to a physician privately and confidentially and get a complete checkup including STDs and HIV/Hep C and B, etc. At that time get a referral to a therapist go by yourself privately and confidentially and discuss your findings and feelings.

    At this point his deception has gone on so long it's doubtful a confrontation would yield much until you first get checked out physically and second sort things out with your own therapist first. It's a lot more than "not sharing fantasies" at this point.
    Originally Posted by 12letters
    a reply to an ad on CL looking for a "hung activity partner m4m". H was the original poster. I kept digging & found several more spanning for years! I care that he's sneaking behind my back, lying and disrespecting me and our relationship.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I'm sorry but I think you need to assume and accept at this point that what he is doing goes way beyond just fantasies. As you said, you aren't the kind of a person who is willing to share, so he hasn't told you. You do need to get checked for all STD's, yes HIV too. I think that before you confront him with what you found, you need to sort yourself out and know what you want - stay in the marriage, part ways, work something out given that there are no more secrets going forward, etc. Sit down and talk only once you know where you personally stand with all this. Consider also, that hiding and sneaking around is part of the high, so even if this is out in the open, he might find something new to hide and sneak around about. You kind of have to take a fresh look at who your husband actually is.

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    He is lying and cheating on you. He has reached to other men planning hook ups. That is cheating.

    Are you cool with him being with other people? I would also assume he has had sex with men.

    Get tested. I hope you use protection?

    The marriage would be over for me.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 01-24-2019 at 07:12 PM.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Why not tell him exactly how it happened - that the notice popped up. That now you know, and he doesn't have to hide anymore.

    Engage with him in your role as his best friend, through a lens of love and compassion. He must have felt shame and pain for many years.

    For yourself, deal with your feelings, health issues, and relationship concerns privately, at first. Process everything, find what scenario gives you peace, and do that.
    Compassion? The guy is cheating on her. Would you have said the same if it were with numerous, random women?

    I would be upset that my partner had broken my trust, and more importantly risked my life. To hell with compassion!

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Why not tell him exactly how it happened - that the notice popped up. That now you know, and he doesn't have to hide anymore.

    Engage with him in your role as his best friend, through a lens of love and compassion. He must have felt shame and pain for many years.

    For yourself, deal with your feelings, health issues, and relationship concerns privately, at first. Process everything, find what scenario gives you peace, and do that.
    The love and compassion she needs is for HERSELF. Many people won't care about themselves enough and will have their head in the sand.
    If i were her, I would speak to my attorney - my marriage would be over.
    But if she doesn't feel she wants to make that step then she needs to confront him and set boundaries that she will not have sex with him because she doesn't want to get an STD.
    Cheaters don't get compassion just because the other party is same sex

    If her husband came to her and admitted tearfully that he is attracted to men and doesn't think he can go forward in a monogamous marriage and he NEVER looked outside his marriage or cheated - then yes, compassion towards him, but compassion towards her, first and foremost since her marriage is a sham.

  11. #10
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    Damn this sucks! I am trying to not let on that I know until I can talk to somebody first for my own head, but I don't think I can. I'm a terrible liar & I can count the times I've turned down sex. I think I'm going to address it in the morning after I take our son to school.

    I definitely need to stop reading his emails. There are some things he has said that have forever changed the way I see him!

    Side note...this is the first time he's messaged with anybody since we have been married. Im certain of that because he seems to have saved every single m4m correspondence he's had.

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