Need advice...GF keeps talking to ex, lies and repeats.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year. We were teenage sweethearts, loved each other very much. I lived in Vermont, she in Florida and she visited fairly often. After she went off to college she called me one day and said it was over. I had never experienced pain like that. As time went on, we started to keep in touch, we both felt that no matter what, we had each other’s backs. Fast forward a few years, I found someone else and I got married, had 2 great boys, but we still stayed in touch every year or so....just to see how each other was doing. Our conversations were benign, but I do admit to reminiscing with her on occasion, about how strongly we felt for each other. My marriage started to fall apart (I won’t go into that now) and I started to wish that I could’ve made it work with my teenage sweetheart. Deep down I always loved her, and wanted nothing but happiness for her. I decided to contact her due to a bad hurricane heading for Florida. I knew she was in a long-term relationship with a man but I had to know if she still felt the way I felt. It was her idea to meet up and see if we still had chemistry...(I realize that still being married with kids and her being in a long term relationship makes us bad people but we had to know) we met up in Boston for the weekend, and that spark was immense and immediate. She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. We decided to see each other again, I started divorce proceedings but when it came time for her to break up with her ex....there was a snag. She couldn’t do it. Wether out of guilt, love, or something else, she kept putting it off. We would wait until he went to bed every night and we would talk on the phone into the wee hours of the morning. I kept asking her to break it off and she would reply “you don’t know what this is like (ummmm, yeah, I did...divorce...hello?!). After 3 months I told her she can’t have us both and she needs to make a decision. The following day she called me crying hysterically saying “I can’t believe you forced me to do this! I never wanted to break up with him!!!” I wanted to flip out, but I held my tongue. After he moved out, she told me they stopped talking. A week later, she slipped and I figured out they were still talking. I was very upset, not about them talking, but about the lie. This happened twice more but it was time for her to move here. She arrived and she was absolutely miserable. She cried at least 3 to 4 times a week about how she missed home and missed her family. About a month later I found out that she was talking to her ex again. I was extremely angry. After discussing it at length and telling her that I felt betrayed and lied to, She swore to me that she would not talk to him again. About a month later I found out that she was still talking to him because her phone was at receiving text messages late at night. When I confronted her about it she admitted that it was him again. She once again swore to me that she would not talk to him again. Last w she swore to me that she would not talk to him again. About a month later I found out that she was still talking to him because her phone was receiving text messages late at night. When I confronted her about it she admitted that it was him again. She once again swore to me that she would not talk to him again. A month ago she planned a trip to Florida to see one of her doctors and to see her family. Two weeks later the text messages start coming again late at night 11:30 PM 12 PM etc. when I ask her who is texting you at 12 o’clock she didn’t answer. The text kept coming and I asked her again and once again she ignored the question. The third time I asked who is texting you at 12:30 at night? Nobody? She replied Yep, nobody. This was a slap in my face as we both knew who was texting her. My dilemma now is she claims she gave everything up to move from Florida to New Hampshire to be with me and now she’s planning tomorrow to fly down to Florida for four days. I feel like a complete fool and I feel like my hearts been trampled on and she insist that I am not putting the effort into the relationship because I don’t trust her. She says that she’s not pursuing a relationship with him , My reply is always if you’re not pursuing a relationship then why is it a big secret? Should I believe her? She did give up a lot to be with me but I feel like she’s keeping her options open in case things don’t work out with me please help. ....Broken Hearted in New Hampshire.

You can't possibly feel betrayed when she proved from.thr beginning she wasn't to be trusted.

KingD99....Please break this up into paragraphs, thank you.

I'm not going to bother slapping your wrist over how this all got reignited, because life and love are crazy and you handled it all pretty well. Ended your marriage, got into this with intention, etc. You went below board, yeah, but you got up above board pretty quickly.

Thing is, she is not you.

She was clearly more confused about her relationship when she was having an affair with you, probably more than you were confused about your own. You were done with your marriage, she was not done with her relationship. Maybe not happy, confused, etc. But not done. So while for you she was a nice place to land after your failed marriage (back to the true love, and so on) for her you were something else (a big ol' maybe that detonated an explosion of "what am I doing with my life?" questions).

In other words, she was not ready to let go, and did so only once issued an ultimatum, only once the sweetness between you guys had gotten sour. Bad sign, that. Her behavior stressed you out, yours stress stressed her out, and she ended things and moved up with you in a state of high anxiety and uncertainty. Sourness expanding, sweetness shrinking.

And, well, it's in that state she remains. The state in which you both remain. Not the fabled story you thought you were writing when the affair began.

She is, from these seats, simply a woman who is nowhere near ready to be in a relationship. Her feelings are all over the map, and she's had no time to figure out what's what.

So, what to do?

Well, it doesn't look good. Sounds to me like you each used the other to get out of unhappy relationships—rebound stuff more than the stuff of storied romance. I'd say the lesson here is this is what happens when two people don't take real time to land on their feet after the demise of a relationship.

The teen love you shared didn't survive the transition into adulthood. Her feelings for you vanished a long time ago, and they've never really come back. Not to the degree you need to sustain a relationship.

Her heart and mind are not with you. They are with him. You cannot trust her. She has lied to you repeatedly, and she continues to lie about her involvement with him. I think it's time to concede that this romance should have stayed in the past, because OP, she is just not that into you.

Sorry friend, but I think you need to take her off the idealized, teen-love pedestal you had her on. This one isn't going to survive.

I just find it ironic that you were miffed about the lie when both of you lied to your partners in order to meet up in Boston. You were both capable of being deceitful. However, it seems from her comments that you forced her hand. To me, it sounds like she's in love with him, not done with him, but you were the scarier one and she has poor boundaries so she chose to conform to what you wanted. It's not really what she wants. You guys don't sound very happy right now, either. Do you always want to be looking over your shoulder? Set her free so she can be with who she wants and you can find someone who is equally into you.

What goes around, comes around. She cheated on her boyfriend with you, now she cheats with him on you. Actually nothing changes, just the order of men (and the prepositions in the phrase-"with" becomes "on" from linguistic point of view :)

Of course she will meet and have sex with her "ex" down there in Florida, the same like she had met and had sex with you up there in Boston. Again, just a matter of prepositions. I have put "ex" in quotes, because it is questionable if he's her ex, as they never stopped being in contact and kept the relationship going behind your back.

If I were you and to preserve the remaining debris of your dignity, I'd dump her TODAY, tell her to pack her things, enjoy Florida and to not come back. You know yourself that this is not going to work and why prolonging the agony. Don't be like the ostrich that buries its head in the sand to not see the truth. OP, you strike me like somebody who consistently choses to live in fantasy land. Instead of facing the aftermath of your divorce like a grown up, you preferred to distract yourself from the imminent pain by actually stealing another man's woman. Classy, eh? Then when you get the said trophée, you choose to ignore the fact that she texts her boyfriend behind your back. You forgave her too many times, in a desperate attempt to escape reality (yet again!). I'd recommend you got your head out of the sand and face the music.

And also, instead of expending precious energy worrying, getting angry and asking strangers' opinions on some cheater woman, you'd better utilise your energy to cushion the blow of the divorce to your children. This is what a responsible father would do. But not run around with some as selfish as himself and completely lacking of integrity woman. You haven't explained if this woman got along well with your kids. Was it really appropriate to introduce a step mother to them, so soon after the divorce with their mother? When was the last time you saw your children?

You know, I'd much rather worry about the well-being of my kids post divorce, because while you and your ex-wife are adults and had control over the decision for divorce, your kids did not ask for it and they had zero control over what happened. They just have to suffer for yours and your ex-wife's mistakes. You'd better think about these things, but not your cheating woman.

So you basically stole someone's girlfriend, didn't care if his heart was broken, convinced her to leave him when she didn't want to and now you're crying victim?

Errrrm.

She did give up a lot to be with me but I feel like she’s keeping her options open in case things don’t work out with me

Can you trust her, well what does your gut tell you?

this sounds like a very shady situation