He doesn't want relationship after 4 dates

I was dating a guy for a month and we had 4 dates. It seemed to be going well But after the 4th one i noticed a change in behaviour. We met on a dating app and he's always the one to ask me out and plan the evening. We usually text every other day but after the 4th date I didn't hear from him in 5 days. So I messaged him hello and btw if you don't want to talk or hang out you can tell me and I won't be offended. He replied back that he realized he was not ready for a relationship and that he should not have been on a dating app. He says he enjoys spending time and definitely still wants to hangout but doesn't want to waste my time if I want something more serious. I am seeking a long term relationship and when we met he said he was open to a relationship in general. We slept together the first night. I don't know if his excuse is bull but I know he is very busy with his career and extracurricular activities so I can see how he is not ready. But wouldn't you see that before 4 dates in? I really liked him and could see a future. I told him that I don't want to waste my time and thanked him for the fun date nights. Do you think timing is the culprit and what are the chances we may date again in the future?

Sounds like bad timing and/or just not being on the same page. Sorry about all that—know it's a drag, but, alas, it's dating.

Keep doing you, living, swiping, enjoying life and romance, and if he comes back around and you're game—well, then that's that. But don't get too stuck dwelling on this, you know? Nothing good comes from that.

You know what you want, which is awesome. Keep looking for it.

I’m not gonna lie, I give that excuse to let people down easy.

Not saying that’s for sure what happening just that you should take him for his word. He said he isn’t interested in a relationship. So to save yourself the headache and confusion, believe him.

Sorry this happened.

I think he was being honest with you, that this is not something he wants to continue.

It's difficult to say why he changed his mind or if he wasn't looking for anything serious right from the start. He might have been looking for sex and then went on a few more dates because he felt obligated. Or he might have changed his mind after a few dates realizing it wasn't for him.

There could be other reasons too. But the point is, it's all guessing.

The only thing you can go on, is what he said, it's not something he wants due to not being ready.

I think it's unfair of him to put it that way as it obviously leaves you thinking it might change in the future and I don't think it will.

However, I think he was just trying to lessen the blow.

Best to move on and find someone else if you're hoping for a long term relationship.

You might want to hold off on sex as well so you can find out how serious they are about you before you go to bed with them.

It also might give them the wrong impression on thinking it's more of a fling if you have sex right away.

Either way, he's not the one.

I'm sorry OP, I know it's disappointing. It's better that he was honest now that he doesn't want to continue dating.

Was he being honest about not being ready? Maybe, maybe not. A lot of people will say they're not ready as a way of avoiding being direct and admitting they're just not as interested in you. But perhaps he's recently come out of relationship, wanted to be ready, but realized he's not. Either way, it doesn't change the result.

You probably won't be dating him in the future, no, so consider this one done so you can meet other guys who want what you want.

You shouldn't sleep together so fast unless you're looking for a fling..

Agree with some of the other posters, even though it may not be popular to say it. When you sleep with men too fast, it doesn't really give them a chance to bond to you (John Gray talks about the biochemical aspect of this). Not every guy is like this, mind you, but of all my male friends there's only one that seems to make women girlfriends after the goods are given up front. The rest tend to keep looking. I realize the double standard in this, but that's what I've seen at least.

Agree with some of the other posters, even though it may not be popular to say it. When you sleep with men too fast, it doesn't really give them a chance to bond to you (John Gray talks about the biochemical aspect of this). Not every guy is like this, mind you, but of all my male friends there's only one that seems to make women girlfriends after the goods are given up front. The rest tend to keep looking. I realize the double standard in this, but that's what I've seen at least.

This has been something I've been thinking lately. From what I've observed in my life, with my friends and on online forums and such, I think that it's possible to have a relationship even if having sex early but usually only when at the moment of sex an emotional bound has already been created and the guy is already intrigued in getting to know the woman better. This is rare on the first dates but it can happen and I think that's where it comes the cases we hear about sex on the first date(s) turned into relationship. But if that bond and curiosity hasn't been created yet, or if the interactions early on are very sexual/sexually driven (flirty sexual messages, sexual innuendos, talks about sex right from the start, sexting, etc), in most cases it doesn't turn into a relationship.

In OP's case I don't think it was that. I think he's actually not that into her or not that into pursuing a relationship now. Whatever his reasons it's best to take him by his word and leave this one be and move on.

Sorry this happened. Things can fizzle out after 4 dates. People are on dating apps meeting a bunch of people, etc. Was there any conversation about exclusive dating? Try to have that conversation before sex. Never send an angry/defensive texts like this. Date a while first, have the exclusive conversation before sex and 4 dates is not a relationship or a future.

Try to keep the horse before the cart and pace yourself. Don't try to turn a hookup into a relationship. It's better to slow down, establish what you want and let things evolve naturally and mutually so you don't feel burned like this again. Forget him for now he just doesn't want to pursue for whatever reason. "Busy, stressed, confused" etc are all just exit excuses.

after the 4th date I didn't hear from him in 5 days. So I messaged him hello and btw if you don't want to talk or hang out you can tell me and I won't be offended. We slept together the first night.

Lots of things could be happening from his side, but I do think it is a gentle let down followed by a slow fade away.

For a start, holding off sex for a few dates can build more desire and a connection before pushing on to the next stage.

Many men do gain more respect for a woman who makes them wait and by giving it away too soon, there is a lack of respect and it can be difficult to build it again. So, sleeping with them on the first night, then holding off in hope of building the tension/respect, doesn't always work. Then the men can get bored and wander off to find other options.

Also, at some point a guy wants the girl to reciporicate the asking them out and planning the date. And after the fourth, he thought he would give some time to see if you might come to the party, only to get a snarky passive agressive response after 5 days.

It can often take several dates to get to know a person enough to know if they are the person they wish to continue with. Guess you are not for him.

Usually when someone says "not ready for a relationship". They usually mean they are not ready for a relationship with YOU!

Ive heard this before with my friends and in my own experiences. I bet you he`s still on the dating APP. People want to use this line to soften the blow of rejection. He knew what he was getting into and went onto an APP to look for a relationship.

Point is. Try not to sleep with someone on the very first date. Not just for your own dignity but for your own safety.

His comments will be "bull" if you still see him online.

Usually when someone says "not ready for a relationship". They usually mean they are not ready for a relationship with YOU!

 

Ive heard this before with my friends and in my own experiences. I bet you he`s still on the dating APP. People want to use this line to soften the blow of rejection. He knew what he was getting into and went onto an APP to look for a relationship.

 

Point is. Try not to sleep with someone on the very first date. Not just for your own dignity but for your own safety.

 

His comments will be "bull" if you still see him online.

Agree. I always translate the "I'm not ready for a relationship" to "im not interested in a relationship with YOU". It saves lots of pain and hassle.

Also if you don't interpret it like that and keep orbiting around, you'll be hurt and resentful when he finds someone he's "ready to have a relationship with".

Agree. I always translate the "I'm not ready for a relationship" to "im not interested in a relationship with YOU". It saves lots of pain and hassle.

 

Also if you don't interpret it like that and keep orbiting around, you'll be hurt and resentful when he finds someone he's "ready to have a relationship with".

Ive had several female friends when a guy have used that line before. I the guys I knew and I had to tell them to stop playing with people. usingt he line NOT READY makes them think they have a chance.

Ive had this line used on me with a slight variation "I'm not ready for a relation just now. Got some health issues". they other one was "I'm not ready for anything right now as my youngest is teething and I'm going through a divorce" ONLY to find this person still on the dating site we met BUT what was worse she ended up dating one of my friends from the SAME dating site.

Oh, how my friend and I laughed at that one.

So when anyone says NOT READY then tell them to stop wasting peoples time and get off a dating site. What I do now is whenever some says

"I'm not ready for a relationship"

I retort:

I'm not waiting around for you. Come back when you are!

**If they don't come back. Then you aren't the one**

Head up OP

This too shall pass

We’ve all had short stints - they happen

First post btw

So....all of those posts from various people on this forum asking why people just disappear and asking something such as "if only they just would have told me, why didn't they give me a reason?" Here's why, it doesn't matter if someone just stops contacting or gives a reason, the reason isn't usually believed anyway. Or the reason is debated.

The bottom line is that the guy told you he is not interested. That's all you need to know. He was upfront about it and he told you early without stringing it out. Appreciate that fact, have a cry if you need it, and move on. Dating apps are for dating until you find someone you click with and is ready to stay around long term.

It's normal for things to quickly fizzle out after those first few dates. He was fading out on you, but since you confronted him, then he told you straight up he isn't interested in a relationship....yes you do have to add that silent "with you".

If you hadn't slept with him, I dare say that you'd probably hardly notice or care. Since you did, suddenly seems like this is a break up or like there was more to this than a few dates with a stranger and now you want to wait and pine for him.

If you are going to jump into bed with a complete stranger, then you need to approach it as a one night stand. Meaning that there is about a 99.99% chance that it won't lead to anything more and only a 0.01% chance that you will end up dating and eventually in a relationship. If you are going to get attached, get emotional or heartbroken when things fade out like this, then having these one night stands isn't for you. If you don't care and it's all good and fun for you, then carry on. Just be sure to keep in mind that bumping uglies doesn't make you any less strangers early on. That whole process of getting to know each other and figuring if you are actually compatible in other ways still has to happen.

Sorry - but that's totally fair. If someone is not a match in 4-8 dates, you stop dating them and you find someone else.

BTW, if you want a relationship, then don't sleep with the guy on the first date -- go on two dates, decide if you want a third. Don't sleep with him on the third date. Then see if you want a fourth date...see if you want to drop other guys you went out for coffee with to see where it goes with one guy -- or throw date 4 guy back in the sea.

If a girl is willing to have sex with me on the first date I figure she's done this with countless guys before and it cheapens her in my eyes. Of course I'm a hypocrite for being ok with sleeping with HER, but I'm not looking for a long term relationship with such a girl and I'd expect the same from her.

If a girl is willing to have sex with me on the first date I figure she's done this with countless guys before and it cheapens her in my eyes. Of course I'm a hypocrite for being ok with sleeping with HER, but I'm not looking for a long term relationship with such a girl and I'd expect the same from her.

You must not think very highly of yourself.

I had sex with my ex the first night we met, and that thought never crossed his mind. He had too much self-confidence to ever think that.

What he thought which he admitted months later, was that I absolutely crazy about him (which I was), as was he about me, and that is why we chose to have sex the first night.

Our RL lasted six years since that night.

I would suggest you start thinking more highly of yourself like my ex did (and I am sure still does), and other men who don't negatively judge women for having sex quickly.

See yourself as a man of value, a man a particular woman is crazy attracted to, which is precisely why she is having sex with you!!

Not one in the millions of mediocre men out there that women will have sex with at the drop of a hat. You lower yourself as a man with that mindset, and it reflects lack of self-esteem and self-confidence.

In turn, you will attract high value women to you as well.

If a girl is willing to have sex with me on the first date I figure she's done this with countless guys before and it cheapens her in my eyes. Of course I'm a hypocrite for being ok with sleeping with HER, but I'm not looking for a long term relationship with such a girl and I'd expect the same from her.

You're not the only man (high self esteem or the opposite) that thinks like you, Normm. The "Madonna/ complex is alive and kicking.

You're not the only man (high self esteem or the opposite) that thinks like you, Normm.

 

The "Madonna/ complex is alive and kicking.

Yes, sadly that's true too, and certainly a possibility. I didn't think of that.

You're not the only man (high self esteem or the opposite) that thinks like you, Normm. The "Madonna/ complex is alive and kicking.

I had to google the Madonna complex:

A man with a madonna- complex is a man who will sleep with and lust for a sexual and beautiful woman but he will never respect her as "wife" material and he will never marry her. In his eyes, she is tainted, impure, unworthy of the status of wife---yet he may possess passionate and contradictory feelings for her. He may even be in love with her but will never allow himself to be with her in any real sense.

He will look for a "good girl" to marry---usually a woman who is cold sexually but, for example, is good at "wifely" domestic things: cooking, cleaning, homemaking in general, etc. A proper, pure "madonna" type woman who will bear his children.

In other words, you marry the "good girl" to rear your children and you have the mistress for the orgies. Yes, I have friends like this.

You're not the only man (high self esteem or the opposite) that thinks like you, Normm. The "Madonna/ complex is alive and kicking.

This explains everything.

This explains everything.

So depressing.

Sex on the first date, sex on the sixteenth: doesn't change my view of the woman—or myself—one way or another.

LaylaFox--- Dating is so frustrating. I agree with the others that I would take him at his word and just realize he is no longer interested. I think you are only going to keep hurting yourself if you keep seeing him. Out of a desire for you to respect yourself and to keep this kind of thing happening over and over, I would suggest that you ask yourself what you want in a relationship? If you are looking for someone to be something more, why the sudden intimacy after one date? I think as women, we jump to that thinking somehow that we are more interesting? IDK. If you want something that lasts a longer time, I would try to get to know someone and find out if you even make good friends before thinking of anything more. I think we jump to sex too soon and then it actually KILLS the friendship and compatibility piece. It did for me anyway.