He cheated and I can't handle it

Hello! I've been with my partner 3 years, it's always been a tumultuous relationship he's a very fiery argumentative person, easily slighted and love bombed me hard initially pushing the relationship a lot quicker than I was comfortable with. After only a few months he started devaluing me he wouldn't reply to messages he once sent on a minute by minute basis, he'd find lots of faults in me solely for displaying boundaries and he used and still uses a lot of foul abusive language towards me. Hey no angel at all... I'm a kind but also fiery character and when wronged will be straight up. This has caused a lot of fights verbal and physical between us. I do feel like the pattern is the same though... he comments on girls pictures on social media or stalks and contacts exes.... I react and bevause I react to it I then get blamed fully. I have lashed out when triggered randomly and that is wrong wrong wrong but I feel so crazy hurt and out of control. Basically I feel UNSAFE. And my stress bucket is always nearly overflowing. However there has never been a lack of love between us we do adore each other.

Anyhow that's a bit of background. Last year he came down with depression (not helped by refusing help and not leaving the room or going to work) I dragged him to doctors a couple of times... he then told me I was trying to 'convince him he had depression' not at all! I was trying to help him get better! He was clearly ill and has had mental health issues before even knowing me!

He would masturbate to porn whenever I left the house then refuse affection with me saying he felt depressed or uncomfortable because we had argued. (Usually an argument he caused by leaving the house wrecked while I was the only one working cleaning and paying the rent). He's always very sexual on one night stands then doesn't bother much with me his girlfriend. I'm a very sexual person I look after my body too. I caught him posting on a casual sex website once and the day after he didn't return home at night. Swears nothing happened but you know... im not stupid. He'd like tarty girls pictures constantly even when I would cry and beg him not to I felt triangulated with hundreds of girls. I'm a jealous person when in love but only when given reason to be. I have had relationships before where I've not worried. The final straw came when I found him obsessively and daily Facebook stalking his exes so I kicked him out. He moved back to his mums miles away.

Anyhow..... we talked every single day and he would never leave me alone we basically never properly separated so we planned for him to move back in with me and give it one last shot he said how lost and sorry he was. We were meeting regularly and very much together. Then this girl got added to Facebook. A real tarty cheap looking young lass ten years younger than me and far too young for him... my instincts knew something so I questioned him, he went insane at me for asking and blocked me for a few days. So I messaged her and low and behold yes they had slept together. I was devastated I called sick for work didn't eat didn't sleep couldn't function or get out of bed. He said 'we weren't properly together' well that's the first I heard of that... anyway both him and her said it was nothing it was a mistake he said she's gross and not his type (absolutely not being big headed saying this but I'm an attractive air hostess with an interesting character, she's a cheap young boring druggy and not at all pretty this is what I don't understand) and she said she was seeing someone. That's the last I knew.... he said he got annoyed when told she was with someone else and they never spoke again. So I carry on visiting him until his job was up and he moved back in........... it played on my mind it caused a lot of fights with my triggers and I became highly strung. I just knew instinctively I'd been lied to so yesterday I grabbed his phone and locked myself in the bathroom I HAD to know the truth. What I found has totally ruined me I found messages weeks and weeks later and hours after being at his house with him asking if she could stay with him at a friends house.... messaging friends to get her surprise drinks in at bars etc etc. So they both lied to me!!!! I confronted him and kicked him out (which then if Flores meant I'm a nasty b*tch for kicking him out in the cold... even though he cheated and didn't pay me rent last month) it's MY fault for not 'letting it go' and he 'said he was sorry he didn't lie just didn't give me details'. Am I wrong in thinking a one night stand is VERY different to this relationship I've just found out about where obviously a lot of stuff has happened behind my back. It hurts because he watches me nearly die over it once then carried on hurting me, and her too. He goes insane if I ever mention it and threatens to leave me which further fuels my unsafe feelings.... he then withholds affection because of the 'argument'. I'm so angry confused hurt I feel like my life is over. Totally lost this is all consuming. Anyway he Told me I didn't see those messages.... that he 'doesn't know what I'm talking about' and 'can't remember' he says he 'probably bought her a drink in because I was so nasty to her' ?!!!! I was never nasty once!!! I sent her a shirty message when he moved back telling her to stay away forever that was way after that? He also told her sob stories that he had called the police on me for stalking him when I originally messaged her (lies) and he constantly talks about how nasty I am and how I lash out. Angels don't live in hell..... this is just a huge mess!!! I ADORE this Mam he's the love of my life and the second I let go of him he obsessively tries to get me back tells me how much he loves me and how I'm the 'love of his life'. He still refuses even after all this to tell me how it ended... he told me she was all over him when it was his who kept re adding her to Facebook... him sending messages to mates asking them if it looks like she's flirting with other guys... I feel utterly humiliated because he did this in front of all his friends and family at home now I'm too embarrassed and angry to see them again. He's back at home now and all is calm but got hoe long? I cannot bare to be without him I'm completely bonded to him it's indescribable but he's not empathetic to my worries or needs at all. I can't talk to him without him losing patience and getting nasty then I stupidly get nasty in return. I should apparently be over this by now... Help :( we have such a beautiful future planned I just wish he saw what he was doing and I wish I could react calmer xxx

This is a mutually abusive relationship. Time to leave it.

Don't know why people get into relationships like this.

Stay away from him and get therapy asap.

Don't know why people get into relationships like this.

 

 

Stay away from him and get therapy asap.

Because many people think drama = love.

They believe fighting is "passion".

Their unhealthy attachment to one another is mistaken for "soulmates", when in reality they don't know how to have a respectful, calm and comforting relationship.

They think "regular" relationships are "boring".

OP, this is a toxic, unhealthy attachment. However, you don't seem to want it to end, so don't end it. As long as you aren't hurting anyone else and there are no children to witness the toxicity, if you want to carry on, carry on!

When people show you who they are, believe them.

He's not going to change. He will only hide it better.

Only you can get yourself out of this hell.

Your relationship is really disturbing. " "Hello! I've been with my partner 3 years, it's always been a tumultuous relationship he's a very fiery argumentative person, easily slighted and love bombed me hard initially pushing the relationship a lot quicker than I was comfortable with. After only a few months he started devaluing me he wouldn't reply to messages he once sent on a minute by minute basis, he'd find lots of faults in me solely for displaying boundaries and he used and still uses a lot of foul abusive language towards me. Hey no angel at all... I'm a kind but also fiery character and when wronged will be straight up. This has caused a lot of fights verbal and physical between us. I do feel like the pattern is the same though... he comments on girls pictures on social media or stalks and contacts exes.... I react and bevause I react to it I then get blamed fully. I have lashed out when triggered randomly and that is wrong wrong wrong but I feel so crazy hurt and out of control. Basically I feel UNSAFE. And my stress bucket is always nearly overflowing. "

Is this type of relationship familiar? Did you grow up in this type of abusive mess?

Get some therapy and stay away from this creep! I do not understand how you thrive on this!

You can't fix an abuser. They are not going to change. Just get out asap and worry about getting to a doctor and therapist yourself. Therapy will help you uncover why you are in this and perhaps mitigate some of the damage being in an abusive relationship does. Also get to a doctor for a complete workup. Rule out any sort of physical component to this that may need medical intervention. Research abusive relationships. Educate yourself and understand what it is. Reach out for help getting out if you need that. .

"After only a few months he started devaluing me..."

You wasted three years of your life trying to turn a pig's ear into a silk purse.

Dump him, learn from your mistakes and never waste time like that again.

OP, This is not what love looks like. At all!

This is a sick situation.

I dont really understand why you are together. your relationship has been a challenge the entire way through. its not going to magically get better. He is on casual sex websites... so he doesnt value your relationship, and doesnt feel he needs to be exclusive.

Im sorry, but you dont have a beautiful future in front of you.

I don't think most people understand why this kind of relationship is appealing to some people.

My ex is like the OP. He actually cheated on me and broke up with me because I was too calm, too predictable in my love for him, too drama-free. The woman he cheated on me with and dumped me for burned his house down. Actually burned it down to ashes. And he's damaged her car, they've beaten each other and cheated on each other with each other's friends. And they are still together after 10 years. She is the "love" of his life because she provides the conflict he desperately craves.

There are more people like my ex and the OP than most of us know. Just look on Facebook or watch trash "reality" TV if you want proof.

After only a few months he started devaluing me

The fact you stayed even when you realized how he was devaluing you prompts me to ask you about your own childhood and how your parents treated one another. Who was it that taught you that you stay and take that kind of treatment rather than leaving it and finding someone who treats you with love and respect?

Please do get the therapy you would do well to get to help you overcome whatever was dished out to you as a child. You have to love yourself first before anything else and you don't so that has to be worked on.

I'm sorry you have found yourself with him. You are now addicted to him, to the drama and to the 'relief' you feel when he hoovers you back in again.

Zero contact, cold turkey withdrawl is the only way out of this for you. Good luck.

I don't think most people understand why this kind of relationship is appealing to some people.

 

My ex is like the OP. He actually cheated on me and broke up with me because I was too calm, too predictable in my love for him, too drama-free. The woman he cheated on me with and dumped me for burned his house down. Actually burned it down to ashes. And he's damaged her car, they've beaten each other and cheated on each other with each other's friends. And they are still together after 10 years. She is the "love" of his life because she provides the conflict he desperately craves.

 

There are more people like my ex and the OP than most of us know. Just look on Facebook or watch trash "reality" TV if you want proof.

Yikes. That is disturbing.

You are thinking you can’t get over him, but you can! You are holding on to the man he used to be, or the man you wish he were!! He’s not a good man at all! This relationship is toxic. Cut off all contact, and you will be over him in no time!

I was with a man who I had to worry about whether or not he was cheating all the time! I finally made up my mind to get away from him. After about 2 weeks it got easier to be away, and I never looked back!

I don't think most people understand why this kind of relationship is appealing to some people.

 

My ex is like the OP. He actually cheated on me and broke up with me because I was too calm, too predictable in my love for him, too drama-free. The woman he cheated on me with and dumped me for burned his house down. Actually burned it down to ashes. And he's damaged her car, they've beaten each other and cheated on each other with each other's friends. And they are still together after 10 years. She is the "love" of his life because she provides the conflict he desperately craves.

 

There are more people like my ex and the OP than most of us know. Just look on Facebook or watch trash "reality" TV if you want proof.

What you're saying is very interesting and real. I also met guys (and women too) that dismissed because I was too calm and missed "that fire" (and I get it, they weren't that into me), for women or exes they'd complain were psychos and had damaged them so much but they kept returning to them.

Many people seek drama. They have this belief that love is supposed to be hard and challenging, that you need to tame someone or keep trying if you love someone. But granted if any of these "crazy"/"dramatic"/"lying cheats" partners would magically turn into healthy grown up people (they almost never do), I bet that after a while they'd get bored of it and would want to move on to the next "difficult person".

What you're saying is very interesting and real. I also met guys (and women too) that dismissed because I was too calm and missed "that fire" (and I get it, they weren't that into me), for women or exes they'd complain were psychos and had damaged them so much but they kept returning to them.

 

Many people seek drama. They have this belief that love is supposed to be hard and challenging, that you need to tame someone or keep trying if you love someone. But granted if any of these "crazy"/"dramatic"/"lying cheats" partners would magically turn into healthy grown up people (they almost never do), I bet that after a while they'd get bored of it and would want to move on to the next "difficult person".

This is 100% correct.

The OP gave a laundry list of horrible things this man has done, then declared he is the love of her life and they MUST be together.

None of the things she listed would inspire love in me, but again, this is the kind of relationship some people crave. It's EXCITING! And "PASSIONATE'!

I guarantee the OP either already has or will go back and the whole thing will start again.

Some peoples' bliss is different than others'.