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Thread: Husband wants to have sex with men

  1. #31
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    In case you come back: I shared this story (even more confidentially of course) and affirmed the idea of love and compassion. My bf said, "Of course he didn't tell her!" and also, "Sometimes people need to work through some things. Maybe he had sexual violence in his past and he trying to own that experience so heisn't a victim. Or maybe he has some other need he is trying to meet, or some other trauma or anxiety." Yes, he needs to come clean with you. You may need to consider: are you okay with him being with men if he is safe? If it is only a fantasy? If there is no emotional intimacy? Or maybe, only if there is a deeper connection, or only if he tells you about it and you agree to the person and situation in advance, or maybe only with women, and not with men, or only if you watch, or.... who knows? Bf and I (we are monogamous, if it matters) agree that relationships can be defined however we want, and also that there are hurdles much bigger than infidelity (despite us each having deeply painful experiences with infidelity).

    To me, it sounds like you two have a lot of ways in which you found trust and a shared perspective. Don't take the simple route and view your whole relationship through this one lens. He is still the man you have known and loved. Now, you are learning about a part of him that scares even him. Tread gently, and choose your own path -- while also having faith that he must have been deeply needy to take the steps he has taken. Learn and understand , that is your first objective because with that, you will be able to best decide how to proceed for yourself.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    ^^^ I hope that Op can do all that without tearing down personal or romantic relationship boundaries to get there. Boundaries are there to keep us safe and from being manipulated into unhealthy situations by those who love us and who we love. If we tear down boundaries in order to accommodate something that goes against our own sensibilities then we are creeping into codependency and we have become an enabler while we lose ourselves in another.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    ^^^ I hope that Op can do all that without tearing down personal or romantic relationship boundaries to get there. Boundaries are there to keep us safe and from being manipulated into unhealthy situations by those who love us and who we love. If we tear down boundaries in order to accommodate something that goes against our own sensibilities then we are creeping into codependency and we have become an enabler while we lose ourselves in another.
    Agree.

    It is important to understand without assuming responsibility, offering therapy, or accepting the unacceptable however she defines it. If they succeed at owning their own behavior and analysis, they will do okay.

    Boundaries make it easier for me to offer compassion with an open ear and mind, because its clear to me what I did and what I didn't do.

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