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Thread: Husband wants to have sex with men

  1. #21
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    The marriage would be over for me. Trust is gone.
    Yes but that isn't the OP's perspective.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by 12letters
    I'm laying here in bed right now writing out what I hope to be able to say. I have no intention of "f you, I'm out". For one, I want to know for sure the length of time & if he's been physical with anybody since we've been together. (Yes, I already went to the clinic this afternoon.) I agree that honesty is #1. If he'd have come to me and told me what he was craving, we could've discussed it & maybe come up with some roleplay or something. I don't think that he's getting off on the actual lying. Hes told me things that part of me wished he hadn't because of our transparency agreement. I've never indicated TMI because I respected his bravery & it made me even more proud to be his girl.
    But if he admits that he wants to be with a man? you can't really "roleplay" that. Maybe not F you i am out - but honestly, i would uncouple. Maybe not slam the door and huff out but make a transition to being no longer married but less door slammig

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Yes but that isn't the OP's perspective.
    You're right. I'm not ready to dismiss our entire relationship.

    His fantasy I read about:

    There is a huge selection of porn films where some dorky or redneck white guy has to hand his girl over to a host of black men to pay back a debt or something. There could be 3, 7, 12....however many. Essentially they all run a train on her & she's steady taking it in all 3 holes. The first few minutes she looks scared & then she starts loving it. Theres always....creative things they do with their baby batter. The men are (of course) always HUGE. Well, he wants to be HER!

    He's a very well endowed man himself & that has been a requirement in each post is that they be bigger than him & he'd prefer them be black, but its not a deal breaker if they're white. Average size is a deal breaker.

    I'm not sexually shy or anything, but he definitely runs the show & he runs it very well. Its actually disturbing for me to think of him in such a victim for pleasure manner. Maybe he wants to know what its like to be his own lover? Idk.

    I think he's piecing together that I'm onto him. He's avoiding me like crazy. He even said something earlier about how he's never went through and cleaned out his email & how long he'd already been on his phone deleting "old and irrelevant" messages. I won't be surprised if he doesn't keep ducking me until time for our son to get home from school & magically falls asleep while I'm putting the minion to bed.

    Its shame. I'm sure of that.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by 12letters
    You're right. I'm not ready to dismiss our entire relationship.

    His fantasy I read about:

    There is a huge selection of porn films where some dorky or redneck white guy has to hand his girl over to a host of black men to pay back a debt or something. There could be 3, 7, 12....however many. Essentially they all run a train on her & she's steady taking it in all 3 holes. The first few minutes she looks scared & then she starts loving it. Theres always....creative things they do with their baby batter. The men are (of course) always HUGE. Well, he wants to be HER!

    He's a very well endowed man himself & that has been a requirement in each post is that they be bigger than him & he'd prefer them be black, but its not a deal breaker if they're white. Average size is a deal breaker.

    I'm not sexually shy or anything, but he definitely runs the show & he runs it very well. Its actually disturbing for me to think of him in such a victim for pleasure manner. Maybe he wants to know what its like to be his own lover? Idk.

    I think he's piecing together that I'm onto him. He's avoiding me like crazy. He even said something earlier about how he's never went through and cleaned out his email & how long he'd already been on his phone deleting "old and irrelevant" messages. I won't be surprised if he doesn't keep ducking me until time for our son to get home from school & magically falls asleep while I'm putting the minion to bed.

    Its shame. I'm sure of that.
    If you are so open and open minded, what's to be ashamed of? I know this is a shock to you and I hope you've copied those e-mails because what you are going to be met with is absolute denial and if he is telling you he is going through and clearing out his e-mails, then yes, somehow he is aware you've seen what you have and is busy covering his tracks. I'm sorry, but I think there are serious rough waters ahead for you and you will need to adjust how you see him. He isn't a victim. You would actually be wise to investigate more what's really going on with your husband behind your back. I hope it's not a situation of a small town where everyone knows except you and everyone keeps their mouth shut assuming you know and are cool with it.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Using my friend as an example, he was ashamed of his desires and he was concerned it would make him less desirable, sexually. And it would, to many. Not to me, not to his wife, but to many, certainly. I raised it up over drinks with a group of liberal women friends, and it broke up the party, regrettably. The conversation devolved into "He's gay!" versus "Why does it matter if he is hetero, bi, gay, or fetishist... what label matters?" And it devolved into judgment, which surprised me greatly because these women have gay family and gay friends of both/all genders.

    I think you have a good understanding of your H. I think he is hiding from himself and from you, for different reasons. Given his degree of avoidance, you may want to write him a brief note. However you approach, I still believe it is most effective to approach with a tone of love and compassion. Seek to understand him and to understand what has been going on, and what he intends to continue, and what he intends for the future. Then take whatever time you need to process.

    Lest anyone misunderstand me, we can divorce each in a loving manner, should that become necessary, and in your case -- though I hope you don't have to end up apart -- if you do, a loving parting might be possible, especially if your health has not been affected. You are not his teacher or his parent; punishing him isn't the point. However logical it is to feel pain and to feel wronged and therefore to feel anger, unloading that on him will only push you further apart and make it more difficult for you to learn any of the truth. It will also result in more pain, and less understanding, and that seems to be counterproductive in any situation.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Yes but that isn't the OP's perspective.
    She said this: I'm not into sharing, either.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    She said this: I'm not into sharing, either.
    Yes. These two have a lot of work to do. A new set of ground rules, a decision to maintain them, an effort at building self-acceptance to enhance integrity and transparency, and a maintenance plan.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Yes. These two have a lot of work to do. A new set of ground rules, a decision to maintain them, an effort at building self-acceptance to enhance integrity and transparency, and a maintenance plan.
    Of which ALL will be impossible unless they get the help of third party professional marriage/couples counselor that will guide them in regaining trust and her acceptance of a husband she's just found out is bi-sexual.

  10. #29
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    I sincerely appreciate everybody's input and viewpoints. Wish me luck!

  11. #30
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by 12letters
    I sincerely appreciate everybody's input and viewpoints. Wish me luck!
    Good luck!

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