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Thread: My Ex, my first love, has become a massage therapist and I'm jealous

  1. #1
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    My Ex, my first love, has become a massage therapist and I'm jealous

    Dear Forum members

    I again write to understand my emotions a bit better. What do they really mean?

    I broke up with my ex girlfriend 4 months ago. I am going back and forth between the feelings of missing her and being in peace with the thought that it was not meant to last forever.

    We were not 100% compatible of course just like any other other couple, we had difference sin values, interests, hobbies, circumstances. We both had our own wounds from the past. These are clichés.

    The reason why I write is because right after our break up she started posting herself travelling abroad and going on courses in massage therapy, posting her new certificates. Now, massage therapy...

    We were together for 2 years. For both of us we were among the first 3 people we ever had sex with, we explored together our intimacy. I know that of both us had a hard time admitting that our relationship has to be over, but she obviously takes more conscious steps to get over me now. This doesn't neccesarily mean that she is better of than me emotionally, but she is more conscious to get over me, and she values her own happiness better now, and she makes sure that it is posted on social media. She is still listening to music that could remind her of our relationship (unfortunately I keep checking her youtube watch history and spotify).

    I am writing because I can simply cannot make head or tail of my emotions related to her becoming a massage therapist.

    To me massage was always a touchy topic. In high school I often took things personally, but I was especially jealous when my classmates were just giving each other a back massage out of friendship (opposite sex classmates). To me massage always meant at least friendship but mostly something more. I had never given massage to people that weren't at least part of my family or wasn't in short relationship with. So it was always one topic that could make my social anxiety emerge.

    I have been careless, happy, goofy before. But in the past 5 months it has been impossible. I have been caught up on the thought daily. Every morning I wake up either from a dream about her and how we reconciled our relationship or broke up again, or with feelings that she is cheating on me.

    I can't understand why am I feeling cheated on, when I was the one to first say that we should break up. It is not a strange thing that i still have emotions for her, as my first love. I wouldn't want to deprive her of feeling joy, happiness, even moving on, or meeting new people. I want her to live her life and be happy and that's what she is doing. Life probably is trying to teach me a lesson, which I cannot see what it wants to be. Now, as I found out, she wants to open her own massage saloon in her parent's house, where she has an apartment. The fact that she is sharing her loving touch, intimacy with complete strangers (of course also with her family members) and she feels that this is going to be her new career, her new mission and the area where she wants to be fulfilled drives me jealous, crazy and obsessed, unworthy, inferior. It makes me feel as if I couldn't give enough intimacy to her and she wants to make up for something now. Of course, she believes that this is a great way to be independent and make enough money on her own. I have no doubt, I have ambitions on starting my own business some day as well, we were talking about starting a business both of us one day too. She mentioned once or twice that she wants to go on courses in massage but she never told me which one or why. I haven't asked either. She already had a certificate in foot reflexology for a long time when we were together. Opening a massage saloon in her own apartment, where we used to hang out, makes me even more jealous.

    We were in long distance relationship in the last year out of 2 years together. I feel guilty for writing or thinking this but it makes me feel that she is doing this not just because she wants to improve the health and well-being of others, but because she wants to fill her energies up by spending intimate time with others, not necessarily sensually or sexually, but with the possibility of even that as well. But actually just the thought of wanting to massage and please many different people, especially random men, makes me feel a bit nauseous. I read a lot of forums, where some people didn't become massage therapist because their partners were jealous. Many places people commented that someone being jealous at the other being massage therapist is just a sign of insecurity, lack of inner peace with oneself. But I think in a way it can be a legitimate feeling, even besides trust, can't it?

    I admit, she is really good at giving massages, unfortunately I didn't tell this enough to her, and she mentioned to me that Once I even said she is not doing back massage strong enough and this offended her. She only told me this after we broke up. I thought about getting a certificate in massage even before meeting her. During our relationship she changed from being entirely picky with food and loving junk food, and having many mysterious health issues to becoming incredibly health conscious partially through conversations with my incredibly health conscious mother. My ex-girlfriend changed diet, her lifestyle to exercising more (she used to play handball for 10 years, but she stopped because of a serious injury). I wanted that we do exercise together, I wanted to show to her that I can regulate my bad sleeping habits for myself and our relationship, I can also be conscious about my diet. I didn't succeed, but she became more and more conscious, until a point where I felt I couldn't keep up with her.

    I broke up mostly because I felt I'm losing my self, I am losing my direction, I don't feel like settling, I need to find my way professionally. I also felt that she gets offended about things and she never mentions them to me, and she has an overly romantic and not very realistic approach to our relationship. it wasn't her fault, I should have also been more open to planning the next steps in our relationships.

    I feel like now both us feel, that at this stage we were not ready to dedicate ourselves to each other, we were more ecstatic about seeing each other's personal development and sharing it with each other. Being each other's best personal coaches. But I often felt very limited in the relationship, as if I couldn't be the goofy, dreamy person I can be with sometimes other people. But the intimacy and similar values about how people should treat each other, our similar feelings about our families, how family is important to both of us made us connect on a deep level.

    I just cannot make head or tail now about my emotions related to her ambitions in massage therapy. She keeps sharing her successes and articles about how one uses energy through massage to connect with another person on a very deep level, how every person is so different, and how much sharing of energies can give to both the therapist and the client. It is amazing and I believe so, but I also get a bit sick often, thinking about that this is something that we could have shared with each other, had I been a bit more mature or ready for this relationship. But then I realize, I might have a tendency of wanting to shape myself to fit the other person's expectations. She didn't want to travel and live with me in other countries, as she admitted after our breakup, but while we were together she often said that now she learns this or that foreign language that i also have planned to so she can move with me one day. But deep down she would have never wanted to leave our home country.

    I know I should just feel free and move. But it also seems sometimes impossible to find this intimacy again. Especially if I have expectations that the next one should be even better, because of what differences we couldn't overcome together, out of immaturity. Our last conversation ended with she telling me she will miss me and if one day for some reason we have to continue together, because we both had walked on our own roads for a while, then that's how it should be, but she really hopes that I find my way and I don't fall in depression. She also mentioned that this way she cannot love me that I constantly unsatisfied with myself, and there were so few moments when we could lie down after a long work they next to each other in peace, early enough and just pay attention to each other. She said these are differences in values. Also the fact that I want to change careers and want to do too many things, without planning ahead and being able to stick to those plans. I certainly want to improve myself in these areas now, just for my own well-being. I started doing meditation, yoga too. But the feelings of jealousy keep coming back.
    Last edited by Bubbl12; 01-23-2019 at 12:27 PM.

  2. #2
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    You are choosing to torture yourself. Why, only you know.

    You could stop all this by deleting her from social media and other apps.

    But, I bet you are going to say you "can't" for some reason.

    I also find it ironic that you are critical of her choice of a legitimate career, yet you describe yourself as "excessively" viewing porn. That's a double standard there.

  3. #3
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    A massage therapist is a complementary medical professional. They often work with people with injuries, muscle strains, etc. Not very sexy.

    I broke up mostly because I felt I'm losing my self, I am losing my direction, I don't feel like settling, I need to find my way professionally.

    this is the real problem, not massage therapy

  4. #4
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    Why haven't you deleted her from social media?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    You are choosing to torture yourself.
    This, in a nutshell, is what it boils down to.

    You can continue to wax poetic, to cling to this whole narrative as a tragedy, to obsess over her new career in massage, or you can challenge yourself to realize what is driving the ship in all these thoughts: not heart, no, but ego. Your ego is very bruised right now, and very hungry. Learn to just see that, rather than react to it, and I promise you a lot of what seems so mysterious to you right now will become simple.

    As for the massage thing, some real talk: get over it. It's a job, a passion, and she's lucky to be exploring it. It's not about you—and that, really, is what bothers you about it.

    And that is your ego.

  7. #6
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    I have a qualification in massage therapy, too. The fact that you equate it with something intimate and sexual is more about your inability to differentiate between a caring touch and a sexual one, and your involvement with porn, than anything else. It's a professional qualification and, because of the euphemistic use of the term 'massage parlour', professionalism and stating clear professional boundaries is a key part of that qualification. Heck, surgeons delve even deeper into the bodies of their patients than massage therapists do - but that's hardly sexual!

    Quite apart from that, though, you have many issues around self esteem. Until you address these, you will be unable to have a truly intimate relationship with anyone. You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and love is a feeling which comes from a full heart, not an empty one.

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Never had a massage from a RMT that was even close to remotely sexual.

  9. #8
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    I don't know what to say.
    You are stuck in this maze of unhealthiness that YOU must get thru and figure out (a professional to help out would be a terrific move here).
    She is doing good things in her life and making a life and that's WONDERFUL for her (especially she's found somethign she's passionate about).

    As somebody who dated a massage therapist - I can specifically tell you that being "jealous" of them (if it's the intimacy you are jealous of they have with other people) - you should know that that kind of physical intimacy is COMPLETELY different than a romantic physical intimacy. It is their job. They are trained to do a job. And that is their expertise. They are NOT seeing the physical intimacy as romantic or sexual in any way. (I know this b/c all LMT's will tell you this. Plus my LMT ex- trained me on massage and whever i massage somebody else it is totally to "do the job right" and get the job done as to what the person needs that i'm solving thru massage. and it's not sexual or romantic at all. NOW. when i massage a gf and it's a "mood night" in which the masssage is part of a romantic night that's DIFFERENT. But if it's a friend or non-romantic person and the massage is for a legit purpose - they can take their clothes off, i can be massaging their bare skin - and it can be real intimate and connected (this is what you do to try and identify and fix the issue they are having) - but it is NOT romantically or sexually intimate in those situations.

    so being jealous of a LMT over their physical intimacy and connection with clients is wasted energy. It's not like that.

    If you are jealous that she is creating a life while you dont' seem to be - then that is an unhealthy thought and yo must examine and resolve why this is. We SHOULD be estatic for loved ones and people we care about who are having success! Nobody should want anybody they care about to FAIL or NOT have success (especially when we don't have success). This is selfish and uncaring and something else is going on.

    Definitely, in tht end, you really should see a professional to help sort this out and give you tools to overcome these thoughts. They are unhealthy anyway you cut it and will keep you from succeeding yourself.

    Good luck.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    What has being a massagist therapist have to do with anything?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    My daughter is a registered massage therapist who owns and runs her own clinic. I have no idea why you would make such a big deal out of massage therapy. You are tormenting yourself for no reason I can fathom. I think you need help.

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