Jump to content

Husband wants to have sex with men


12letters

Recommended Posts

oThis could get really long, so I'm going to tell the edited version & can elaborate later.

 

H & I have always had what I thought was a very open sexual dialogue & rather creative sex life. We've openly discussed our fantasies but instead of acting out on them, we pretend we did & make up stories. His is 2 or 3 extra guys & me being the dirty . I'm open minded, but trains aren't my thing! Scenarios like that also make up his favorite porn to watch.

 

I had to use his phone the other day and when I went to open it, there was a notification for a reply to an ad on CL looking for a "hung activity partner m4m". Of course I opened it & H was the original poster. The other man was VERY into them meeting up. I don't think they have...yet. So, I kept digging & found several more spanning for years! In one message he described his fantasy to be HIM being the dirty for a room full of men. I just also discovered he just opened a free phone & text app & is hiding it as well.

 

Honestly, I do not care if he's attracted to men. I care that he's sneaking behind my back, lying and disrespecting me and our relationship. I'm hurt that he feels he can't tell me about that part of himself. That said, I'm not into sharing, either. IDK how to address this with him. How do I start it off? "So, honey I know that you'd really like to be a little for a room full of men disrespecting you"...

Link to comment

Well, this is a can of worms, isn't it?

 

I think you have to address this, stat, and fortunately it sounds like you guys might have the capacity to do so: that open sexual dialogue, and so on. Time to see how open it can really be, since he's been holding one very important card to his chest—an attraction to men, which he has been acting on for years.

 

The attraction to men you say you're fine with—not a marriage dealbreaker. Okay, great. What you are not fine with is his hiding this from you, exploring it elsewhere, perhaps just on the computer, perhaps not. To that latter point: for your own health you really, really need to address this. Has he been sleeping with men while sleeping with you? Does he feel like sleeping with a man is something he needs to do?

 

These are questions you need answered to see if this is a marriage that will work for you.

 

Now, how to bring this up? I think you tell him (calmly) exactly what happened: went to use his phone, saw the ad, saw the history, and you are very, very hurt and confused. Hurt and confused because, suddenly, your sexual openness doesn't feel so genuine, that his going behind your back is a violation of trust, a violation of the openness that you love so much about your marriage.

 

And see what he says, see how what he says makes you feel. Given how close you are, I suspect you're gut will tell you what's what pretty quickly.

Link to comment

Why not tell him exactly how it happened - that the notice popped up. That now you know, and he doesn't have to hide anymore.

 

Engage with him in your role as his best friend, through a lens of love and compassion. He must have felt shame and pain for many years.

 

For yourself, deal with your feelings, health issues, and relationship concerns privately, at first. Process everything, find what scenario gives you peace, and do that.

Link to comment

Sorry this is going on. Unfortunately you don't know what's talk, fantasy or actions at this point. The best thing to do is go to a physician privately and confidentially and get a complete checkup including STDs and HIV/Hep C and B, etc. At that time get a referral to a therapist go by yourself privately and confidentially and discuss your findings and feelings.

 

At this point his deception has gone on so long it's doubtful a confrontation would yield much until you first get checked out physically and second sort things out with your own therapist first. It's a lot more than "not sharing fantasies" at this point.

a reply to an ad on CL looking for a "hung activity partner m4m". H was the original poster. I kept digging & found several more spanning for years! I care that he's sneaking behind my back, lying and disrespecting me and our relationship.
Link to comment

I'm sorry but I think you need to assume and accept at this point that what he is doing goes way beyond just fantasies. As you said, you aren't the kind of a person who is willing to share, so he hasn't told you. You do need to get checked for all STD's, yes HIV too. I think that before you confront him with what you found, you need to sort yourself out and know what you want - stay in the marriage, part ways, work something out given that there are no more secrets going forward, etc. Sit down and talk only once you know where you personally stand with all this. Consider also, that hiding and sneaking around is part of the high, so even if this is out in the open, he might find something new to hide and sneak around about. You kind of have to take a fresh look at who your husband actually is.

Link to comment

He is lying and cheating on you. He has reached to other men planning hook ups. That is cheating.

 

Are you cool with him being with other people? I would also assume he has had sex with men.

 

Get tested. I hope you use protection?

 

The marriage would be over for me.

Link to comment
Why not tell him exactly how it happened - that the notice popped up. That now you know, and he doesn't have to hide anymore.

 

Engage with him in your role as his best friend, through a lens of love and compassion. He must have felt shame and pain for many years.

 

For yourself, deal with your feelings, health issues, and relationship concerns privately, at first. Process everything, find what scenario gives you peace, and do that.

 

Compassion? The guy is cheating on her. Would you have said the same if it were with numerous, random women?

 

I would be upset that my partner had broken my trust, and more importantly risked my life. To hell with compassion!

Link to comment
Why not tell him exactly how it happened - that the notice popped up. That now you know, and he doesn't have to hide anymore.

 

Engage with him in your role as his best friend, through a lens of love and compassion. He must have felt shame and pain for many years.

 

For yourself, deal with your feelings, health issues, and relationship concerns privately, at first. Process everything, find what scenario gives you peace, and do that.

 

The love and compassion she needs is for HERSELF. Many people won't care about themselves enough and will have their head in the sand.

If i were her, I would speak to my attorney - my marriage would be over.

But if she doesn't feel she wants to make that step then she needs to confront him and set boundaries that she will not have sex with him because she doesn't want to get an STD.

Cheaters don't get compassion just because the other party is same sex

 

If her husband came to her and admitted tearfully that he is attracted to men and doesn't think he can go forward in a monogamous marriage and he NEVER looked outside his marriage or cheated - then yes, compassion towards him, but compassion towards her, first and foremost since her marriage is a sham.

Link to comment

Damn this sucks! I am trying to not let on that I know until I can talk to somebody first for my own head, but I don't think I can. I'm a terrible liar & I can count the times I've turned down sex. I think I'm going to address it in the morning after I take our son to school.

 

I definitely need to stop reading his emails. There are some things he has said that have forever changed the way I see him!

 

Side note...this is the first time he's messaged with anybody since we have been married. Im certain of that because he seems to have saved every single m4m correspondence he's had.

Link to comment
Compassion? The guy is cheating on her. Would you have said the same if it were with numerous, random women?

 

I would be upset that my partner had broken my trust, and more importantly risked my life. To hell with compassion!

 

Well, yeah. Same either way. The lying was the primary problem for her, not the other people. Why did he lie, given their open channels of communication? 1. because he was afraid to lose her 2. because he was afraid to lose his (stolen) privileges and/or 3 because he was ashamed of his attraction.

 

What good would it do to berate him? He will clam up, she will learn very little, and that's that. Instead, they can treat each other gently, and he is much more likely to talk. She can then decide how she wants to proceed.

 

Its not about punishing him, its about deciding what to do next.

 

And yes, compassion and advocacy for herself.

Link to comment

Wow. They have changed the way you see him. Those messages will be indelible.

 

I value honesty and discretion more than i value monogamy, but i do require all three. When you address this with him, please try to be calm and compassionate at the same time you are being firm. A sentence like, "We may need to make some dramatic changes" is more effective than "f you, I'm out."

Link to comment
Wow. They have changed the way you see him. Those messages will be indelible.

 

I value honesty and discretion more than i value monogamy, but i do require all three. When you address this with him, please try to be calm and compassionate at the same time you are being firm. A sentence like, "We may need to make some dramatic changes" is more effective than "f you, I'm out."

I'm laying here in bed right now writing out what I hope to be able to say. I have no intention of "f you, I'm out". For one, I want to know for sure the length of time & if he's been physical with anybody since we've been together. (Yes, I already went to the clinic this afternoon.) I agree that honesty is #1. If he'd have come to me and told me what he was craving, we could've discussed it & maybe come up with some roleplay or something. I don't think that he's getting off on the actual lying. Hes told me things that part of me wished he hadn't because of our transparency agreement. I've never indicated TMI because I respected his bravery & it made me even more proud to be his girl.
Link to comment
Well, yeah. Same either way. The lying was the primary problem for her, not the other people. Why did he lie, given their open channels of communication? 1. because he was afraid to lose her 2. because he was afraid to lose his (stolen) privileges and/or 3 because he was ashamed of his attraction.

 

What good would it do to berate him? He will clam up, she will learn very little, and that's that. Instead, they can treat each other gently, and he is much more likely to talk. She can then decide how she wants to proceed.

 

Its not about punishing him, its about deciding what to do next.

 

And yes, compassion and advocacy for herself.

I think its #3. He's a very masculine man and is quite popular in our town. Everybody knows the story of his difficult journey through life and everybody loves him.

 

I can't rule out #1, because I remember one night a long time ago we were watching a movie & a girl walked in on her man getting pounded. I made a comment similar to, "I don't know I'd do if I walked in & you had a man throwing it down you like you do me".

Link to comment

Sorry this is going on. Yes it's a game changer and you are married to someone on the down low with a double life. Your marriage and husband are a mirage. Please see a doctor and therapist asap. And get tested. What you uncovered is the tip of the iceberg and only what you happened to stumble upon. You can't be "certain" of anything right now. Clearly this is all a deception and of course at some point you need to confront him. Do not have sex or believe any more of his lies.

There are some things he has said that have forever changed the way I see him!

 

.this is the first time he's messaged with anybody since we have been married. Im certain of that because he seems to have saved every single m4m correspondence he's had.

Link to comment

OP, Some posters are replying as if your marriage is over. I am not ready to make that conclusion. I have friends, more than one couple, who have withstood cheating - which is what this is, after all. I also have friends who have certain permissions with regards to sex, including same sex partners outside of marriage. For them, the physical experience with others isn't random and it has meaning, but not the multifaceted connection of their marriage.

 

I agree with you about shame. Because of the specifics of his fantasy, I draw no conclusions as to his situation. Socially and in the US where i am familiar with the research, we (typically) assign sexual power to each gender in different ways. Your husband's activity seems specific to his fantasy. He is still desirous of sex with you.

 

There are health issues, honesty issues, and questions as to how far he needs to go and does it have an end or does it constantly escalate in search of a heightened experience. Also whether he has any desire for an emotional connection, for same gender dating in addition to hook ups. A sexual addiction therapy plan and/or group may be useful

 

I am thinking of one of my friends in particular who is very masculine, very sexual, and who is interested in one sort of m2m interaction. He was tentative about telling me, and telling his wife. He did, and he has a hook up partner who also is very masculine, married, and affirmatively hetero in all other respects. Their sex play, to me, is more about penile fascination and power/subordination (it isn't D/s - i don't mean that.) Nobody knows, at least in theory, and he is happy to have this outlet.

Link to comment
OP, Some posters are replying as if your marriage is over. I am not ready to make that conclusion. I have friends, more than one couple, who have withstood cheating - which is what this is, after all. I also have friends who have certain permissions with regards to sex, including same sex partners outside of marriage. For them, the physical experience with others isn't random and it has meaning, but not the multifaceted connection of their marriage.

 

I agree with you about shame. Because of the specifics of his fantasy, I draw no conclusions as to his situation. Socially and in the US where i am familiar with the research, we (typically) assign sexual power to each gender in different ways. Your husband's activity seems specific to his fantasy. He is still desirous of sex with you.

 

There are health issues, honesty issues, and questions as to how far he needs to go and does it have an end or does it constantly escalate in search of a heightened experience. Also whether he has any desire for an emotional connection, for same gender dating in addition to hook ups. A sexual addiction therapy plan and/or group may be useful

 

I am thinking of one of my friends in particular who is very masculine, very sexual, and who is interested in one sort of m2m interaction. He was tentative about telling me, and telling his wife. He did, and he has a hook up partner who also is very masculine, married, and affirmatively hetero in all other respects. Their sex play, to me, is more about penile fascination and power/subordination (it isn't D/s - i don't mean that.) Nobody knows, at least in theory, and he is happy to have this outlet.

 

The marriage would be over for me. Trust is gone.

Link to comment
I'm laying here in bed right now writing out what I hope to be able to say. I have no intention of "f you, I'm out". For one, I want to know for sure the length of time & if he's been physical with anybody since we've been together. (Yes, I already went to the clinic this afternoon.) I agree that honesty is #1. If he'd have come to me and told me what he was craving, we could've discussed it & maybe come up with some roleplay or something. I don't think that he's getting off on the actual lying. Hes told me things that part of me wished he hadn't because of our transparency agreement. I've never indicated TMI because I respected his bravery & it made me even more proud to be his girl.

 

But if he admits that he wants to be with a man? you can't really "roleplay" that. Maybe not F you i am out - but honestly, i would uncouple. Maybe not slam the door and huff out but make a transition to being no longer married but less door slammig

Link to comment
Yes but that isn't the OP's perspective.
You're right. I'm not ready to dismiss our entire relationship.

 

His fantasy I read about:

 

There is a huge selection of porn films where some dorky or redneck white guy has to hand his girl over to a host of black men to pay back a debt or something. There could be 3, 7, 12....however many. Essentially they all run a train on her & she's steady taking it in all 3 holes. The first few minutes she looks scared & then she starts loving it. Theres always....creative things they do with their baby batter. The men are (of course) always HUGE. Well, he wants to be HER!

 

He's a very well endowed man himself & that has been a requirement in each post is that they be bigger than him & he'd prefer them be black, but its not a deal breaker if they're white. Average size is a deal breaker.

 

I'm not sexually shy or anything, but he definitely runs the show & he runs it very well. Its actually disturbing for me to think of him in such a victim for pleasure manner. Maybe he wants to know what its like to be his own lover? Idk.

 

I think he's piecing together that I'm onto him. He's avoiding me like crazy. He even said something earlier about how he's never went through and cleaned out his email & how long he'd already been on his phone deleting "old and irrelevant" messages. I won't be surprised if he doesn't keep ducking me until time for our son to get home from school & magically falls asleep while I'm putting the minion to bed.

 

Its shame. I'm sure of that.

Link to comment
You're right. I'm not ready to dismiss our entire relationship.

 

His fantasy I read about:

 

There is a huge selection of porn films where some dorky or redneck white guy has to hand his girl over to a host of black men to pay back a debt or something. There could be 3, 7, 12....however many. Essentially they all run a train on her & she's steady taking it in all 3 holes. The first few minutes she looks scared & then she starts loving it. Theres always....creative things they do with their baby batter. The men are (of course) always HUGE. Well, he wants to be HER!

 

He's a very well endowed man himself & that has been a requirement in each post is that they be bigger than him & he'd prefer them be black, but its not a deal breaker if they're white. Average size is a deal breaker.

 

I'm not sexually shy or anything, but he definitely runs the show & he runs it very well. Its actually disturbing for me to think of him in such a victim for pleasure manner. Maybe he wants to know what its like to be his own lover? Idk.

 

I think he's piecing together that I'm onto him. He's avoiding me like crazy. He even said something earlier about how he's never went through and cleaned out his email & how long he'd already been on his phone deleting "old and irrelevant" messages. I won't be surprised if he doesn't keep ducking me until time for our son to get home from school & magically falls asleep while I'm putting the minion to bed.

 

Its shame. I'm sure of that.

 

If you are so open and open minded, what's to be ashamed of? I know this is a shock to you and I hope you've copied those e-mails because what you are going to be met with is absolute denial and if he is telling you he is going through and clearing out his e-mails, then yes, somehow he is aware you've seen what you have and is busy covering his tracks. I'm sorry, but I think there are serious rough waters ahead for you and you will need to adjust how you see him. He isn't a victim. You would actually be wise to investigate more what's really going on with your husband behind your back. I hope it's not a situation of a small town where everyone knows except you and everyone keeps their mouth shut assuming you know and are cool with it.

Link to comment

Using my friend as an example, he was ashamed of his desires and he was concerned it would make him less desirable, sexually. And it would, to many. Not to me, not to his wife, but to many, certainly. I raised it up over drinks with a group of liberal women friends, and it broke up the party, regrettably. The conversation devolved into "He's gay!" versus "Why does it matter if he is hetero, bi, gay, or fetishist... what label matters?" And it devolved into judgment, which surprised me greatly because these women have gay family and gay friends of both/all genders.

 

I think you have a good understanding of your H. I think he is hiding from himself and from you, for different reasons. Given his degree of avoidance, you may want to write him a brief note. However you approach, I still believe it is most effective to approach with a tone of love and compassion. Seek to understand him and to understand what has been going on, and what he intends to continue, and what he intends for the future. Then take whatever time you need to process.

 

Lest anyone misunderstand me, we can divorce each in a loving manner, should that become necessary, and in your case -- though I hope you don't have to end up apart -- if you do, a loving parting might be possible, especially if your health has not been affected. You are not his teacher or his parent; punishing him isn't the point. However logical it is to feel pain and to feel wronged and therefore to feel anger, unloading that on him will only push you further apart and make it more difficult for you to learn any of the truth. It will also result in more pain, and less understanding, and that seems to be counterproductive in any situation.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...