Annoyed at FIL reluctance to help during childbirth

I am 37 weeks pregnant and this whole time MIL and FIL agreed to watch 2.5 yo DD while we deliver the baby.

-On Christmas we had an argument which basically entailed MIL boundary stomping.

We agreed to a break no babysitting in -January but still they would watch DD when we are at the hospital.

-3 weeks ago MIL had a bad fall and bruised her chest. She is bedridden and cannot eat solids.

-Yesterray during one of my husbands check up calls FIL said he doesn’t feel comfortable to watch DD bc MIL mainly did the caretaking and she can’t right now. Basically, told us to find some other child care options for Daughter during delivery.

We have NO ONE in the area that can watch DD overnight for 2-3 days when I’m in the hospital. I asked husband why FIL feels uncomfortable watching DD and his reasons were that he never changed a diaper, and that he can’t keep up with DD and afraid she will get hurt or in trouble.

As much as I want to be sympathetic I am also sooo stressed bc we baby could come any day and we have no other child care options! I am frustrated at FIL for waiting until NOW to tell us.

I am mad at FIL but don’t know if this is justified or if I should cut him slack.

Sorry to hear this. If they can not babysit, then they can't babysit. Reach out to all your family now and see who's available. Perhaps you have some friends who could help out. Keep in mind, they are older she is not doing well and he's uncomfortable. Now is the time to start making better babysitting arrangements anyway. Where will your husband be? Does he ever watch the kids?

I asked husband why FIL feels uncomfortable watching DD and his reasons were that he never changed a diaper, and that he can’t keep up with DD and afraid she will get hurt or in trouble.

It sounds reasonable on his end, to be honest.

If he's not changed a diaper and isn't comfortable doing so and knows he can't keep up with a little one whilst taking care of his wife, then his reason is valid.

I know it puts you in a tough spot but I do think he's being fair.

I'm sorry this has happened. What does it matter if you cut him slack or not? You can't let his decision harm the relationship you, your husband and children will have with him. I'm just curious as to why you don't have girlfriends in the area to help out. Are you new to the area? If possible, start putting your daughter in temporary day care a few hours during the day to get her used to it, if she doesn't already go, and then at least your husband can be with you in the daytime.

Since you really dislike your MIL anyway I am surprised you want them to look after her. Cut the man some slack his wife is really injured. Older people die from falls.

I think it's not fair nor helpful to be mad at FIL. It's probably difficult enough on him, worrying and caring for his wife. He probably could use support right now too, and hopefully he has some. He may have just spoke up now, but if MILs been bedridden for three weeks, it's odd to me your husband and yourself didn't start looking at other options/backup plan put into effect then, as it seems to me an unreasonable burden to put on a man in his circumstances.

I know you are stressed and very pregnant, so let's work the problem as is: arrangements so your child is looked after while you give birth.

Time to look into daycares.

Thanks everyone for your perspective. I admit it’s good to hear from third person since. To answer a few questions, they both kept assuring us after MIL fell they will be able to keep DD- I guess her condition worsened or hasn’t improved so FIL just told us yesterday they can’t do it.

DD goes to a daycare center and I do have friends but the center doesn’t do overnights (7:30-5pm) and my friends all work/have their own kids commitments.

I guess I was more upset than my husband, and didn’t get why they waited until im 9 months, now we are in a bind. DH Said his dad never changed a diaper (he married MIL when hubby was 8) and never took care of small kids by himself. I didn’t understand why FIL can’t just suck it up for a couple of days. But anyways I’m going to see if other relatives can fly in before the birth.

Why can’t your husband look after her at night ?

Sorry but I think your FIL is actually being responsible here. At the time your MIL fell, they might have thought it's no big deal, she'll recover quickly, but if it's been three weeks and she is still bed ridden, that's pretty serious and your husband should be concerned about his parents' welfare at this point rather than looking to them to help you. A two year old child is quite a handful, so no, there is no suck it up for FIL if he is busy taking care of his wife, worried about her well being and knows he can't be running after the child constantly to ensure she doesn't get hurt too.

Either ask your friends or ask other relatives. When a good friend of mine was in a similar bind, I took care of her child and I don't babysit generally speaking. However, life happens, you make exceptions. Point being don't assume and don't be afraid to ask your friends. You might find that you have plenty of help out there.

I didn’t understand why FIL can’t just suck it up for a couple of days.

Oh come on now, that's not nice. He is worried about his wife, she sounds not well at all. No doubt he is stressed with it all and doesn't want to take care of a 2 year old.

That's fair.

No doubt they both hesitated like they have done, because they felt bad and maybe even wanted to do it but knew they just couldn't.

You have anger and stress over things not being in place, understandably. But don't focus that anger on your FIL.

This is your daughter, you're going to have to find arrangements.

I know you said your friends have their own kids etc ...but have you actually asked them for help ...at a time like this I would never turn a friend down .

Why can't your family do it?

If he isn't comfortable, he isn't comfortable. You should harbor no ill feelings towards him.

You should ask your friends.

It's not about "sucking it up." I'd give him the benefit that if for whatever reason the MIL was simply out of the house and he could devote his complete attention to your daughter to compensate for not having experience in select duties, he'd do it for the sake of your giving birth. But she's not out of town. She's bedridden and unfortunately would be every bit his responsibility as your daughter would be. Between that and him likely not having the as keen a physicality or general awareness as he did in his 30s, I think his instincts are correct that it may indeed be irresponsible for him to take your daughter on right now.

Being frank, it's not the FIL's fault you've apparently got no other options. I'm not assigning some kind of blame on you for that, but it's likewise not fair to put your blame on him.

You may be stressed out, but it is time for your husband to step up and take responsibility to either watch your child during the birth or find someone.

BTW, this should be a wake up call that your MIL is no longer a built-in go-to person for free babysitting. It doesn't mean she doesn't love your kids, she is recovering from an injury, ya know?

SOrry, I am team FIL. His wife is his first priority. If your other child was 9 years old - could be helpful to grandma and could entertain herself - then that's a different matter. Also, the baby is not being bor yet. A lot can happen during that time. start interviwing babysitters

I can relate to your FIL's concerns and his situation with his wife being injured. When we gave birth we had no family who could help -they are/were elderly and when our son was 5 months old we relocated where we had no family. Family could never babysit either because of age/disabilities - so you are so very very lucky that they have been available to babysit as much as they have.

In my city we have services where overnight nurses/sitters are available and yes your husband should tag team it too while you are in the hospital. I'd start interviewing the overnight types right now and then maybe a friend can also sleep over to be second in command. Sorry that this is so inconvenient and stressful and I share the perspective of abitbroken and Jman and the others. Having family help to the extent they are is a luxury and a privilege IMO.

He didn't know his wife would be bed ridden. Before it happened he could take care of DD with his wife. But he doesn't feel that he can do a good job taking care of DD and his wife, especially because he has no experience with that. I know it's stressful but I think it's a responsible decision to the safety and well being of DD. He's telling you now because this unexpected thing happened.

Do you or your husband have friends in the area that can help?

I agree with the others that your FIL is both wise and responsible for letting you know he can’t handle it. These are unforeseen circumstances for them too - it sounds like they really did want to help you in this way, it’s just that circumstances changed...

I don’t really understand why you need someone for 2-3 days, though? That seems a bit much? I agree you need someone while you are in actual labour... but once you deliver, your husband should be able to take over. Your daughter should be fine to go to the hospital once the baby has arrived and you are back in your room (unless things have changed over the years)...

In your shoes, I would ask another parent at the daycare. I know that you don’t feel super close to them - but in my opinion, if they already have kids and they are already going to the daycare/are in that routine, it’s not a huge lift to take an extra kid home or drop an extra kid off. It’s already something that they need to do. I would very much do that for another parent, particularly if they explain the situation (ie: “omg, I’m in a bind, my MIL fell, etc). And it would likely strengthen and solidify your friendship with them (it’s a win/win) - and you could likely return the favor for them if they are ever in a bind as well (for other reasons). Not to mention, you’ll likely need them to sign stuff at the daycare to give them permission to leave with your kid, etc.

That would be my advice over flying someone in - especially since you can’t predict when the baby will arrive. Take the opportunity to strengthen and deepen your friendship with these people. It will serve you in other ways later as well...

Thanks everyone for your perspective. I admit it’s good to hear from third person since. To answer a few questions, they both kept assuring us after MIL fell they will be able to keep DD- I guess her condition worsened or hasn’t improved so FIL just told us yesterday they can’t do it.

 

DD goes to a daycare center and I do have friends but the center doesn’t do overnights (7:30-5pm) and my friends all work/have their own kids commitments.

 

I guess I was more upset than my husband, and didn’t get why they waited until im 9 months, now we are in a bind. DH Said his dad never changed a diaper (he married MIL when hubby was 8) and never took care of small kids by himself. I didn’t understand why FIL can’t just suck it up for a couple of days. But anyways I’m going to see if other relatives can fly in before the birth.

You should be grateful that he told you that he is incapable of watching your child. What would you think if he didn't tell you of his concerns, took the toddler and then she ended up hurt or worse because she wasn't being properly cared for.

Look into hiring a licensed Nanny for a week or two and see what you can come up with.

Good luck and have an easy and safe delivery.

If you are mad you are mad, however looking at it objectively I think your FIL did the responsible thing by telling you he didn't feel comfortable. He was afraid she would get hurt because he couldn't keep up with her... how would you have felt if something had happened to your daughter while she was in his care because you thought he should "suck it up"?

Not only this but he is worried about his wife. She may have thought she would be better by now but clearly that's not the case.

Try and let go of your frustrations and just trust that things will work out. I am sure if you actually asked your friends and told them it was an emergency, they would be willing to pitch in and help out.

Man... my future SiL or DIL are gonna hate my a** cause once I’m done, I’m done. I have no obligation to help raise my kids, kids. They will know without a shadow of a doubt it’s a privilege, not a right. My life is mine. If I didn’t lay down and make the kid, I am under no obligation.

You made mention of your mother-in-law crossing boundaries but the irony is you don’t realize the boundary you are crossing by expecting them to essentially be your on call nanny. Find childcare or how about this YOU suck it up and give birth to your child and have your husband watch your other child. Hundreds of thousands of parents dont have a support system recognize the gift you’ve been given, maybe recognize your hormones are possibly making you a bit moody and entitled and be willing to compromise.

This is a happy and joyous event! Don’t go into it angry at anyone.

Why isn't your husband, the father watching the kid at night?

And if my friend needed me to watch their kid regardless of work and my own kids, I would totally watch their kid till their dad got the after you guys are done with delivery.

You're MIL is in bad shape. Her husband is taking care of her. That's the way it goes. Ask a friend, cousin, aunt, uncle, etc.

I've got two kids, and would never get mad because they needed to care for their spouse and couldn't watch my kids. I mean, they could drop dead today. Either way, always have backups.