Annoyed at FIL reluctance to help during childbirth

[SherrySher]

I didn’t understand why FIL can’t just suck it up for a couple of days.

Oh come on now, that's not nice. He is worried about his wife, she sounds not well at all. No doubt he is stressed with it all and doesn't want to take care of a 2 year old.

That's fair.

No doubt they both hesitated like they have done, because they felt bad and maybe even wanted to do it but knew they just couldn't.

You have anger and stress over things not being in place, understandably. But don't focus that anger on your FIL.
This is your daughter, you're going to have to find arrangements.

[pippy longstocking]

I know you said your friends have their own kids etc ...but have you actually asked them for help ...at a time like this I would never turn a friend down .

[Hollyj]

Why can't your family do it?

If he isn't comfortable, he isn't comfortable. You should harbor no ill feelings towards him.

You should ask your friends.

[j.man]

It's not about "sucking it up." I'd give him the benefit that if for whatever reason the MIL was simply out of the house and he could devote his complete attention to your daughter to compensate for not having experience in select duties, he'd do it for the sake of your giving birth. But she's not out of town. She's bedridden and unfortunately would be every bit his responsibility as your daughter would be. Between that and him likely not having the as keen a physicality or general awareness as he did in his 30s, I think his instincts are correct that it may indeed be irresponsible for him to take your daughter on right now.

Being frank, it's not the FIL's fault you've apparently got no other options. I'm not assigning some kind of blame on you for that, but it's likewise not fair to put your blame on him.

[jimthzz]

You may be stressed out, but it is time for your husband to step up and take responsibility to either watch your child during the birth or find someone.

BTW, this should be a wake up call that your MIL is no longer a built-in go-to person for free babysitting. It doesn't mean she doesn't love your kids, she is recovering from an injury, ya know?

[abitbroken]

SOrry, I am team FIL. His wife is his first priority. If your other child was 9 years old - could be helpful to grandma and could entertain herself - then that's a different matter. Also, the baby is not being bor yet. A lot can happen during that time. start interviwing babysitters

[Batya33]

I can relate to your FIL's concerns and his situation with his wife being injured. When we gave birth we had no family who could help -they are/were elderly and when our son was 5 months old we relocated where we had no family. Family could never babysit either because of age/disabilities - so you are so very very lucky that they have been available to babysit as much as they have.

In my city we have services where overnight nurses/sitters are available and yes your husband should tag team it too while you are in the hospital. I'd start interviewing the overnight types right now and then maybe a friend can also sleep over to be second in command. Sorry that this is so inconvenient and stressful and I share the perspective of abitbroken and Jman and the others. Having family help to the extent they are is a luxury and a privilege IMO.

[Annia]

He didn't know his wife would be bed ridden. Before it happened he could take care of DD with his wife. But he doesn't feel that he can do a good job taking care of DD and his wife, especially because he has no experience with that. I know it's stressful but I think it's a responsible decision to the safety and well being of DD. He's telling you now because this unexpected thing happened.

Do you or your husband have friends in the area that can help?

[RedDress]

I agree with the others that your FIL is both wise and responsible for letting you know he can’t handle it. These are unforeseen circumstances for them too - it sounds like they really did want to help you in this way, it’s just that circumstances changed...

I don’t really understand why you need someone for 2-3 days, though? That seems a bit much? I agree you need someone while you are in actual labour... but once you deliver, your husband should be able to take over. Your daughter should be fine to go to the hospital once the baby has arrived and you are back in your room (unless things have changed over the years)...

In your shoes, I would ask another parent at the daycare. I know that you don’t feel super close to them - but in my opinion, if they already have kids and they are already going to the daycare/are in that routine, it’s not a huge lift to take an extra kid home or drop an extra kid off. It’s already something that they need to do. I would very much do that for another parent, particularly if they explain the situation (ie: “omg, I’m in a bind, my MIL fell, etc). And it would likely strengthen and solidify your friendship with them (it’s a win/win) - and you could likely return the favor for them if they are ever in a bind as well (for other reasons). Not to mention, you’ll likely need them to sign stuff at the daycare to give them permission to leave with your kid, etc.

That would be my advice over flying someone in - especially since you can’t predict when the baby will arrive. Take the opportunity to strengthen and deepen your friendship with these people. It will serve you in other ways later as well...

[ThatwasThen]

Thanks everyone for your perspective. I admit it’s good to hear from third person since. To answer a few questions, they both kept assuring us after MIL fell they will be able to keep DD- I guess her condition worsened or hasn’t improved so FIL just told us yesterday they can’t do it.

DD goes to a daycare center and I do have friends but the center doesn’t do overnights (7:30-5pm) and my friends all work/have their own kids commitments.

I guess I was more upset than my husband, and didn’t get why they waited until im 9 months, now we are in a bind. DH Said his dad never changed a diaper (he married MIL when hubby was 8) and never took care of small kids by himself. I didn’t understand why FIL can’t just suck it up for a couple of days. But anyways I’m going to see if other relatives can fly in before the birth.

You should be grateful that he told you that he is incapable of watching your child. What would you think if he didn't tell you of his concerns, took the toddler and then she ended up hurt or worse because she wasn't being properly cared for.

Look into hiring a licensed Nanny for a week or two and see what you can come up with.

Good luck and have an easy and safe delivery.