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Thread: He says he has a low sex drive but watches porn. Only been together for 9 months

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    He says he has a low sex drive but watches porn. Only been together for 9 months

    We've been dating for about 9 months. I'm 31 and he's 30.

    Since the beginning, he claims to have a low sex drive and says that he's at his limit on the amount of times we have sex per week (2-3 times during a good week). He'll also sometimes regret having sex after we've had it and tell me.

    He doesn't hide the fact that he watches porn and masturbates to it. Although I don't know how often he does it.

    Other than that he tells me that he loves me all the time.

    Do I need to accept that he's just not that attracted to me even though maybe he does love me?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I dont think this is about you, it's about his need to watch porn and masturbate to it. This leaves him with nothing left for you, he's worn himself out, so to speak. If you cant handle this, then it's time to move on.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Sexual compatibility should be one of the must-haves on your list in choosing a long term partner. Read articles about addiction to porn. It changes the neurons in a mans brain, and the porn becomes his go-to turn on, and a real live woman no longer does it for him. It doesn't matter if he loves you or not. He possesses what should be a dealbreaker for you. I was with a guy for a year who had a low sex drive, and I know he watched porn, but don't know how often. Even though you know you're a desirable woman and your body hasn't changed since meeting him, you can't help but feel undesirable and that there is something wrong with you. There is no reason to sacrifice your one precious life for someone who you don't match with.

    Thank God my relationship ended, freeing me to meet my future husband, who matches me in every major way, including sexual compatibility. This can happen for you if leave this frustrating relationship asap. Good luck.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The last thing you need to "accept," in any relationship, is that your partner is not that attracted to you. Just trying to accept that is basically a recipe for misery, for a relationship that will fall apart, since one of the major points of a relationship is that you're with someone who finds you ravishing.

    The most generous read on things is that you guys just have different values, sexually. For him, having sex with his partner 2-3 times a week, while also masturbating however often, is fine. For you, it's not. And that's a real compatibility problem.

    A less generous read is that dude has some real intimacy issues. Meaning: sex with a real person who he loves and who loves him is "too much," while sex with himself, with the assistance of some porn, is not. Doesn't require the same level of vulnerability, of surrender. So what he describes as "low sex drive" is more of "fear of intimacy," one he avoids addressing with the help of pornography, one that pornography has, in ways, exacerbated. He's 30 on the surface, but more like 15 when it comes to sexual maturity.

    That's not uncommon, especially these days. Personally, I think one of the potential downsides to pornography is that it can kind of stunt people, men especially. Instead of learning how to express what you want to a woman, you can open the computer and find countless women "eager" and "willing" to do just about anything your heart desires. It's comforting. If, well, limited. Since, in the end, you are alone in a room and your hand, rather than someone you love, is doing the work.

    Look, I'm a dude, one who self-identifies has having a very high, very healthy sex drive—and one who, at nine years older than your bf, came of age in a world without porn, so I learned what I like sexually by, well, having sex with people not by looking at screens. I do look at porn, especially when I'm single and not having sex. When I'm not single, when I'm having sex with someone, I basically never look at it. Not out of respect to my partner—since I think there's nothing wrong with looking at porn, since most women I've known and dated also enjoy porn—but because I'd just rather devour her, be devoured by her, and have zero fears or hangups of expressing that. Simply put, I much prefer sex with a human being (that vulnerability, that surrender) to masturbation (isolating, limited). When it comes to choosing a partner, I know pretty quickly—like within a week of having sex—if we're on the same page; if we're not—well, that's probably the end.

    Curious to hear more about how he explained his low sex drive, early on, what those conversations were like. I mean, to a certain degree he told you who he was—a dude with a low sex drive—and maybe you chose to hear something else, or to believe that you would jolt him onto a new plane, and are now frustrated that he's being, well, who he said he was.

    Bottom line is you don't want to be in a relationship where someone's porn habits are making you think less of yourself, making you feel less alluring, less attractive. No, no, no. You should feel like a queen. If he's also masturbating to porn while making you feel like a queen—no biggie. If his masturbating to porn is making you feel less than queen-like—no bueno.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Curious to hear more about how he explained his low sex drive, early on, what those conversations were like. I mean, to a certain degree he told you who he was—a dude with a low sex drive—and maybe you chose to hear something else, or to believe that you would jolt him onto a new plane, and are now frustrated that he's being, well, who he said he was.

    Bottom line is you don't want to be in a relationship where someone's porn habits are making you think less of yourself, making you feel less alluring, less attractive. No, no, no. You should feel like a queen. If he's also masturbating to porn while making you feel like a queen—no biggie. If his masturbating to porn is making you feel less than queen-like—no bueno.
    I guess he did tell me early on because he sensed we weren't having much sex and because for the first 2 months he couldn't perform. I didn't think I'd be able to change him, I thought he might want sex more once he was more comfortable with me. He said he couldn't perform because he was nervous and I had no reason to not believe him. He now can perform but seldom is he very "enthusiastic" (if you get what I mean). He's super comfortable with me now and he tells me that he wants to get married. I don't think this all adds up.

    It's my fault that I didn't listen.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nadineblack
    I guess he did tell me early on because he sensed we weren't having much sex and because for the first 2 months he couldn't perform. I didn't think I'd be able to change him, I thought he might want sex more once he was more comfortable with me. He said he couldn't perform because he was nervous and I had no reason to not believe him. He now can perform but seldom is he very "enthusiastic" (if you get what I mean). He's super comfortable with me now and he tells me that he wants to get married. I don't think this all adds up.

    It's my fault that I didn't listen.
    Don't blame yourself—no need to go there.

    Because he sounds like he's a bit of a mess—the 15 year old trapped inside a 30 year old—and maybe you kind of sensed that. And being a more sexually mature, sexually compassionate , and sexually confident person, you thought maybe you could help him get over those nerves, and open up. Which happens. My own sexual maturation, which of course is ongoing, has been nudged along by women I've been lucky enough to date and love, who helped me open up, get more comfortable, discover more shades to my sexuality and desire index. And (hopefully) I've done the same for them. That's kind of how it's supposed to work, and sometimes you have to put in some time to see, well, if it works.

    You've put in that time—nine months. Not an eternity, nothing to beat yourself up about, but enough time to know what's what.

    He sounds, simply, like he's not on your level sexually. He's not actually "super comfortable" with you, at least not in this regard, by the sounds of it. Because he's not actually "super comfortable" with himself, unless he's truly "super comfortable" with being more comfortable looking at porn than losing himself in ecstasy with another person. Per Andrina's post, it sounds like his wiring is a bit fried—sucks for him, sucks for you.

    How directly have you discussed all this with him? Clearly he has expressed to you his needs and preferences, but have you expressed your own? That can be done lovingly—like, hey, I love you and care about you but require x and y in order to also imagine things like marriage, forever.

    Also curious: Have you ever looked at porn together?

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    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'm really curious about the bit where he regrets having sex after having it. What's that about?

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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I'm really curious about the bit where he regrets having sex after having it. What's that about?
    He says that sometimes he has sex when his body isn't really in the mood for it and then regrets it and says that we probably shouldn't have had sex. Even though it's usually him that will initiate sex. I've become too insecure to initiate because since the beginning of our relationship he often tells me that he's not in the mood.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I'm really curious about the bit where he regrets having sex after having it. What's that about?
    Ditto.

    If I had to venture a guess, I'd say that he also sometimes "regrets" getting off to pornography: that kind of lonesome, queasy, wrong-kind-of-dirty feeling that can surface when you allow yourself to think too much about the medium.

    That those unsettling feelings are also connected to great pleasure and release—aka nature's wonder, the orgasm—can lead someone to think of sex as "wrong."

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nadineblack
    He says that sometimes he has sex when his body isn't really in the mood for it and then regrets it and says that we probably shouldn't have had sex. Even though it's usually him that will initiate sex. I've become too insecure to initiate because since the beginning of our relationship he often tells me that he's not in the mood.
    Okay, this is increasingly sounding like dude needs a shrink and you need a dude who isn't in knots.

    So, he gets an erection but his "body isn't in the mood"? What, exactly, is going on there? Sounds like he is confusing mind and body. Sounds like he feels "bad" for wanting you, and/or feeling "bad" about not being able to be some bionic stallion, which is why you're now feeling "bad" and unwanted.

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