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Thread: Husband wants to have sex with men

  1. #11
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    How many are there?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Compassion? The guy is cheating on her. Would you have said the same if it were with numerous, random women?

    I would be upset that my partner had broken my trust, and more importantly risked my life. To hell with compassion!
    Well, yeah. Same either way. The lying was the primary problem for her, not the other people. Why did he lie, given their open channels of communication? 1. because he was afraid to lose her 2. because he was afraid to lose his (stolen) privileges and/or 3 because he was ashamed of his attraction.

    What good would it do to berate him? He will clam up, she will learn very little, and that's that. Instead, they can treat each other gently, and he is much more likely to talk. She can then decide how she wants to proceed.

    Its not about punishing him, its about deciding what to do next.

    And yes, compassion and advocacy for herself.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Wow. They have changed the way you see him. Those messages will be indelible.

    I value honesty and discretion more than i value monogamy, but i do require all three. When you address this with him, please try to be calm and compassionate at the same time you are being firm. A sentence like, "We may need to make some dramatic changes" is more effective than "f you, I'm out."

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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Wow. They have changed the way you see him. Those messages will be indelible.

    I value honesty and discretion more than i value monogamy, but i do require all three. When you address this with him, please try to be calm and compassionate at the same time you are being firm. A sentence like, "We may need to make some dramatic changes" is more effective than "f you, I'm out."
    I'm laying here in bed right now writing out what I hope to be able to say. I have no intention of "f you, I'm out". For one, I want to know for sure the length of time & if he's been physical with anybody since we've been together. (Yes, I already went to the clinic this afternoon.) I agree that honesty is #1. If he'd have come to me and told me what he was craving, we could've discussed it & maybe come up with some roleplay or something. I don't think that he's getting off on the actual lying. Hes told me things that part of me wished he hadn't because of our transparency agreement. I've never indicated TMI because I respected his bravery & it made me even more proud to be his girl.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    How many are there?
    If you mean how many men has he been talking to, then there are 2. They both responded to the same ad he put on CL. One guy has messaged with him 5 times in 3 weeks & the other guy messages him throughout the day everyday.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Well, yeah. Same either way. The lying was the primary problem for her, not the other people. Why did he lie, given their open channels of communication? 1. because he was afraid to lose her 2. because he was afraid to lose his (stolen) privileges and/or 3 because he was ashamed of his attraction.

    What good would it do to berate him? He will clam up, she will learn very little, and that's that. Instead, they can treat each other gently, and he is much more likely to talk. She can then decide how she wants to proceed.

    Its not about punishing him, its about deciding what to do next.

    And yes, compassion and advocacy for herself.
    I think its #3. He's a very masculine man and is quite popular in our town. Everybody knows the story of his difficult journey through life and everybody loves him.

    I can't rule out #1, because I remember one night a long time ago we were watching a movie & a girl walked in on her man getting pounded. I made a comment similar to, "I don't know I'd do if I walked in & you had a man throwing it down you like you do me".

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is going on. Yes it's a game changer and you are married to someone on the down low with a double life. Your marriage and husband are a mirage. Please see a doctor and therapist asap. And get tested. What you uncovered is the tip of the iceberg and only what you happened to stumble upon. You can't be "certain" of anything right now. Clearly this is all a deception and of course at some point you need to confront him. Do not have sex or believe any more of his lies.
    Originally Posted by 12letters
    There are some things he has said that have forever changed the way I see him!

    .this is the first time he's messaged with anybody since we have been married. Im certain of that because he seems to have saved every single m4m correspondence he's had.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    OP, Some posters are replying as if your marriage is over. I am not ready to make that conclusion. I have friends, more than one couple, who have withstood cheating - which is what this is, after all. I also have friends who have certain permissions with regards to sex, including same sex partners outside of marriage. For them, the physical experience with others isn't random and it has meaning, but not the multifaceted connection of their marriage.

    I agree with you about shame. Because of the specifics of his fantasy, I draw no conclusions as to his situation. Socially and in the US where i am familiar with the research, we (typically) assign sexual power to each gender in different ways. Your husband's activity seems specific to his fantasy. He is still desirous of sex with you.

    There are health issues, honesty issues, and questions as to how far he needs to go and does it have an end or does it constantly escalate in search of a heightened experience. Also whether he has any desire for an emotional connection, for same gender dating in addition to hook ups. A sexual addiction therapy plan and/or group may be useful

    I am thinking of one of my friends in particular who is very masculine, very sexual, and who is interested in one sort of m2m interaction. He was tentative about telling me, and telling his wife. He did, and he has a hook up partner who also is very masculine, married, and affirmatively hetero in all other respects. Their sex play, to me, is more about penile fascination and power/subordination (it isn't D/s - i don't mean that.) Nobody knows, at least in theory, and he is happy to have this outlet.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    OP, Some posters are replying as if your marriage is over. I am not ready to make that conclusion. I have friends, more than one couple, who have withstood cheating - which is what this is, after all. I also have friends who have certain permissions with regards to sex, including same sex partners outside of marriage. For them, the physical experience with others isn't random and it has meaning, but not the multifaceted connection of their marriage.

    I agree with you about shame. Because of the specifics of his fantasy, I draw no conclusions as to his situation. Socially and in the US where i am familiar with the research, we (typically) assign sexual power to each gender in different ways. Your husband's activity seems specific to his fantasy. He is still desirous of sex with you.

    There are health issues, honesty issues, and questions as to how far he needs to go and does it have an end or does it constantly escalate in search of a heightened experience. Also whether he has any desire for an emotional connection, for same gender dating in addition to hook ups. A sexual addiction therapy plan and/or group may be useful

    I am thinking of one of my friends in particular who is very masculine, very sexual, and who is interested in one sort of m2m interaction. He was tentative about telling me, and telling his wife. He did, and he has a hook up partner who also is very masculine, married, and affirmatively hetero in all other respects. Their sex play, to me, is more about penile fascination and power/subordination (it isn't D/s - i don't mean that.) Nobody knows, at least in theory, and he is happy to have this outlet.
    The marriage would be over for me. Trust is gone.

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